Feeling very stupid about an online test I just did. (5 love languages)

[PrincessToadstoolOfToadlandia]

Sorry, I'm feeling really pathetic right now and crying like an idiot.

My husband and I have had difficulties from the start. We have been together for 8 years but we have always communicated very differently. He tends to bottle things up, I prefer to talk it out. I am very physically affectionate. Not just with sex, but touching, cuddling, kissing, hand holding. When I receive physical affection that's when I most feel loved. I also like hearing that he loves me.

My husband isn't overly physically affectionate. I've learned to accept that and just get on with it. He also isn't the sort to tell you how much he loves you or say lovely things and compliment me. This is who he is, he doesn't talk about his feelings. It makes him visibly uncomfortable.

The downside to this is that when he has something critical to say it can feel very harsh. Like he only criticises me because it's not being softened by the complimentary stuff the rest of the time.

On his side he probably feels like he has an octopus for a wife who is always trying to hug him and sit next to him when he just wants his own space to breathe.

I love him to bits and we are on the same page about everything that really matters. Our arguments have always come from the way we express ourselves.

So long story longer I was recommended this book The five languages of love by a hcp who thought it would help with my feelings that he doesn't love me because he isn't very demonstrative. I ordered it today and saw that there is a test you can take online.

So we both did it and emailed each other the results.

Mine was basically as I thought it would be.

9 Physical Touch
9 Words of Affirmation
7 Quality Time
4 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts

His was nearly the exact opposite. Dead last with 1 point was physical affection.

Now I bought the book thinking that it would be useful for me to see the ways he is showing love as we obviously are very different people

But actually looking at that little test and thinking that for every question where 'cuddle' 'hug' 'sex' were offered, he chose anything else is really upsetting me. How do I get past that? I don't want to feel like every time I give him a hug he's quietly wishing I would just fuck off.

www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

Take care OP Your feelings are valid and you don’t sound anything like another poster’s violently abusive ex so please ignore that.

Be kind to yourself. It’s ok to want more affection and verbal reassurance in your life.

But actually looking at that little test and thinking that for every question where 'cuddle' 'hug' 'sex' were offered, he chose anything else is really upsetting me. How do I get past that? I don't want to feel like every time I give him a hug he's quietly wishing I would just fuck off.

Maybe embrace it as a difference and make a joke of it.

Slightly different, but I have a friend whose mother never had any physical affection as a child and as a result really hates being hugged and finds it really claustrophobic. She does hug her (now adult) children but they all know she doesn't really like it and is doing it for them so they have a laugh about it and she'll say things like "time's up" or "you've had your ration". It may not be ideal but it means that they have had physical affection and her dislike of it is respected.

You need to focus on the point that it isn't about you or how he feels about you, it's about how he feels about physical affection. If you love a cuddle, it's almost impossible to understand how others feel differently but they do.

OP - you asked if sex is the same thing and I don't think it is for my DP. He much prefers having sex to having a cuddle, but then prefers us to sleep in our own beds afterwards rather than together. He told me recently he doesn't mind me sharing a bed with him, so long as I keep over to my side, don't hug him and turn around when he needs to. I pointed out the last one's impossible if I'm asleep! The other two I can do, but it makes me feel more rejected than if I'm in a bed by myself. What I'd choose is to snuggle up close to him and stay like that all night. I don't, because I know how much he hates it.

Hi OP,
I am a female and I hate hugs, cuddles (in fact even if a guy says he enjoys cuddles, it puts me off him..!) and I'm like that no matter who I'm with or how much I like them (though of course with the ones I really like, I'll play along with the physical affection stuff just to impress them for a while at the start so I feel hugs etc. are more for their benefit, not mine)

But I am verbally affectionate - compliments, flirty etc, whereas your partner isn't verbally affectionate either - I think that's far more common in men though.

I just did the quiz you linked and got:

9 Acts of Service
9 Quality Time
6 Receiving Gifts
4 Words of Affirmation
2 Physical Touch

Genuine question - do you ever show him you love him in the terms that he values? I.E. doing something that shows you have thought about him and prioritised him. Going out of your way to do something for him, or buy something you know he'll like, choosing a restaurant you hate because you know he loves it?

OP I’m really shit at giving cuddles and physical affection. It just doesn’t often occur to me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like giving them, just that it’s unnatural to me.
If my dh told me he needed this then I would try my best to do it more because I love him.
Hopefully your dh is the same.

OP - something you said struck me: "He chose the answers with me in mind. Not a generic "partner"".

I tried filling in the survey myself, and I found myself doing the same thing. However, I realised that by doing so I was being less than honest with myself. With something like a choice between holding hands in public and buying me a present I'd choose the present, because I know he'd never hold my hand so I don't even think of it as being an option.

I know it's hard to face this, but for someone who can't open up your DP has answered the questions incredibly honestly. I don't think all hope is lost. If you can be so honest with each other you can discuss it. And if you can discuss it hopefully you can find a way to compromise. Best of luck!

Really interesting, I've just done the test andnaleays thought of myself as very tactile, I love cuddling him, holding hands, unloved those kisses he drops on my head for no reason etc, however I scored a 1 for physical touch! My highest (11) was quality time. I can therefore say that you shouldn't take it to heart at all, my results surprised me

Wow so many typos! I meant to say 'I always thought of myself as very tactile' and 'I love those kisses he drops on my head's!

grrrrr HEAD - I do only have one!

I've just taken the test and would take the results with a pinch of salt. I'm personally surprised that they didn't add the choice of "neither" or "both"

I did the Singles version of the test (so it might be different in the couples one) but it was all about what I like to receive and no mention about what I enjoy giving.

I don't think that differing results means that you're incompatible at all. The touching questions in the singles quiz made no mention of anything more than a kiss/massage and despite my low touching score I definitely enjoy having sex :)