New boyfriend and money

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Help
Been seeing my new boyfriend a few months
I have a son and he has a son too
He see his son regular incase that's relevant
Anyway we both are similar in that respect
Here's the problem
Other than him being the perfect guy in every way
When he comes to mine which is nearly every time as he lives at home still
I buy all the food so for dinner lunch breakfast etc
When we go out he also lets me pay
Don't get me wrong he's taken me out for a meal and bought dinner but say we are out for the day and I'll say I'll get this he says thanks
I'm all for paying my way but I feel lately and I guess over the 3 months it's been more un even
I'm barely affording to pay my bills so when he stays which is every other weekend for 2 nights and the odd one when lo is at her nans I then worry about water and electricity! I'm far from right but I'm struggling enough and now I'm getting to the point where it's annoying me
So I tried to speak to him about it tonight and all I got was he struggles too, he also worries about money and because I said it's different as I'm a single mum and im comparing it to living at home is not the same he's got defensive
I understand I probably made him feel bad but it wasn't my intention
Am I being mean ?
I feel so upset
Need some advice from the outside x

Does he pitch in with his share of housework and cleaning up after his son etc when they are at yours? Just asking because I've seen men who don't do their share financially also not do their share with cleaning etc and I'm wondering if he's replacing his mammy doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning after his son and subsidising financially to getting the same from with regular sex thrown in?

If he's a smart man he knows him staying with you so much will be costing you extra. If he genuinely doesn't understand that living with mammy is is different to paying all the bills yourself then what else does he not understand about living away from parents.

Has he ever had his own place?

OP
You're in the early stages of a relationship.
Please don't end up like I was & being financially abused.
I'm still carrying the cost of his cock-lodging/personal debt & frivolous spending on stupid bloody stuff(mostly eBay)

OP, if you're not really keen on the "forever" statements and you got a dose of reality with his finances/lack of wanting to help pay for things, then either explain to him he needs to help more or break things off to get something more suited to what you want/need. Don't settle, thinking this will get better or feel you can adjust your own ideas on it to make it work.

I've been there: kind of feeling things are not ideal but then going with them anyways. I only ended up learning it was a mistake and the relationship did not work out.

It's not supposed to be this way, you know. A long-term thing is being respectful of the other and listening and understanding. I don't really see any of those things on his end, based on what you've said here.

I would end it, other than that I would suggest not shopping before he arrives, tell him you only just have enough food for you and your son so he needs to bring his own.

I would end it, I was once with someone like this, it didn't change in nearly 3 years!! All my friends that have seen someone like this have all experienced the same. People like that don't change.

End it, you can't afford a gigolo.

I’d sit down face to face and explain that you really like him etc however you are unable to continue to pay out for so much when you spend time together and ask how he thinks you can work out a way that you both contribute evenly for shopping / food out? See what he says and then you will know if he was taking you for granted.

Christ raise your bar op.

What to say? Ask him precisely how he intends to change things. With details, splitting food bills, etc. His response will give you your answer x

Don't be hard on yourself op. I know it was hard but you've done really well.

I wouldn't say living with his parents is an immediate red flag, however put it together with everything else is a fuck off out of there situation.

He either starts paying for the shopping, say every other week or its a no go

If he's never supported himself and paid bills maybe he's not really aware of how much it all adds up.
If he's genuinely otherwise nice, lay it all out, be brutally honest and see if he can contribute fairly and begin to pay off his debts. You might be the incentive he needs. But don't hang around too long if he doesn't pull his socks up.

I find it hard and awkward when we come to the till!

That is what he is counting on! You are being played.

He's an adult man with a child: why on earth are people suggesting he needs it explaining to him that things cost money!?

He's no catch at all, he's in debt, he's clearly lousy with money, he's happy to mooch off the op. What kind of future would there be in a relationship with someone like that?! It'd just be shit and drudgery, babying a grown man.

Don't be hard on yourself, what happened has happened. But going forward if you do still want to see him then make the ground rules crystal clear.

Make it clear to him what YOU want and need from him. Whether that's him buying food for the both of you when at yours, paying his share of nights/days out.

If it was me I would also make it clear that under no circumstances will he be moving in either by stealth or agreement for a very long time.

And I'm guessing once you start making less easier for him that he will quickly move on to his next victim.

I'm glad you've said "let's leave
it" but

I think I'm done
you might need to be more specific if he's not getting it.

Let's hope he accepts it
Whether he accepts it is neither here nor there - he's doesn't need to give you permission to break up with him. You CAN (should) just call it a day and go your own ways.

This is/was far from an equal relationship and he seems far from a responsible adult. Onwards and upwards OP.

From a pp - Reply, 'opening up your wallet would be more useful‘

100%

You have one child to support you don’t need another (man) child.

I mean what to say to that...

You tell him the truth!

Twatbag-it’s not working out. I’m sick of it always being me who pays for everything-it’s unfair and deeply unattractive. It’s over.’

He’s playing at being a grown up in your house with sex and someone cooking for him-of course it’s nicer than being at home with his mummy. Stop enabling him and end it.

If you do end up staying with him, tell him you’re broke and he needs to bring his own food from now on (bet he doesn’t.)

More red flags than bunting!

so assuming he works his pay must go on his son and rent to his mum. But he should still give you half towards the food. and tell him you don't want to live with him for at least another 5 years. see how he reacts

Red flags everywhere!

As well as being tight/mean, he gets "defensive" when you try to raise a very real concern. This is not the sign of a loving man who cares about your feelings.

OP , it’s really very easy to meet guys who are nice and say all the right stuff, but as a single mum it isn’t enough, you need nice AND able to contribute and add something to your life, and that means financially too or otherwise it’s like being his mum with benefits! Thing is if he wasn’t round at yours and it was just dates where you both contributed it’s no big deal, but when it starts to be a semi move in it changes the dynamic , unless you are rich enough not to care about the extra expense (some are)

Jesus wept! All this 'explain to him' 'tell him to open his wallet' 'suggest . . .' GET RID OF HIM HE'S A SPONGING LOSER!