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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling really terrified of tomorrow.

90 replies

user1486131602 · 07/04/2019 22:06

I am divorcing a complete narcissist. Too much history to post here, but Friday it got ugly and he go at violent.
Friday I saw my solicitor and the police. I have to wait for him to come home from his mums, make sure the kids are out of the way and get him to leave. ( I've already asked and he said no, joint mortgage). If he won't go I will have to call the police he will be arrested etc........
I don't really have a support system and altho I'm not scared of him the anxiety of having to do this alone is making me feel frantic.
Please someone tell this will get easier eventually, I'm emotionally exhausted from all of the ongoing drama trying to do what's right by the kids and all he's concerned with is himself. Help!

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 07/04/2019 22:07

That sounds dangerous. I hope you won't be meeting him alone.

crimsonlake · 07/04/2019 22:12

Unless you have been advised differently as far as I am aware if he is named on the mortgage you cannot force him to leave. Who advised you down this route?

cordeliavorkosigan · 07/04/2019 22:15

I think you should have someone with you! Anyone. Friend, neighbour, acquaintance.. I'd do this for anyone I know, no questions asked.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 07/04/2019 22:15

Should be doing: no, an acquaintance will be here. No involvement, nothing said or done, just someone here. Excuse the language but I'm actually shitting myself. I am usually a strong person, but little by little he has eroded who I am. Again, I am not scared of him, if he hits me so what, it only helps my case and I'll tell everyone that he did it. But my emotions are all over the place! I just want him gone and some peace, but he's not doing that to spite me and hurting us all with his daily drama which starts as soon as he gets up, even before the kids go to school, upset, again.
Please help, I never thought my life would get so low down and grubby

OP posts:
Boilerbap · 07/04/2019 22:18

If he has been violent this seem like an awfully dangerous idea. There's no point asking him to leave- it's his house too. And if the Police are happy to arrest him why do they have to wait until you have put yourself at further risk in the house? Unless he is committing an offence by being in the house (like there is an existing restraining order or other such thing stopping him from being in the area or near you etc etc)?

Definitely get further advise before compromising your safety!!

BayandBlonde · 07/04/2019 22:19

@crimsonlake I'm not sure if she can force him to leave by asking only. If the police were to get a restraining order then yes she could, on the mortgage or not

Original poster
user1486131602 · 07/04/2019 22:22

I have had advice from the police, women's and a solicitor the person that will be here is employed by one of these. Don't want to post too much here, if I can get him out, things will be easier all round, if I let the police do it for me he will loose his job and I will loose the income I need from him to stay in the house. So, as you can see, it's not easy either way. Hence the anxiety!
I think I just need a little 'love' please?!

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 07/04/2019 22:25

You still have not said who advised you to ask him to leave? As others have said unless there is a restraining order you simply cannot force him out. He owns the property as much as you do and does not sound like the sort of man who will comply with your request.

itwasadarkandstormy · 07/04/2019 22:27

you can do this!
Star

Original poster
user1486131602 · 07/04/2019 22:30

I do not want to post too much info on here.
The police advised me to leave my keys in the door and call when he gets here.
The womens aid told me to go into a refuge, which in this area. Is not a safe thing to do.
The solicitor has advised as you have its 1/2 each and tuff.
His employer has a morality clause in his contract and I'm going to try a use that and the fact he has been reported to the police to make him leave. I am not interested in 'sticking it to him'. Just want him out, pay CSA til the kids finish education, then, I'm happy to sell and give him half.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 07/04/2019 22:31

Itwasdarkandstormy, 😊 thank you

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 07/04/2019 22:32

Nothing useful to add, but sending you a handhold lass.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 07/04/2019 22:35

MrsMozartMKll thank you also 😊

OP posts:
CanuckBC · 07/04/2019 23:42

I hope things go well for you. It sucks to be in such a difficult situation. Keep us updated.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 07:09

CanukBC: thank you and will do!

OP posts:
SelkieRinnNaMara · 08/04/2019 07:18

You will get thruo7gh this. You sound like you have a response to every outcome planned. The tension is unbearable though Brew

AnotherEmma · 08/04/2019 07:21

I'm glad you will have someone with you.
Best of luck.
I expect you will have to get an occupation order - the solicitor and women's aid should be able to advise on that.
There is also the free rights of women family law helpline if you need more advice.
You can do this.

8FencingWire · 08/04/2019 07:23

A big hug from me. It’ll be so peaceful and calm once he’s gone. Don’t forget to breathe, slowly, in and out. Brew

nrpmum · 08/04/2019 08:07

I was in your position. My ex husband was in the armed forces. I was very frightened, one night my son deadlocked the door (he misunderstood what I'd asked him to do) and I didn't hear my exh trying to open the door at 2 am. Finally heard him and opened the door for him where he threatened to kill me (he was abusive before). Spoke to the police who laughed it off and said soldiers don't commit DV (funny how he had before), so I called his welfare department in desperation and they gated him for a few days. They must have given him a stern talking to during that time because the next I saw of him he was moving his stuff to his Mum's.

Only thing I will say is when you do divorce get a good solicitor with teeth.

You can do this. You will do this, and your children will be forever grateful.

Flowers
Shouldbedoing · 08/04/2019 08:10

Good luck this morning, sorry I posted and ran - 3 extra shrieky girls here on a sleepover. Sounds like you have got support and a safe plan. Slow deep breaths and you can do this
(Unmumsnetty hugs)

Kneehighinshit · 08/04/2019 08:15

You can do this user14 keep us updated, there is a wealth of support and good advice here.

OhioOhioOhio · 08/04/2019 08:19

The day my bastard stbxh moved out was one of the best days in my life. Almost 3 years on and I still very much feel like I'm at the beginning of my recovery. But it is so wonderful. Not coping with the constant betrayal of nasty, unkind and beastly behaviour. You will never regret doing this. Ever.

notapizzaeater · 08/04/2019 08:25

Hope everything goes as well as it can today.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 09:13

OhioOhioOhio, thank you so much for the reply, really needed to hear that I'm doing the right thing. I know it is, just needed reassurance! X

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 09:20

Thank you everyone for the advice and reassurance and hugs! I will be signing police statement today. Seeing WA tomo and solicitor on weds.

I want to give him the chance to leave because it will be easier on the kids. This is the ONLY reason.

However, if for any reason he won't.......down the abuse ave it is, arrest, charge, occupation order and loose your job and you're out anyway!

Will post again......soon

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