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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling really terrified of tomorrow.

90 replies

user1486131602 · 07/04/2019 22:06

I am divorcing a complete narcissist. Too much history to post here, but Friday it got ugly and he go at violent.
Friday I saw my solicitor and the police. I have to wait for him to come home from his mums, make sure the kids are out of the way and get him to leave. ( I've already asked and he said no, joint mortgage). If he won't go I will have to call the police he will be arrested etc........
I don't really have a support system and altho I'm not scared of him the anxiety of having to do this alone is making me feel frantic.
Please someone tell this will get easier eventually, I'm emotionally exhausted from all of the ongoing drama trying to do what's right by the kids and all he's concerned with is himself. Help!

OP posts:
springydaff · 08/04/2019 09:26

Hope it goes well today lovely - you have the heavyweights on your side so it should be relatively straightforward. With you in spirit, let us know how it goes Flowers 🌸 💐

OhioOhioOhio · 08/04/2019 09:53

I very much regret being loyal to the promises I'd made, my marriage vows and my responsibilities as a wife. If I had my time again I'd nail the bastard. Utterly nail him. Now I'm in a situation where he tries at every opportunity to undermine me. And he has equal entitlement to parent 'our' children as I do. He has chosen to abuse you. He is choosing to abuse you. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

Weenurse · 08/04/2019 10:01

Good luck💐

Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 15:15

OhioOhioOhio
I understand what and why you are telling me, but I WILL NOT be the person he is trying to turn me into. My kind heart will endure.
I am DIVORCING him NO MATTER WHAT.
Our kids are old enough to choose who parents them, and have chosen me! And you know what, for them I thank him.
I WILL make him pay whats due. And then I want NOTHING from him. That way I will never have to deal with him, his mother, family or daily emotional/verbal dramas or abuse ever again.

You and I have each learned the hard way that being and doing as you promised is a thing they can use against you..
So, the only way to win it is to not be in it! He can happily spread his shit.......eleswhere, or marry his effing mother!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/04/2019 16:32

I really hope it goes OK later OP.
I have a feeling it won't though.
Good luck and well done.

mgtow101 · 08/04/2019 16:40

Actually you cant force either party to leave their own property so calling the police is pretty pointless. You both own the property and have equal rites as far as the bricks and morter are concerned. If he got violent, were there any witnesses? Maybe rig up a webcam or laptop to gather evidence of this.
As far as being narcissist, well there are always two sides to the story but you should be able to have separate bedrooms while you both go through the divorce.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 16:43

Helssbellsmelons:
I don't care how it goes, he's out either way.
I hope he can for once, think of his kids.....but I doubt it.
Once it dawns on him that he will go to court/jail, lose his job, kids, home and most importantly his beer money , I suspect he will.
But, now his actions will only have consequences for him!
Thank you replying x

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 16:47

Mgtow101
Have had seperate bedrooms since last Aug. He has been reported to women's aid, police and solicitor. I have a diary of his abuse, texts, neighbours and friends who have all witnessed it. There is plenty more history but too much to post here. As previous posts, all I want is some stability for our kids to finish their education, then I'm happy to sell. In the meantime, I have already filed divorce papers.
I AM GIVING THIS CHANCE FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS, IT WILL BE EASIER ON THEM TO NOT SEE THE POLICE ARRESTING THERE DAD ETC ETC.........

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 16:51

Apologies for the caps!
And a narcissist/sociopath can't see there is another side, they are too wrapped in their own reality, which after 30 years of carrying the constant shit and our family alone......I'm going it alone and divorcing!
Thank you for your input tho!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/04/2019 17:10

Please ignore mgtow101, that poster clearly doesn't have a clue what they're on about.
Of course an abusive person can be removed from their property if they have been violent and the police are involved.
You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing.
When do you expect him to turn up?

Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 17:36

AnotherEmma:
He has been back, changed and gone to gym, with our daughter!
So about 7pm.
Whatever happens the kids come first so, if it's not possible ( don't know if everyone else is on HIS schedule! i.e.: police, aid worker etc) then I will deffo do tomo, but the tension is unbearable ( for me), he came back happy as Larry and told me that Friday was my fault for arguing about the car? I still don't what that means coz I don't live in his universe! Enough is enough!
Thank you for replying and the encouragement x

OP posts:
Apoiads · 08/04/2019 17:46

Are you asking him to leave this evening is it?

AnotherEmma · 08/04/2019 17:47

Weren't you going to ask him to leave as soon as he got home and then call the police if he kicked off? Or are you waiting to have someone with you when you ask?

Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 17:59

AnotherEmma:
Got to wait for the police and or an aid worker to make sure I'm safe!
Also, under no circumstances do I want to do it when my kids are here!
Today, if I can get who I need here when I need them or plan b!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/04/2019 18:26

Oh I see, all makes sense 👍

cuppycakey · 08/04/2019 18:30

Good luck tomorrow OP Flowers

Original poster
user1486131602 · 08/04/2019 20:58

Update:
The aid worker has cancelled on me for tomo!
Great! Gotta do this alone, so it's me against him.....no chance of him going!
Seems I'm destined to do everything alone. Why bother. Maybe I should just curl up and die....alone

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 09/04/2019 08:54

Call the police again OP. Ask for a domestic abuse support worker (not sure of terminology) and say you are scared and he has form for violence.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 09/04/2019 15:54

Been to police today, they won't be arresting or charging him as the assault is being classed as a domestic scuffle!
So! I have spent more time in the police station thats he will!
The aid worker let me down at the last minute, and can't come til weds. So, I'm left to sort it all out by myself again.
Might be easier to go and leave my kids with him!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 09/04/2019 15:58

@user1486131602 chin up. It's incredibly hard and long process and it's utterly bollocks to be let down this way. I couldn't get the gendarmes here in France to take a complaint of a recorded death threat. Fortunately for me the police did. You just have to keep playing the long game and make sure every incident is recorded as officially as possible. Good luck and don't give up.

Wallywobbles · 09/04/2019 15:59

Is there anyway to escalate the police decision?

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 18:12

What is a 'scuffle'?

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 18:16

Is there a domestic violence issue or do you just wish to divorce him?

AnotherEmma · 09/04/2019 18:17

Have you read the fucking thread?

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 18:20

Yes, I've read the 'fucking' thread.
What I've read is that the guy has done nothing to her, but she's trying to accuse him of DV which police are not buying.