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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my partner emotionally abusing me?

90 replies

Amberbamber4321 · 10/04/2019 10:58

Hi. I’ve never posted on a forum like this before but I feel like I need an outsiders opinion. I have been with my partner for 3 years and we live together with our son and his daughter. Issue is he can really snap at me. Talk down to me and just about all I do is wrong. I would be trying to explain something and he will shut me down or correct me. I’m often told to hurry up or criticised. It’s hard to explain. He will go in a mood and not talk to me. His temper can flip in seconds and he has called me names in arguments that I find unacceptable. One example was he told me to “f off u c*.” I told him I won’t be spoken to like that. He nick picks and digs at things and my opinion or way I have handled a situation is usually wrong or could’ve been done better ( his way). If I answer a question he asks and I may not explain myself properly or ask a question back then he gets annoyed. I’m told not to answer a question with another question. I have sat him down and told him that due to this I feel apprehensive when I need to tell him something and that it upsets me how he talks to me and that he talks to me like a child. His response is that he doesn’t hit me, he’s usually right and that’s why he corrects me and that I’m over sensitive. He agreed his temper can be over the top but he says that’s him. He told me I’m feeling this way because I’m insecure and I need to look at why I’m reacting like this. A point to make is we are under financial pressure, and when he’s in a good mood he’s a really lovely man. Can anyone advise if this is emotional abuse or am I being sensitive?

OP posts:
Snuggz · 10/04/2019 13:31

Is the property you are staying in his?

Are you on the mortgage deeds (if any)?

How far away are your family and would they be willing to take you and your son in temporarily or help you out with a deposit on a flat close by to them? You should start by telling them about what has been going on and how you need to get away from him and move on. Most parents will move heaven and earth to help their children, especially if they knew they were being abused.

I do understand how hard it can be to leave a relationship especially if you are reliant on the man financially, but don’t use this as an excuse to stay. Perhaps take some time to think of an action plan and speak to your friends and family and look to sort out where you can live, check what benefits would be available to you and how you will manage financially without him. He is a controlling, spiteful and vindictive individual and you are miles better off without him. Watch your mental health flourish when you’ve left and how you no longer second guess or doubt yourself anymore.

Original poster
Amberbamber4321 · 10/04/2019 13:43

I am currently waiting to start a job and all my money has gone to contributing my share. He has supported us financially and has a list of how much money I owe him back for this. I’ve always worked but resigned from my last job with his support. I have family in my home town and I don’t think for a minute they’d turn us away however living with them would be very strained. Also it’s a very small town with high rentals and very limited job prospects. It’s an option I’ve considered and sensibly probably my only option. My parents didn’t really take to him and have expressed that. They do keep in touch and stayed over Xmas and my partner made them more than welcome.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/04/2019 13:57

FluffyKittens is entitled to her point of view, but interestingly, her experience of getting her head was messed with and her self-confidence damaged appears to be similar to your experience.

Individual actions can't be labelled abusive or not: it's quite possible to be told to hurry up and it's very normal; it's equally possible to be told to hurry up by someone who thinks it is your job to do what they tell you - and then it is a symptom of an abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse is all about power and control. This man believes he has the right to tell you what to do and to control certain aspects of your life. These will be the things that matter to him, because he sees himself as the most important person in the family. He will think the fact that he doesn't control other aspects of your life is evidence of what a great guy he is. Like he believes "so what if I speak like that, I'm not one of those awful guys who hit their partners."

He thinks he has the right to control you, if and when he wants to. I bet he wouldn't give the same right to you. (Actually, my XH did, which was very head-spaghettifying, but crucially, only on things where he decided he wanted me to take charge. I didn't even have a say in that. Admitting this still makes me feel foolish over five years on.)

As to whether it's conscious or not, no, it's not really. As I've alluded to already, it all seems from his beliefs. He believes he has the right to tell you what to do, and if you object, then in his mindset, you are the one who is in the wrong. You are not behaving as you should, and as the one who should be in charge, he believes he entitled to take whatever measures he deems necessary to restore things to how they should be.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/04/2019 14:04

He dies call you names OP, he called you a cunt.

He’s verbally abusing you by this alone.

Tbh I’ve been with my dh for years and he’s never once called me a rude word. He’d only do it once that’s for sure!

If you’re walking on eggshells to avoid his responses I’d say it was emotional abuse

itsinchicago · 10/04/2019 14:06

Is my partner emotionally abusing me?

Yes.

He is not the boss of you. Just because he has a temper "and that's how he is" does not mean that you have to put up with it in any way shape or form.

Sorry, but he's a manipulative, over-critical arsehole.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/04/2019 14:09

The concert/loo incident: he doesn't expect you to be a separate person with your own needs. In his mind, he comes first. This is also why he is sometimes nice, because if you are behaving as he thinks you should, he feels proud of you (rather like some favoured possession or pet) - and that's when you feel everything is going well.

That time when the next day he was lovely, and didn't mention what had happened, which made you feel confused? That's a technique of his to smooth things over and encourage you to forget what were actually legitimate concerns (although not in his mind). It's possible the decision to have a baby was made in a similar "lovely patch" after difficulties?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/04/2019 14:12

You've said he's less bothered when you raise concerns recently - which is a sign things are getting worse. He knows you'll say you won't put up with things, but as you say, in reality you haven't done anything, so he's not so worried about pushing you too far any more.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2019 14:13

He has supported us financially and has a list of how much money I owe him back for this
WHAT??????
So you look after HIS son and HIS daughter.
No doubt do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc..... and he thinks you owe him money!?
You owe him nothing.
It would cost him a small fortune to hire a live-in nanny and housekeeper.
Do a bill and tell him how much he owes you!!!!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/04/2019 14:20

he said he takes things out on me as that’s what you do with those closest to you

This is so wrong. I bet you don't do this. Don't let him do this to you either.

My XH can actually be all right, occasionally, now I'm not "one of those closest to him". I was scared to leave him, didn't know how I'd cope with life without him. I now have zero desire ever to get close to him again! It's safer to be at a distance...

HoustonBess · 10/04/2019 14:21

OP you're caught in a way of thinking that one of you has to be some kind of crazy monster. This means you're trying to work out if he's a manipulative psycho or you're insecure and over-sensitive etc.

It doesn't have to be the case that one of you is 100% behaving rationally. It can just be a shit situation you should get out of.

But the owing him money thing is very unreasonable. Get back in touch with your family, by the sounds of it they had justified reservations about him and will be more than happy to help you leave.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/04/2019 14:25

*He gives you a time to be in bed!???? (Erm Wtaf!?)
*Doesn't like you going out alone
*Has a temper
*Is rude and patronising in his tone
*Tells you you're always wrong
*Arguments are neither balanced or resolved and usually end with you backing down.

Not only is he irritating as fuck, hes also controlling and undermining your every word/move.

To me those two things are abusive, he's basically a bully and an A-grade control freak.

Let me guess- it's when everyone is dancing to his tune, doing and saying what he wants that he's "lovely"??

Snuggz · 10/04/2019 14:26

So not only is he emotionally abusing you, he’s financially abusing you too?! Wow. No wonder he ‘supported’ you in leaving your job – so he could control you even further! Agree with hellsbells it would cost him a fortune in childcare if you went back to work, not to mention if you charged for all your hours of being a live in nanny and housekeeper. The more you write about him, the worse he comes across as.

Oldrockman · 10/04/2019 14:28

Has a list of money you owe? when you live together and have a child together? That there is highly suspect behaviour and I would say financially abusive along with the other stuff. I think you should seriously consider leaving with your child. It will more than likely get worse as time goes on.

category12 · 10/04/2019 14:32

Op, would your parents help you leave him?

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/04/2019 14:34

1.Take that job OP and cling to it with your life.

2.leave the relationship ASAP

Would you parents help you out with a deposit for a rented place?

Original poster
Amberbamber4321 · 10/04/2019 14:39

Hi. He says I owe him the money as he has had to pay my half of bills out of his savings. He says he doesn’t want to join our finances. I have wondered if that’s why he encouraged me to leave my last job. But it didn’t make sense as he’s so stressed over money that my earning will help him a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amberbamber4321 · 10/04/2019 14:40

Also whilst I’ve been job hunting he’s said I need a job for myself to get me out and to meet people etc so I dismissed the idea of him wanting me unemployed.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 10/04/2019 14:47

He's a mean son of a bitch,OP and he deserves to be isolated and alone until he is fit to be around other human beings but judging by your posts he'll never change

belindawaters · 10/04/2019 14:51

I said it upthread and I'll say it again..

Write down a list of the abusive things he's done, all of them. Phone women's aid. Ask for clarification re whether what you're going through is abuse. They will almost definitely say yes, but it's good to hear it from an expert. Tell them you want to leave him (please, please don't stay with this man). Tell them your concerns, and ask them for help. They will support you, they'll help you and advise you regardless of whether you stay or go. That's what they're there for.

They changed my life entirely. Amazing charity.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2019 14:53

OP

Such men do not change. This is really who he is and I would think he treated any ex's of his in the same way.

You are being both emotionally and financially abused here. This man targeted you deliberately also perhaps because your boundaries in relationships to date were skewed. He has certainly seen something within you that he can and indeed has exploited to his own ends.

You need to plan your exit from this relationship asap and with due care. He will not make it easy for you to leave him because he likes the power and control he has and wields over you.

LellyMcKelly · 10/04/2019 15:05

He sounds appalling. Ditch his sorry, rude, controlling ass as soon as you can. Nobody needs to put up with that shit.

Babdoc · 10/04/2019 15:05

OP, telling you that you’re insecure or over sensitive is classic gaslighting. It’s emotional abuse 1.01, straight from the script that all bullies and manipulators use.
He’s blaming you for his abuse, he’s making you question your own thoughts, he has you walking on eggshells, and then occasionally he throws you a crumb of affection or decency to keep you on the hook.
Your family are absolutely right to have reservations about him. Listen to them, and to us on MN, and to your own heart.
You know this relationship is abusive. Of course it is. The only person trying to tell you it isn’t? The abuser himself.
Please get yourself financially independent of this man, get a job, and leave him. If he has the barefaced cheek to give you a bill for what you “owe” him, present him with one double that, for childcare and housekeeper duties.
Please don’t have any more doubts, OP. This man is very bad news, and you need to get away from him for your own happiness and mental well-being. Once you are free, you’ll wonder how you ever accepted his abusive bullshit.

Lhmm · 10/04/2019 15:09

He is unhappy with
Something hence why he lashes out with name calling etc when men aren't happy with something in there life they aim there anger at the ones closest to them, distance your self slightly from him
Don't pander to him just sort kids out dinner etc etc and just don't pay him much attention when he then wants to talk or whatever act like it's no big deal just talk normally act happy and like things are fine it will soon confuse the life out of him don't EVER cry in front of him
While his like this
Hope things get easier for you

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2019 15:18

What does he want you to pay with?
You aren't earning any money because you are looking after HIS kids.
Honestly OP, this is all kinds of wrong.
Get an exit plan together and leave as soon as you can!

category12 · 10/04/2019 16:01

Op, he's really manipulative, you have been manoeuvred into being far from family and friends, out of your job, and into dependence.

Because he's controlling, he would rather be struggling for money than you be independent financially. So he encouraged you to leave your job, no doubt reassuring you he'd take up the slack. Which he does, but in a way that makes you his debtor. He didn't want to join finances because he could gain the economic advantage.

You need to start seeing him clearly. This isn't love, it's control. Get yourself out. If your parents would take you in temporarily, go there.