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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH blames my past trauma for everything that goes wrong, HELP, pls!

83 replies

AgentScarlett · 03/04/2019 18:58

Been together with DH for 15 years, we've had our ups and lots of downs. We sleep in separate rooms, he wants to make it work, and keeps telling me to just try because I will never meet anyone better, who will want to be with someone like me. I had a hard life as a child with trauma. I have had 7 years of weekly therapy, and despite the problems I suffered I have never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, it has not stopped me from having a good education, I have a great job, and fabulous social life. He has anxiety, and social anxiety, hardly any friends, and is very shy/introverted. In fact he had addict parents, who he says have not affected his adult life!

Anyway, he says all the problems in our relationship are because of my past, my past affected me so much that I am unable to have healthy relationships, but he is willing to put up with me, in a way someone else would not. He actually said if anyone knew about your past they would run a mile. I know these comments are utterly twatish.

I can't understand why he seems to believe that when we have a relationship issue its to do with us or him, not my past. Example, I tell him to make dc's dinner, as I'm working late, I come home they have not eaten, I get annoyed with him, he says I am like this because of my past. He colonises all my frustrations to my past, not accepting any role in it. This is what he has always done, he is driving me mad!

Any advice you lovely lot....?

OP posts:

Samind · 03/04/2019 19:03

Why are you with him OP? You sound like you're doing well for yourself and I'd say he's threatened to the point he'll pull you down.

Chocolateisfab · 03/04/2019 19:05

You do know that's abusive right?

mbosnz · 03/04/2019 19:05

It seems to me that he is very focussed on making you focus on your issues (which have not prevented you being successfully engaged in life), hoping to deflect from his issues and his inadequacies. But I'm no psychologist.

I would hate for my traumas to be thrown in my face like that, that's rotten. Especially when I'd worked so hard, and done so well, to overcome and survive them.

Cannyhandleit · 03/04/2019 19:06

He sounds utterly shitty!!

AnotherEmma · 03/04/2019 19:06

Advice? He is abusive and you should end the marriage.

Have you discussed the relationship in your therapy?

MIA12 · 03/04/2019 19:08

I’m sure you’d feel a lot better without this dead weight dragging you down. How dare he make comments about no one else being interested in you. He is negging you. Trying to undermine your self-esteem and confidence.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2019 19:09

Your husband is an abusive, gaslighting arsehole. You deserve FAR better than this. The truth is, HE is lucky to have you, because I don't know any woman who would put up with this bullshit. Set yourself free and dump this twat.

darkriver19886 · 03/04/2019 19:12

OP I am sorry to say that your husband is a horrible abuser. You don't not and shouldn't have to put up with it

mummmy2017 · 03/04/2019 19:12

You need to say .. yes I have a past.... BUT.... What ever answer you need to put across...

But your were so lazy you just didn't bother cooking...

But your the one who chooses to never go out.

But if you accept me with all my problems then there will be someone else who can see past that to the woman I am.

Bagpuss5 · 03/04/2019 19:15

Does he secretly have fears that he is screwed by HIS past and deflects from this by blaming you.

QuaintDuck · 03/04/2019 19:16

I'd be telling him that his upbringing has resulted in him being unable to take responsibility for any of his own reactions. Then I'd pack his bags and leave them on the curb!

HazardGhost · 03/04/2019 19:17

He's abusive sorry.

Have you heard of the freedom programme? It can help you spot the wrong uns and understand that it's him not you.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 03/04/2019 19:18

Your husband is a Grade A Dick.

There isn't much relationship to salvage, and why would you want to?

category12 · 03/04/2019 19:18

You sound amazing and like the main thing that is holding you back in life is being tied to this man, who is determined to use your past as a weapon against you and keep you down.

HazardGhost · 03/04/2019 19:19

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Can do it online or in person.

SummerHouse · 03/04/2019 19:22

This is the first time I have said this but LTB. Let him down gently with "it's not me, it's you."

Do you love him?

If yes then he needs to get help and change. If no then you need out of this now.

Ilikeslippers · 03/04/2019 19:22

Yes, absolutely he is emotionally abusive. It is a classic abusers strategy to tell their partners that no-one else would want them - to make you feel utterly dependent on them. He's also deflecting attention from his own failings by blaming you.

I once had a flatmate who was an Amazonian beauty - a stunningly beautiful woman. She used to have a partner who told her she was so ugly no-one else but him would have her.

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 03/04/2019 19:30

Your problem isn't your past, it's him. You sound awesome, you can do better, he knows it and that why he puts you down. Don't settle.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/04/2019 19:32

I can't understand why he seems to believe that when we have a relationship issue its to do with us or him, not my past.

He doesn't believe it. He uses it to get away with treating you badly. If he blames you then he doesn't have to acknowledge that he couldn't be arsed to feed the DC.

He's a bastard. You deserve far, far better. I'd be telling him it looks like the relationship has run its course.

And when he blames it on your past tell him that as you can't bear the damage your issues are causing him you've decided to let him go...

redexpat · 03/04/2019 19:34

How very convenient for him.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 03/04/2019 19:37

He's trying to drag you down so you end up like him and dependant only on him

If someone told me I couldn't do any better I'd be off like a shot.

dreichuplands · 03/04/2019 19:48

I have worked with adults who experienced who experienced trauma as dc, they have gone on to have good relationships.
You are not damaged goods or a second class partner and you deserve someone who values you properly.

Ceebs85 · 03/04/2019 19:48

Definitely abusive. He's manipulating you to believe he's doing you a favour by being with you when actually he's the lucky one and he knows it. He's anxious about you disappearing. I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled the "life isn't worth living without you" card out when you leave.

Get rid. You deserve waaaaaaay better!

Original poster

AgentScarlett · 03/04/2019 19:49

Wow! I’m so surprised to hear the repeated messages confirming this is emotional abuse. He has led me to believe that because of my past trauma I find experience everything as abusive. You are all right, he is abusing me. I wonder if he’s driven by his insecurities and unaware of what he’s doing, or if he’s deliberately setting out to do this.
Should I tell him I know what he’s trying to do, I’m guessing he’ll turn it around, so is there any point?
I don’t love him anymore but I’m still here because of 3 dcs. He desperately wants another dc, I have refused for years and will not do this.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies and support.

OP posts:

GeorgeTheFirst · 03/04/2019 19:50

You've had therapy for a long time - have you discussed this with your therapist?

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