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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed *trigger warning* Rape accusation

81 replies

Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 08:07

Hi all.

Long story short.

Husband was in a long, abusive marriage for a long time. 3 children.
Abuse was probably from both over the years, but the last 10 years, husband mellowed, ex wife didnt and became very abusive, mentally and physically towards my husband..
The split 11 years ago.
Me and Husband have a 4 yr old boy together.
Although the relationship between us and the exwife has been volitile over the years, lots of crossed words etc, things sincr my son came along have been amicible. My son loves her, and although we know she bad mouths us behind our backs, we are (were) pleasant to one another.
Husbands youngest son with his ex, we have a very good relationship with and he is very very close to my son, my son adores him.
But...
An arguement happened last night, and it escalated very very quickly. His son left and 10 mins later, we get a call from the ex wife (we were expecting it) and she was angry.
She got very nasty to me, calling me names and telling to go to her house and she will 'have me'
Obviously, i didnt.
But she threw a massive accuastion and we are not sure how to deal with it.
She said that she was going to the police today to report my husband for raping her when they were married. I almost laughed. If anyone knows my husband, will know he wouldnt have it in him! He has only had me and his ex wife as sexual partners and its overly confident in the bedroom as it is.
I 1000% know that this is untrue and i trust my husband. The fact she has claimed this now and is now going to the police shows (to me) that its been done out of venom.
But this is a serious accusation, one of which we can not ignore. This is a life changing accusation which the repecusions could be so so damaging, whatever the outcome.
My dad suggested us going to the police and speaking to them, im not sure if this is good advice or not..
Can i have your thoughts please as im very worried.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 08:45

Anyone?

OP posts:
KingLooieCatz · 07/04/2019 08:53

Sorry, I have no relevant experience or knowledge, but didn't want to leave you hanging.

My thought when reading was that it might be a good idea to contact the police yourselves. It might not make much real difference but it might relieve your anxieties a little e.g. to provide contact details and assure police you (DP really) will cooperate with enquiries, provide a statement etc. You might not spend days wondering if uniform police are going to turn up on your doorstep at the worst moment.

Magissa · 07/04/2019 08:57

Reading you thread and just trying to understand. Do you mean your ds who is 4 had an argument with dss and this accusation from ex wife is the result?

Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 09:04

Sorry for not being clear.

My husband had an arguement with his other son, who is 26. His ex wife got involved (his sons mother) and is now making these accusations

OP posts:
sar302 · 07/04/2019 09:27

But you said that you think he probably abused his wife during their relationship? So how do you know part of that abuse wasn't a sexual assault? I don't believe my husband would ever rape anyone - but he's also never been abusive before.

I know that the timing seems off. But how would you actually know for sure?

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 09:33

I agree with the PP.

You know he was an abusive man.....how do you know that he didn't do it?

Timing is a bit suspicious, mind...

I wouldn't involve myself with a man who I knew to have an abusive past.......

Sorry OP - this isn't about me...I'm not sure what to do. If she has made it up....what a bitch.

LemonTT · 07/04/2019 09:49

The OP said her husband was in an abusive relationship not that he was the abuser.

OP, can you provide some more information. What happened between your husband and your stepson which seems to be the cause of the ex wife’s anger.

If you want to do something, then speak to a solicitor who will advise you. Not a good idea to be talking to other people.

BlueHairDoCare · 07/04/2019 09:53

No she said abuse was on both sides.

So he was abusive.

It may just have been the last straw.

I faced my abuser after a big argument.

It wasn't revenge or timed. It was just a massive outburst of emotions that brought those memories and feelings to the surface.

You can never 100% trust anyone and know what they are capable of...

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 09:57

@LemonTT

Abuse was probably from both over the years, but the last 10 years, husband mellowed

Dieu · 07/04/2019 09:58

I would go no contact with the woman. I see no reason to be in touch anyway. She is feeding off the reaction you're giving, and the attention she's getting as a result. If unfounded, this behaviour is truly despicable.

Original poster
Topbanana15 · 07/04/2019 10:11

I knew this would happen.

Im not seeking advice on whether my husband is innocent.

  1. i know he is And 2) what about innocent until priven guilty.

My husband would never do this so lets drop that now.

I need to know how to move forward with this. Do we go to police?

OP posts:
BorsetshireBlew · 07/04/2019 10:15

What are you thinking you could report to the police?
You need to wait and see if she reports it, and if she does, whether the police take any action. There isn't anything else you can do.

TacoLover · 07/04/2019 10:19

I'm still baffled as to why you would marry and have a child with someone you know was abusive in a previous marriageHmm

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 10:21

Or....OP and her husband inform the police that there has been what they deem to be a false allegation made against him...?

I really think OPs husband could do with obtaining some advice from someone in the know.........because now I'm thinking if they did report the allegation to the police it may open a huge can of worms.....the other party might be thinking today...after shes calmed down....that she only said that in anger and is very sorry for all they know.

It is life changing stuff...allegations like these. Unless there is someone on MN who can advise on defamation...allegations?!

Tomtontom · 07/04/2019 10:21

If she makes a complaint the police will contact your husband. There's no value to contacting them now, it will not change what happens if she does contact them.

You're (understandably) too close to the situation to make a rational judgment on whether he could have done it or not. Only two people know that, and as is usually the case in these situations, both will tell very different stories.

BorsetshireBlew · 07/04/2019 10:24

OP and her husband inform the police that there has been what they deem to be a false allegation made against him...?

To what end? That's not a crime, there is nothing for the police to do. If she does report it then the OP doing this will make no difference to any investigation.

Tomtontom · 07/04/2019 10:24

If the OP's husband wants advice about a potential rape allegation against him he would need to contact a criminal law solicitor, not the police.

Defamation is a civil law issue. He'd need to see a specialist solicitor for that, and have very very deep pockets.

Bambamrubblesmum · 07/04/2019 10:26

Go to the Police and report the threat. Start looking into a non-molestation order against the ex wife for abusive and harassing communication.

Go to a solicitor and get a child access agreement in place with the court so that you can arrange access pick up and drop offs via a contact centre or neutral 3rd party.

Keep a record of all communication and make sure you show it to the Police.

Bambamrubblesmum · 07/04/2019 10:28

Using an accusation as a threat is harassing behaviour so it is worth discussing with the Police

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 10:31

@BorsetshireBlew it is a crime.

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 10:34

Sounds like a sensible plan @Tomton

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 07/04/2019 10:39

I know someone who was accused of rape. In the end the charges were dropped and I don’t think he did do it, but it had a massive impact on his life. Perhaps if you normally have a decent relationship with your step children you could talk to them about impressing on their mum what a mess this could make for their little brother.

nrpmum · 07/04/2019 10:42

Women have been imprisoned for making false allegations of rape (unsure if any men have), so it is very much a crime.

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 10:43

Perhaps if you normally have a decent relationship with your step children you could talk to them about impressing on their mum what a mess this could make for their little brother

........that just feels wrong....imagine if the allegation is true.....and then the woman's kids come home and say...."are you going to accuse our Dad of rape? That's evil. We now hate you. I think you need to drop it"

Also....involving the kids to manipulate the mum....what if shes telling the truth?

It's like using the kids to blackmail the Mum into keeping quiet.....I.E if you tell, you will mess everything up...

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 10:43

Nobody here can you tell you what do.

You need a solicitor if she goes to the police at all.

But really you can’t tell us that he was abusive and not expect people to question if it’s true or not. Hmm