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Original poster

Do I tell a stranger their husband is on tinder?

106 replies

RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:26

As the title says really

A match accidentally (I’m assuming) uploaded a picture with a wedding band visible- then took the picture down.
When I asked about the picture he came up with a random excuse for why he’d taken it down, but eventually confessed he was married.

The usual excuses - he was bored... just looking for friends... (yeah, that’s why you were so keen for me to come over right there and then...) etc

He blocked me when I didn’t reply.
At no point did he say his wife knew- just offered a list of reasons why I should feel bad for him.

He used his real name and employer, plus told me lots about his background, so, one google and I’ve found him (and his wife)

I think I would want to know if it was me, but equally it would be the end of my relationship- that seems like a really massive thing for me to potentially cause.

Would you message her? If so how? I have screen shots of the profile and some of the conversation (including his excuses)- but sending this in a random message on Instagram just feels wrong. Plus part of me is pissed off he thinks it’s ok to waste single women’s time- that’s not a good enough reason for me to dump this on his possibly blissfully ignorant wife.

He deserves to be outed - but all feels a bit drama-y. Maybe I should just message him and hope it scares him enough to grow up?

Eurgh! Some men suck!!!

OP posts:
Flockingflamingo · 05/04/2019 19:29

No.

PinkHeart5914 · 05/04/2019 19:30

Ummm no, just get on with your life.......

Original poster
RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:30

Ha! (Straight to the point Smile)Thanks flockingflamingo

OP posts:
Original poster
RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:31

Rude pinkheart, but thanks for your opinion

OP posts:
stacktherocks · 05/04/2019 19:33

Urgh. Yes. Absolutely.

She might not believe you or care and that’s fine. But this guy is putting her sexual health at risk, let alone the betrayal aspect.

Think of your own safety though OP. Could he find you?

If I saw someone sharing needles with someone down an alleyway and knew they were having unprotected sex with their wife i’d do the same. I just would. You don’t fuck with peoples health.

Offside · 05/04/2019 19:34

Erm I’d want to know if I was the wife.

One of my friends recently found her husband on Tinder and contacted all of the women he had been in touch with - needless to say they were all horrified and a few had their suspicions but no concrete proof. I think she would’ve liked to have been given the heads up if there was a way for it to be done.

Aimily · 05/04/2019 19:36

No, I understand your arguement that you'd want to know, personally I would too. But you don't know their relationship, it could be something she is fully aware of and totally fine with. I'd find a stranger telling me completely humiliating especially if it was something I was ok with.

Hope that helps?

Original poster
RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:37

He was very eager to meet, so it’s likely he’s looking/ getting sex- the sexual health aspect makes it even worse.
I’m super easy to find (name and job combo) so yes he could. But hadn’t really considered he might do anything.
Food for thought I guess, thanks stacktherocks

OP posts:
ChocAuVin · 05/04/2019 19:38

No.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 05/04/2019 19:38

Yes, definitely.

howmanyleftfeet · 05/04/2019 19:39

Yes. I don't understand why people say no to this kind of question.

It's her life, she only gets one. She deserves to know the truth.

stacktherocks · 05/04/2019 19:41

A friend of a friend found my ex on tinder, told our mutual friend, who told me. She rang me and told me over the phone. It took the wind out of my sails and I didn’t believe it immediately. When it sank in I was devastated.

But you know what devastated me more? The knowledge that he’d been on there while he was with me. Telling me he loved me and making love to me. That was the worst thing of all, and someone telling me enabled me to end that horrible betrayal and keep my dignity and protect myself.

I’m so so thankful to that woman for helping me learn the truth about the cheat I was with.

Original poster
RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:42

Thanks offside- as he’s taken the picture down there is nothing tipping anyone else off about him, which is really frustrating.

Thanks Aimily - I completely agree with the feeling humiliated aspect. I would probably feel the same after the initial shock/anger.
(I think he would’ve said in his list of excuses that she she knew, rather than ‘it’s not really cheating/I’m looking for friends spiel)

Need a ‘cheating spouses of tinder’ web page I could post it on- then she could look if she ever wanted to

OP posts:
Original poster
RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:47

Thanks chocauvin and stackthebridget

Wow stacktherocks- I’m sorry you had that experience, it’s always the lies that make things worse. Hearing that you appreciate being told helps

OP posts:
Original poster
RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:48

Thanks how manyleftfeet.

OP posts:
SisterhoodOfKahn · 05/04/2019 19:56

No, keep out of it. Different if it's a friend but a random stranger? No ... leave well alone.

ScreamingLadySutch · 05/04/2019 19:59

Betrayed wife here

I was desperate to know. Why? Because their energy goes elsewhere. You know it instantly - but you don't know why.

You try and find a reason: midlife crisis, depression, breakdown, low testosterone. They do nothing to dissuade you

Here lies madness.

Seriously OP, its torture and it is mental abuse. When I found out the REAL reason after YEARS behind his distant unloving behaviour, I was delirious with relief - it meant I wasn't mad and it wasn't my fault. Somebody could have put me out of my misery and put me in touch with reality if they had picked up the phone or sent an anonymous message.

Therefore: YES. Tell.

googleismyfriend · 05/04/2019 20:00

Yes, you should tell her. You have the proof to back it up. You would want to know if it was you.

If she ignores your message, that's on her but you would have done the right thing in my opinion.

Rtmhwales · 05/04/2019 20:01

I'd want to know.

You read so many posts on here of women who find out their husbands have cheated and other people knew and didn't tell her.

You don't know him or her or their situation but I'd drop her a line, the proof, and let her choose whether to be oblivious and believe his crap or not.

BedraggledBlitz · 05/04/2019 20:03

Yes. My ex cheated and all his work colleagues knew. Not one got in touch, I even found messages where women at work had commented to him on how gorgeous his gf was. They all knew I was at home with our baby. I wish one of them had thought to let me know.

ScreamingLadySutch · 05/04/2019 20:05

I don't think women are aware of how misogynistic a lot of men are. They are completely happy with divide and rule. They laugh together about what they do. A lot of his schoolfriends instantly blocked me on FB because, well, that snatch past its sell by date, next. After 20 years!

We should stick together IMO. After my experience I would always tell.

Crazyhairymary · 05/04/2019 20:10

No

keepingbees · 05/04/2019 20:11

I would want to know if it was my DH. But be aware not all women do. I lost a good friend trying to do the right thing and she chose her cheating fiancé over our friendship.

However they are strangers and you don't owe any loyalty, so put yourself first on this one. Could he potentially find you if he's angry? Do you want to get involved with potential repercussions for a stranger?

Bess66 · 05/04/2019 20:16

She deserves to know. Wouldn't you if it were the other way around?

MsDogLady · 05/04/2019 20:20

Yes, she needs to know the truth. He is jeopardizing her health and making a fool of her.

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