Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed - just found out something about husband

116 replies

GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 07:54

My marriage has been up and down for a while, for various reasons.

I've just been told something that's shaken me up though. Around 6 months ago I went for a meal out with work colleagues, DH didn't want me to go because he didn't want to look after the children on his own. We argued about it the whole week before, with me pointing out that I barely ever go out and that I've never stopped him going out. On the night he kept texting me about how badly behaved the children were and how he wanted me to come home. I stayed out anyway. When it came time to pay for the meal my card didn't work and I had to borrow money. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But I've just been told that in the last month he's boasted about stopping my card that night.

The person who passed this on wouldn't even have known about the night out, let alone that my card didn't work, so there's no way they could have made it up.

I just don't know what to do now, I know I can't stay, if he's willing to do that, and is confident enough to boast about it, what else has he done?

I need to get everything in order before telling him I know, because if he wanted to make my life difficult all he'd have to do is walk out and I wouldn't be able to get to work - I do shifts and there's no childcare spaces that can accommodate the hours I need.

OP posts:
SammySamSam09 · 04/04/2019 08:56

Omg my ex used to do this. He also used to lock me out the house when I got home from nights out and once said one of the DC was gravely ill and he had called an ambulance so I came rushing home to the house in darkness and everyone safely sound asleep in bed. I never went out again after that one. I stuck around for another couple of years until he broke me and I finally left.
He still wonders why I left him Confused

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/04/2019 09:00

He sounds awful, I'm glad your work colleagues have been supportive.

As hard as it sounds I think you need him back to work and the children in childcare before you leave. Spite and jealousy could make him fight for custody even if he didn't really want it. Good luck.

NoCauseRebel · 04/04/2019 09:00

Confused what kind of account is it you have where it’s possible to deactivate and reactivate cards at will? I wasn’t aware this was actually a thing? To the best of my knowledge/experience if you have to stop a card on an account the bank would have to issue a new one?

WitsEnding · 04/04/2019 09:01

He has given you an excellent reason to separate bank accounts, even if you choose to frame it as "a bank mistake".

CostanzaG · 04/04/2019 09:02

nocause
Some banks let you do this....

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/04/2019 09:04

What an utter fucker!! Angry

If I were you I'd be getting a separate bank account and card that he doesn't know about, and keeping some money in there so that you have money he can't touch when you finally tell him you're going. AND you'll be able to go out again without him fucking you over!

That is an AWFUL thing for him to have done to you, so petty and spiteful.

Yabbers · 04/04/2019 09:11

Is he generally devious like this?

Pinkmonkeybird · 04/04/2019 09:24

@NoCauseRebel if they had a Monzo account, you can freeze the card via the app and reactivate - I have one and it comes in handy for people who have mislaid their cards. That's the only one I know of, so I'm also unsure how the OP's H would have deactivated their card at will via a high street bank as they would probably only do that if he called to say their card had been stolen or lost.

Pinkmonkeybird · 04/04/2019 09:25

I'd get a separate account sorted ASAP, OP. This is not on at all.

sueelleker · 04/04/2019 09:33

I've seen a Barclaycard advert where you can freeze a card and reactivate it.

Dumdedumdedum · 04/04/2019 09:34

Just here to reiterate what lots of others have said, and suggest you open a bank account of your own and get a credit card for it without his knowledge. See if you can get the card (and bank bumph if you can't do everything online) sent to your office or if not there, somewhere other than your home address so that he won't see it and find out about it.
Good luck with "getting your ducks in a row" - you are right to take it slowly, in your own time, to suit you, so that it comes as a complete shock to him when you are ready to move on. It will probably be really hard to carry on living with him under those conditions, though Sad

thecatsabsentcojones · 04/04/2019 09:35

So he's not working and you're the person who earns? Your money should be going into a different account, he can't be trusted.

I feel for you, that's terrible controlling behaviour.

Drum2018 · 04/04/2019 09:48

Time to definitely separate finances. Open an account in your sole name, advise payroll and get your salary into that account. Then if you have a joint account for bills pay whatever you need to into the joint account. Do not let him have that control over you. What an absolute prick.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 09:51

that is really awful, he is really awful Sad

TheSerenDipitY · 04/04/2019 09:52

in NZ our banking aps and online banking, we can activate and deactivate our linked cards at will, check balances, create extra linked accounts and set up and remove or edit automatic payments too and transfer money between your own accounts instantly and if i wanted to send money to my daughter it only takes a minute or so and she has it in her account ready to use.... bloody handy

GraduationDilemma · 04/04/2019 09:55

My XH did something similar and trust was never recovered tbh.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 09:55

So he is not working, he does the child care but he doesnt want you to go out in the evening
are you on a strict budget?
could you afford to go out?

is he lookign for work?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/04/2019 10:01

What a controlling wanker.

I echo a PP - start by hiding the important documents and opening your own bank account and squirrel money away.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/04/2019 10:03

Sorry if this sounds a bit over the top, but if you are quietly setting up an extra bank account without him knowing about it, you will presumably be getting post to your home address, which being at home all day he would be able to open if he is curious about it.

If you think this is likely, you could get a Post Office referral service to forward any mail addressed specifically to you to a relative/friend or even a PO Box number.
It's a pity he's not working atm as if he was, it might distract him and take some of the pressure off you. Could this be why he's behaving like this, or does he have form for it even when working.
Is there anyone you could go to for RL advice?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/04/2019 10:04

ps. Is it possible to send a letter to your banks etc instructing them to ONLY deactivate your cards when instructed by you? Or phone them to put a note on your file.

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 10:05

That’s really awful.

Is he planning on getting back to work? Be careful about ending it while he is main carer for the children especially if he is likely to play nasty. Get legal advice first.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 10:09

Does he know you know?

do you keep an eye on finances normally op?

Fairenuff · 04/04/2019 10:11

Even if it's a joint account he would not be able to stop a card in your name. Were you using a card in his name?

Alfiemoon1 · 04/04/2019 10:12

Gosh that’s awful. It’s bad enough he gave you grief for going out in the first place then texting you while you were out but to stop you card to humiliate you when it was declined is really out of order even more so when it’s your money as he isn’t working
Why isn’t he working is he planning on going back to work? What is your housing situation? Are you married how old are dc ?

UniversalAunt · 04/04/2019 10:13

Coercive & financially abusive.
Spiteful too.
What’s to like here?

He is already making your life difficult by staying.
You may have practical challenges if he leaves but you’d have freedom.
He knows this.

Sabotaging a partners bank account was new to me until a year ago until a relative’s abuser left her & DCs high & dry when he trashed access to her own money. This technique seems be part of abusers’s repotoire. Is there a handbook somewhere?

Talking to Women’s Aid is a very good start for support & practical help.

Separate your finances as other posters suggest. Build your emergency fund up.

Get him back out to work*.
So he is no longer financially dependent on you.
*Caveat that if he cannot work & is on benefits.
Is there a reason why he does not work?
Is this a variation of financial control- because deliberately having no income to contribute puts greater responsibility & restraints on you ?

Get childcare back in place so that he cannot claim that he is StayAtHomeDad - you do not want him in the position to claim that he already he has parental responsibility so he can stay in your home & you support him as SAHD.
he clearly doesn't like doing the childcare part, but I wouldn't put it past him to fight for that just because he knows it'd hurt me. It seems that you have the measure of the man already.

Take good legal advice now.
First half hour is often free.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.