Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Do I tell a stranger their husband is on tinder?

106 replies

RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 19:26

As the title says really

A match accidentally (I’m assuming) uploaded a picture with a wedding band visible- then took the picture down.
When I asked about the picture he came up with a random excuse for why he’d taken it down, but eventually confessed he was married.

The usual excuses - he was bored... just looking for friends... (yeah, that’s why you were so keen for me to come over right there and then...) etc

He blocked me when I didn’t reply.
At no point did he say his wife knew- just offered a list of reasons why I should feel bad for him.

He used his real name and employer, plus told me lots about his background, so, one google and I’ve found him (and his wife)

I think I would want to know if it was me, but equally it would be the end of my relationship- that seems like a really massive thing for me to potentially cause.

Would you message her? If so how? I have screen shots of the profile and some of the conversation (including his excuses)- but sending this in a random message on Instagram just feels wrong. Plus part of me is pissed off he thinks it’s ok to waste single women’s time- that’s not a good enough reason for me to dump this on his possibly blissfully ignorant wife.

He deserves to be outed - but all feels a bit drama-y. Maybe I should just message him and hope it scares him enough to grow up?

Eurgh! Some men suck!!!

OP posts:

BasilBrushes · 05/04/2019 20:22

I would yes, why wouldn’t you? You don’t owe him anything, and if it were me I would want to know. It’s then up to her what she chooses to do with the information.

Original poster

RelapsedChocoholic · 05/04/2019 20:24

Thanks sisterhoodofkhan- that’s kind of what’s making me hesitate. If I knew her I would definitely tell her, as I’d know if it was going to be out of the blue or expected.

Screamingladysutch, that’s awful. I have been kind of working on the assumption she’s blissfully unaware and I’d be dropping this totally unexpected bombshell- but actually, she could already suspect something is off.

Rtmhwales- thats a good point. She can ignore me/ write me off as a crazy if she wants to.

Bedraggledblitz, that’s awful to not only ignore but actively support!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! It’s been helpful
(Argh, if only her husband had thought about his wife’s feelings as much!!!)

OP posts:

katy78 · 05/04/2019 20:27

Please tell her. He could be having sex with god knows how many other women and potentially putting her health at risk of STIs.

NeverHadANickname · 05/04/2019 20:29

I would definitely tell her, I'd want to know.

PinkCrayon · 05/04/2019 20:29

I would want to know.

Musti · 05/04/2019 20:29

She deserves to know. I'd want to know.

Februaryblooms · 05/04/2019 20:30

Pre-Dp I was getting to know what I thought was a single man online who turned out to have a girlfriend.

We'd been making plans to meet and he was in constant contact daily.

I absolutely messaged the girlfriend when I discovered he was attached via Facebook. I'd have been even quicker to tell a wife.

I debated for a couple of days before sending her a message. I had screen shots ready to show if she wanted to see them, but she never got back to me, as was her prerogative.

I don't know whether she believed the message or not but my conscience was clear and i'd done my bit.

I've also been cheated on and I'm thankful somebody dropped him in it, even if their intentions were spiteful at the time.

I'd tell her. Definitely.

rachelfrost · 05/04/2019 20:32

Yes, tell her. Yes yes yes. Don’t get involved, just let her know exactly what happened and say that you don’t want to be contacted again. Ask if she can not mention how she knows.

ItsAMiracle2015 · 05/04/2019 20:34

Yes. Please tell her. So many reasons to tell her. No reasons not to.

MsDogLady · 05/04/2019 20:36

You would be helping her immensely, and she can decide what to do with the information. I would be grateful if a stranger cared this much.

Dvg · 05/04/2019 20:40

I'd want to know.

Cherylshaw · 05/04/2019 20:44

I'd want to know, you should definitely tell her!

SassyCassie · 05/04/2019 20:44

A friend of mine had a similar problem, but when she threatened to tell the wife, the husband payed her off in an extensive amount of cash. She took the money and told the wife anyway, and now everyone has moved on with their lives. Living proof that a little bit of exortion goes a long way sometimes. Do with this information what you will.

Nala8 · 05/04/2019 20:44

Another vote for definitely tell her!

What if she already has her suspicions and he's gaslighting her? Waiting to find someone better and then move on? If you tell her she has her chance to decide what happens.

Tilikum · 05/04/2019 20:45

Yes, please tell her. I would want to know.

formerbabe · 05/04/2019 20:45

No. Don't tell her.

Personally, I wouldn't give a shit whether a random woman I don't know is aware her husband is on tinder. Why would anyone?

Just forget the whole thing and get on with your life.

loubielou31 · 05/04/2019 20:48

I think you should tell her. I actually think not knowing you makes it easier for her to be in control of any decisions she makes after rather than thinking about what other people would expect.

jayho · 05/04/2019 20:54

I joined tinder a couple of years ago to try it out. TBH if I'd messaged every wife or partner of every man who appeared and who I knew or recognised as in a relationship I would have had a full time job. It is not the app for the emotionally continent. Half the reason I signed off (the other half was the degree of misrepresentation of the men I matched)

Morticiaismymumgoal · 05/04/2019 20:57

I never understand the 'don't tell' people on threads like this. Fine, don't tell them. But if you find my husband on Tinder TELL ME!! I want to know. If as a PP has said the wife knows and is fine with it then you're not upsetting the apple cart are you? If she's very much in the dark then you're doing her a favour (as long as you give the evidence).

Thatnovembernight · 05/04/2019 20:58

I would definitely tell her. My (ex) husband cheated on me. I found text messages so had ‘proof’ to confront him with which meant he couldn’t lie his way out of it. I would have been THRILLED to have been told earlier. Plus you’re obviously not a threat. And I think she deserves to know and be able to make a choice about what she does.

Morticiaismymumgoal · 05/04/2019 20:59

Former would you not be bothered if your husband/ boyfriend/ partner was on Tinder when you thought you were in an exclusive marriage/ relationship? Not at all?

user1497997754 · 05/04/2019 21:05

I would want to know......I would contact her then she is in the driving seat and can make choices....he could be having unprotected sex and giving her something nasty

formerbabe · 05/04/2019 21:15

@Morticiaismymumgoal

Former would you not be bothered if your husband/ boyfriend/ partner was on Tinder when you thought you were in an exclusive marriage/ relationship? Not at all?

Yes of course I'd be bothered. I wouldn't expect other people to especially care though.

Pinkprincess1978 · 05/04/2019 21:18

I would want to know but I'm not sure how I would feel if a complete stranger contacted out of the blue. It's probably best to keep out of it.

Morticiaismymumgoal · 05/04/2019 21:18

Former you wouldn't want someone to tell you? So you knew?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5