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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell a stranger their husband is on tinder?

106 replies

RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:26

As the title says really

A match accidentally (I’m assuming) uploaded a picture with a wedding band visible- then took the picture down.
When I asked about the picture he came up with a random excuse for why he’d taken it down, but eventually confessed he was married.

The usual excuses - he was bored... just looking for friends... (yeah, that’s why you were so keen for me to come over right there and then...) etc

He blocked me when I didn’t reply.
At no point did he say his wife knew- just offered a list of reasons why I should feel bad for him.

He used his real name and employer, plus told me lots about his background, so, one google and I’ve found him (and his wife)

I think I would want to know if it was me, but equally it would be the end of my relationship- that seems like a really massive thing for me to potentially cause.

Would you message her? If so how? I have screen shots of the profile and some of the conversation (including his excuses)- but sending this in a random message on Instagram just feels wrong. Plus part of me is pissed off he thinks it’s ok to waste single women’s time- that’s not a good enough reason for me to dump this on his possibly blissfully ignorant wife.

He deserves to be outed - but all feels a bit drama-y. Maybe I should just message him and hope it scares him enough to grow up?

Eurgh! Some men suck!!!

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 06/04/2019 08:36

This is the thing that isn't really talked about: the wife knows instantly. It makes sense, because you have lived with them for so long and so intimately, that instantly the change in behaviour is noticed.

But you don't know WHY. It was the first thing I asked him when he came back from a trip and was distant (we normally fell on eachother, so the "not getting enough at home" excuse is BS): 'are you having an affair?"

NO! He said. But I have had enough of you as a wife because .... - and there was enough truth in what he said about my faults that I swallowed it hook line and sinker and spent the next couple of years trying my hardest to become a better wife and better human being. Whilst he took up all the attention giving disdain back, and 'hey, you missed a spot'.

That mental cruelty (gaslighting) is the most devastating thing about cheating. When the discard got too much and I gave up he would do a random act of kindness like take me out to dinner, to give me hope again. He also told me of his depression and 'I think I am having a breakdown'. True, but mental health has nothing to do with using people.

That is why I say 'tell'. I did not deserve my manipulation. I am a flawed but inherently decent person. He wanted the services of marriage (administration, property management, child care and housekeeping) AND his side dish. When he got busted he did not want to lose his marriage.

It still makes me sad to think that this compartmentalisation and secrecy is normal for so many people and they are happy to lie and manipulate women - wife and OWs - in order to get their feel-goods.

AlaskaSometimes · 06/04/2019 09:41

I would want to know.

Original poster
RelapsedChocoholic · 06/04/2019 10:21

Thank you everyone for their inputs :)

I have messaged her with some screengrabs, we aren’t connected so she might not see it (spam folder?) but hopefully she does and is ok. I’m not going to do anything more.

OP posts:
Thatsalovelycuppatea · 06/04/2019 11:40

I'd want to know my dh was being a dick.

Mrsmummy90 · 06/04/2019 11:57

Well done! That was really brave of you xx

GregoryPeckingDuck · 06/04/2019 12:05

You’ve done the right thing. He might give her an STD or get someone pregnant impacting their financial position. She has every right to know.

nespressowoo · 06/04/2019 12:09

Well done, OP. Totally the right thing to do and if I were her I would really appreciated it.

formerbabe · 06/04/2019 12:10

Personally, I think it was a really stupid thing to do.

stacktherocks · 06/04/2019 12:17

Well done OP. That was a very kind thing to do.

howmanyleftfeet · 06/04/2019 12:38

Well done, you've done the right thing.

dontgobaconmyheart · 06/04/2019 13:28

Yes I'd screenshot and send, yes I'd 100% want to know. No brainer for me- he's ruined their relationship and tried to endanger her health with sex elsewhere, not telling doesnt mean that hasn't happened or his wife is better off Confused. She's worse off and if she's fine with that she can decide to stay. As others have said, you really do only get one life, knowing the facts so you can decide if you're wasting it with someone who clearly isn't for you is not news I'd want as such, but it is news I would value and I am certain- appreciate in the end.

Azuresea · 06/04/2019 15:34

Before the same thing happened to me I'd have said no.
But DEFINITELY TELL HER. Let's stand up and support our fellow women!!

So a fwb messages me every six months asking to meet up etc and basically sleep together. It's more about ego thing because for the last six years I've told him to get lost
At Christmas he did it again and explicitly said he wanted a date and a s##g.... Classy.
I did a quick Facebook stalk found out he had just had a beautiful little girl with his lovely partner of 5 years (messaging me throughout their relationship)
I was sooooo angry. I wasn't going to tell her but thought if it was me I'd want to know.
I sent her a very supportive, kind message together with all the screen shots. She was devastated but extremely grateful. She wanted to know everything so I tried to be as honest as possible.

My advice would be to supportive of his wife and be prepared to talk through the whole thing with her.
Take screen shots and give facts and evidence.

This girl already had her suspiciouns and thanked me profusely even though I felt horrendous for telling her.

The fwb guy started sending me abuse in I'd ruined everything for him so I sent her these screen shots as well.

keepingbees · 07/04/2019 21:57

Have you had a response yet?

toddle · 07/04/2019 22:07

I think you made the right choice. What she chooses to do with the information is up to her.

Samind · 07/04/2019 22:09

You made the right decision op.

MamaBear8686 · 07/04/2019 22:13

I see your point and I would want to know too but these are strangers, you know nothing about them and you could be opening a huge can of worms for yourself. A potentially dangerous can of worms.

It's annoying but forget about it and hope karma catches up with the dickhead

SausageSimon · 07/04/2019 22:14

I think you made the right decision, I would want to know

MrsChanandlerBongg · 07/04/2019 22:34

I think you made the right decision. I'd want to know for definite and most of these situations don't come as a shock as they already had an inkling (most)...

My ex worked with a woman that had two kids and a wife. They grew feelings for each other and my ex of 5 yrs had come clean on my birthday (right before Christmas too). I was so angry and upset. I messaged the woman's wife telling her everything as I thought she'd ought to know (this wasn't just a bit of fun, they'd really fallen for each other). She didn't believe me, gave me loads of abuse and blocked me. Ex and I split up. 6 months later, ex and lover are together and lovers ex wife was battling for money she put into their house (all over Facebook, pathetic really).

timefora · 08/04/2019 16:58

Did you get a reply?

Happyspud · 08/04/2019 17:01

Yes do it. I don’t know why people always shy away from calling bad people out on their actual actions! There should be consequences and not telling the wife is not erasing what he did, it’s just joining the asshole in hiding it from her.

Happyspud · 08/04/2019 17:02

Saw you did it. Well done.

FlopsyMopsyRabbit · 08/04/2019 17:03

@RelapsedChocoholic I think you did the right thing

Baxdream · 08/04/2019 20:50

I absolutely think you did the right thing

Scarlettmaid · 08/04/2019 21:26

Meh. I suspect you only told her to get back at him. You are telling yourself it's for the wife's own good. And you ask the opinion of strangers on a forum where many women have been cheated on, just to make sure you will get a pat on the back from all of them. It's done now. And maybe she will be grateful after all. But he honest about your intentions. Why would you care so much about a stranger?

TheGruffalosLoveChild · 08/04/2019 21:43

Why would you not care about a stranger?

Definitely did the right thing. As someone said before, she only gets one shot at life. She deserves to know what’s going on so that she can make an informed decision about what she wants for her future. I hope you’re ok OP as that can’t have been a nice message to send Flowers.