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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed - just found out something about husband

116 replies

GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 07:54

My marriage has been up and down for a while, for various reasons.

I've just been told something that's shaken me up though. Around 6 months ago I went for a meal out with work colleagues, DH didn't want me to go because he didn't want to look after the children on his own. We argued about it the whole week before, with me pointing out that I barely ever go out and that I've never stopped him going out. On the night he kept texting me about how badly behaved the children were and how he wanted me to come home. I stayed out anyway. When it came time to pay for the meal my card didn't work and I had to borrow money. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But I've just been told that in the last month he's boasted about stopping my card that night.

The person who passed this on wouldn't even have known about the night out, let alone that my card didn't work, so there's no way they could have made it up.

I just don't know what to do now, I know I can't stay, if he's willing to do that, and is confident enough to boast about it, what else has he done?

I need to get everything in order before telling him I know, because if he wanted to make my life difficult all he'd have to do is walk out and I wouldn't be able to get to work - I do shifts and there's no childcare spaces that can accommodate the hours I need.

OP posts:
AMALDO · 04/04/2019 12:11

You can freeze a Barclays bank card via the banking app. (Unsure any other banks have this function) If DH had access to the app while OP was out he would have no problem de-activating/re-activating the card.

delilahbucket · 04/04/2019 12:22

I'm confused op. How could he cancel your card? He can hardly ring the bank and pretend he's you. You would also have had to get a new card and PIN if it was blocked. Did you not contact your bank to see if there was a problem with your card or account?
If he really isn't capable of providing evening childcare while you have a night out, but he is capable of looking after them while you work, then he's being an arse and you have every right to get out asap.

delilahbucket · 04/04/2019 12:23

Barclays only introduced the card blocking function in December. Op said six months ago.

AMALDO · 04/04/2019 12:48

I used this feature last summer. I'm sure it's been around longer than this. We can only know the circumstances if OP lets us know.

OP you sound like you have your head screwed on. Playing the long game and getting your affairs in order is the sensible thing to do. Take care.

prh47bridge · 04/04/2019 13:06

He cannot stop your card, only his

If she is a second card holder on his credit card then yes, he can stop the OP's card. And some credit card providers have had the ability to put a temporary stop on a card for more than 6 months.

CantStopMeNow · 04/04/2019 14:31

He cannot stop your card, only his
Depends on the details - is it a joint account? Is he the main account holder? Did he have it blocked and did you have it unblocked?
He could have easily rang them and said it had been lost/stolen and got the card cancelled.

Alfiemoon1 · 04/04/2019 14:38

You can temporarily freeze your card with Halifax as well

Original poster
GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 14:58

Lots to reply to, and I'm at home with him so will have to do a full post later/tomorrow. But just quickly, I don't know 100% that he blocked my card - right now I only have what he told people to go on.

A colleague who uses the same bank showed me on a banking app that she has the ability to temporarily freeze her card, so I'm assuming that's what he did. It was my card, through our joint account, and yes - my earnings. I don't know yet how he did it, but he was at home so had access to my computer, so that's a possibility. Going to phone the bank tomorrow to get confirmation and see if they can tell me how he did it.

Even if it turns out he didn't, the fact that he was boasting to people that he did is upsetting enough to me.

Definitely not a reverse thread, wish it was honestly. Didn't think I'd ever be facing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 14:59

Forgot to say, it's a joint account, he's the main account holder though so no idea if that gives him the ability to freeze my card. If so, fucking hell. I'd almost prefer him to have logged in to my account than find out a bank allows this

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 04/04/2019 15:04

This really isn't helpful, but if you phone the bank and tell them that the card on your joint account may have been frozen without your permission and they believe the account to be 'in dispute' they might put a stop on it requiring 2 signatures for any withdrawals which would force your hand before you're ready.

My info may be out of date I haven't been in banking for a long time, but they have to protect the balance if they are notified of a dispute.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 15:05

I am able to move money between accounts online, did you tell him your card was refused at the time?

NoCauseRebel · 04/04/2019 15:26

I actually think the bank allowing people to do this is a serious breach and should be potentially talked about on a wider scale. Financial abuse is one of the biggest factors within an emotionally abusive relationship, and the fact that it seems that it has become a more recent phenomenon that joint account holders can randomly stop each other’s cards is extremely worrying and is IMO the banks facilitating the ability for partners to financially abuse each other.

That aside, I honestly wouldn’t stick around at this point I genuinely wouldn’t. I would speak to the bank now and tell them that you wish to open a separate account in your name only. And I would use the reasoning of having found out that banks allow the feature for joint account holders to block each other’s cards as a reason why you feel that you both now need separate accounts with a joint account for the bills only.

And then I would plan to leave ASAP. Although you should seek some legal advice with regards to e.g. residency and/or the need to pay maintenance/spousal maintenance if he’s not working due to childcare at the moment.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/04/2019 15:44

If the bank have allowed this by mistake then they should offer you some form of compensation

SuperSange · 04/04/2019 17:59

That's actually quite chilling. That he'd do that.

Ruru8thestars · 04/04/2019 18:16

Why is he the account holder if you are the main wage earner?

Drum2018 · 04/04/2019 18:24

Just get an account in your own name. If it's a joint account neither should be the 'main account holder'. Whether it's true or not that he stopped your card, at this stage you need to ensure you have financial stability in case you do leave him. He's a control freak not wanting you to have a night out and bombarding you with texts when you dare 'disobey' him.

Original poster
GameOverRestart · 04/04/2019 18:37

I wasn't the main earner when the account was set up, circumstances changed.

OP posts:
Wonkydonkey44 · 04/04/2019 19:02

Please open a separate account . I work for a bank and no way can we cancel or stop another persons card on a joint account at all. Please go in to your bank and tell them about your card not working. They will be able to find out exactly what happened Flowers

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 19:06

Wow.....if he did do that......what a complete b*stard.
That's just....nasty.
That is stuff of a controlling and abusive man.
If it is true....I'd be sending him on his way ASAP 😡

MintyCedric · 04/04/2019 19:16

If you think this is likely, you could get a Post Office referral service to forward any mail addressed specifically to you to a relative/friend or even a PO Box number.

Please be aware if you do this that Royal Mail will send a confirmation of redirection to your current address, marked fao The Occupier.

This was how my XH found out I was leaving him. Not ideal.

I imagine there are ways around it but if it's something you need to do it might be best to go to the PO and speak to someone in person rather than doing it online.

Good luck...and don't worry about your taking your time, sometimes it's necessary.

SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 19:17

echo what others have said. Get your own account and get your ducks in a row.

Do you remember if he mentioned anything about the card or payment the night you came home?

Try and discuss him getting back to work or you could end up having to support him financially when you end it. Seek legal advice on this.

What a very nasty man he is.

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 19:26

I temporarily froze a MasterCard online recently. Would he have enough details to do it online?

TheHorseYouRodeInOn · 04/04/2019 19:26

@NoCauseRebel
If you have a joint account and use online banking you can log in and temporarily block the cards associated with the account. I know because my bank has that facility. That may well be what her husband did 🤷‍♀️

JonestheMail · 04/04/2019 19:38

I don't think the how's of card blocking matter at the moment.

OP you have had good advice here. Open a new bank account in your sole name and have your money paid into that. Give as a correspondence address for the account the address of a trustworthy friend or relative. There will come a point when you are ready to leave and you need your finances in order for that.

If you are worried about him kicking off over not seeing your money going into the joint account use a combination of drawing out extra at the cashpoint/ getting cash back at the supermarket when grocery shopping and buying and returning things to shops for cash to start to build up your fund.

Also agree get the DC into childcare and your H back to work asap.

fwiwinamechanged · 04/04/2019 22:32

Op
I'm in the same boat. I can't start my own thread because my partner checks up on me online.

I just found out recently that my partner changed his will following a row last year. For a year I did not know that he changed his will to leave the house (solely in his name tho I pay towards it) to his ex wife in the event of his death rendering me homeless. He did this for "revenge " after an argument.
The argument was because I threatened to stop giving him money each month while I saved to move out because during a previous row I told him to take his ex wife on holiday.
So he asked her to go on our holiday instead of me. And she had said yes apparently.
I got angry and threatened to move out so because he thought I wasn't going to pay each month anymore he changed his will.

I am distraught and trust is gone. I don't think I can get past this either.

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