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Original poster

Affair with a friend - action against friend?

85 replies

metallica121 · 10/04/2019 22:25

Male here Smile

Slightly long post, but please bear with me and assist with your thoughts as I am very confused.

I recently found out that my wife was having an affair with a common friend. It lasted for 2 months until I found out about it. She admitted to the affair.

I have several more common friends with this friend.
We have decided to give my marriage a chance (dont have kids).

While I am aware that my wife is also to be blamed, but having seen all the facts it was the friend who played a significant role in wooing the wife and taking advantage or her unstable mind.

I want to seek advise with regards to what action I can take against him to punish him OR is it even worth doing anything OR just let him go and forget relationships with other friends who are common to him?

I am not seeking advice regarding cheating, divorce.

Now when the affair began, we were going through a rough patch in our marital life and I know my wife was in an emotionally disturbed state. She is a fairly sensitive woman and young in age too.

The common friend became aware of our situation and unknown to me started offering support. He has had several short relationships and he got divorced because he cheated on his wife. I have seen messages, emails and heard how it all began. Without going into too much detail, it was him who is majorly responsible and took advantage of a vulnerable woman.

I am understandably furious and want to understand what options I have against him. Anything legal, through police, solicitors or on social media ? Or just not bother about him?

Given we have common friends, I am now avoiding social situations. I am unsure if I should tell all friends how he acted so they isolate him or will it backfire? Or get new friends?

Anyone who had been in similar situation?

OP posts:
Musti · 10/04/2019 22:29

She cheated on you. You're trying to lessen her role but as much as your friend acted despicably towards you, your wife is the one that really did you wrong. Sensitive, emotionally disturbed, young...doesn't cut it.

MMmomDD · 10/04/2019 22:30

You don’t have any legal options - you do realise that....

And - come on. Work on your marriage because you want to.
But just don’t kid yourself and don’t patronise the woman you married.
No one has an affair because they have been led astray. It’s always a choice.

If you do think that she is not in a mentally stable condition - than both him and YOU are manipulating her. As she is not able to decide for herself - whether staying with your is really what she wants.

How old are you both? Have a strange feeling that there is a large age gap, and she is really really young. And there is probably more to the story.

RLOU30 · 10/04/2019 22:34

Eh? Police ? Is there more to this ?

poppingoff · 10/04/2019 22:34

If you tell your common friends, then you're telling them about your wife too, remember. Which is fair enough, but you seem to see her as a victim in all this, so why would you want to do that?

Let it go. Don't lose other friendships over it though. Unless of course, those people knew about it and you want to cut them out for that reason.

poppingoff · 10/04/2019 22:35

Though I'm interested in why you think you the police or a solicitor would be an option!

Bankofenglandfiver · 10/04/2019 22:35

I’m imagining what crime you think he has committed?

Aduktery isn’t illegal, and if it was, your case would be against your wife.

She chose to be unfaithful.

Fonduefrolics · 10/04/2019 22:35

Yeah. I’ve been in a similar situation.

You feel angry with your friend but ultimately your friend didn’t take any vows. Your wife did.

Don’t put it on social media.
Doubt the police would be interested (unless she was coerced or really mentally unwell)

Walk away. Forget revenge. Keep your dignity.

Gazelda · 10/04/2019 22:42

Any revenge you take will impact your wife

Concentrate on your marriage. But don't absolve your wife of all blame - she is not innocent. Your ex fiend is not wholly to blame

Remember that you don't just need to repair the damage caused by the affair, but also the problems that existed beforehand.

JustHereForThePooStoriesFella · 10/04/2019 22:44

She’s not your property, you can’t take legal action against someone for “taking” her.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/04/2019 22:46

Police, solicitors? no there's been no crime commited

Social media? Something a 15 year old girl would do

You need to accept it and move on or end the marriage.

QuimReaper · 10/04/2019 22:48

ConfusedShock

Have I opened a thread from the 19th century?

it was the friend who played a significant role in wooing the wife and taking advantage or her unstable mind.

Seriously?!

Alfiemoon1 · 10/04/2019 22:50

He hasn’t committed a crime so no need for the police or solicitors.
If you post it on social media or tell other friends It may backfire as i am sure your wife doesn’t want everyone knowing

Although your friend has done an awful thing by having an affair with your wife he didn’t make vows to you she did

poppingoff · 10/04/2019 22:52

Post about it on social media and you'll be the one the police is interested in.

chipsandgin · 10/04/2019 23:00

I can’t imagine why you’d bother carrying on in a marriage with a cheater tbh, she’ll do it again & the OM is irrelevant, clearly not a good person or a real friend but not the person to blame. You’ll spend the rest of your relationship wondering about every text, every night out without you, every late work night...the paternity of your future kids. Just not worth it. As for action against him - utterly ridiculous, just move on & if you decide to stay with her (more fool you) then ‘being happy’ is the best revenge, how you’d do that though is beyond me. There are a lot of decent, moral; faithful people in the world, if you really want to be happy then find one of them.

SandyY2K · 10/04/2019 23:43

Are you in the UK? As having an affair is not a crime here. It us in a few countries (like the Phillipines) in the world, but it would be the married person who would face consequences.

TheStuffedPenguin · 11/04/2019 00:06

People love to do this - the wife was seduced or the husband was led astray . Sadly they all choose to do this . You're just looking for an outlet for your anger - it's not just him , it's both of them .

PurpleDaisies · 11/04/2019 00:15

While I am aware that my wife is also to be blamed, but having seen all the facts it was the friend who played a significant role in wooing the wife and taking advantage or her unstable mind.

Hmm

Yes. He seduced the poor little unstable woman away...

Raspberrytruffle · 11/04/2019 03:04

There is absolutely nothing you can do apart from move on and concentrate on repairing your relationship. You sound nuts. Your ex freind already has a reputation and people will know what he's like

Raspberrytruffle · 11/04/2019 03:05

Oh and stop pinning all the blame on him your wife was a willing participant, bollocks to her state of mind stop putting her on that pedastal

PCohle · 11/04/2019 04:00

Criminal conversation was abolished as a tort in England in 1857.

Your wife is the one who promised to be faithful to you. The only thing you can do is move on and, if you chose, focus on rebuilding your relationship. The best revenge is a life well lived etc.

PCohle · 11/04/2019 04:01

Criminal conversation was abolished as a tort in England in 1857.

Your wife is the one who promised to be faithful to you. The only thing you can do is move on and, if you chose, focus on rebuilding your relationship. The best revenge is a life well lived etc.

MumsyJ · 11/04/2019 04:40

It takes two to tango. I don't see why the said friend is solely being blamed here whilst you're giving your marriage a chance, knowing he wasn't the one that exchanged vows with you at the alter 🙄.

If you want to go counselling with your wife, that's cool. But have at the back of your mind, once a cheat, always a cheat. Leave the said friend be and focus on working on your marriage. Be the bigger person here!

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 11/04/2019 05:01

You have cast your wife as a victim so you can blame him and not her.

They were both to blame. If she is pushing how much she was a victim, she is taking the piss out of you.

AvengersAssemble · 11/04/2019 05:04

Your wife is the one who cheated, stop trying to get revenge, grow up.

Lweji · 11/04/2019 05:24

Emotionally unstable and young?

We have decided to give my marriage a chance

HmmHmmHmm