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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling really terrified of tomorrow.

90 replies

user1486131602 · 07/04/2019 22:06

I am divorcing a complete narcissist. Too much history to post here, but Friday it got ugly and he go at violent.
Friday I saw my solicitor and the police. I have to wait for him to come home from his mums, make sure the kids are out of the way and get him to leave. ( I've already asked and he said no, joint mortgage). If he won't go I will have to call the police he will be arrested etc........
I don't really have a support system and altho I'm not scared of him the anxiety of having to do this alone is making me feel frantic.
Please someone tell this will get easier eventually, I'm emotionally exhausted from all of the ongoing drama trying to do what's right by the kids and all he's concerned with is himself. Help!

OP posts:
Apoiads · 09/04/2019 18:25

OP what was the violence against you. Since police in your words have described it as a domestic scuffle, what did you do to him?

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 18:28

I get quite annoyed with people mis-using police and WA to get a quickie divorce. It's abominable.

Not only are men being falsely accused, but women who actually need help can't get through to WA because Felicity in Surrey wants to divorce her husband and screw him for everything he's got, so thinks - I know what I'll do - I'll accuse him of violence against me.
Which is what this thread sounds like to me.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 09/04/2019 18:38

A scuffle is like a schoolyard fight, a lesser incident! However, it didn't feel like it!
Yes if you had read the thread there are and have been issues. And yes I want to divorce.
I have left him to it tonight, gone to a friends for a sleep and a break, going back tomo as I have to see the solicitor to sign the first divorce paper. I am going to try to force him out as I have described. The police are going to call around later on to 'talk' to him! Well, that ought to help.....not!
I'm not sure that I can play the long game, I have been waiting since last August to sort something and the only person he has talked to about it is his mother! I'm broken and am considering leaving by myself. I just can't take anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 09/04/2019 18:43

Apoiads:
my name is not Felicity.......
I have done nothing to him.........except support him, bring up our family and clean up shit created by his problems.

I am not missing WA or police to screw him out of everything.......I want nothing.

Until you have walked a mile in my shoes........shut up

I hope this never happens to you, but if it does.........

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/04/2019 18:50

Please ignore that poster. They are very clearly projecting.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 09/04/2019 19:14

Thank you AnotherEmma! There's a always one!
At my friends, phone turned off, large vodka and a good nights sleep ...I hope
Solicitor in the am, aid worker to house pm and will try to present my point of view and get him out. If not call the police to talk to him, so he can see that I'm serious.....at least!

OP posts:
Apoiads · 09/04/2019 20:15

A scuffle is like a schoolyard fight

Do you care to expand on what that involved?

Original poster
user1486131602 · 09/04/2019 20:22

No!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 11/04/2019 09:14

UPDATE:
I have applied and signed divorce papers, the solicitor is using his abuse, verbal, emotional and physiological as reason ( proof and witnesses provided! ). The police have cautioned him. He is still here but hasn't said a word since his caution!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2019 09:27

Wow OP.

Things are really moving forward for you.
Well done on getting all of this underway.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 11/04/2019 20:43

Hellsbellsmelons:
Nothing more inspiring than an idiot!
I think I've wasted enough of my life on his problems.
Thank you for checking up on me, will post again when more news!!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 16/04/2019 09:47

I hope things improve for you soon 💐

Original poster
user1486131602 · 16/04/2019 10:56

Weennurse:
Still waiting on him engaging a solicitor.
He is now sleeping on the sofa and at his sisters each weekend, so there is some peace.
But when he returns, the drama starts again! This week he burst a 2ltr coke all over the dining room ... chairs, table, walls, floors, doors, clothes, curtains, blinds the whole shebang.....then came upstairs to me to clean it up! No!
Today I have had messages at 7.30am about the gardening! So as you can see, it is not all plain sailing.
I'm seeing my solicitor again today for the last few tweaks and then the divorce papers will be served on him at his sisters/mothers so he can't say he hasn't had them!
So, slowly but every step forward is a step forward!
Thank you for checking in x

OP posts:
Weenurse · 17/04/2019 09:23

Hugs and sympathy. Stay strong 💐🍷

CanuckBC · 18/04/2019 08:16

@user1486131602I hope you took pics of the coke mess to document the crap he is putting you through.

And is domestic violence whether a “scuffle” or not, still not domestic violence?!? A scuffle is still violence! Domestic violence is usually a very low to zero tolerance with added in emotional abuse (including verbal, psychological, etc ie coercive control?!?) plus some physical whether it be sever or not and it should be taken seriously! I am blown away that he was allowed to stay in the residence on a caution.

I am not from there so I don’t fully understand your legal system. Here, the second you get arrested for domestic you get a no go and no contact the person and address you were violent against. Even if the charges don’t proceed, these conditions stay in place until the court or prosecutors remove them. No victim having to apply or beg, it’s standard whether or not the victim wants them! They usually have to apply and beg to have them removed...

The loops you guys have to go through seems a bit overboard. It’s almost like you have to go civilly even when he’s getting charged criminally and it’s seems ass backwards.

Either way, I really hope you get things figured out soon without further escalation. Document everything as I am sure you are. Record via video or sound even if to jolt you’re memory when making notes.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 18/04/2019 08:58

canuckBC
Thanks, I have recorded the men's, the language used, insults and threats etc.......
I have friends in the USA and their laws are as yours in Canada. Our legal system is really slow and the laws on domestic abuse only changed to catch up in January this year.
I appreciate that it's hard for you to understand, but, I have put up with his drama for a long time, a few more weeks/months won't change anything for me. He will just continue to be an idiot and that will just be more evidence for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 22/04/2019 13:45

UPDATE:
Heads been away for Easter weekend since last weds night, it fells like a different home.....no daily drama.
He is seeing a solicitor this week, so am I. I have made him an offer, we will see how it goes.
I am wondering how I will feel when things are settled, all advice I can find is 'how to recover from a narcissistic/abusive relationship'.
I don't want to recover.....I want to thrive! I want to feel forgiveness and I want to be loved.
I never thought I'd be starting my life again at 55 ( a young 55, I might add!) but here I am. My kids are my priority and my life.
I guess I just need to know there's going to be a time when I will be happy and loved, cherished and adored. Not, fighting someone or something to get where I need to be?
Thoughts Anyone?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/04/2019 11:57

Why do you need to feel those things.
You need to feel those things about yourself first.
I'm 50 and so happy with my single life.
Just get back to YOU for now.
That means without him or any other man in your life.
We do not need a man to 'complete us'
We are very capable females who can take care of ourselves.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 23/04/2019 17:29

I totally agree.
As I have posted, I want to feel forgiveness and love. Each day I am stronger and calmer, but I'm not superhuman! I feel sadness and doubts the same as everyone else. My life has been a series of caring and serving others, I love myself enough to recognise I need to care for myself.....but that doesn't stop me wanting to BE loved.
I have signed the court papers for the abuse, eviction and the order to keep him from me today. Funnily, I feel calm x
Thanks again for checking in, it's means a lot that there's someone listening.xx

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 23/04/2019 19:05

Lots of us listening. Feel free to talk.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 24/04/2019 18:09

Thanks Wally wobbles x
I have tried to speak to him yesterday, but, he is now refusing to go to the solicitor as it will cost him £200 an hour! Did he think it would be free? Well, yes he did! And he is still expecting me to sort out his problems. Welcome to real world!
He has all kinds of ideas, all of which are confusing and illogical and has used them over the years to confuse and annoy. We will see what happens; as he puts it: I don't have to prove anything to you.......you're right, but you will have to prove it to the law! So trot on!
Then he asked me to find and provide info for his divorce defence? 🙄
Duh!
I'm having to get copies of papers to prove my income etc. So have another appt with solicitor next week. I am giving him til then to get his act together if not, then on I go.....I asked for a divorce in February and he still isn't taking this seriously.
He thinks he can force the sale of the house and get a new mortgage while I bring up the kids and provide for them alone.
So, again, welcome to the real world!
Feeling calm and strong right now, but unbelievably tired, I usually have problems sleeping and now falling asleep if I sit down!
Wish this was over already, but, I always knew it was going to be a long rocky road as I'm dealing with someone who is a stubborn jackass who only has concern for himself and his money!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 24/04/2019 23:41

Keep going, one step at a time.
You can’t do it for him, he will eventually realise that he has to do things for himself.
Good luck 💐

Original poster
user1486131602 · 25/04/2019 11:36

Ween nurse:
Thank you for the encouragement.
Baby steps....but, each step is a step forward x

OP posts:
Weenurse · 27/04/2019 01:35

Any further news?

Original poster
user1486131602 · 27/04/2019 11:58

Weenurse:
Well, no.
As above, as soon as he realised it was going to cost him money, real money to divorce, the swearing starting again...so instead of engaging I just said ' I don't have to put up with that anymore' and left the room.
The next morning he went to work and hasn't come back since! (Weds)
I know he's at his sisters :
(he told my daughter- and told her not to tell me! Well, that's another adult move! For a six yr old!)
but he hasnt spoken to me or txt me. Or paid any money into the house account! He is so self righteous!

I expect He will spend the weekend drinking etc then come back Sunday night cause chaos, upset everyone again as usual.

The kids and I just get on with it when he's not around, laughing, helping each other....as it should be.
I think I'm going to have to do the bulk of the divorce, house kids etc, but that's a small price to pay for a peaceful life!
Will let you know more, when there is more! Thx again for checking in! Xx

OP posts:
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