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Original poster

I want to givw birth in the UK. Causing strain in relationship. Advice?

87 replies

JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 12:09

Hello,
I was born, raised, studied and love England. My family all live there and it is and always will be my home. I am a very proud British person.
I now live in France, have done for a year and a half because my partner has always been into travelling and wanted to settle abroad. I relunctantly agreed to give it a go. He is happy and loving life whereas I'm 'happy' but i do feel lonely and i was very close to my parents and little sisters (10 and 12).
I am 3 months pregnant. Very happy! But i've always told my partner I want to be in the UK when i give birth as I want my parents and sisters and his family to see our baby the first day of life. I am so passionate about this!! And this has always been a conflict of ours - not majorly but it's always been a slight disagreement for us.

He thinks i'm selfish for wanting to get a plane back to the UK whilst pregnant and that he is putting the baby first and wants the baby born in France.
But i wouldnt fly home when i'm heavily pregnant and close to labour - it'd be about 2 months in advance.
I want my parents, the grandparents, to be there.
I want to spend a few weeks at home visiting family and friends and parading their new family member.

I have compromised moving abroad for him, which he was passioante about, all i ask for is to have my baby at home and to spend a few weeks with family.
Of course I want him at the birth so i was hoping he'd agree to come with because if he refuses, i'll have no choice but to give birth in france since it's his baby too and of course he is first priority on seeing the baby. I just am so close to family and i'd always regret them not seeing my baby.
Of course they could fly out, but asking mine and his to all fly out when i could be overdue or give birth early seems complicated to organise when i could just fly home 2 months in advance.

Advice please??

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 12:10

I'm 25 btw and he is 30

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/04/2019 12:21

I think he may be worried that if the baby is born in the UK, you could legally remain in the UK with it.

Given how much sacrifice you have made for him and how little care he seems to have for your need to be close to your family at such an important time, I think you should actually consider this as an option. If you have a child with him in France, your child (so you) is locked into France for 18 years.

How has he been since you became pregnant? Is he as nice as he was or has he become more controlling and critical?

LemonTT · 07/04/2019 12:23

From a practical POV, having the child were you live is the better idea. This means you pre and post natal care is continuous and coordinated. You get to be at your home, settled with the baby after birth with all the equipment and baby things in situ. It’s far easier for your parents to travel over to visit you and they don’t need much notice to hop on a plane or train. You may find it expensive to pay for accommodation and care in the UK as you are not currently a resident.

The problem is you don’t see where you are living as home or your partner as family. I would focus on this issue as it seems you both have a lot of work to do on the relationship before the baby arrives.

PotteringAlong · 07/04/2019 12:24

Can you afford the private medical treatment. Because you live in France, so you cannot give birth on the NHS..

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/04/2019 12:25

Go to England for the baby and whatever you do don't marry him

zsazsajuju · 07/04/2019 12:26

You would need to pay for private care in the uk as you are not resident. Are you prepared for that? Also as pp says, it is a better idea to have the baby where you live.

PicsInRed · 07/04/2019 12:28

If she moves back now, permanently, and establishes herself (council tax etc), she may be able to qualify as resident before the birth.

Obviously doesn't apply if it's just a flying visit to give birth and return abroad.

edgeofheaven · 07/04/2019 12:29

Sorry to say I side with your partner. You don’t seem to see him and your new child as a family unit. You see your child as part of the family with your parents and siblings. It doesn’t sound like France is the issue, you don’t seem connected to your relationship with your DP.

France as almost as close to England as you could be while living abroad, you make it sound like you’re in New Zealand. It’s definitely got to be either extreme homesickness or dissatisfaction in your relationship for you to want to leave 2 months before your due date.

LittleChristmasMouse · 07/04/2019 12:29

Have you considered the practicalities of your plan? Where will you have your ante natal care? Do you plan on just presenting to a UK hospital when you are in labour and what if you need monitoring or tests during last 2 months or go past your due date?

These might all be easy problems to solve, I have no idea. I only know the pathway when you are here for the duration of your pregnancy and the continuity that affords you. Would you have to pay for your medical care here, especially with Brexit looming.

mindutopia · 07/04/2019 12:30

Does he work? How will he take 3+ months off to do this? To be fair, how will you? It will likely take you at least a month to register the birth and get a passport to travel home. It took us a month just to get a register office appointment, then two weeks at minimum for a passport. So that’s about 3 months you’d be here. Can he leave his life and work there for that long?

I don’t think it’s fair otherwise to ask him to potentially miss the birth or the first few weeks of his child’s life just so you can entertain all your family and friends.

Beyond that, where will you live? The first few weeks are really hard and disruptive. Do you have family who can spare a bedroom and their lounge (because you will be walking around it with a baby at 3am every night) for that long?

Having had 2, I think that seems a bit nuts. I would be more inclined to fly your parents out for the birth and support and rest at home without all the added stress of travel.

edgeofheaven · 07/04/2019 12:32

Also from what I’ve heard French maternity care is good and they have subsidised postnatal physio focused on recovery from birth injuries. One of the most developed program for this apparently. Just saying.

mindutopia · 07/04/2019 12:34

Also I think you need to be resident in the UK for 6 months to qualify for NHS care? Though maybe it’s different if you are in the EU (well for as long as we are still in it!). I assume you’d have to pay for a private birth.

ViserionTheDragon · 07/04/2019 12:35

If I had to choose between giving birth in the UK or France, I would choose France without question. The French healthcare system doesn't have constraints on resources like the NHS (assuming you will give birth under the NHS) and you would be much more comfortable there. There is a lot more one on one care from midwives and they have more time to show you things like breastfeeding etc (if you choose to breastfeed).

I understand you would want your family around at the time, could they come to France near the time of the birth?

Anyway, congratulations OP.

Twisique · 07/04/2019 12:35

I would give birth in the UK where your family can support you!

Roomba · 07/04/2019 12:35

I suspect antenatal and postnatal care is better in France, from what I have read anyway. If you give birth in the UK you may end up having to pay for it (you'd have to be here for months to establish residence first to avoid this). But - do you want to risk not being able to move back home with your child if your relationship ends? Only you can say whether this is a future possibility. Is your partner likely to fight you in this situation if you ever split (you may not wish to think about it, or feel that it would never happen, but life doesn't always work the way you expected sadly)?

If it purely because you want your family to see the baby on day one, I wouldn't do it. You may not even feel up to any visitors just after giving birth.

Asdf12345 · 07/04/2019 12:38

Go for the uk if you have deep enough pockets. If not stay in France.

OakElmAsh · 07/04/2019 12:39

I had my daughter in France, my mother flew out just after the birth, stayed a few weeks, she went back, and I went home for a month when LO was 3 months old. I personally wouldn't have missed out on the pre and post natal care in France, it was bloody brilliant, especially post-natal. Also PPs are right that getting a passport is a major faff and takes ages

AnnaMagnani · 07/04/2019 12:40

As you are resident in France, and would only be intending to come over for a couple of months, the birth and then go home, are you sure you are entitled to NHS care?

My feeling is you are not but you would have to check. This isn't dependent on whether or not we are in the EU.

My DH lived a couple of years in an EU country and during that time he would only have been eligible for emergency care in the UK. It was only when he came back and was intending to live here permanently that he had full rights to NHS care.

Anyway with Brexit etc, I'd say your child is better off with any chance of an EU passport it can get.

adulthumanwolf · 07/04/2019 12:42

Wouldn't it be much easier for your family to come out to you?

SonEtLumiere · 07/04/2019 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tealtights · 07/04/2019 12:49

It's a bit crazy you are planning on giving birth in England so they can see baby first, you're the pregnant one...surely they should be coming out to see you, not you pushing baby out to present to them immediately! I'm with your partner on this one, what you want isn't very practical, I think the root cause here is your relationship with your DP and perhaps the move to France rather than where your baby is born. I'd give birth in France just to give them an EU passport!! Think it through, think about what it is you are actually wanting, if it's for your family to see baby quickly then ask them to come out to you before baby is born, if practical, if not, then well tough, you can't give birth where is practical for them.

WarmFuzzyF33lin7 · 07/04/2019 12:52

So you have moved to another country, not married and started a family. Your partner is rightly expecting you to have your baby in France. Do you work ? I thought that the French system only paid out benefits, if you had paid into their system. Have you really understood the consequences of moving abroad ? Have you thought about your child's education ?
A relative of mine went to hospital in UK recently for an operation & had to provide proof of address & identity, even though they had lived in UK all their life
What would happen if everyone who moved to live in EU wanted to return for NHS treatment ?

Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 12:56

Thanks for the advice everyone,
I'm probably.just a bit hormonal atm,
We.are a happy couple.overall and I probably do need to do more resesrch before doing anything rash,
I see my partner as family 100% hence why i would stay if he felt so passionate about staying in France, He is number 1 priority with the baby,
It's just a want of mine to go to the UK and if my partner wasnt so into settling abroad, i would 100% be living in the UK,

Yes ive heard France are very good with postnatal care, I just need to do more research on the laws in the sense, if we ever did break up (god forbid) what my rights would be going back to the UK (I actually never considered this before this post, stupid of me)

OP posts:
GarthFunkel · 07/04/2019 12:59

Are you working? If so how can you come back 2 months before birth?

Your DP sounds somewhat controlling. What were your plans re:working etc after the birth, given you are not married.

Personally coming back just so your parents can see the baby on the day it''s born seems a lot of upheaval and cost for an ideal. Coming back because your DP is controlling and you don't want to be stuck in France for the next 18 years is a better idea.

Original poster
JustWantToGoHome · 07/04/2019 13:00

Yes I know it would be paying privately, i'm not expecting free treatment;
My partner is also British,
I love my partner so much but I do know that I have followed his dreams and maybe that's why i'm aching so much to have a little bit of home;
But practically it might be best for the birth to stay in France,
More research is needed!! And i will 100% take my partner into consideration too since I know it's not just my baby and honestly it probably will end up be me staying in france

OP posts: