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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed - just found out something about husband

116 replies

GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 07:54

My marriage has been up and down for a while, for various reasons.

I've just been told something that's shaken me up though. Around 6 months ago I went for a meal out with work colleagues, DH didn't want me to go because he didn't want to look after the children on his own. We argued about it the whole week before, with me pointing out that I barely ever go out and that I've never stopped him going out. On the night he kept texting me about how badly behaved the children were and how he wanted me to come home. I stayed out anyway. When it came time to pay for the meal my card didn't work and I had to borrow money. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But I've just been told that in the last month he's boasted about stopping my card that night.

The person who passed this on wouldn't even have known about the night out, let alone that my card didn't work, so there's no way they could have made it up.

I just don't know what to do now, I know I can't stay, if he's willing to do that, and is confident enough to boast about it, what else has he done?

I need to get everything in order before telling him I know, because if he wanted to make my life difficult all he'd have to do is walk out and I wouldn't be able to get to work - I do shifts and there's no childcare spaces that can accommodate the hours I need.

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 04/04/2019 07:56

That's really disgusting behaviour from your husband op. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. I would be the same.

Definitely get everything sorted including a babysitter that can have your kids.

Chilledout11 · 04/04/2019 07:58

That's so spiteful of him. I would keep quiet for now and try and plan. Can you change your job? Is that an option at all? At least then you could organise cover for suitable affordable hours? Sorry you are going through this

stacktherocks · 04/04/2019 07:58

That really is sickening. That he felt he deserved that level of control over you. That he has no issue with how embarrassing it might be to have your card declined at a meal with colleagues. Unbelievable.

There will be a way for you to leave this relationship, you just have to find it. People leave relationships under all kinds of less than ideal situations. Are you bound to shift work permanently? Can you apply for a job with more regular hours? Any family nearby for help? Can you afford to be on benefits for a while if necessary?

redwoodmazza · 04/04/2019 07:59

OMG! That is awful. What a complete dick.

HotpotLawyer · 04/04/2019 08:05

So he does childcare while you work but would not while you went out socially?

Does he show any other signs of abuse and control?

Is the reason you never go out down to him creating obstacles? Is he jealous?

Original poster
GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 08:06

I'm reluctant to leave my job, as I've got good prospects here and they've all rallied around me since this came to light. I'm going I can find childcare that fits around me, bit it might be a case of waiting until this school year ends to find spaces.

I've figured I need to play the long game anyway, I don't want to rush out and put myself under huge amounts of pressure. I have a disability which responds badly to stress, so need to know I havent missed anything important beforeI he can use against me before I leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 08:12

At the moment he does all the childcare because he's not working. So we had to give up their childcare places.

I don't know what he has against me going out. I don't think it's jealousy re: other men. He just doesn't seem to like me doing things where he isn't invited. There are friends I never get to see because they didn't turn up to his birthday celebrations once.

There've been lots of little things over the years, we split up once years ago but got back together because I found out I was pregnant

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 04/04/2019 08:15

Wow, that’s so sly.

And ditto @hotpot why could he not cope with that night when he copes with your shifts for childcare? 💐 for you

rumred · 04/04/2019 08:17

That's a shockingly mean and underhand action from someone who's supposed to be your partner in life.
I can't imagine how you feel. It looks to me like the act of someone who despises you. And someone who is childish and unkind, not qualities I personally admire in anyone

2cats2many · 04/04/2019 08:17

That's coercive and abusive. You're right to leave him.

notapizzaeater · 04/04/2019 08:17

He's sounds controlling. If he has the children in the day then the evening shouldn't be any different.

SunshineCake · 04/04/2019 08:20

What do you need help with with leaving? What a horrible man. I'm so sorry.

Yogagirl123 · 04/04/2019 08:23

If you are married to a controlling partner, they will use any way possible to try to control you including financially. Get out, you are worth more.

Original poster
GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 08:29

I'm still getting over the shock of it, can't think what the first steps should be. I'm going to contact the bank to get proof, partly for my own sanity, partly as back up in case he decides to fight dirty. I know he doesn't want to have main custody of the children, as he clearly doesn't like doing the childcare part, but I wouldn't put it past him to fight for that just because he knows it'd hurt me.

I think I'm going to start putting together a file of proof of his behaviour and an action plan for getting out.

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 04/04/2019 08:33

Make sure you have copies of everything and hide yours and the kids passports because if he's the type to block your card I imagine he will hide your proof of ID etc if you needed it

Original poster
GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 08:35

My passport is well out of date, but I'll find and hide the birth certificates

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 04/04/2019 08:38

One thing you could do is to open a bank account in your name only & start stashing some emergency funds in there. He would not be able to access it. Credit card in your name. Separating finances would be a priority for me if I were in your shoes. Keep your passwords secret from him too.
The bloody cheek of him given that you are the main earner.

InDubiousBattle · 04/04/2019 08:38

Do you own a home together op? How long has he been looking after the dc, is he a SAHP or is this a temporary thing until he gets another job? The difference can be pretty big if you do divorce. Do you have your own, non joint account you can put money into just in case he tries to pull this sort of stunt again ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2019 08:43

He is already putting you under pressure now, he has shown you re the bank card what he is capable of doing.

I think its a given he will fight you dirty because he is abusive. This is who he is, he is not going to behave better during and after leaving him. He will continue to try and punish you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him post separation as well by using all means at his disposal including your kids. Such men hate women, all of them.

Enlist the help of Womens Aid too and plan your exit from your abuser with care and due diligence. This is not the relationship model your children at all need to continue witnessing and learning from, they cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships themselves.

I would also seek legal advice asap re divorce because knowledge is power too.

NettleTea · 04/04/2019 08:44

Id be looking at getting kids into childcare asap because as he does all the current childcare, he may try to go for 100% residency of the kids and at the moment he would get it.
Is there a reason why he doesnt work?

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 04/04/2019 08:46

Wow, this is unbelievable (not that I don't believe you, just that his behaviour is so shocking). What a controlling arsehole! You seem to have your head very much screwed on though and your plan to document/gather evidence and play the slightly longer game to minimise stress and make arrangements is very wise. I second the idea of opening your own bank account and starting an emergency fund.

katseyes7 · 04/04/2019 08:47

"He's not working so he does all the childcare". So presumably the money in the account he blocked was actually earned by you?!
That's not on at all. Controlling and way over the top.

reallybadidea · 04/04/2019 08:52

I'm concerned for you that he is currently not working, is financially supported by you and is doing all the childcare. This could give him massive leverage if he does fight you for residency. I think you need to get some good legal advice before you do anything.

cakecakecheese · 04/04/2019 08:53

Oh gosh yes you need to get away from this incredibly controlling man as soon as you can, gathering evidence and protecting yourself is a very good idea as is getting legal advice and contacting Women's Aid.

trendingorange · 04/04/2019 08:55

That is truly awful op he's the lowest.

Somehow you need to sort your work/child care so you can kick him out.

He's not a good role model for your children, I worry what else he is capable of and how he treats them when you're not around. He sounds dangerously entitled.

Do you have family/friends who can help? Can you change from shift work?
Will you be able to claim some benefits if you are a single parent?

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