My mother in law

[Daisypnl]

Hi ladies, I am here for a little bit of advice. We've been married for 2 year, no children but planning to start soon.

Hubs works shifts , I work Mon-Fri so when I eventually get time with him we don't do much because he's tired unless on his 4 days off very 2 weeks.

I have a good relationship with my MIL , we had our ups and down in the past but both staying respectful towards each other, meeting up for a coffee etc. I am always trying to make her feel comfortable and included. My husband is having a close relationship with her and I am happy for them. However she used to live less than 2 miles away from us and last June she moved to town 12 miles away, and then it all started......

She's constantly messaging him to meet up for a coffee, wants to know what we doing. Sometimes she would be ringing or texting last minute to see us where I had to pretend that we were both asleep.

Guilt tripping him for not saying her often and on,on and on...I found her really controlling and manipulative although she acts and pretends to be so sweet etc. She made me feel really uncomfortable on many occasions and annoyed but I kept calm all the time in front of her but then told everything my husband and we argue. He obviously doesn't know any different and is convinced she's an angel or joking and has the best intentions, right...

100% of our arguments is because of her. Last weekend we went for 4 days break to Cornwall. Mothers Day - I sent her our pictures , exchange few messages, sent her wishes as hubs asked me from us, tried to call her 3 times - didn't pick up. Then in the evening after 9pm his phone rang - it was his Dad, he thought it was emergency so he took it. We were in bed , I was MAD. Then I can hear Mother coming on the phone - she basically used father to call him so it wouldn't look like it was her idea.

Who calls their son after 9pm knowing his on holiday with his wife ?

Needles to say we had a blazing row over it, he packed and wanted to go home. So we drove over 4h to London from Cornwall arguing for 2 hours. Holiday ruined. Next day 9am she already sent him message " Hope you are having lovely day xxx "....

Finally he understood and see where I am coming from as he came to me yesterday told me that he loves me and that we clearly arguing only over one thing and he would like us to go to therapy to get some advice how to deal with it. I will do it because I respect him. But now, how do I deal with her?!?!?!

She already showed her true colours, I asked her to meet me over the weekend , I want to talk to her and tell her politely to back off and let her son to be a husband and stop leaving in his pocket and that calls when we are away together are not ok. Sadly this need to happen.

I still want to have a good relationship with her and don't want this to put strain on us, I am suffering from anxiety and thought of speaking to her makes me sick and I already see her "innocent" face pretending she didn't have a clue etc. Absolutely over her trying to satisfy her emotional needs at the cost of my marriage.

I just can't afford to have anymore fights over her.

How do I talk to her without her turning me into an absolute monster??

Thanks xxx

Why didn't your DH phone his mum to wish her happy mother's day?

I would expect my child to call or text me, not ask their spouse to.

We were in bed , I was MAD.

Total overreaction IMO.

Who calls their son after 9pm knowing his on holiday with his wife ?

She didnt call at midnight did she. 9pm is fine.

Needles to say we had a blazing row over it, he packed and wanted to go home. So we drove over 4h to London from Cornwall arguing for 2 hours. Holiday ruined

Did you abandon your holiday because his mum called?

This incident escalating into a blazing row was unnecessary.

I get that you think she contacts her son a lot... sounds like it is more than average, but you shouldn't let it get to you like this.

It sounds like she really wants to maintain a close relationship with him. Is he an only child? I wonder if she feels you're trying to keep her at a distance and fears her relationship with her DS will not be what it used to be.

She likely sees you as a threat....so it might help to be mindful of this.

I get that she's probably a bit much but you're massively overreacting.
My DP is very close to his family and they live close by. Mil calls me every single day sometimes more than once and DP pops in there a few times a week. That would have most mumsnetters frothing at the mouth but I don't mind really. She loves us and her grandchildren, its just her way.
I could make a big deal of it and try and enforce boundaries, create issues where she feels she has to guilt trip or fabricate things to keep contact with her son but why bother when I can just make a friend of her and have a nice easy life with nice in laws?

My children aren’t even in bed by 9pm- especially on holiday. How’s was she meant to know you were just about to have sex!

Sometimes the phrase 'the lady doth protest too much' really fits a poster. This is one of those times

I feel sorry for OP husband. Imagine your spouse losing it because.youe.mother phoned you at 9pm! Lol.

You don’t have to deal with her, you deal with your DH and he deals with it. If the cell was a problem, he should have told her there and then, “we are busy at the minute Mum, call back tomorrow” I think your problem is with your DH letting her live in his pocket.

I’m sorry OP but you sound very controlling. Why didn’t DH get to phone his mum on mother’s day? Why were you phoning? His mum May have been busy during the day and missed your calls and so they called back. 9 isn’t that late. A mother and son can have a relationship, there is enough love for both mother and wife.

I think the OP has long gone now, probably due to the comments on here. She didn't post on AIBU. She asked for advice. "You're the problem" and "I feel sorry for your husband" is crap advice IMO.

I've seen some great support on Mumsnet over the years, but recently it just seems full of brutal comments in the name of "well she did ask for my opinion".

Or maybe she hasnt been back

Because she is busy
Or doesnt like being told she is in the wrong
Or is fed up of people not reading her posts and then falling out with other posters to attempt to be seen as so much more understanding that other posters.

You may not think much of others opinions and advice.

But actually 'you are the problem' and 'I feel sorry for your husband' is valid. Peopel ge finely think the OP is wrong, then hopefully being blunt will make her actually think about wether it could be true.

Just because you dont think it's the right or good advice doesnt mean anything. You dont get to decide.

I think you need to grow up, in the nicest possible way...

"She ruined your holiday" ... You sound very controlling OP it can't be about you all the time. I'm pretty sure you can have sex after the phone call or anytime really as you have yet to have children!! & I'm 110% sure she didn't know you were about to have sex when she called at 9pm... Your arguments will continue and rightly so! Sounds like you're trying to get between mother & son and your partner is having none of it!

@Tennesseewhiskey. Believe it or not, I'm not saying I should decide (?!?) lol. I guess time will tell if she will be back.

IME, people who are given harsh 'advice' tend to ignore it. I'm not holding my breath she will be back thanking those who have been, at worst, cruel, at best, unhelpful.

Start another thread OP under a different username. Don't mention this latest incident, but mention every other incident you have had with MIL and try again. I believe you are reacting to the latest in a string of issues and that has led you to post this.

I could give many examples from my own MIL. Each thing on its own may not seem like much, but put together it's a pattern that took me far too long to figure out.

I am one of those 'people need to give me an hour (at least) notice before they visit, including family' but even I don't see the issue in his mother calling on your holiday, surely families call/msg to see how your holiday is going?

I imagine there is a huge issue here regarding her usual behaviour and the phone call was the straw that broke the camels back?

As far as 'dealing' with her, you do nothing but you and your partner get on the same page and together you both know where the boundaries lie, when she oversteps them you are a united front rather than two people that can be pitted against each other.

I think you need to learn to pick your battles though, a phone call that comes in at 9pm is not the same as one that comes in at midnight when you would expect people to be sleeping so just try to let things like that go.

Why did you pack up and go home because someone rang you after 9pm? That's ludicrous. You ruined your holiday for an unexpected phone call?