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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mother in law

89 replies

Daisypnl · 04/04/2019 13:24

Hi ladies, I am here for a little bit of advice. We've been married for 2 year, no children but planning to start soon.

Hubs works shifts , I work Mon-Fri so when I eventually get time with him we don't do much because he's tired unless on his 4 days off very 2 weeks.

I have a good relationship with my MIL , we had our ups and down in the past but both staying respectful towards each other, meeting up for a coffee etc. I am always trying to make her feel comfortable and included. My husband is having a close relationship with her and I am happy for them. However she used to live less than 2 miles away from us and last June she moved to town 12 miles away, and then it all started......

She's constantly messaging him to meet up for a coffee, wants to know what we doing. Sometimes she would be ringing or texting last minute to see us where I had to pretend that we were both asleep.

Guilt tripping him for not saying her often and on,on and on...I found her really controlling and manipulative although she acts and pretends to be so sweet etc. She made me feel really uncomfortable on many occasions and annoyed but I kept calm all the time in front of her but then told everything my husband and we argue. He obviously doesn't know any different and is convinced she's an angel or joking and has the best intentions, right...

100% of our arguments is because of her. Last weekend we went for 4 days break to Cornwall. Mothers Day - I sent her our pictures , exchange few messages, sent her wishes as hubs asked me from us, tried to call her 3 times - didn't pick up. Then in the evening after 9pm his phone rang - it was his Dad, he thought it was emergency so he took it. We were in bed , I was MAD. Then I can hear Mother coming on the phone - she basically used father to call him so it wouldn't look like it was her idea.

Who calls their son after 9pm knowing his on holiday with his wife ?

Needles to say we had a blazing row over it, he packed and wanted to go home. So we drove over 4h to London from Cornwall arguing for 2 hours. Holiday ruined. Next day 9am she already sent him message " Hope you are having lovely day xxx "....

Finally he understood and see where I am coming from as he came to me yesterday told me that he loves me and that we clearly arguing only over one thing and he would like us to go to therapy to get some advice how to deal with it. I will do it because I respect him. But now, how do I deal with her?!?!?!

She already showed her true colours, I asked her to meet me over the weekend , I want to talk to her and tell her politely to back off and let her son to be a husband and stop leaving in his pocket and that calls when we are away together are not ok. Sadly this need to happen.

I still want to have a good relationship with her and don't want this to put strain on us, I am suffering from anxiety and thought of speaking to her makes me sick and I already see her "innocent" face pretending she didn't have a clue etc. Absolutely over her trying to satisfy her emotional needs at the cost of my marriage.

I just can't afford to have anymore fights over her.

How do I talk to her without her turning me into an absolute monster??

Thanks xxx

OP posts:

NewIdeasToday · 04/04/2019 13:28

It’s hard to understand what the real problem is here. Why would a phone call after 9pm ruin your holiday?

cliquewhyohwhy · 04/04/2019 13:28

You don't do any talking to his mother you let your partner deal with her.

PutOnYourDamnSocks · 04/04/2019 13:32

Don’t think calling at 9pm is a problem, sorry. I can’t see why that would ruin a holiday.

Original poster

Daisypnl · 04/04/2019 13:33

...she had all day to call to talk to her son. She didn't pick up once we called during the day. We were in bed , about to have sex when she called. That's the problem and call other behaviour I mentioned.

OP posts:

Myheartbelongsto · 04/04/2019 13:35

I disagree with the advice to deal with his mother. If you have the problem then you deal with it.

I think you sound controlling to be honest.

I think a mother should be able to speak to her son whenever she wants, what was wrong with 9!

Original poster

Daisypnl · 04/04/2019 13:36

Please don't start asking me why this is a problem I only asked for her how to deal with her etc. Her behaviour has been problematic since she moved and was stressing me out ever since.

OP posts:

Elllicam · 04/04/2019 13:36

I think phoning after 9 is fine. Also texting and ringing to see if her son wants to meet for coffee is fine. I don’t think she sounds bad at all.

Greenlegobox · 04/04/2019 13:41

Nine is very early. Eleven, I can see a problem. It's just bad luck about the sex thing. Sounds like you ruined your own holiday.

QforCucumber · 04/04/2019 13:42

So she has gone from seeing him regularly and living nearby, to living further and so phoning him instead of seeing him as often?

I don't much see the issue tbh, he hadn't called her himself on Mothers day you did it all - can't you see why she would be annoyed at that?

To allow it to turn into a row and make it so it spoils your holiday is your issue not hers. For all you know she was out on mothers day.

QforCucumber · 04/04/2019 13:43

oh and of course she hopes you're having a lovely day - she's oblivious to you arguing and going home, because WHO does that?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2019 13:44

It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone like his parents, she is emotionally unhealthy with no boundaries, sees you both as children to boss about and her H is her willing enabler. I would cancel the meeting at the weekend because you will not get anywhere with her. Such people do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. The rulebook really does go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families.

Raise your far too low boundaries here a lot higher than they currently are. I would also suggest you read "Toxic inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics she is using on you both. Thankfully your H has now agreed to therapy, he really needs to find a therapist well versed in dysfunctional family structures.

Re your comment:-
"Last weekend we went for 4 days break to Cornwall. Mothers Day - I sent her our pictures , exchange few messages, sent her wishes as hubs asked me from us, tried to call her 3 times - didn't pick up".

There is quite a lot wrong here with the above. Why did your H ask you to do this and why did you agree to send her any pictures at all?. She really did not need to be contacted like this and in any case its his mother so his responsibility for calling her. You're basically making yourself more childlike and powerless in her eyes by doing this and agreeing to his requests.

Your problem apart from his parents is also your H; he has been well trained from childhood to serve his mother and father at his own expense and his inertia is simply hurting him as well as you. I would also think he is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his parents, particularly his mother.

BaronessBomburst · 04/04/2019 13:46

I can't give you any advice on how to deal with her as it's actually you that's the problem.
Texting to meet up for coffee when you've moved 12 miles away is normal.
Phoning of an evening for a chat is normal.
Starting an argument and abandoning your holiday isn't.

BaronessBomburst · 04/04/2019 13:49

Attila I don't get anything like that from the OPs posts. Often on MN yes, but not from this thread.

FookMeFookYou · 04/04/2019 13:51

OP if you were about to have sex with your DH and he decided to answer the call then the issue is with him surely? If you tell her to back off from calling her adult son at 9pm then you will look super unreasonable and it wouldn't surprise me if you get a shitty response. I think you should be able to talk to her openly (and reasonably) but if there are any boundaries or distance to be put in place then your DH should be the one to do that. Yes you are his wife but she is his mum and he should be able to prioritise the right things without too much input from you or her. Also going from 2 miles to 12 miles is nothing, it's barely any distance at all. My MIL lives over 100 miles away which is exactly how I like it

AuntieCJ · 04/04/2019 13:52

It isn't necessarily her behaviour that's problematic. Yours is, though.

KindnessCrusader · 04/04/2019 13:55

I don't really understand.

HisuiNatsutachi · 04/04/2019 13:57

I can empathise with you as I've had to deal with controlling, manipulative in-laws but the plus side is that your husband has agreed to get therapy with you. This is very positive. The thing with phoning at night whilst on holiday I can understand where you're coming from.. but if you were being intimate then your husband didn't need to answer. Perhaps both of you could leave the phones on silent in the next room next time?

CaptainJaneway12 · 04/04/2019 13:58

Why was her phoning at 9pm a problem? How was she to know you were about to have sex? Why not just leave it and call back later? She was returning your missed calls?

It sounds like you resent her having a relationship with your husband. She is his mother! How would you feel if you had a son and down the line were restricted in seeing and speaking to him.

You do sound very controlling. What is your relationship like with your parents? I only ask as I wonder if perhaps you are jealous of their closeness? She doesn't sound intense at all to me, but then I speak to my mother daily and see her 3-4 times a week (she is my best friend and we are unusually close).

How did the call ruin your holiday? Why not just say, bit busy at the moment can we call you in the morning?

You sound rather dramatic!

MsSquiz · 04/04/2019 13:58

If I was about to have sex with DH and his phone rang and he even looked at it, I'd be annoyed with DH not whoever is at the other end! They don't know what you're doing! The beauty of a phone call is that you don't have to answer it - just turn you phone onto silent when you go to bed and problem solved!

I also see nothing wrong with someone sending a text to say "I hope you are having a lovely time"

You sound like hard work. Maybe she would like to talk to or spend time with her son without you as seem quite hostile when she does contact him. Why do you "pretend you're asleep" to avoid her calls?

You sound like the problem, not her

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/04/2019 13:58

You are the issue. She gnat done anything wrong from what has been said.

So if you want the solution it's to stop creating problems and relax!

sewingismyhobby · 04/04/2019 13:59

I think you sound a bit unhinged having a blazing row on holiday and stomping off home early just because his mum phoned when you were about to have sex. You surely can't be blaming her for your OTT reaction?
9pm really isn't late, especially when you haven't got little ones to deal with.
She's his mum, of course she's going to keep in touch by phone and text.
You don't own your husband 24/7 now that you're married, so I think you need to chill and step back a bit.
I'm glad you've agreed to have counselling because hopefully, the counsellor will help you see the bigger picture here.

Fact is, she'll always be his mum and she'll always be interested in his life up until the day she dies.
Hopefully, I think you might 'get it' when you have children of your own.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 14:00

People cant tell you how to deal with her.

Because it's you

MsSquiz · 04/04/2019 14:01

Also, it is absolutely not your place to tell her to back off! If that is what your husband wants to happen, he needs to do it.

He may well be a husband but he is still her son.

I don't understand why it's not ok for her to call while you are away?

When we go on holiday I will say to DH "have you called your mum?" She's a worrier. We always send her a text when we arrive and give her a call part way through the trip. I used to do the same for my DM too.

HollowTalk · 04/04/2019 14:03

How on earth was his mum meant to know you were about to have sex? Why didn't he just switch off his phone and send a message later? You sound as though you like drama. It's not compulsory to have a bad relationship with your MIL, you know.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 04/04/2019 14:07

Unless this is a drip feed I think it is you who has the issue not your MIL

You here some truly awful stories on here of some MIL behaviour and this is not at all in the same league.

Ok so you called her 3 times on mothers day and got no answer, well she might have been out as it was errrrm mothers day! She returned the call at 9pm which is not too late by most standards (even the BBC show there prime time drama at 9pm on Sunday) she had got back and settled in for the night as she wanted to speak to her son on Mothers day! I'm sure she didn't telepathically guess you where about to have sex and intentionally interrupt.

The fact she used her husbands phone to call reveals that she probably has cottoned on to the fact that you dislike her and screen her calls.

The fact you had a blazing row and cut short your holiday because of this says more about you and your controlling ways.

She has chosen to move 12 miles away (not the actions of a interfering clingy mother) and is probably keen to ensure the distance doesn't create a rift in her relationship with you all. You might think she is pestering you but I think that she just wants to maintain a bond with you all.

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