Is my partner emotionally abusing me?

[Amberbamber4321]

Hi. I’ve never posted on a forum like this before but I feel like I need an outsiders opinion. I have been with my partner for 3 years and we live together with our son and his daughter. Issue is he can really snap at me. Talk down to me and just about all I do is wrong. I would be trying to explain something and he will shut me down or correct me. I’m often told to hurry up or criticised. It’s hard to explain. He will go in a mood and not talk to me. His temper can flip in seconds and he has called me names in arguments that I find unacceptable. One example was he told me to “f off u c*.” I told him I won’t be spoken to like that. He nick picks and digs at things and my opinion or way I have handled a situation is usually wrong or could’ve been done better ( his way). If I answer a question he asks and I may not explain myself properly or ask a question back then he gets annoyed. I’m told not to answer a question with another question. I have sat him down and told him that due to this I feel apprehensive when I need to tell him something and that it upsets me how he talks to me and that he talks to me like a child. His response is that he doesn’t hit me, he’s usually right and that’s why he corrects me and that I’m over sensitive. He agreed his temper can be over the top but he says that’s him. He told me I’m feeling this way because I’m insecure and I need to look at why I’m reacting like this. A point to make is we are under financial pressure, and when he’s in a good mood he’s a really lovely man. Can anyone advise if this is emotional abuse or am I being sensitive?

I lived your life, but his son, our daughter. It’s a damn miserable way to live. I tried to fix it for too long, nothing changed, he was always right too.

Get out, go live your own life. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. No one does.

And financial abuse!
Is there also sexual abuse? Maybe that stuff seems too awful to type.
You can make it all stop. You can have a good & peaceful life- but not with him.

Yes he is emotionally abusing you...and financially abusing you, controlling and manipulating you.

I knew someone who thought it was fine to take life out on their closest relationship/friendship/family. It's skewed thinking to justify their moods, temper and sulking...and so wrong and unfair.

Of course he is nice some of the time, how else would he keep you where he wants you?

It won't get better so make steps to get your life back, leaving this awful man behind before he takes any more years from you. Any thing you do, anywhere you go, will be better than how you are being used and abused now.

''Just feels like I’m either cracking up, being too sensitive or he is manipulating me'' It is probably the later. And if you feel this way in a relationship, it would be time to go either way because you aren't happy and it clearly isn't working.

All else aside, he called you a 'c*nt'. That isn't forgivable. You don't say things like that to people you love. It isn't normal.

'I don't call you fat or hit you' oh wow mate what do you want a round of applause? I wonder if he would have said 'I never call you a c*nt or talk down to you'if you'd confronted him on something else before he started THAT.

Not good enough. Time to go.

He is horrible and manipulative and makes you feel bad. So if you owe him half the bills i hope you are keeping a tab of the childcare costs he owes you!. Hes a mean bully. I’d go back to your family you deserve better and does your child.

OP, I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and it got slowly worse over the years until he’d convinced himself I was so awful that one day, he suddenly walked out on me. He bullied me about my weight for years, often refused to speak to me, and in the last years before he left me, his temper towards me, and annoyance at me, became so bad that I truly believe he would have ended up hitting me one day.

My point is, it does NOT get better, only worse. And sadly, probably the only way he’ll learn is for you to leave him forever.

There are many, many women in the world who have left bad partners and found a lovely man to be with who was also a lovely stepdad to their children. There are good men out there. You should free yourself.

Like my ex, your partner holds some ingrained beliefs about relationships and control, about what’s OK. The part about him saying that taking things out on those closest to us is just what we do had me 😱That is the mindset of an abuser. They literally think that what they do is OK. I have known other abusive men, and what they all seem to have in common is a problem with women in general. My ex would say a lot of things against women in a very jokey way. He wasn’t joking. He seriously believes he is way better than any woman. Just wondering if your ex is like this too?

Do yourself a favour and leave.

What did you decide to do? I was in a very similar relationship. Definitely abuse.

The fact that women have to ask whether this kind of behaviour is ok or not shows we still have a long way to go with tackling misogyny and unacceptable behaviour by men towards women.

There are millions of women putting up with this shite day in, day out. Thinking it's their fault for not being quick enough in the shop or stacking the dishwasher the 'right' way. Ffs! The obvious test is how would he react if you treated him that way?!

But of course we don't treat men that way. Women are natural people pleasers. We question if it's us, far more often than we question whether it's them (spoiler alert- it's fucking them!!!) We walk on eggshells to keep the peace. When we're criticised, we try harder. And harder and harder until we're broken, until we've lost all our confidence and ability to distinguish a selfish, entitled, nasty man from a kind, loving one. We adopt this behaviour as normal and live lives far below an acceptable level of happiness because we can't easily escape financially, emotionally or because of the kids.

Fuck men like this. There are far too many of them getting away with this. We must start calling out this behaviour as unacceptable. IT IS NOT OK TO TREAT YOUR PARTNER WORSE THAN YOU WOULD TREAT A STRANGER!!!

@Hairydairyfair Me? The plan was to save up enough money to leave, but he left first. He has expressed regret, but by then I had enough money to support myself and never entertained going back to him.

But I would have left him when I was able. He was beyond saving and he would have driven me into an early grave if the marriage hadn’t ended one way or another.

I absolutely couldn’t agree more! Fuck these men treating women like they’re beneath them! I’d rather live alone forever.

And I did live below an acceptable level of happiness, for a long time. I couldn’t escape back then, and he knew it.

He complements you on your stepmum ablities, does he go to work and go out socially while you look after the DC's? That childcare you do isn't free, therefore you don't owe him a penny.
Did you resign from your job because he had you working and looking after the DC's and the house, and him, so you were worn out, or did you just hate your job?
Does he do his fair share of housework? You are not running the household for free either. Paying him back is BS, just don't. If you left he'd have to pay others for childcare, your efforts are payment in kind.

Agree with this. Him deciding that you should bear all the financial burden for HIS child is just insane. Just because someone can make a semi-convincing argument for something doesn't mean they are right. He has clearly done a fine job of manipulating you to accept a situation that is blatantly unfair. Of all the things you'd said about him, that stuff about you owing him money is the biggest red flag of all.

The original post is 5 years old...

So what? It's not like anything has changed!

Please, OP, don't listen to this poster!
@FluffyKittenss , abuse comes in all shades. I'd expect better from a fellow victim than to minimalize someone elses experience.
There is no trophy to be won for being the only one to have the right to call themself a survivor of abuse. We all need to stick together and empower each other to get our of unhealthy situations.

And OP, your situation is unhealthy and definitely abusive.