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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mother in law

89 replies

Daisypnl · 04/04/2019 13:24

Hi ladies, I am here for a little bit of advice. We've been married for 2 year, no children but planning to start soon.

Hubs works shifts , I work Mon-Fri so when I eventually get time with him we don't do much because he's tired unless on his 4 days off very 2 weeks.

I have a good relationship with my MIL , we had our ups and down in the past but both staying respectful towards each other, meeting up for a coffee etc. I am always trying to make her feel comfortable and included. My husband is having a close relationship with her and I am happy for them. However she used to live less than 2 miles away from us and last June she moved to town 12 miles away, and then it all started......

She's constantly messaging him to meet up for a coffee, wants to know what we doing. Sometimes she would be ringing or texting last minute to see us where I had to pretend that we were both asleep.

Guilt tripping him for not saying her often and on,on and on...I found her really controlling and manipulative although she acts and pretends to be so sweet etc. She made me feel really uncomfortable on many occasions and annoyed but I kept calm all the time in front of her but then told everything my husband and we argue. He obviously doesn't know any different and is convinced she's an angel or joking and has the best intentions, right...

100% of our arguments is because of her. Last weekend we went for 4 days break to Cornwall. Mothers Day - I sent her our pictures , exchange few messages, sent her wishes as hubs asked me from us, tried to call her 3 times - didn't pick up. Then in the evening after 9pm his phone rang - it was his Dad, he thought it was emergency so he took it. We were in bed , I was MAD. Then I can hear Mother coming on the phone - she basically used father to call him so it wouldn't look like it was her idea.

Who calls their son after 9pm knowing his on holiday with his wife ?

Needles to say we had a blazing row over it, he packed and wanted to go home. So we drove over 4h to London from Cornwall arguing for 2 hours. Holiday ruined. Next day 9am she already sent him message " Hope you are having lovely day xxx "....

Finally he understood and see where I am coming from as he came to me yesterday told me that he loves me and that we clearly arguing only over one thing and he would like us to go to therapy to get some advice how to deal with it. I will do it because I respect him. But now, how do I deal with her?!?!?!

She already showed her true colours, I asked her to meet me over the weekend , I want to talk to her and tell her politely to back off and let her son to be a husband and stop leaving in his pocket and that calls when we are away together are not ok. Sadly this need to happen.

I still want to have a good relationship with her and don't want this to put strain on us, I am suffering from anxiety and thought of speaking to her makes me sick and I already see her "innocent" face pretending she didn't have a clue etc. Absolutely over her trying to satisfy her emotional needs at the cost of my marriage.

I just can't afford to have anymore fights over her.

How do I talk to her without her turning me into an absolute monster??

Thanks xxx

OP posts:

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 04/04/2019 14:08

*hear

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2019 14:14

Hi BaronessBomburst,

re your comment to me:-
"Attila I don't get anything like that from the OPs posts. Often on MN yes, but not from this thread

Yes I do see what you mean but you would perhaps concede there is a lot going on here that is not emotionally healthy. The fact that OPs H is now going to seek therapy is also telling.

whyshouldiworry · 04/04/2019 14:25

Do you feel able to expand on this, OP? Maybe if we had some examples of MIL's past form, it may help with the advice.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 14:35

The fact that OPs H is now going to seek therapy is also telling.

Not really. He mat be doing this to appease his wife.

She seems the issue, it could be that he is trying to be better and seem to side with her to save his marriage.

It happens all the time

flumpybear · 04/04/2019 15:48

Ok you need to set up boundaries and agree with them with your husband first then get him to liaise wth his mum

HOWEVER you yourself need to take a bit of a step back as what you're doing is a bit childish,

9pm at night isn't too late to phone. Turn your phone off if you're busy with your husband or sleeping

It's Mother's Day - HE shouldnhave phoned his mum, not you, perhaps you can also phone and send messages but he's very wrong to not call himself - it's a single day of the year for goodness sake - perhaps she was waiting for him to call all day which would have been really sad for her

-also consider that because of the behaviour above on Mother's Day perhaps she feels like you've put a wedge between her son and you, this will happen a little but how big is that wedge and how much are you trying to side-line her?

You COMPLETELY over reacted by driving back from holiday because his mum phoned st 9pm - makes me wonder if you're being a total diva and your husband date not upset you 🙄

So bear in mind it's not all about you, he's got a mum and you can't drive a wedge but you can try to reflect on your own behaviours and try to move forwards together

HJWT · 04/04/2019 15:53

You don't have children so you won't understand her behaviour... just be glad she doesn't drop in every other day without asking!!!

ladymariner · 04/04/2019 15:57

flumpy has it spot on

whyshouldiworry · 04/04/2019 17:03

Needles to say we had a blazing row over it, he packed and wanted to go home

Do you not feel heard and supported by your husband?

If we could have some examples of her behaviour. If she is the Queen of PA behaviour, I know how difficult it can be to get that across to your husband.

I had one of those MILs. Sugary-sweet little old lady whenever there was anyone else around. Snide put-downs the minute we were alone. The number of times I wish I had recorded her and caught her on my phone or something. I don't like play underhand games though.

Mind you, she wasn't above coming out with strange comments even in front of DH. Stuff like, "Men can have affairs and it's just fun for them and it doesn't mean a thing." with a knowing smile at me. When I wanted to discuss this sort of remark with my DH after she'd gone home, he never seemed to have heard it even though he was in the room. I don't know if he just tuned her out for real or whether he just didn't want to get into it with me. It made me resentful for a long time.

I eventfully stopped taking time off when she would visit for two weeks at a time. I was never consulted about these visits. I once asked my DH to please, please cut the staying down to one week at a time. Not one week a year, but just one week at a time. Two weeks got so bloody hard-going. I used to move heaven and earth to cater to her and entertain her. Husband no support whatsoever. I just got sick of being walked over and suddenly couldn't get time off anymore because of work commitments. Hardly solving the problem, but it sure made me feel better

GillianUsedToLiveHere · 04/04/2019 17:17

I think it was sad that you chose to go away on Mother's Day.

What did your Dh do before on Mother's Day? Does he normally see her? Why were you ringing her and not him? That is weird.

TooDamnSarky · 04/04/2019 17:19

Totally normal to ring your kids on Mother's Day if you haven't yet spoken to them.

Hiphopopotamus · 04/04/2019 17:24

What? This is bizarre! ‘Needless to say we had a blazing row’... why would you have a blazing row because his mum returned 3 missed phone calls? Why is it a problem for her to text in the morning wishing you a good day? My MIL texts both me and my DH every morning wishing us a good day. My parents frequently ring of an evening - if I’m free, I answer, if I’m not I call them back when convenient. Completely and utterly bizarre to ruin your own holiday over this!

PinaColadaPlease · 04/04/2019 17:29

From your post the only problem I can see is that your partner expected you to contact his Mum on Mother’s Day rather than do it himself.

Meeting for coffee and 9pm phone calls are not unusual at all.

As for leaving your holiday because she called at 9pm, I have no words!

Eslteacher06 · 04/04/2019 17:36

I think most people here who are saying you are the problem, haven't had to deal with this kind of situation.

It's really good your partner has agreed to counselling. I would definitely do it!

My mil is also the main thing DH and I argue about. From experience, I wouldn't tell your DP everything that annoys you about her as it will look like you are nit picking, but speaking to an outside person at set times will bring perspective.

Just wait til you have kids.... that's when I found my MIL the worst. She was crossing boundaries and I've had enough so I see /contact her when I have to and let my DH speak to her now. It means I have time to increase my tolerance to her bull.

Anothertempusername · 04/04/2019 17:44

My mum calls me at 9pm every Sunday. It's not late at all.

Is there anything else? Otherwise I think you are being very unreasonable.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 17:53

I think most people here who are saying you are the problem, haven't had to deal with this kind of situation.

Why do people say this sort of thing?

You have no idea, what other people have put up with.

I can tell you what I haven't had, a partner who expects me to contact his mother on mothers day. Its ridiculous.

Either he is lazy and doesnt give a shit or the OP is controlling and he prefers to run everything through her.

Eslteacher06 · 04/04/2019 18:43

@jessgalinda Of course I have no idea what others are going through! Infact, most of us don't know exactly what is going on in anyone's life, especially on an internet forum. And my point was we don't know what's fully going on in the OPs life. That is why I said it.

I just feel there's more going on than the MIL ringing at 9pm. Maybe it's cause the OP tried her best to contact her that day, and it was ignored? She feels she's trying her best, but she feels it's not good enough? I've no idea!

I'm sure he didn't expect her to contact the MIL. Assumptions again! Lol

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 18:46

Eslteacher06 so why post that people who dint get it cant have been in this position then.

Cause actually I have, still think OP is the problem.

Eslteacher06 · 04/04/2019 18:51

@jessgallinda. I've already explained why I said what I said. Why ask me again?!

I'm entitled to have an opinion just as much as you are. I just don't feel people saying she's is the problem in a very blunt way is helpful.

Jesus unclench!

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 18:52

I an unclenched.

And you say I am trying to stop you having an opinion?

You made a judgment of others posting 9n here. I challenged you on it. Not my issue if you dont like it.

LL83 · 04/04/2019 18:55

9pm isn't late,she was returning his/your call, dont answer if you're about to have sex. You should be annoyed at dh for answering it is not "must be an emergency" time of day.

It was rude and insensitive of dh to ask you to text happy mothers day he should have done it.

You can set your boundaries for mil. But dh has to set his. She can ask him for last minute coffees, he can say know,and probably schedule a suitable time.

I would encourage dh to see mil. Would be awful for a child not to make time for parents. If he is so tired he cant do anything on days off perhaps he should look for alternative work before having a child.

timeisnotaline · 04/04/2019 18:58

It’s mothers day, you don’t have any kids yourself, your dh is pretty crap and hasn’t called his own mum so she calls at 9pm, and you hit the roof. I won’t say poor dh as he asked you to call her which is pathetic but your poor mil!

Ninkaninus · 04/04/2019 19:00

Oh I’m with you.

I do not want my OH taking calls from his mummy and then expecting me to be a sex kitten with him directly after. The two do not mix at all for me.

I also would not be impressed at being disturbed by a call in the evening when we’re on holiday. That is our time.

So no, I don’t think you’re the problem at all.

Holidayshopping · 04/04/2019 19:04

I wouldn’t honestly bat an eyelid if my MIL called after 9pm on Mothers day to return DH’s call-in fact I think mine probably did call just after 9 as she’d been out all day !

Had she called at midnight, that’s something else!

It sounds like you ruined your own holiday!

Ninkaninus · 04/04/2019 19:10

Well yes, I didn’t actually realise that was on Mother’s Day. I do think you were unreasonable to have an argument with him on that, I think you need to allow her a chat with her son on Mother’s Day! I know you’d been trying to ring in the day, but still. However, if it were any other day and we were away on holiday together I would have been very annoyed at being disturbed.

hawaii507 · 04/04/2019 19:12

You ruined your holiday not MIL. You sound like you need 100% of your hubs attention and dislike when you don't get it. I think you are controlling and you don't realise .

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