Feeling very stupid about an online test I just did. (5 love languages)

[PrincessToadstoolOfToadlandia]

Sorry, I'm feeling really pathetic right now and crying like an idiot.

My husband and I have had difficulties from the start. We have been together for 8 years but we have always communicated very differently. He tends to bottle things up, I prefer to talk it out. I am very physically affectionate. Not just with sex, but touching, cuddling, kissing, hand holding. When I receive physical affection that's when I most feel loved. I also like hearing that he loves me.

My husband isn't overly physically affectionate. I've learned to accept that and just get on with it. He also isn't the sort to tell you how much he loves you or say lovely things and compliment me. This is who he is, he doesn't talk about his feelings. It makes him visibly uncomfortable.

The downside to this is that when he has something critical to say it can feel very harsh. Like he only criticises me because it's not being softened by the complimentary stuff the rest of the time.

On his side he probably feels like he has an octopus for a wife who is always trying to hug him and sit next to him when he just wants his own space to breathe.

I love him to bits and we are on the same page about everything that really matters. Our arguments have always come from the way we express ourselves.

So long story longer I was recommended this book The five languages of love by a hcp who thought it would help with my feelings that he doesn't love me because he isn't very demonstrative. I ordered it today and saw that there is a test you can take online.

So we both did it and emailed each other the results.

Mine was basically as I thought it would be.

9 Physical Touch
9 Words of Affirmation
7 Quality Time
4 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts

His was nearly the exact opposite. Dead last with 1 point was physical affection.

Now I bought the book thinking that it would be useful for me to see the ways he is showing love as we obviously are very different people

But actually looking at that little test and thinking that for every question where 'cuddle' 'hug' 'sex' were offered, he chose anything else is really upsetting me. How do I get past that? I don't want to feel like every time I give him a hug he's quietly wishing I would just fuck off.

www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

Can I ask you a V personal question? Is sex tied up in there or is it a different thing altogether for you?

To me any contact not initiated by me is rarely welcomed. I realise that I'm probably odd in that respect.

But I'm fidgety when people are cuddling me or something. I feel trapped or something. It's hard to describe.

Now I make a special effort to do more things around the house and he makes more effort to spend time together.

And you can with those two. But physical affection is different because people feel violated when they don't want it.

You can now recognise the ways he is showing you love, even if it doesn't feel loving.

Look at the list together and find things maybe halfway down his list that you are comfortable with, and vice versa. Use the other methods, that aren't your first choices, to show love to each other.

This gets better with time- if you both try. If you back off on the touchy feels stuff, he may tolerate more of it!

I love sex once I don't feel pestered for it. I'm apparently a very passionate lover, but men will want to fall asleep after with me in their arms, and I'll want to get out of bed and have a cigarette.

It's not about touch for me, it's more about whether I feel in control of when I'm being touched. Does that make sense?

He may be better at 'organised touch', so giving you a massage or brushing your hair, rather than snuggling on the sofa.

I think rather than focusing on what he might not like so much, maybe focus on what he does appreciate.
For me, conversation, praise, being told that he loves me etc. means everything to me.
I'm a bit lyrical for want of a better word.

If you back off on the touchy feels stuff, he may tolerate more of it!

I don't want to be tolerated.

I can accept that he doesn't show affection the way I do. But I don't know if I can accept that me showing affection is actually pretty stressful for him. Does that make sense?

I genuinely right now am in floods of tears and wondering if this might be what finally ends things for us. Seeing in black and white what he chose really has floored me.

The other thing is we have been together a long time. He chose the answers with me in mind. Not a generic "partner". Maybe it's just me.

Please don't end your relationship over a silly book and quiz!

Maybe just think that he might appreciate conversation rather than cuddling?

There are so many threads in Relationships from wives complaining that their husband won't leave them alone. And now, I know that's me. I'm the creep. That's how he feels.

It's not just you. I'm single so I was thinking about 2 different past relationships (I was trying to be fair in my answers because how I view some things would be different with one partner, but either way, my answer was the same when thinking about the other partner who broke my heart).

You're not a bloody creep lol.

Maybe just think that he might appreciate conversation rather than cuddling?

I understand that although he doesn't really talk. He likes being told nice things (apparently according to the quiz). But he's actually not a talker himself. But I need physical affection. Cuddling, kissing, touching. I feel terrible when I don't have it. So if he doesn't like it obviously I will stop. But it's not a relationship that I want to be in. To me that's a friendship where the "benefits" are shared debt.

I feel like he'd rather I remember to grab him a Crunchie bar on the way home than to give him a kiss.

This is totally me. When DP does this, it makes me feel he is thinking about me when I am not with him. He is thinking of me and wants to do something nice for me.

I feel that hugging and kissing is ok. But, I really like the thought of him thinking of me when he doesnt have to. You hug and kiss when you are together, so you think of it. It's hard to explain, but yes, a very small gift, does make me feel more loved.

We'll be in the retirement home and he'll ask for us to be wheeled to separate sides of the room.

I suspect of one of you changes. Let's, for arguments sake, say you. And pay attention to his languages. Start doing things that show you have paid attention and trying, that he will show the same.

Or vice versa.

From the quiz, it seems that you're given two nice options, such as "someone i love says something encouraging to me" vs "i get a hug from someone i love". He's not saying that he hates the latter, just that he likes the former more, and finds it easier to express affection like that.

We'll be in the retirement home and he'll ask for us to be wheeled to separate sides of the room.

I actually spat out my tea at that, as that is like something I'd do!!!!!!!!!

I feel like all the other things you can get from other people, friends, family. The only thing you get from your partner is the physical side. I just don't see the point otherwise. Am I weird?

We're into some deep territory now xD. What is romantic love? Is it just the physical side of things that makes it different from platonic love?

For e.g. I was in A&E and ex DP was in the cubicle. I'd make him move the chair down to the end of the bed. A nurse would come in and say something like 'Oh look at you sitting down here, shall I bring the chair up further so you can be next to Apoiads?' I'd be inwardly seething and he'd be delighted he'd get to hold my hand. Then I'd run him down to the end of the bed again. I'm weird.

What is romantic love? Is it just the physical side of things that makes it different from platonic love?

Isn't it. That and doing the dishes.

Apoiads I think you’re trying to be helpful but all your lols and are so out of touch with the OP’s deep sadness that it’s quite hard to read.

OP maybe you shouldn’t have to deal with the painful lack of affection - maybe you would be much happier with a different partner who loves touch too. But talk to your partner first - properly, honestly.

Well @Apoiads if shit goes south for me- I think you might be in luck!