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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair with a friend - action against friend?

85 replies

metallica121 · 10/04/2019 22:25

Male here

Slightly long post, but please bear with me and assist with your thoughts as I am very confused.

I recently found out that my wife was having an affair with a common friend. It lasted for 2 months until I found out about it. She admitted to the affair.

I have several more common friends with this friend.
We have decided to give my marriage a chance (dont have kids).

While I am aware that my wife is also to be blamed, but having seen all the facts it was the friend who played a significant role in wooing the wife and taking advantage or her unstable mind.

I want to seek advise with regards to what action I can take against him to punish him OR is it even worth doing anything OR just let him go and forget relationships with other friends who are common to him?

I am not seeking advice regarding cheating, divorce.

Now when the affair began, we were going through a rough patch in our marital life and I know my wife was in an emotionally disturbed state. She is a fairly sensitive woman and young in age too.

The common friend became aware of our situation and unknown to me started offering support. He has had several short relationships and he got divorced because he cheated on his wife. I have seen messages, emails and heard how it all began. Without going into too much detail, it was him who is majorly responsible and took advantage of a vulnerable woman.

I am understandably furious and want to understand what options I have against him. Anything legal, through police, solicitors or on social media ? Or just not bother about him?

Given we have common friends, I am now avoiding social situations. I am unsure if I should tell all friends how he acted so they isolate him or will it backfire? Or get new friends?

Anyone who had been in similar situation?

OP posts:

blackcat86 · 11/04/2019 05:41

You cant seek any legal recourse or go the police for a consensual affair. However, you could tell all of your friends what he's done. You say your wife is emotionally unstable and sensitive. Does she have a diagnosed MH issue or are you just giving her a bit of a free pass? Either way I would suggest couples counselling and frank honesty between you

StarlightLady · 11/04/2019 05:57

“The” wife??????????

Bit like “the cat” or “the car” or “the dog” then?

As mentioned by others, it takes 2 to tango, not only that, it takes 2 to want to tango in difficult circumstances. Often because they are unhappy.

category12 · 11/04/2019 06:02

If she's so vulnerable and unstable, then you are as much as a threat to her as he is. If she's incapable of informed consent you need to back off and get her help.

The sentence lweji picks out is very telling: "We have decided to give my marriage a chance".

MaybeitsMaybelline · 11/04/2019 06:23

Unless you live in Saudi then nope, legally you can’t do a thing. And what would you do? Have them stoned?

Your ideas do sound in the nicest possible way, errr dated.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/04/2019 06:33

Solicitors? Police? Is this serious?

No, there is nothing you can do. Assuming you're in the UK, consenting adults can have sex.

I would be very wary about this idea what you have all the facts. Your wife will be showing you what she wants you to see.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 11/04/2019 06:39

I don't think the OP will be back.

Belenus · 11/04/2019 06:45

We have decided to give my marriage a chance

This jumped out at me too. Very odd juxtaposition between plural and singular. Unless you think the OM is so involved that you have to ask him if you can give your marriage a chance? Whole thing seems odd but anyway OP, revenge is like taking poison yourself then expecting the other person to get ill.

eddielizzard · 11/04/2019 06:58

You talk about her as though she has diminished responsibility. If that's the case is she getting any help?

Either way, my answer is the same as everyone else's. She's broken your trust. As there are no children I'd be moving on.

AlwaysCheddar · 11/04/2019 07:15

Seriously??!! How old are you?!

UserMuser098 · 11/04/2019 07:19

You should absolutely call the police and tell them the whole situation.

... Then post on here to tell us what they said.

Bambamrubblesmum · 11/04/2019 07:52

Its the Easter holidays

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 11/04/2019 07:58

If she has diminished responsibility, she cant decide to work at your marriage.

So are you also a villain that's making her work at the marriage she actually wants to leave.

LordWheresMyShoes · 11/04/2019 08:06

I guess it's better than "I have decided to give her marriage a chance. Marginally.

TheOP232323 · 11/04/2019 08:13

am understandably furious and want to understand what options I have against him. Anything legal, through police, solicitors or on social media*

OP if she’s so mentally unstable that she’s incapable of making decisions as to who she has relations with surely you are committing a crime as well.

And if she’s as unstable as you say I hope she is getting help.

RottnestFerry · 11/04/2019 08:27

Have I opened a thread from the 19th century?

I thought the same thing. The language used wouldn't be out of place in a Dickens novel.

Criminal conversation was abolished as a tort in England in 1857

More evidence that suggests the OP has found a wormhole in the space time continuum.

headinhands · 11/04/2019 08:57

I want to seek advise with regards to what action I can take against him to punish him*

And how would that help. Any action you make against him will not make you feel any better. And you'd also have to mete it out to her too. I'm also uncomfortable with how you describe your partner. From how you describe her it doesn't sound like she should be in a relationship, especially not someone so immature that they want to 'take action against' someone in this sort of situation.

LaughingCow99 · 11/04/2019 09:01

Oh come on, your wife cheated on you but your blaming the guy. Get real. Both deceived you. You are sticking your head in the sand and are deluding yourself. It went on for months, it wasn't a one-off.

She's a cheat and you are coming off as a bit of a gullible fool believing she was somehow coerced or persuaded to shag someone else until you found out. It would still be going on if you hadn't caught her out. Wise up. Both are equally to blame, if not moreso her as she is your wife

TheQueef · 11/04/2019 09:03

There is something of the unstable here and it isn't the wife.

PinaColadaPlease · 11/04/2019 09:12

Your friends will likely judge your wife more than the friend she had the affair with.

Stop painting your wife as a victim, she chose to sleep with someone else.

Erksum · 11/04/2019 09:17

Original poster

metallica121 · 11/04/2019 10:02

Right, thank you all.

Probably this is going in the wrong direction. Let me clarify few things

I am not absolving my wife of her mistake - so I am not looking for posts on blaming her, or that I should focus on marriage. The latter is work in progress between us, families and counselling and only time will tell.

But I have seen conversations and plenty of evidence which show that the ex friend was the one who initiated, coerced her to meet and painting a negative picture of me. I am aware adultery is not a crime.

My reference to solicitors or police is related to him contacting her few times even after she messaged him sternly never to contact her again and blocked him. It has now stopped, but he did contact few times even after being told not to, asking her to leave the marriage. It is also to prevent him from telling our wider social circle or common friends false stories or lying that he is innocent and my wife expressed interest in him.

And more importantly - I asked advise with regards to what action I can take against him to punish him OR is it even worth doing anything OR just let him go and forget relationships with other friends who are common to him?

Thanks and looking forward to helpful responses

OP posts:

Gazelda · 11/04/2019 10:10

But your wife did express interest in him. Sigh.

In any case and in answer to your question, I think that a dignified silence is the best way forward. Don't cut off your mutual friends, but don't go out of your way to spend time with him. Say that you've had a falling out if anyone asks. Seek other friends to socialise with, widen your circle.

What does your counsellor suggest when you raise this question? What approach would your wife like to take?

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 11/04/2019 10:11

I think it looks like you have had some very good advice as to what to do regarding him. You can't pursue anything legally, and dragging your circle of friends into it by painting him as the evil predator and her as the vulnerable victim of his advances will backfire massively. Having read PP responses to you it looks like the overwhelming majority suggest leave well alone and work on your marriage if you're determined it's saveable.

anangalou · 11/04/2019 10:14

You want revenge which is understandable. The best revenge is complete indifference to him and to move on and be happy. Whether you can do that and stay with your cheating wife is another issue.

Jackshouse · 11/04/2019 10:16

Either your wife is unstable and is unable to consent to a relationship with anyone, including you or she is able to consent to a relationship.

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