Advice needed *trigger warning* Rape accusation

[Topbanana15]

Hi all.

Long story short.

Husband was in a long, abusive marriage for a long time. 3 children.
Abuse was probably from both over the years, but the last 10 years, husband mellowed, ex wife didnt and became very abusive, mentally and physically towards my husband..
The split 11 years ago.
Me and Husband have a 4 yr old boy together.
Although the relationship between us and the exwife has been volitile over the years, lots of crossed words etc, things sincr my son came along have been amicible. My son loves her, and although we know she bad mouths us behind our backs, we are (were) pleasant to one another.
Husbands youngest son with his ex, we have a very good relationship with and he is very very close to my son, my son adores him.
But...
An arguement happened last night, and it escalated very very quickly. His son left and 10 mins later, we get a call from the ex wife (we were expecting it) and she was angry.
She got very nasty to me, calling me names and telling to go to her house and she will 'have me'
Obviously, i didnt.
But she threw a massive accuastion and we are not sure how to deal with it.
She said that she was going to the police today to report my husband for raping her when they were married. I almost laughed. If anyone knows my husband, will know he wouldnt have it in him! He has only had me and his ex wife as sexual partners and its overly confident in the bedroom as it is.
I 1000% know that this is untrue and i trust my husband. The fact she has claimed this now and is now going to the police shows (to me) that its been done out of venom.
But this is a serious accusation, one of which we can not ignore. This is a life changing accusation which the repecusions could be so so damaging, whatever the outcome.
My dad suggested us going to the police and speaking to them, im not sure if this is good advice or not..
Can i have your thoughts please as im very worried.

Thank you x

I have also been forced upon and nearly sexually assulted when i was 9 years old. So do not tell me i am not educated!!!

But you’re not! Simple as.

If you think a woman couldn’t possibly be a victim because she chats to her rapist then you haven’t a clue.

Ok...

I 1000% know that this is untrue

No you don't.

Ivana is right. For many years I kept up a pretence of civility towards my abuser in social settings. Abuse comes in many forms.

It’s not hilarious, it’s true. Rape within relationships is extremely complex, and victims don’t usually completely cut that person off, especially if they have a child together and are / were married. I still visited my father for years after he started sexually abusing me, and I would not agree to a police investigation even years later. It’s complicated.

I’m not saying your DH did rape her - it may be malicious and an empty threat made in anger. But you cannot know for certain that it didn’t happen. I was raped in my early 20s by a man who’s now happily married with children, no sign of him being abusive to her - and I’ve spoken to them both in the street / at parties, I’m sure I seemed perfectly normal but I was a wreck afterwards.

@sandi2019

I really haven't

Im sorry that happened to you, sounds awful and you are incredibly brave.

I am not disagreeing with what ivana has said. I understand its complicated, it isnt black and white. I cant fully ever understand, ive never been in that situation.
But what i am saying is that none of you know this woman amd none of you know my husband.
I never once asked for opinions on whether what she said had truth in it. Thats not why i needed advice.
And until proven guilty, surely he is innocent?
The fact this woman has told me she is going to the police, drunk, angry and on the back end of an incident, doesnt make it very believable.
Im not good with words... but i know what i mean in my head.

What if a woman came to you and said your husband raped her? In which ever senario, rape is rape... would you support him because you know him? Or would you turn on him because someone has accused him of rape?

I dont want this to turn into anything it doesnt need to be. I believe my husband and im not sorry for that.
But you tell me... what am i supposed to do in all this, because i know i havent done anything wrong, i just want to be happy and live a simple life.

If his ex reports it then it will have to be investigated. Contacting the police in the meantime isn’t going to make any difference.

You have no idea what went on in their relationship. As Ivana says, just because he hasn’t raped or abused you doesn’t mean he didn’t rape and abuse her. Not every rapist is a serial rapist.

As for her talking to your husband, they have children together. What do you expect? For her to go into hiding?

You say that there was abuse from both sides and that your husband ‘mellowed’ while she didn’t. If her accusation is true, and if he was abusive, I’m not surprised she didn’t ‘mellow’. I bet she was very angry.

But you tell me... what am i supposed to do in all this

Keep your eyes and mind open. Plus, it’s his problem to solve, not yours.

Nobody is telling you you have to believe her.

But your language around rape is disgusting and offensive and not ok, regardless of your circumstances.

And you’ve already been told there’s nothing to do unless and until she makes a complaint.

In your OP you say this

My son loves her, and although we know she bad mouths us behind our backs, we are (were) pleasant to one another.

You also say she's been to your house for drinks. Then you say she stuck a fork in your husband's back and threatened to electrocute him and that you've had to repay debts incurred by her.

I am really struggling to understand why you or your son have a relationship with this woman. She's your husband's ex wife. Why do you or your son need to have anything to do with her?

what about innocent until priven guilty.

Most rapists aren’t ever convicted.

You say yourself that your H was abusive to her, it’s no stretch of the imagination that it may have extended into their sexual relationship too.

Many women stay in a relationship with their abuser so the fact they still talk is irrelevant.

You really need to educate yourself on rape and rape myths. Try starting with the mumsnet ‘we believe you’ campaign.

Actually i disagree that there is nothing to act on. This is a serious accusation within the family that can shatter relationships, you need to tread very carefully.

It sounds to me like if you dont tackle this head on then she could hold it over you as a threat in the future. You don't want this hanging over your heads waiting for a knock at the door.

Spend a bit of money getting at least an hour of legal advice so you have an understanding of how you can proceed if you need to. Forewarned is fore armed.

Also get the child contact sorted so you minimise contact with her. Personally I would set up one channel of communication with her and block all the rest. Keep all communication recorded and make sure you both only reply with neutral statements.

One of the PPs makes a very good point. She threatened to electrocute him and stabbed him with a fork and yet he still speaks to her, has her round to the house for drinks etc. Abusive relationships are often dysfunctional, that doesn’t mean the abuse didn’t happen.

And until proven guilty, surely he is innocent?

I really feel for your situation, and of course no one is saying she’s telling the truth - I don’t know her or him, as you say, and even if I did, I still wouldn’t know for sure. But innocent until proven guilty is a legal term for an investigation or a court room - it has no bearing on whether a crime actually happened. Almost all reported rapes aren’t prosecuted at all, and only a tiny percentage end in a guilty conviction, that doesn’t mean the majority of victims are lying.

As someone else said, you don’t need to do anything - you don’t need to believe he’s a rapist. However, I would be vigilant and I also wouldn’t 100% believe he isn’t. If someone came forward to say my DH raped them I wouldn’t 100% think they were lying because from experience I know that no one else outside of the situation ever knows.

I know it’s expensive but I would definitely get legal advice somehow, but if she was drunk, angry and malicious I suspect she won’t go through with it - lying about sexual assault is a very difficult thing to do convincingly, and she’s risking being charged herself if she does.

Why do they need to have any contact if their son is 26? He needs to block her number as do you and disengage. There is absolutely no reason any of you really need to be communicating about adult children.

That said, my MIL’s partner sexually abused a child. But he is a kindly old man “who can’t even keep it up” to have sex with her (yes, her words). You never know what people are capable of, no matter how harmless they seem. The semen evidence sent him to prison and she still doesn’t believe it. Anything is possible especially in an abusive relationship.

But no I would ignore it, block and disengage.

I would absolutely not go to the police at this stage.

Saying they are going to the police in anger and actually doing it are 2 very different things. Lots of things are said in anger that are never carried through.

If she did, proving rape is hard at the best of times. Proving rape within a relationship is even harder. Add the time factor in and it is near enough impossible.

I can't find any statistics for the UK but in Northern Ireland there have been 4 cases of men being convicted of rape within marriage since 1991.

I hope you are right in your belief but regardless the chance of prosecution much less conviction is negligible.

Rape does not necessarily involve any violence or force - just the lack of actual consent so it is more than possible that consent was considered implicit on occasion.

If my husband raped her, why would she come and have a drink with us at christmas, in our house....She stops and chats to my husband if they see each other...

If she stabbed your husband with a fork and threatened to throw something at him when he was in the bath then why does he stop to chat to her and have her round at Christmas...

Abuse was probably from both over the years, but the last 10 years, husband mellowed

I mean wow....but also if there shared children are 26 then er why do you have contact.
Seek advice from a solicitor
My first thought was ;
How can you be with someone you know was abusive.
Secondly how at you sure she er wasn’t raped........sorry but if you admit he was abusive then it’s not that much of a hop skip and jump.....
Seek advice from a solicitor and distance your self from this woman.

Seems to me like this is a conflict between your husband and his ex. I would stay out of it and if she insult you, just stop talking to her and don't invite her over anymore.

what am i supposed to do in all this

You’ve had plenty of advice but don’t seem to want any of it.

The rape allegations are really serious - so is sticking a fork in someone's back which is effectively Attempted Murder.

Both sound like crimes deserving of equal punishment in the law.

The you having an argument with your step son over a debt you paid as well doesn’t make you come out gleaming either. Actually makes you sound a bit vicious and like a drama lama Pay the money for a solicitor , savings for a house is a luxury. Making sure your husband isn’t put in prison and on a sex offenders register is probably key hear .

He isn't going to admit the truth to you if he did rape her, is he?

It is entirely possible that it happened. Most rapists aren't prosecuted for lack of evidence. That doesn't mean the accusations were false.