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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed *trigger warning* Rape accusation

81 replies

Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 08:07

Hi all.

Long story short.

Husband was in a long, abusive marriage for a long time. 3 children.
Abuse was probably from both over the years, but the last 10 years, husband mellowed, ex wife didnt and became very abusive, mentally and physically towards my husband..
The split 11 years ago.
Me and Husband have a 4 yr old boy together.
Although the relationship between us and the exwife has been volitile over the years, lots of crossed words etc, things sincr my son came along have been amicible. My son loves her, and although we know she bad mouths us behind our backs, we are (were) pleasant to one another.
Husbands youngest son with his ex, we have a very good relationship with and he is very very close to my son, my son adores him.
But...
An arguement happened last night, and it escalated very very quickly. His son left and 10 mins later, we get a call from the ex wife (we were expecting it) and she was angry.
She got very nasty to me, calling me names and telling to go to her house and she will 'have me'
Obviously, i didnt.
But she threw a massive accuastion and we are not sure how to deal with it.
She said that she was going to the police today to report my husband for raping her when they were married. I almost laughed. If anyone knows my husband, will know he wouldnt have it in him! He has only had me and his ex wife as sexual partners and its overly confident in the bedroom as it is.
I 1000% know that this is untrue and i trust my husband. The fact she has claimed this now and is now going to the police shows (to me) that its been done out of venom.
But this is a serious accusation, one of which we can not ignore. This is a life changing accusation which the repecusions could be so so damaging, whatever the outcome.
My dad suggested us going to the police and speaking to them, im not sure if this is good advice or not..
Can i have your thoughts please as im very worried.

Thank you x

OP posts:
BorsetshireBlew · 07/04/2019 10:46

It is NOT a crime
Stating that she will report him to the police is NOT a crime
Pursuing a false investigation into rape by giving a false statement is a crime. That's not what this is.
Harassing someone by making threats that may include false allegations is a crime, but that has to be a pattern of behaviour. That's not what this is.

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 10:53

@BorsetshireBlew

Did you miss the part in the OPs post that said:

"She said that she was going to the police today to report my husband for raping her"

Which OPs husband claims to be malicious.

If this woman makes a false allegation against the OPs husband........it is a crime.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/false-allegations-rape-andor-domestic-abuse-see-guidance-charging-perverting-course

Magenta82 · 07/04/2019 11:00

There is no such thing as a mutually abusive relationship. There can be a mutually toxic relationship where both parties behave badly to each other, but for there to be abuse there needs to be a power imbalance.

What usually happens is one partner defends themself, or finally snaps after constant abuse and then the blame is shifted to them as another form of abuse.

www.loveisrespect.org/content/myth-of-mutual-abuse/
www.domesticshelters.org/articles/domestic-violence/is-mutual-abuse-real

MorrisZapp · 07/04/2019 11:08

If women with bruises and text message evidence can't get their rapists convicted then the chances of proving historical rape within a marriage are virtually nil.

Juries need to be shown evidence and won't convict unless they believe in guilt beyond reasonable doubt.

And the CPS (Procurator Fiscal in Scotland) won't recommend pursuing cases with such tiny chance of conviction.

BorsetshireBlew · 07/04/2019 11:16

I didn't miss anything
At this point there is NO evidence that this is a false allegation. This is NOT a crime. You're being ridiculous.

Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 11:17

Hmmm, seems split opinion on what actions to take.
We cant afford a solicitor :-(
I will have a think on it but im so vrry conscious of what this could do to my family, my son.
Im not here to justify why im in in a relationship with someone who is abusive, but what i will say its this..

  1. people change
  2. people make mistakes
  3. sometimes people are pushed to the limit.. his wife was awful to him.
  4. he has never laid a hand on me, never
  5. he is a fantastic father

He did not do this so please stop questioning my judgement on this. I know my husband.

Not that its relevant, but the arguement was about a debt that me and my husband paid that was incurred when he was married to ex. Me and husband had to pay the debt and i made a comment weeks ago that it should have been her paying half of it, not me as she spent the debt that was incurred. Me and son had a slight disagreement about it a few weeks ago which ended amicably.. but he bought it back up last night, he made me cry and my husband asked him to leave.

Would CAB be any help do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 11:18

*someone who WAS abusive i mean

OP posts:
Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 11:19

This is also the kind of woman that stuck a fork in my husbands back and threatened to throw a hoover into the bath whilst he was in it.
This woman is vile

OP posts:
Pengrin · 07/04/2019 11:20

Could the CAB help with what?

The rape accusation or the debt issue?

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 11:22

@BorsetshireBlew

.....I think you've got yourself a bit confused :-/

OP....I think you should take the advice of @TomTon and consult a criminal solicitor (there are loads........I've just been reading up on it.......a few said DON'T contact the police if you are falsely accused...contact a lawyer instead)

Aridane · 07/04/2019 11:22

I would repost in Legal

Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 11:25

The rape thing

Aridane - i should have 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Starlive23 · 07/04/2019 11:26

Speak to a solicitor OP, get advice as to what steps to follow and if needed, get some sort of short term injunction in place. You know your husband, if you know this is being done through sheer venom then treat this seriously. Contact police and get relevant legal advice before it escalates and/or she tries to pull any of this again in the future. Good luck OP. What a horrible situation.

notapizzaeater · 07/04/2019 11:26

Is she likely to do it in the cold light if day ? Sounds like a temper tantrum

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 11:26

He did not do this so please stop questioning my judgement on this. I know my husband.

But you don’t know for sure. That’s the point.

You say he’s never laid a hand on you, presumably he has been violent to her then.

So by the same token: he never raped you but that doesn’t mean he didn’t rape her.

And your reasoning is all a bit weird, too. She might have been as terrible as you say but horrible women get raped, too. Confused

Anyway, why are you discussing personal debt issues with this woman’s son, and then arguing about it?? You all sound dysfunctional, tbh. I hope your son wasn’t around for any of these arguments.

Pengrin · 07/04/2019 11:29

I don’t think there’s a need for a solicitor at this point.

She may not have even contacted the police.

If she has and they choose to investigate, your husband will be interviewed and will have access to a solicitor via a police station representative.

What happens after that will dictate whether he will need a solicitor or not.

Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 11:29

Thats starlive

If was said in venom, purely down to the timing of it.
If my husband raped her, why would she come and have a drink with us at christmas, in our house....
She stops and chats to my husband if they see each other...
We have savings, but its to buy a house... is there any solicotors that offer free advice? (Maybe a stupid question but ive never been in this situ before)

OP posts:
Starlive23 · 07/04/2019 11:29

Sorry, I saw you said that you can't afford a solicitor but just give them a call, some will do a low/fixed fee meeting as a one off, just so you have all the facts as to where you stand.

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 11:31

There’s nothing to ask advice on!

Write down what happened, how the argument went. If it was said in spite (which is highly likely) then you can speak to a solicitor and take appropriate steps.

Until she makes a report there’s not much you can do.

But you need to educate yourself about rape and its victims, OP, because your attitude toward it stinks. Yes, some women speak to their rapists and even have drinks with them. It doesn’t mean they’re lying. 🙄🙄🙄

Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 11:33

Ivana -you are hardly helping..

OP posts:
Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 11:33

Ivana - your hilarious

OP posts:
Pengrin · 07/04/2019 11:34

She’s right about there being no point in contacting a solicitor at this point though.

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 11:35

Am I? Confused

Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 11:35

My mum was a rape victim, gang rape victim. Im educated enough thank you

OP posts:
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