Is my partner emotionally abusing me?

[Amberbamber4321]

Hi. I’ve never posted on a forum like this before but I feel like I need an outsiders opinion. I have been with my partner for 3 years and we live together with our son and his daughter. Issue is he can really snap at me. Talk down to me and just about all I do is wrong. I would be trying to explain something and he will shut me down or correct me. I’m often told to hurry up or criticised. It’s hard to explain. He will go in a mood and not talk to me. His temper can flip in seconds and he has called me names in arguments that I find unacceptable. One example was he told me to “f off u c*.” I told him I won’t be spoken to like that. He nick picks and digs at things and my opinion or way I have handled a situation is usually wrong or could’ve been done better ( his way). If I answer a question he asks and I may not explain myself properly or ask a question back then he gets annoyed. I’m told not to answer a question with another question. I have sat him down and told him that due to this I feel apprehensive when I need to tell him something and that it upsets me how he talks to me and that he talks to me like a child. His response is that he doesn’t hit me, he’s usually right and that’s why he corrects me and that I’m over sensitive. He agreed his temper can be over the top but he says that’s him. He told me I’m feeling this way because I’m insecure and I need to look at why I’m reacting like this. A point to make is we are under financial pressure, and when he’s in a good mood he’s a really lovely man. Can anyone advise if this is emotional abuse or am I being sensitive?

He sounds like he's being unacceptably rude to you.

Yes, it is. He calls you names. If you try to talk about things, he tells you that's just the way he is. He is all about him, and he thinks he's better than you.

You said you won't be talked to like that, which is quite right - so what do you do if he does?

Honestly nothing if he talks to me like that. I get upset and then it blows over.

I think it's emotional abuse, I also think you'd be a lot happier away from this relationship.

Regardless of whether he emotionally abuses you (I think you know he is or you wouldn't need to ask), you need to consider what you're getting from the relationship. He makes you sad, second guess yourself and is horrible to be around. I think you should start making arrangements to leave with your son. I had an awful dad and I witnessed my mum crumbling, I don't know how old your ds is but my parents thought I didn't know, but I was very aware and now I hate my DF. Mum left and showed me how sometimes you have to be strong and no one ever has a right to hurt you. I feel for you OP but think about yourself, that's not selfish, and your son. You'll get through this but sometimes the bad in a person negates the good Sending strength

Honestly, I would say you're been too sensitive.

I've been through emotional abuse before so from my point of view I can distinguish between the both. I was told i was too big, no-one could ever love me with the amount of rolls i have, I was worthless.

I feel like emotional abuse gets into your mindset and makes you feel like you can't leave them, it kills any aspect of confidence you have and takes away all your independence and motivation. Now with a great guy who is amazing, we have arguements and we nag at each other, sometimes he speaks to me like im a child and the same back, but by no way is he emotionally abusing me.

I think you need to be careful when throwing the word abuse about,.

He defends it by saying he doesn’t call me names as in ugly fat etc and is supportive of me. That is true. However he will tell me things like I’ve been too long in the shop, or I’m not quick enough at doing something. I know it all sounds a bit petty but it’s hard to explain.

So basically he says it's your fault he verbally and emotionally abuses you, and he admits he has a temper but has no intention or inclination of working on that, he thinks you should just put up with it.

You know where he stands, at least. He's got no respect for you and treats you contemptuously. That's not love.

Is this the kind of relationship you'd like your son to have? Is this how you imagined your own life would be?

You need to think about leaving him, you deserve better. Speak to local domestic abuse services/Women's Aid.

I don't think it really matters what label you put on it. Is it abusive well yes, obviously, but why the hell are you with a man who calls you a cunt, never mind anything else. Leave him.

That’s why I’m asking fluffy kittens as I don’t know. When I hear of what some people have dealt with I feel pathetic being bothered by his attitude.
An example is that I went out believe I was spiked luckily I got home and he looked after me. Now that’s used as a reason I shouldn’t go out. I’d been out for 2 glasses of wine and a meal and was home at 10pm. He doesmt like me doing anything on my own even going to the shops to buy food. And if I forget something I get a lecture as to how and why. Maybe I am just being over sensitive

Are you actually kidding me FluffyKittenss. I'm sorry you went through a difficult time, but your experience doesn't dictate all other experiences of EA. Nor does it make you qualified to identify cases of it. OP is walking on eggshells, constantly criticised, told how to answer questions, shouted and sworn at and his defence is "he doesn't hit her", so all of that is okay. No you're not overly sensitive, you're being bullied, every day. How disappointing

His behaviour doesn't need a label, you know how he makes you feel and I understand it can be very hard to explain to others, your words get tangled up and it's difficult to articulate exactly what's happening.
In your shoes I'd be looking to leave the relationship, he's verbally cruel, and he seems to think that as he doesn't hit you then it's ok. It's not, that's an awful attitude to have.

His response is that he doesn’t hit me
He knows he is abusive in other ways or he would never say this.
You are unhappy. That is enough of a reason to end this.
It's a horrible environment for your DC to grow up in.
Google - The cycle of abuse.
He has to be nice some of the time or you would never stick around.
It's what they do. Dangle to carrot of being nice, then whip it away and are nasty again.
Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
Do you have any family support around you?
If not then please do contact Womens Aid.
What are your living arrangements?
Renting? In who's name?

“f off u c*.” I told him I won’t be spoken to like that
So what happened? Did you kick him out?
Where there any consequences for this or was it just ignored?

He says his temper is him and I should just leave him alone when he flares up. I have asked him how he’d feel if his daughter was spoken to like this by her boyfriend and he couldn’t answer that one. After 6 months together I broke up with him for these reasons. He was devastated and we talked and he promised he would change and this wasn’t him etc so I went back. He also went through a phase of having a go at me when he was drunk and I addressed this with him and he has stopped and was remorseful

Just because there are worse abusers out there, doesn't mean you should put up with his abuse of you.

isolating you, emotionally blackmailing you/manipulating you into reducing your social life is a method of control.

Making you feel like you're incompetent and denigrating you are ways of chipping away your self-esteem to create a sense of dependency.

Did the relationship move pretty quickly (3 years and a child appears so) and did he appear perfect at first, if so when did his behaviour change?

Shocked by Op who said you were too sensitive. No one should be treated like this. Would he speak to colleagues like this or his daughter?

Read "the verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evan's as it might help you understand the dynamic going on. Best advice I was given was to observe not absorb. Stand back from the actual criticisms and look at his reactions. Be firm in your response saying "it is not acceptable for you to speak to me like this so I will leave the conversation" then remove yourself.

Keep a journal of all the instances as you may notice a cycle. All if this just helps you to realise it is not your behaviour causing this..normal healthy relationships allow for issues to be discussed and importantly resolved.

He sounds vile, Ditch him.

Hi OP. I think what you're going through is really tough and it sounds abusive to me.

Please can I suggest that you give women's aid a call? There may be many other things that your partner does that are abusive that you haven't even thought of.

Women's aid are experts in domestic abuse, and they will tell you in no unreasonable terms whether you are suffering from abuse or not. They will be able to tell far better than us.

On a final note, I never thought I could leave my ex. I did, a month ago. I remember different things he did to me every day and can't believe I didn't notice. That I put up with it for so long.

Best of luck. It sounds like regardless of any abuse that you would be better out of this relationship than in it

@Meowzzz if you read what i said, I stated this is my opinion. and my point of view.

I just think people need to be careful when throwing the word abuse around. it destroys lives once they are labelled that way. this is my own perspective (For all of those on their high horse) like stated before. this site is based on peoples opinions, don't like them don't be on here.

I feel for you OP i really do, at the end of the day it's only you that can decided on what to do, the question you have to ask yourself is are you happy? because at the end of the day thats all that matters.

Telling you what you can and cannot say. What's next? How you dress? What you eat? What time you go to bed? He 'corrects' you, loses his temper with you and calls you a c*. When you try to speak to him about it, he dismisses your hurt feelings with 'I don't hit you', as if this somehow makes his behaviour alright
Yes, I would say this is emotional abuse. He is a bully isn't he?

Just seen your post about you being 'spiked' on a night out and how he 'looked after you' on your return and now this is his excuse that you shouldn't go out again. This is raising more red flags ...

@hellsbellsmelons no I didn’t kick him out. It’s his house in his name.
I moved 45 miles away from my family to be with him. I have parents however we aren’t as close as we used to be. In other ways he is lovely. Supports me with my job and trying to make new friends. He praises me as a step mother of his daughter. He has a short temper with her too ( she’s 17) and is quite bossy in his parenting.
It is difficult to explain and when I spoke to him only on Monday about how I feel he took no responsibility at all. He just says I’m over sensitive insecure and I need to figure out why. I explained that even if that’s the case his behaviour is still unacceptable to me. It was shrugged off and yesterday he was lovely. Wanted kisses and to hold my hand on the sofa etc. Just feels like I’m either cracking up, being too sensitive or he is manipulating me. My ex of 11 years was very placid and when we did row it felt balanced and we had some good rows but this feels different

Life is precious - don't waste it with this idiot. You deserve to be spoken to and treated with respect, with love and care. It feels scary to break up a relationship and go into the unknown, but surely being single is better than being constantly bullied?

He's done a good job of isolating you then.

Is the lessening of closeness with you and your parents something to do with him?

How does he encourage your making of friends if he discourages you from going out? How's it actually going with that?

@flaxmeadow he wouldn’t stop me going out or tell me I can’t but I’d be reminded of that one time etc.
He does try to tell me when to go to bed sometimes. On Sunday he likes to have a few drinks with his friend then go to bed around 9. I however just get baby settled by 8 and like to sit up abit and watch tv and relax. At the minute he’s joking about me going to bed at 9 but he gets up and comes looking for me or likes me to give a time il be in bed. Last Sunday I just said 11 to shut him up. I do argue back with him but now it’s more me trying to make him see how he makes me feel than arguing my point.

The holding hands and being all lovey-dovey after you challenged him is to reel you back in.