Is my partner emotionally abusing me?

[Amberbamber4321]

Hi. I’ve never posted on a forum like this before but I feel like I need an outsiders opinion. I have been with my partner for 3 years and we live together with our son and his daughter. Issue is he can really snap at me. Talk down to me and just about all I do is wrong. I would be trying to explain something and he will shut me down or correct me. I’m often told to hurry up or criticised. It’s hard to explain. He will go in a mood and not talk to me. His temper can flip in seconds and he has called me names in arguments that I find unacceptable. One example was he told me to “f off u c*.” I told him I won’t be spoken to like that. He nick picks and digs at things and my opinion or way I have handled a situation is usually wrong or could’ve been done better ( his way). If I answer a question he asks and I may not explain myself properly or ask a question back then he gets annoyed. I’m told not to answer a question with another question. I have sat him down and told him that due to this I feel apprehensive when I need to tell him something and that it upsets me how he talks to me and that he talks to me like a child. His response is that he doesn’t hit me, he’s usually right and that’s why he corrects me and that I’m over sensitive. He agreed his temper can be over the top but he says that’s him. He told me I’m feeling this way because I’m insecure and I need to look at why I’m reacting like this. A point to make is we are under financial pressure, and when he’s in a good mood he’s a really lovely man. Can anyone advise if this is emotional abuse or am I being sensitive?

@catergory12. He doesn’t mind me having an afternoon coffee or soft play with other mums for example. But when I said I wanted to go to bongo bingo with a work mate who he doesn’t know he want happy. He did apologise after for his behaviour around that. Saying he was just worried for me. I did point out I’m 37 years old and have lived and ran a house myself

Just feels like I’m either cracking up, being too sensitive or he is manipulating me
You know which one it is OP.
All abusers are manipulative.
They would never keep hold of a 'woman' if they weren't!

So basically he wants to be able to approve your friends - daytime mummy friends .
He wants to approve your bedtime. Is he your dad?!
All for your own good, of course.
He denigrates you, he verbally abuses you, he calls you a cunt fgs.
He treats you as incompetent and incapable.
His anger is your problem to deal with, not his to control.
And he acts all lovey-dovey in between.

Have you read up about emotional abuse and coercive control?

I think I know it’s all wrong or I suppose I wouldn’t have started this thread. However when ur being told I’m being sensitive dramatic etc you do question it. What kind of also I can’t understand is that he consciously knows he’s manipulating me? I can’t believe he would. When we first met we went to a concert and left as soon as it ended to beat the crowds leaving. I however was desperate for the loo and we stopped on the way out. This led him to get annoyed as he was then caught up with all the other people leaving and he had a go and lost his temper. This was a massive red flag and one of the reasons I broke it off with him after 6 months as incidents like this were becoming the norm. An example I gave him Monday is he will say things like “move” when I’m walking or trying to get past.

Oh no Amberbamber. Please don't stay with this control freak any longer.

About this 'spiked' drink incident on a previous night out. Do you have any idea who spiked you?

He's abusive and nasty to you
Ltb

@flaxmeadow. I think I was spiked by a random guy who was trying to chat to us.
Thank you to all who have responded. I think I know deep down it’s all wrong. I know if 3 years ago I could see myself now I’d be yelling at me and wouldn’t believe it. What messes with my head is how nice and supportive he can be. And that he does accept at times when he’s gone too far. However of late that’s less frequent.

Amberbamber4321
It really doesn't matter if he knows what he's doing or whether it's deliberate or not. It's happening now and the more you post, the more It's becoming obvious that he is manipulating you.

This is verbal and emotional abuse. You need to get professional help and leave.

@catergory12 I have googled and read many threads and articles around emotional abuse. I think it’s that some of what he does is in a half jokey way and some is when he’s under immense stress. After Xmas this year I actually asked if he loved me because to me this isn’t how you treat people. This was following 3 incidences of him being nasty after a drink and he was apologetic and visibly upset. I laid it down that I won’t accept it and he stopped and has never done it again. As bad after drink. And on Monday when I said similar he didn’t look upset just said I wouldn’t be here if he didn’t love me and that this is my insecurities and how he’s never repeated his behaviour whilst drunk.

But it's only half-jokey, and humour's often a cover precisely so someone can then accuse you of being over-sensitive. Jokes are supposed to be funny, not thinly disguised digs and control.

And the control around you going out and your bedtime - that's not a joke.

The effect on you is the important thing. Relationships are supposed to buoy you up, not crush you down.

Ignore fluffy kittens.

Yes he is emotionally abusing you and it's completely messed with your head.

The situation won't improve no matter how much you talk to him. He is an abusive bully who pays no heed to your opinions and concerns. I'd tell him to fuck off. Would you want your daughter or son to live with someone who treats them the way he treats you?

He sounds like a control freak and yes you are being emotionally abused by him.

I bet you he doesn’t act like this to his colleagues or if he gets upset or annoyed at work he would never call anyone a cunt. So why is this language and behaviour reserved solely for you? You are his emotional punch bag, that’s why. And the fact that his behaviour has never been checked by you leaving him permanently, he knows all he has to do is go back to being on his best behaviour for a bit to keep you quiet and then he can go back to his old ways.

All the nit picking about your behaviour and making you second guess and doubt yourself would drive me crazy. So just because he doesn’t hit you or call you fat, that makes calling you a cunt ok then does it? You’re not insecure – he is – and he takes this out on you by trying to control every little thing you do. Time to end the relationship unless you want your son to grow up thinking its ok to call mum a cunt when he gets upset with you and treat you like shit – because that’s all you’re good for and will put up with it like a doormat. You are only 37, move on with your life and find someone who treats you with love and respect, not someone who will wear you down with verbal and emotional abuse.

He is clearly abusive OP. Even the fact that he is making you question yourself like this is a MASSIVE red flag. LTB - he is awful to you.

And @FluffyKittenss is talking an absolute crock of shite. Just because your abuse is different to theirs doesn’t mean it’s any less abusive. You should be supporting other people who have been through what you have not telling them they’re being over sensitive ffs.

@WhiskersPete dear god, read the posts!

I just said in my opinion, this is how i relate, then posted again saying just do what makes you happy.

are people blind?

I have asked him would he go to work or talk to a friend like that and his reply is we are different towards partners because u can be and to an extent yes you can but then he said he takes things out on me as that’s what you do with those closest. I hear what everyone is saying and believe me I know it’s wrong. Otherwise I wouldn’t question it. It’s just his responses when I confront him sound logical and reasonable. I think th incident when he swore at me like that was a massive turning point as my son was there luckily he’s only a baby but he was there and also that was the word he called me right back at the start that led me to end our relationship after 6 months and was a massive sticking point with me. But now I’m just too sensitive apparently. I’d be a liar if I said I’ve never gone too far in a row because I have but we weren’t arguing he just flipped his lid and when we did discuss it he didn’t even apologise. I’m not saying that would excuse it but had he come to me and took responsibility it would be better. It’s almost like now it’s acceptable- yes probably because I’ve allowed other behaviour to go in challenged

if people don't like opinions why post in a group like Mumsnet which is peoples opinions.

at the end of the day no one in here can really do or say anything as none of us are in OP's actual situation right now, no one knows exactly what is happening. only OP.

Which is why I said, are you happy? if you're not happy then you need to make steps to change this. whether its leaving the relationship or speaking to a charity and so on. Mumsnet is a platform in which people can only offer subjective advise.

Some of this sounds like EA, some not. Getting told to hurry up is not abuse.

Sounds like emotional abuse to me, but is that definitely the question?

The key question is, do you like being treated like this? Forget his bullshit about you being oversensitive. Do you like living this way? If not then it's entirely reasonable for you to break up with him.

It's not like the only sound reason for breaking up with someone is emotional abuse. You get to choose how to live your life, he doesn't set the terms.

I have asked him would he go to work or talk to a friend like that and his reply is we are different towards partners because u can be and to an extent yes you can but then he said he takes things out on me as that’s what you do with those closest.

No, no and no! What a crock of shit! I can’t believe he has you believing his utter bullshit excuses! You poor woman, he has really done a number on you if you actually believe he is right and speaking logically. Notice how he never actually answered your question of whether he would speak that way/call someone else or a colleague a cunt? It’s because he knows he knows it’s wrong! He is deflecting the question back onto you! He also knows that if he did do that at work he would likely be fired or suspended!

Your partner is supposed to be the person closest to you. The person you share your life with. You love them and respect them and would do anything to make them happy. This is what a normal relationship is like. You don’t take things out on those closest to you if you are a well-adjusted adult because you would have the tools to be able to recognise your behaviour and deal with it accordingly, whether that be speaking to a therapist or seeking to resolve whatever the issue is at the root cause, not by getting pissed off with something and then letting your partner bear the brunt of your mood. I’m not saying anyone is perfect and people don’t get angry and upset, BUT there is a big difference in an argument/disagreement and how you talk to your partner whilst having one rather than attacking them and being horrible, vindictive and spiteful and begin name-calling them to belittle them.

You should treat partners better than anyone else, not worse.

They're supposed to be the ones you treasure and want to see them happy. Not use them as a verbal punchbag and stop them doing things, and make them feel bad.

Thank you everyone. I think because some of it is low level that’s why I question it. However the hurry up comment is said in an authoritative demanding tone. I have talked to him on a few occasions and I’ve said before he now has a different reaction to my concerns. No insight into his behaviour. Part of me can’t believe it’s the same man I first met. And some times he is that person however his attitude is tarnishing that. I do think I am a sensitive person however I’ve told him that and that that doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
I know there are ways out however I am away from family, have no money and a young boy to care for

To be honest, whether it is emotional abuse or not, the fact you are even asking the question indicates to me that you're not happy in this relationship. I hope you're okay. Do what's best for you .

Do you have access to money?
Does he work?
Are you not claiming any benefits?
Could you call on family at all?
Would someone come and get you if you asked them?