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Original poster

I want to givw birth in the UK. Causing strain in relationship. Advice?

87 replies

JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 12:09

Hello,
I was born, raised, studied and love England. My family all live there and it is and always will be my home. I am a very proud British person.
I now live in France, have done for a year and a half because my partner has always been into travelling and wanted to settle abroad. I relunctantly agreed to give it a go. He is happy and loving life whereas I'm 'happy' but i do feel lonely and i was very close to my parents and little sisters (10 and 12).
I am 3 months pregnant. Very happy! But i've always told my partner I want to be in the UK when i give birth as I want my parents and sisters and his family to see our baby the first day of life. I am so passionate about this!! And this has always been a conflict of ours - not majorly but it's always been a slight disagreement for us.

He thinks i'm selfish for wanting to get a plane back to the UK whilst pregnant and that he is putting the baby first and wants the baby born in France.
But i wouldnt fly home when i'm heavily pregnant and close to labour - it'd be about 2 months in advance.
I want my parents, the grandparents, to be there.
I want to spend a few weeks at home visiting family and friends and parading their new family member.

I have compromised moving abroad for him, which he was passioante about, all i ask for is to have my baby at home and to spend a few weeks with family.
Of course I want him at the birth so i was hoping he'd agree to come with because if he refuses, i'll have no choice but to give birth in france since it's his baby too and of course he is first priority on seeing the baby. I just am so close to family and i'd always regret them not seeing my baby.
Of course they could fly out, but asking mine and his to all fly out when i could be overdue or give birth early seems complicated to organise when i could just fly home 2 months in advance.

Advice please??

OP posts:
Bringbackthestripes · 07/04/2019 13:03

www.maternityaction.org.uk/advice-2/mums-dads-scenarios/3-women-from-abroad/entitlement-to-free-nhs-maternity-care-for-women-from-abroad/

If you did give birth in the U.K. how long would you stay before returning to France? I’m thinking of discomfort whilst travelling. Would you stay with your parents? I know my DH wouldn’t have wanted, as a new dad, to be sharing the experience with my DM.

Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 13:03

I work in an office in france but I do miss home and I dont know if it's because i'm hormanal but I miss family and friends so much,
I just dont feel any connections to anyone minus my partner herw,
I'm worried about a lot of things. I'm only in france because of him so if we broke up would i be stuck in france?

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 13:08

Thank you @bringbackthestripes i'll have a read of that now,
My parents wouldnt mind visiting me, i think it's just me being a bit homesick,
And i think I was just a bit in la la land thinking i'd spend months in the UK and move back one day but my.partner is very settled here,

I wouldnt say he's controlling but I feel my life has just followed his because he was adament on moving and now I feel I have to give birth away from home because of my choices and it just scares me.a bit but Everything will be fine in the end

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 13:09

Thanks everybody, i think it's obvious i need to research, think and talk to my partner more but at the end, i'll always do whats best for my baby Smile

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/04/2019 13:09

You wouldn't be stuck, but your child would be. This is how women end up trapped abroad.

It would be unlikely that a court would permit you to take the child back to the UK to live, if the father opposed this. If you attempted to leave without permission, the Hague Convention would mandate return of the child to France, in order for custody matters to be determined there.

PicsInRed · 07/04/2019 13:11

Do you speak French fluently?
That will be a good indicator of your ability to lead an independent life in France, to earn your own income and to develop your own support networks there.

WarmFuzzyF33lin7 · 07/04/2019 13:11

If you stay in France will you receive maternity pay ? Will you receive child benefit ? Are you able to live on your partner's wage ? How do you register the birth ?

Babdoc · 07/04/2019 13:12

OP, I think there are far more important issues underlying all this than the simple one of where you give birth.
It sounds to me that you don’t actually want to spend the rest of your life in France. It’s his dream, not yours.
Your pregnancy has perhaps crystallised all this, as you begin to realise what you will be sacrificing. I suspect you would be much happier raising your child in the U.K. among your British friends and family. It’s interesting that you didn’t marry your partner either- how definite is the commitment to the relationship on either side?
You need to think all this through and perhaps discuss it with a neutral counsellor. There is far more at stake than just the baby’s future nationality.

Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 13:13

Thank you @PicsinRed
Am i selfish that I'd.willingly pay private just for the option of bringing my child back to the UK if things go wrong?
I dont see me and partner breaking up but i always think it's.good to.think about different scenarios when making big life decisions,

He's British too so in my opinion, giving birth in the UK is logical

OP posts:
Cambionome · 07/04/2019 13:17

Just a word of warning; I was in a similar situation some years ago and gave birth in another European country. No problem at all with the post natal care etc. but I found it very hard to be so far from friends and (especially) family with a small baby. We eventually moved back to the UK when dc was 2, but it was a tricky time and my dh was quite resentful of me wanting to come back.

edgeofheaven · 07/04/2019 13:17

PicsInRed isn’t she stuck even if she has the baby in the UK, if she returns to France to live as a family with her partner?

I’m an expat and I know women who are stuck after divorce despite their DCs having been born in their home country.

AnnaMagnani · 07/04/2019 13:18

Is this less about where you give birth, and more about a realisation about what is going on in your life and that it is laying down a lot of things for the future?

You made a maybe carefree decision to go to France, haven't enjoyed it as much as him, haven't made as many roots as him as for you it wasn't a permanent thing and now you are having a baby. Which is great because you love your partner.

But it's kicked off a whole load of other thoughts about how your relationship is, and what your life will be, given that none of this is what you chose?

And this is a v big deal given it's all come about from a decision to follow him to France in the short term.

You really need to have these conversations with him, as probably right now he is in La-La land and his life hasn't changed at all while you are busy really thinking hard. And make sure that your future life values your decisions just as much as his.

Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 13:19

I want to get married but my partner hasnt proposed, he believes marriage is a farce these days and doesnt believe it shows commitment nor love,

@babdoc yeah i think th pregnancy has made me realise how much i have given up, and it's made me think of my long-term prospects.
Tbh, i have always presumed i'd give birth in the UK so i never thougjt id have the stress of deciding where my child is to be born,

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 13:20

Sorry i'm trying to keep up with all the responses so sorry if it seems i'm missing questions

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 07/04/2019 13:22

Yes I know it would be paying privately, i'm not expecting free treatment

You may still be entitled to NHS care as you are not a migrant into the country but a UK citizen working abroad. You need to check the latest regs on working abroad and retaining rights to treatment.

Are you still registered with the NHS or did you deregister and state you were permanently leaveing the UK?

endofthelinefinally · 07/04/2019 13:23

French health care is way better than UK.
So it comes down to issues around passport, citizenship and where you see yourself living in the future.
Do you have doubts about the relationship?
Are you working?
What is your status at the moment?
Your family can come to visit, and once you are 6 weeks post partum you can travel with the baby.
IME you won't be wanting lots of visitors in the early days - you just want peace and quiet and regular food provided. Maybe your mum could come and stay for a couple of weeks in the first instance.

Cambionome · 07/04/2019 13:24

If you are homesick now this is nothing compared to how you are going to feel when you are bringing up a child abroad without your family and friends to support you, in my experience.

(I know lots of parents don't have family support in the U.K., but it's that much harder when you are in a country where you don't know the systems, maybe don't speak the language very fluently etc.)

Good luck anyway with whatever you decide to do.

girlwithadragontattoo · 07/04/2019 13:25

Hi op,
I can shed a little light on this, currently living in Portugal but British, my partner is Portuguese.
We're TTC at the mo, and I've always said I'd rather go home and have the baby and then come back down. I do speak ok Portuguese, however when I'm tried, stressed etc it goes out of the window and take me a little longer to understand. I'd want to be in a familiar setting, around my mother and in my own country. Partner would be with me as he understand this. This is my only reason. When it eventually happens though i might be ok with having it over here. But those are my reasons

Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 13:27

Throughout our 6 year relationship, i have told him i want to settle in the UK because it is my home and i'm quite happy with the odd holiday abroad but this wasnt enough for him.
I was training in social work, finished my degree, but i'm now working in an office in france. My french is getting much better but this is not the life I wanted.
He told.me we could spend a couple of years abroad and come home if we dont feel happy. It was all exciting at first being in a new place but normality soon kicks in and I realised my life is now him and my office job.
I wanted to be a social worker in the UK and if someone could take me to an alternative universe, i would take that life.
I loved him though, and he waited for me during uni and once I finished, we spoke and we decided to give it ago and one and a half years later i'm still here and not happy with my life.
Things may change once the baby comes but even though he is my family too, he cant be my own family and friend, I need other social circles too when a new baby here :(

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 07/04/2019 13:27

It sounds as if this is more about having doubts about your partner.
Which is understandable and very important for you to sort out in your own mind.
If he turns out to be a bad partner and father you may find yourself in difficulties if your child is a French citizen.
Nobody knows what will come out of the chaos that is Brexit, and I would be concerned about that.

PicsInRed · 07/04/2019 13:30

Edgeofheaven, potentially yes, but only if she returns to France after the birth.

However, if she gives birth in France, she's stuck there unless her partner permits removal of the child.

PBobs · 07/04/2019 13:33

It does sound like you haven't made much effort in France because you didn't want to go in the first place. Unless he marched you onto the flight you could have said no to the proposal to move overseas. I was always honest with my DH that I didn't see a future in the UK. He stuck with me. I love him for it and respect him but honestly, I'd have sent him packing otherwise. We would both have been unhappy.

You'll meet mums at various baby clubs etc I'm sure.

As for giving birth, I wouldn't turn away a European passport right now.

Cambionome · 07/04/2019 13:35

There are other issues that you don't really think about until you have given birth. For instance, the country I gave birth in had good medical care but didn't have the same culture of playgroups, mother and toddler groups etc (much more support was given from within the family) and I found myself very isolated at home with a tiny child. Exh, on the other hand, was able to continue with his lifestyle with very change or impact and he remained perfectly happy!

AnnaMagnani · 07/04/2019 13:37

He may well think that marriage is a farce these days but that is very convenient for men in a relationship where women generally end up being the lower paid partner, and with children often part-time or SAHMs. You would need to think about any property rights you had for example or inheritance rights as an unmarried partner.

I'd honestly suggest you speak to a lawyer to find out the facts for your situation being married or unmarried, and regarding your future child before having a conversation with him about whether marriage is a farce or not.

Tavannach · 07/04/2019 13:41

I loved him though

Past tense?

If so, and not a typo, I think you should come back to give birth. As pp says you might be eligible to have your baby on the NHS.
The relationship seems all take and no give on his part. You want to come back to the UK to have your baby. He should be facilitating that, no matter that the French maternity services are better.

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