Affair with a friend - action against friend?

[metallica121]

Male here

Slightly long post, but please bear with me and assist with your thoughts as I am very confused.

I recently found out that my wife was having an affair with a common friend. It lasted for 2 months until I found out about it. She admitted to the affair.

I have several more common friends with this friend.
We have decided to give my marriage a chance (dont have kids).

While I am aware that my wife is also to be blamed, but having seen all the facts it was the friend who played a significant role in wooing the wife and taking advantage or her unstable mind.

I want to seek advise with regards to what action I can take against him to punish him OR is it even worth doing anything OR just let him go and forget relationships with other friends who are common to him?

I am not seeking advice regarding cheating, divorce.

Now when the affair began, we were going through a rough patch in our marital life and I know my wife was in an emotionally disturbed state. She is a fairly sensitive woman and young in age too.

The common friend became aware of our situation and unknown to me started offering support. He has had several short relationships and he got divorced because he cheated on his wife. I have seen messages, emails and heard how it all began. Without going into too much detail, it was him who is majorly responsible and took advantage of a vulnerable woman.

I am understandably furious and want to understand what options I have against him. Anything legal, through police, solicitors or on social media ? Or just not bother about him?

Given we have common friends, I am now avoiding social situations. I am unsure if I should tell all friends how he acted so they isolate him or will it backfire? Or get new friends?

Anyone who had been in similar situation?

No, it's decidedly NOT worth punishing him.

In a nutshell, what happened here was: two adults, both presumably capable of consent if not, we're looking at an altogether different situation, and your marriage won't look good either, got sexually involved with one another. Which, to be fair, they're free to do.

Now, she presumably promised you to restrict her sexual exploits to you alone. And, as a friend, you may have had a not entirely unreasonable expectation that he would not deliberately set out to hurt you. I'm happy to accept that this makes both of them less than perfectly nice people. But it's neither coercive nor illegal. Just them being a bit crap, really.

The way you speak about your wife is really a bit worrying. Yes, your OP does come across as though you seem to look at this as some sort of a property crime, even if your explanation says you don't. And everything you say about her suggests that you don't quite regard her as a capable adult with reasonable judgment. In which case: why on earth would you think it'd be okay to be married to someone like this?

Look, she cheated on you. She's responsible for your relationship. He's a pretty crap friend but didn't exactly promise to keep your marriage intact, I presume. Cut him out and think long and hard about your relationship. And start looking at your wife as the adult she is or do yourself and her a favour by ending it. This sounds really disturbing.

You come across as very controlling. If your wife wanted to pursue cases for a) harassment or b) defamation then that would be entirely up to her, not you. Neither course of action would be advisable or at all likely to succeed.

If she has actually blocked the other man then how has he been able to contact her?

Hmmm🤔, you seem to be ignoring the age gap question between you and your "very young" and "unstable" wife op?

I'd hazard a guess that your mutual friends already know everything anyway, and about more than you realise. That ship's sailed. Your only concern should be rebuilding your relationship with your poor feeble-minded child bride wife, not what anyone else thinks.

What would be the point of getting lawyers or the police involved? A stalking charge won't hold up unless she's genuinely in fear for herself or would be. When the police hear they had an affair they will probably tell you to get on your book

I understand an appetite for vengeance but it's not healthy. How will this help you in any way? Relationship counselling with your wife will probably serve you better - the affair has happened and trying to punish the man is silly.

He hasn't committed a crime, unless your wife considers that his attempts to contact her after she asked him not to constitute harassment, or she feels at risk. In such a case, she may consider reporting the situation to the police, as the victim of the crime. Not you.

You sound extremely controlling, and as though the affair is somehow your business to manage, punish and retrofit socially so as to make the other guy the only one at fault. You also sound as if you think your wife is incapacitated and entirely incapable of making her own decisions -- is marriage counselling really appropriate with someone who is, according to you, 'emotionally disturbed'?

Take her to the apothecary and have her humours looked over for hysteria, old boy.

Hi OP
Unlike others i sympathise with your plight. I can see you are desperate to get your revenge and the police and solicitors involved so may i suggest one of the following:

1. Asking him to step outside with you at dawn for a duel - (that you win of course).
2. Springing out on him unawares Cato style and slitting his throat from behind.
3. Cutting the brake lines of his car for he most surely will plough into a tree and be extinguished.

Surely one of these will suffice?

Patroclus and Ask, I think we're definitely in the 19thc here, so might I suggest the OP purchases a phrenologist's head and checks his wife's bumps of amativeness, and then arranging a carriage accident for the paramour. Though a duel would work, too.

I can see what you are angling at. You want to have him done for harassment and defamation and you want him to sign an undertaking, basically entering into a contract with you that he will not speak of you/your wife to anyone.
These are civil issues.
By all means contact a solicitor regarding these but there is no obligation for him to sign anything and if you want to proceed you would need to have deep pockets and be prepared to lose. A defamation case could run into hundreds of thousands of pounds and take years to process.

In the future maybe your wife could have her lovers sign an NDA?

Yeah... You're not going to get it are you?

Your wife cheated on you, NOT your friend.

Airing dirty laundry only makes the ‘airer’ look unhinged. You’ll make yourself look like a nutcase and it won’t help your marriage.

Contact the police? What will you say? ‘Officer is like to report a crime. My friend slept with my wife with her consent’ you’d get treated more seriously if you rang for an ambulance with a broken fingernail

He spotted an opportunity and moved.

I would tell everyone. Its not your shame to bear, its his and hers.

Errrm, your wife is the one that cheated. He owes you a fat fucking zero. How about directing your feelings at the one person that should have been loyal to you, your wife you fucked around. You sound not quite the full shilling.

I do understand you are hurt and angry and I can see why you want revenge or to punish the other man. However it is your dw who has betrayed you no matter how convincing the om was unless she is unable to say no (which is another issue entirely) she was a consenting adult

How did he contact her after she had blocked him ?

Is it possible your dw is minimising the situation playing the victim he wooed her how could she say no etc now she’s been caught out and you are falling for it.

I too feel as if I have stepped back in time to the 18th century where women had no agency or presence of mind and men were cads or rogues ok, I've read far too many shite novels

Can I suggest that you challenge him to a dual perhaps?

Maybe a few of your mutual friends could step in and act as 'seconds' to ensure it's all honourable and such like.

Clearly, your only course of action is to slap him with a riding glove, call him a poltroon and challenge him to rapiers at dawn.

It wasn't a "mistake" on your wife's part it was a long series of decisions she willfully made. A mistake is forgetting an appointment or oversleeping-you're focusing on him when it's her who should be under scrutiny

All this hurt and anger will be damaging to you as well as to your marriage, OP. Saying something to your group of friends won't help either. There's no legal action you could pursue so put that idea out of your head, too.

Please just turn your focus to repairing your marriage.

I would think in order for you to move on you would need your dw to accept full responsibility for her actions if not how do you know this poor child like delicate flower or however you described a cheating consenting adult in you initial post won’t be shagging the next bloke who woos her and puts you down ?

You said you want to rebuild your life and move on? Forget the man your wife willingly fucked, step away from your friendship group for a while and both you and your wife should have counselling separately then couples counselling if that's what your wife actually wants. But I think you may find talking someone's separately a good help and to see things clearer, forget what the other man will say you cant controll what he says.

This thread is hilarious! I’ve throughly enjoyed reading this novel. 😂

I can’t wait to read what happens next, marking my place. 👍🏻🍷😎

Will you please stop referring to "common friends"? They're mutual friends. You make them sound like peasants.

Or is this deliberate? Are you posh and they're not? You sound posh.

Don't speak to him again. I don't really buy that your wife was seduced away by the bad man but if that's what helps you sleep at night....