Advice needed - just found out something about husband

[GameOverRestart]

My marriage has been up and down for a while, for various reasons.

I've just been told something that's shaken me up though. Around 6 months ago I went for a meal out with work colleagues, DH didn't want me to go because he didn't want to look after the children on his own. We argued about it the whole week before, with me pointing out that I barely ever go out and that I've never stopped him going out. On the night he kept texting me about how badly behaved the children were and how he wanted me to come home. I stayed out anyway. When it came time to pay for the meal my card didn't work and I had to borrow money. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But I've just been told that in the last month he's boasted about stopping my card that night.

The person who passed this on wouldn't even have known about the night out, let alone that my card didn't work, so there's no way they could have made it up.

I just don't know what to do now, I know I can't stay, if he's willing to do that, and is confident enough to boast about it, what else has he done?

I need to get everything in order before telling him I know, because if he wanted to make my life difficult all he'd have to do is walk out and I wouldn't be able to get to work - I do shifts and there's no childcare spaces that can accommodate the hours I need.

Oh OP that really is a shitty thing for him to do to you. I would bet any amount of money that he is always doing shitty little things like that to derail you but that you haven't noticed before now. Sit back and observe his behaviour. Try to take emotion out of it. I am sure you will then see lots of little nasty behaviours that' he does to make life difficult for you.

One of the things my ex used to do was to come home from work at about 7 and sneakily open the dishwasher door to stop it working. The last job I did before bed was unload the dishwasher because I had 3 kids to get up and out on my own in the morning and wanted it clear for that. He always said that it was a mistake, that he'd just opened the dishwasher to put a glass in it and forgot to close it etc etc. One day I don't know why but I watched him and he just went into the kitchen and opened the door very slightly. I knew then that it was deliberate and that he'd been doing it for a long time.

It's kind of like a lightbulb moment. That moment when you realise that they are not FOR you, they are AGAINST you - and that's not a relationship that will EVER work.

Oh and agree with all others who said separate your bank account.

I would agree with other pps. Open a new account in your sole name and get all the household expenses paid out of that. You might let him have a small allowance if you're feeling generous. He won't like it, but you can't allow him to have that amount of control.

That's a serious control issue there. I wouldn't even have thought about doing that to someone. I would not want to embarrass them that way. He doesn't care about you. He is first in his books and by extension, must be first in yours. Nasty piece of work.

What a complete and utter bastard. I had a friend who’s husband does these kind of tricks. She is a shell of her former self and he controls everything.

You sound as if you are sensible and know that you need to get your ducks in a row. Make sure you and kids are sorted before you confront him. See a lawyer, sort out finances etc.

I know how hurt you must be but you and your kids deserve so much better. Good luck

Wow OP, what a shock. He is a snake, and has shown you who he is and what he thinks of you. What a controlling and abusive gesture, and how worrying. I would feel sick to my stomach

You need to plan a way out OP, others are right to say he'll likely play dirty, especially if challenged so I would make my plans and leave. As soon as you are able open a separate bank account and extract funds/savings. Remove any/all passports and documents from the shared home and get copies at a minimum. He clearly feels very smug that he believes he can just control you financially to get what he wants, or punish you if you act out. Both make him vile. He needs you far more than you need him OP, you would be fine. It's not even really clear what he contributes if he cannot manage the kids of an evening.

Is he usually a loving equal partner? Has he been abusive before? What is your housing situation?

What would he do of you told him you knew? If this were my DP I'd tell him I knew, and that everyone else did as well and thought him pathetic. I'd inform him I was having my salary put into a different account as of now, which he won't have access to and suggest he looks for work and asap as I will be ending our relationship. Of course I have no DC so it's far easier. Get legal advice OP. You have support here and with your colleagues- he's a worm.

Don't want to read and run but just wanted to say this is shocking abusive and controlling behaviour and please LTB. What a complete and utter arse to stop your card on a evening out!

A good family/divorce lawyer is a good start, they often give 30 minutes free legal advice.

As another poster said, Women's Aid too.

Just out of interest, not sure if you've posted this - but do you have family/friends nearby and other childcare options apart from him?

Surely if there are bank accounts where it is possible for one holder to cancel another card holder’s card this is something which needs campaigning against? As it’s this kind of thing which enables/facilitates financial abuse.

WRT his not working, not sure the reasons why are relevant? No-one would ask that of a woman, it may be possible that he is the stay at home parent?

There’s no question that the OP should leave this relationship however if he is boasting about having cancelled her card then this abuse is quite blatant already isn’t it? So the OP shouldn’t have issue with receiving support from friends as they already know from him what he’s capable of.

I wouldn’t wait tbh. Childcare/residency may be an issue but OP’s safety is more important at this point IMO

To the best of my knowledge/experience if you have to stop a card on an account the bank would have to issue a new one

It has become increasingly common for credit card providers to allow you to freeze a card if you think it is lost then unfreeze it again if you find it.

GameOverRestart - Agree with others that this is controlling and abusive behaviour from him, as is stopping you from seeing friends because they didn't turn up to his birthday celebration and trying to stop you doing things when he isn't invited. You need to get out as quickly as possible.

But can you do it with someone else’s card even though it’s on the joint account? This is what seems wrong to me. I had a joint account with my eXH for a while after we split, and my statements etc would go to my address and his to his etc. I couldn’t change his details and he couldn’t change mine. But if banks are allowing joint account holders to block each other’s cards this is wrong. After all if you were say getting divorced you could just block your husband’s access to the joint account and ensure that he couldn’t draw out the family savings or whatever or he could do the same to you? I find that quite shocking actually if that’s the case.

Is he looking for work? I’d very helpfully find the money if possible and the childcare etc and start the children there , because ‘ I know you don’t enjoy looking after them and this will give you the headspace to go job hunting properly’

But can you do it with someone else’s card even though it’s on the joint account?

No you can't.

OP must have been using his card.

If you are keen on playing the long game here, I'd suggest pushing him to get another job. The way things stand, he could claim residency of the children by saying he gave up his career to look after them. He could also claim spousal support. Not great.

Was it a joint account that he blocked your card for?

There is both financial and emotional abuse there, and then he was so disloyal as to boast to a third party, behind your back, what he had done.

Have you got screen shots of any mrsssges from that night saying he couldn’t cope with the kids? Save them and any similiar messages.

He really isn’t on your side.

So is it possible this was actually a misunderstanding?

OP took her dh’s card, perhaps without telling him. Perhaps he was resentful of the fact that the OP actually took his card, or perhaps he actually thought that he’d lost it so cancelled it. In which case he didn’t actually do anything wrong.

It’s clear here that he didn’t actually cancel op’s card, he cancelled his own which he was perfectly within his rights to do. I think I would do the same if my partner took my card for a night out and say didn’t tell me. I’d be bloody fuming in fact.

I don’t think this is the abuse situation the OP paints here.

Something is not quite right about this story.
He cannot stop your card, only his. I know this as I had the misfortune to have a joint account with someone to pay the mortgage/household bills. Was told there was nothing I could do to stop him taking out the money I was putting in to pay the bills, I had to move the direct debits to a new account he had no access to. Bank even allowed him to run up a small overdraft, but they couldn't close the account without both our say-so.
I would consider that somebody noted your card did not work and gossiped to somebody else as to 'why' - had OP had mentioned to anyone that her OH wasn't happy about her going out perhaps? Or that noted the multiple texts from her OH all evening?
And now, 6 months on, that gossip has gone in a circle to someone who she thinks shouldn't know?

It is possible to put a stop on someone else's card. My DH was going abroad for work and couldn't find his wallet at the last minute. He had to go without and I had the job of stopping all his cards including the one for our joint account, his current account, and his credit card. Different banks, I was able to do this.

His wallet turned up in the bag he took with him.

Either that or it’s a reverse. If OP was the SAHM and he was the one who went out despite her being at home with the kids all day, and he’d taken her card posters would be saying he was an arse and she should leave him. But because the situation is reversed and he is the one at home with the kids he’s still the one in the wrong...?

did he work before and you both agreed he'd give up to be the SAHP.

I imagine the difference between my and Ariela's situation is I was reporting the cards lost/stolen, not trying to put a permanent stop to them?

BadAsMe but were you able to reactivate the cards again afterwards? Because that’s the key here. You could potentially be able to stop a card through speaking to the bank, but then the bank would automatically issue a new one. Different when it’s your card and you’re stopping it via the website or app or whatever and the bank has the means to put a hold on your card.

I’m guessing in your situation that the bank stopped the cards and immediately issued new ones and he then found them but they were useless. In this instance the OP apparently didn’t even know he’d put a stop on the card.

The OP hasn't actually said whether the card works fine after that or had to be reissued. I just assumed it would have had to be reissued.

No that doesn’t make sense either because if the OP had come home assuming her card wasn’t working she would have spoken to the bank who would then have confirmed that it wasn’t working because it had already been stopped by her DH.

If it was a joint account then presumably he could freeze it. She needs a conversation with the bank.

NoCauseRebel I know with Barclays, on the App you can place a temporary stop on a card if you think you've mislaid it but will find it again (done this when I've left mine at work in the past) and then literally log back into the app and say you've found it will reactivate it again so confirm it is back in your possession. I think if you don't reactivate within 48 hours they automatically stop it and issue and new one. if they have a joint account you can choose which card on the account to stop.