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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mother in law

89 replies

Daisypnl · 04/04/2019 13:24

Hi ladies, I am here for a little bit of advice. We've been married for 2 year, no children but planning to start soon.

Hubs works shifts , I work Mon-Fri so when I eventually get time with him we don't do much because he's tired unless on his 4 days off very 2 weeks.

I have a good relationship with my MIL , we had our ups and down in the past but both staying respectful towards each other, meeting up for a coffee etc. I am always trying to make her feel comfortable and included. My husband is having a close relationship with her and I am happy for them. However she used to live less than 2 miles away from us and last June she moved to town 12 miles away, and then it all started......

She's constantly messaging him to meet up for a coffee, wants to know what we doing. Sometimes she would be ringing or texting last minute to see us where I had to pretend that we were both asleep.

Guilt tripping him for not saying her often and on,on and on...I found her really controlling and manipulative although she acts and pretends to be so sweet etc. She made me feel really uncomfortable on many occasions and annoyed but I kept calm all the time in front of her but then told everything my husband and we argue. He obviously doesn't know any different and is convinced she's an angel or joking and has the best intentions, right...

100% of our arguments is because of her. Last weekend we went for 4 days break to Cornwall. Mothers Day - I sent her our pictures , exchange few messages, sent her wishes as hubs asked me from us, tried to call her 3 times - didn't pick up. Then in the evening after 9pm his phone rang - it was his Dad, he thought it was emergency so he took it. We were in bed , I was MAD. Then I can hear Mother coming on the phone - she basically used father to call him so it wouldn't look like it was her idea.

Who calls their son after 9pm knowing his on holiday with his wife ?

Needles to say we had a blazing row over it, he packed and wanted to go home. So we drove over 4h to London from Cornwall arguing for 2 hours. Holiday ruined. Next day 9am she already sent him message " Hope you are having lovely day xxx "....

Finally he understood and see where I am coming from as he came to me yesterday told me that he loves me and that we clearly arguing only over one thing and he would like us to go to therapy to get some advice how to deal with it. I will do it because I respect him. But now, how do I deal with her?!?!?!

She already showed her true colours, I asked her to meet me over the weekend , I want to talk to her and tell her politely to back off and let her son to be a husband and stop leaving in his pocket and that calls when we are away together are not ok. Sadly this need to happen.

I still want to have a good relationship with her and don't want this to put strain on us, I am suffering from anxiety and thought of speaking to her makes me sick and I already see her "innocent" face pretending she didn't have a clue etc. Absolutely over her trying to satisfy her emotional needs at the cost of my marriage.

I just can't afford to have anymore fights over her.

How do I talk to her without her turning me into an absolute monster??

Thanks xxx

OP posts:

PinaColadaPlease · 04/04/2019 19:19

I'm sure he didn't expect her to contact the MIL. Assumptions again! Lol

He did! It's not an assumption, the OP said it herself in the opening post.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 19:42

I think you need to allow her a chat with her son on Mother’s Day!

Allow a call with his own mother?

Romax · 04/04/2019 19:47

Op this is backfired, hasn’t it?!

To call at 9pm on Mother’s Day - no big deal at all

Ninkaninus · 04/04/2019 19:47

Meh it’s a figure of speech. If it bothers you so much feel free to disregard my choice of words as you fuck off.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 19:50

Meh it’s a figure of speech. If it bothers you so much feel free to disregard my choice of words as you fuck off.

No, it's not a figure of speech.

You first post on here and that post make you seem like a really pleasant person.

sauvignonblancplz · 04/04/2019 19:55

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I think you are projecting ! Big time!

OP- from your post I think you are possibly. It from the UK & why I say this is I am wondering are you on your own over here? Is your husband your only family?

I do agree with others when it sounds like you have a problem & are reading into everything your MIL does a personal attach on you. This will be utterly exhausting for you every day & you have my sympathies .

Why is this such a big focus of your marriage?

sauvignonblancplz · 04/04/2019 19:56

Apologies for all the typos

Ninkaninus · 04/04/2019 19:57

And to expound on this a little more, even if you do take my words exactly literally, I don’t particularly mind. Every couple has things they will and won’t allow in or from their other halves. Boundaries, if you like. At any other time of year, barring Christmas, birthday and Mother’s Day, if my husband chose to spend his time chatting away with mummy when we’re away on holiday, I would find that incredibly rude and inconsiderate, and if she called in the evening and messaged constantly to intrude on our time away as a couple I would absolutely not be happy and he would find that I would make that very clear to him. I expect to be treated well and to be given the time and consideration and focus that I deserve has the person he lives. Asking for and expecting his full attention when we are away together is not unreasonable.i do a fuckload more for him than his mum ever did.

Ninkaninus · 04/04/2019 20:01

(Sigh. *as the person he loves in previous comment)

Lucky for you that you don’t have to live with me then, huh!

However my OH loves me and we have a very happy life together, but I’m not afraid to let him know what my expectations are. If he wants a passionate, engaged, and fully present me, he needs to keep me happy, same as I do for him. He needs to hear me, value me and absolutely to give me exactly as much (in fact more) consideration as he would to anyone else.

sauvignonblancplz · 04/04/2019 20:04

@Ninkaninus

Are you responding to a question someone has asked or just educating us on your relationship?

Ninkaninus · 04/04/2019 20:09

Commentary on the general issue being discussed, as one would expect on a forum for, uh, discussion. Or is your impression of this forum vastly different to mine?

(Mind you I did actually think this was in AIBU so in fairness, I have used slightly more robust language than I might have otherwise done)

Anyway, I’ll leave you all to froth a bit more over my comments if you like. I’m off to enjoy dinner and a cosy evening.

DIZZYTIGGER87 · 04/04/2019 20:16

Not really seeing the issue if I'm honest.

I would be upset with my MIL if she called at 9pm, but only because we have a sleep hating DS... I would be annoyed at anyone. But just because you were in bed about to have sex, she didn't know. No need to answer the phone.

It was mother's Day. I may have been a bit put out and lost the will for sex after a call, but I wouldn't have had a row and driven home.

I also don't quite understand why DH wants therapy? For what?

I think either there's more to this that you haven't said, or you just need to set some ground rules. But you also need to discuss said ground rules with DH and let him say what he thinks is fair.

Drogosnextwife · 04/04/2019 20:24

So she was supposed to know the 2 of you were about to have sex?
Honestly can't really see a problem with a mother phoning her son while he's on holiday, my DPS mum phones him all the time, I would never tell him not to answer to her.
Sounds like only you have a problem here. You are trying to ruin the relationship between your DH and him mother, grow up!

ChrisPrattsFace · 04/04/2019 20:32

Maybe text her next time saying you’re about to have sex and not to call...

Nah seriously though, I’m not seeing a problem here. And I have MIL issues of my own.

Eslteacher06 · 04/04/2019 20:41

The OP said he asked her, it didn't say he expected it. Splitting hairs? Who knows? Only the DP/OP know that.

What's clear is that boundaries need to be made and followed through and low contact by OP for this to be less of an issue.

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2019 20:44

Is everyone missing the fact it wasnthe H who wanted to go home, not the OP. Why is she getting the blame for rhat?

OP if I were you I’d go to therapy with your Dh. I agree with Atilla that your H will have been manipulated since childhood by his mother, so he will need someone else to unpick this, not just you.

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2019 20:46

No one in our family would dream of phoning each other at 9pm on a Sunday night, unless someone is very ill.

user1497997754 · 04/04/2019 20:59

Just tell her that you have sex after 9 in the evening so call before that should shut her up lol x

PicsInRed · 04/04/2019 21:06

I think its only possible to read the nuance in this post if you have had an engulfing family and/or inlaws AND come out the other side, enlightened.

Those who have never experienced it or are still deep in the FOG simply cannot understand a post like this.

Been there, done that, this MIL is clever and she knows just what she's doing (and how to do it in ways that are "innocent" e.g. calling late, but on mothers day). It's absolutely intentional, these types are wind up artists.

CaptainJaneway12 · 04/04/2019 21:08

@Ninkaninus
😂 That's hilarious! It's never seen a more frothing post while accusing other posters of frothing at the mouth (most were ignoring your ranting, which I would too, but had to thank you for the chuckle, much needed tonight!)

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/04/2019 21:11

Why didn’t your DH call his mother on Mother’s Day? Did he send her a card? Made plams tomsee her before or after the day?

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 04/04/2019 21:12

I guess the problem is that he answers the call? He could have ignored it/put it on silent x

SaltSpoon · 04/04/2019 21:18

YABVU

CallMeOnMyCell · 04/04/2019 21:23

Sorry OP but you are the problem here. Your MIL has done nothing wrong.

Ninkaninus · 04/04/2019 21:30

Obviously the ‘all’ was referring the posters who were frothing. But I’m glad it gave you a chuckle at least.

I admit I was pretty hangry, I’m feeling a bit better now. Apologies if I got a bit out of hand, it’s been that kind of week (no excuse really).

To get back to the poster who challenged my use of the term ‘allow her’ it absolutely is a figure of speech and used to indicate a general making of allowances to another’s position. I could use it in many contexts, such as, I allow my adult daughter her privacy and her independence even though I’m her mum and she lives with me right now. She’s a grown adult, in a professional role, and the time of me actually ‘allowing’ her to do or not do stuff is long gone. I allow my OH his downtime on his PlayStation because he works a very demanding and mentally taxing job and I know it helps him to relax. That doesn’t mean I actually think I can allow or not allow him to do stuff.. I’m not his boss, just like he’s not my boss. I allow my family and friends their demands on me, within reason, because I know that all good relationships have an element of give and take and while sometimes it’s not all that great for me, I love them and I’ll help them like they help me when I need it. Doesn’t mean I literally think I can ‘allow’ them to do stuff.

And, for context, my OH speaks to his mum most days and messages back and forth with her a lot. I’ve got no problem with that, and I’d never try to police how much time he spends with his very big family. Except for a very specific set of circumstances - When we are out for dinner or for the evening then his focus is on me and mine on him and I will not stand for anything less than that. Unless it’s an emergency there are many, many other hours in the day when he can be chatting and messaging with them and it does not need to encroach on our time as a couple. Same for holidays. If we are away together then he contacts them when it’s convenient for us, and the majority of that time is ours, mine and his and I guard it jealously. As is my right, IMO. We both work long hours and our time away is extremely precious.

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