Feeling very stupid about an online test I just did. (5 love languages)

[PrincessToadstoolOfToadlandia]

Sorry, I'm feeling really pathetic right now and crying like an idiot.

My husband and I have had difficulties from the start. We have been together for 8 years but we have always communicated very differently. He tends to bottle things up, I prefer to talk it out. I am very physically affectionate. Not just with sex, but touching, cuddling, kissing, hand holding. When I receive physical affection that's when I most feel loved. I also like hearing that he loves me.

My husband isn't overly physically affectionate. I've learned to accept that and just get on with it. He also isn't the sort to tell you how much he loves you or say lovely things and compliment me. This is who he is, he doesn't talk about his feelings. It makes him visibly uncomfortable.

The downside to this is that when he has something critical to say it can feel very harsh. Like he only criticises me because it's not being softened by the complimentary stuff the rest of the time.

On his side he probably feels like he has an octopus for a wife who is always trying to hug him and sit next to him when he just wants his own space to breathe.

I love him to bits and we are on the same page about everything that really matters. Our arguments have always come from the way we express ourselves.

So long story longer I was recommended this book The five languages of love by a hcp who thought it would help with my feelings that he doesn't love me because he isn't very demonstrative. I ordered it today and saw that there is a test you can take online.

So we both did it and emailed each other the results.

Mine was basically as I thought it would be.

9 Physical Touch
9 Words of Affirmation
7 Quality Time
4 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts

His was nearly the exact opposite. Dead last with 1 point was physical affection.

Now I bought the book thinking that it would be useful for me to see the ways he is showing love as we obviously are very different people

But actually looking at that little test and thinking that for every question where 'cuddle' 'hug' 'sex' were offered, he chose anything else is really upsetting me. How do I get past that? I don't want to feel like every time I give him a hug he's quietly wishing I would just fuck off.

www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

But I think you can fall in love with people you've never even met before. Look at the people who fall in love over the internet. So it can't just be about bodies or acts of service; there's a mental level there, where you feel like you truly understand a person and like them too, where all their little quirks become endlessly endearing and you want to spend all your time with them. The physical side is wonderful too, but it's not the only thing a partner can offer.

@AtrociousCircumstance

I'm not out of touch at all. I'm trying to explain in a light-hearted way how someone like me feels.

I could just have said 'yes, you're a needy person who is leaving me touched out, will you ever leave your partner alone', but I didn't.

Until you provoked me.

AtrociousCircumstance I have tried to talk to him. He really isn't a talker. It's very hard for him. And he's gets all stressed and competely shuts down. I was actually excited when I saw the test because I thought it was a way for me to finally get some answers out of him.

Oh I provoked you Apoiads ?

Why would you be unkind to the OP because of something someone else said?

OP, whatever you do don't end your relationship over some dumb quiz.

If there are other issues in the relationship, then maybe address those.

I hate gifts.

I’m highest on physical touch and acts of service next, and so is DH but the other way around. I’m not sure how scientific this methodology is, but we do rub along very nicely and don’t ever feel unloved so maybe there’s something in it!

Oh, though i think you are right--if he doesn't talk to you and shuts down when you talk to him, I think that's unfair. He's receiving affection but isn't flexible enough to give it back in any form, which is a major problem.

I don't think it's a good test to be honest. Most of the time I picked one for the sale of picking one and I am very affectionate but didn't even get that as my top choice. Also most people want a balance and you're being asked many different questions. So you may prefer physical touch but not all the time because you need to get things done and if you're living with someone who doesn't help you out but is constantly hugging you, you'll resent it. Likewise with gifts. It's nice if you know they've thought of you and bought you something but all the time can feel a bit too much and make you feel guilty for not doing the same. So I personally don't think the test was a true reflection and I think a balance of everything is what's everyone's preference. Also it depends on the relationship. In my current relationship with each living separately and having our own kids etc, all I want from him is his time and affection and talking when we don't see each other. With my ex and with children together, the fact that he didn't do stuff around the house made me hugely resentful and I stopped wanting physical contact with him and I stopped appreciating or buying gifts.

Gosh, don’t abandon your relationship over a quiz! Sounds like your DH isn’t very communicative though. I don’t know if people really can change their fundamental personalities that much. It’s very difficult to try and be something you’re really not.

Sorry you are finding things hard

But I think you can fall in love with people you've never even met before. Look at the people who fall in love over the internet. So it can't just be about bodies or acts of service; there's a mental level there, where you feel like you truly understand a person and like them too, where all their little quirks become endlessly endearing and you want to spend all your time with them. The physical side is wonderful too, but it's not the only thing a partner can offer.

I could fall in love that way I think, but I couldn't be in love that way. It's almost like a crush you might have when you're young on some boy in a boy band. It's not real. For me, at least physical intimacy is what makes it real. I'm not talking about the sex side of it either thought it is important to me. If Dh's penis fell off tomorrow I'd still love him, it's the normal touching I can't live without.

Oh, though i think you are right--if he doesn't talk to you and shuts down when you talk to him, I think that's unfair. He's receiving affection but isn't flexible enough to give it back in any form, which is a major problem.

I honestly don't believe it's intentional. It's almost an involuntarily response. He'll get so frustrated he's in near tears and just can't talk about it. Is emotional constipation a saying?

AtrociousCircumstanc

thank you for your concern. I'm OK.

Do you think he's perhaps a bit insecure and afraid of saying something he would perceive as embarrassing?

OP, you remind me a bit of an ex. It's like he always wanted a piece of me. I was just away in another world most of the time. I loved him deeply, but he couldn't seem to see that I was not an extension of him and that I was a person. He couldn't let me just 'be'. He almost had to be involved in all my thoughts. Sometimes he would actually ask me what I was thinking? At that point in time I was probably thinking will you ever fuck off, but I might not have been thinking anything in particular. In the end he turned abusive i.e. putting me in hospital abusive.

Some people can love without having to be constantly attached physically.

Do you think he's perhaps a bit insecure and afraid of saying something he would perceive as embarrassing?

Possible yes. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised.

OP, you remind me a bit of an ex. It's like he always wanted a piece of me. I was just away in another world most of the time. I loved him deeply, but he couldn't seem to see that I was not an extension of him and that I was a person. He couldn't let me just 'be'. He almost had to be involved in all my thoughts. Sometimes he would actually ask me what I was thinking? At that point in time I was probably thinking will you ever fuck off, but I might not have been thinking anything in particular. In the end he turned abusive i.e. putting me in hospital abusive

Cheers

I think you've solved your own problem really op when you said a relationship without physical touching is just a friendship. It seems you and your dh are deeply incompatible and he has no desire to change his behaviours

OP, do you know whether he came from an abusive background?

Just because he doesn't rate physical touch as important doesn't mean he dislikes it , does it? You put 'receiving gifts' last with 1 point. Do you actually dislike receiving gifts? You have quite a lot of overlap in the middle/upper middle so use those areas first to approach areas where you fear you have very different wants/needs. It is only a quiz, with a limited range of possible results. Your DH is invested enough in your relationship to do the quiz. Hopefully the book will give you strategies you can both use to understand each other and find ways to express your love that you are both comfortable with. It's important to say and to be told "I love you" and to recognise how your partner says that to you and how they hear you saying that to them.

It's a cliché that men don't talk about their feelings easily but frequently true.

I think you've solved your own problem really op when you said a relationship without physical touching is just a friendship. It seems you and your dh are deeply incompatible and he has no desire to change his behaviours

Maybe. I don't want him to change himself though, I wouldn't want him to feel obligated to me. It would be nice to think he wanted to be near me more.

It would be nice to think he wanted to be near me more.

I can miss someone while I'm on the phone to them, but want them sat far away from me when I'm with them.

ust because he doesn't rate physical touch as important doesn't mean he dislikes it , does it? You put 'receiving gifts' last with 1 point.

I'm actually not that fussed about gifts, I find they're usually a hassle. But I see your point thank you.

It's a cliché that men don't talk about their feelings easily but frequently true

I agree, a lot of men aren't really given those tools as children and don't feel the need to pick it up as adults!

Anyway I really appreciate everyone's take, so thank you. But I think I'm going to take a break from the thread as I'm not feeling too good right now.

Take care OP

I know about the five language of love and I lived with someone who had different ones than me.

Sorry if I am being dim or this is covered before but is this not about your need to express the way you feel about someone in a certain way? For example I cannot and never will particularly initiate in one language of love. I might ocassionally with effort and thought but to do it all the time just wouldn't come naturally. However its about accepting the other persons way of doing it because that is essential to their existence and to not it like denying their being, to not just receive it, because you love them. We often think its about what we get but it really isn't. It's about the human need to love, to give, to care, to touch etc. and if we can't do that then it can feel lonely and a bit pointless. If you can give in your way and recognise and appreciate the other persons way is that something to work with? Or is complete polar opposites a total fail?