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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH blames my past trauma for everything that goes wrong, HELP, pls!

83 replies

AgentScarlett · 03/04/2019 18:58

Been together with DH for 15 years, we've had our ups and lots of downs. We sleep in separate rooms, he wants to make it work, and keeps telling me to just try because I will never meet anyone better, who will want to be with someone like me. I had a hard life as a child with trauma. I have had 7 years of weekly therapy, and despite the problems I suffered I have never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, it has not stopped me from having a good education, I have a great job, and fabulous social life. He has anxiety, and social anxiety, hardly any friends, and is very shy/introverted. In fact he had addict parents, who he says have not affected his adult life!

Anyway, he says all the problems in our relationship are because of my past, my past affected me so much that I am unable to have healthy relationships, but he is willing to put up with me, in a way someone else would not. He actually said if anyone knew about your past they would run a mile. I know these comments are utterly twatish.

I can't understand why he seems to believe that when we have a relationship issue its to do with us or him, not my past. Example, I tell him to make dc's dinner, as I'm working late, I come home they have not eaten, I get annoyed with him, he says I am like this because of my past. He colonises all my frustrations to my past, not accepting any role in it. This is what he has always done, he is driving me mad!

Any advice you lovely lot....?

OP posts:
category12 · 03/04/2019 21:09

The pushing alcohol on you is really creepy.

movingornot · 03/04/2019 22:05

After reading the last comment about him pushing alcohol on you, please set up a secret camera in your room to check that he is not drugging and raping you in the night. I sadly know someone this happened to and she had no idea until she found videos in his computer. I know it seems far fetched but that does not sound right all all...

And then even if he isn't, then as soon as you can, run like fuck. He's bad news OP and you and the kids will flourish without his abuse...Thanks

Original poster
AgentScarlett · 03/04/2019 22:53

Thank you
I never drink what he gives me.
That sounds so horrific though.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/04/2019 23:42

So does he think women would be lining up to be with him suffering from anxiety and social anxiety. As well as being introverted. He sounds socially awkward.

It's more like he knows you'd be just fine without him, but he wouldn't without you... so in this warped way...he implies he's doing you a favour and you better stay put, as nobody else would want you.

The responses I would give when he says this, would only increase his anxiety.

He wants a 4th child, yet he can't feed the ones you have when left alone. He's on another planet.

SandyY2K · 03/04/2019 23:48

So he tries to get you to drink daily? Even when you say no...terrible man.

Next time perhaps tell him not to buy you alcohol, but if he wants to spend...he could buy a nice flower vase and ensure it's topped up with flowers every couple of weeks. Or you can tell him there are some worthy charities he could donate the money he uses to buy the alcohol with, like the NSPCC .. or Women's Aid.

I'm sure that will be the end of alcohol purchases for you.

ScottChegg · 04/04/2019 05:04

Hang on, does he drink any of this alcohol? Is he drinking every day?

I wonder if he has the idea that he wil get you addicted.

LadyMinerva · 04/04/2019 05:49

I know you want to stay for the DC but just remember you are both setting an example for how they treat and wanted to be treated by their future spouses.

Children absorb the emotions within their environment. They know you are miserable and it's quite likely they would thrive if their parents were to life separate lives.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 04/04/2019 06:14

He’s obviously trying to keep you dependant op - that’s what another baby’s about.
Check your contraception.

Original poster
AgentScarlett · 04/04/2019 07:25

SandyY2K Thank you
And yes he often says he is such a catch he’d find a woman straight away, and will have a baby straight away. Me on the other hand, being a sociable person, nobody would want me, which he’s no managed to make me believe.

He does drink but not heavily or regularly.

I also know that he reads most of activity on the WiFi, because he once told me he did, years ago, because he felt suspicious of me. And I can spot a change in his mood/presentation when I’ve sent a message about him to a friend. I think he might be reading this thread, because he’s acting strangely. I can’t prove he’s monitoring me but assume he is.

I know you will all say that is unacceptable and I know it is. It’s weird, unhealthy and controlling. It never stopped me from doing what I want, or going where I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
AgentScarlett · 04/04/2019 07:26

Beerincomechampagnetastes

We don’t sleep together
Haven’t for a more than a year
And I’ve no intention to
He’s in a different room, he would like to, but I have said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
AgentScarlett · 04/04/2019 07:31

And when I tell him I no longer feel attracted to him and can’t alwep with him, he also says it’s because of my past abuse. That he will wait and be patient. And says “you’ve never been able to function properly in your sex life, you don’t know how to show love, but that’s ok, it’s because your past has harmed you, and your mistaking it for something to do with us and our relationship which it isn’t, it will get better”

Wanker!

He will not accept that it has anything to do with how he has treated me, and this has made me fall out of love with him.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 04/04/2019 07:39

He says "you can't do any better than him" well I would put that to the test! He would have worn me out by now. Amongst other things a marriage should be respectful and full of love for each other. You have none of these.

cordeliavorkosigan · 04/04/2019 07:39

the alcohol thing is creepy (actually I also find the whole past thing really creepy and such a low down awful thing to do to someone).
it's great that you're standing your ground and hopefully will get out soon.
please don't stay for the dc. they really would not want this for you any more than you would want it for your own mother, sister or loved one. and you don't want them to grow up thinking this is what relationships are.

SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 07:43

he often says he is such a catch he’d find a woman straight away, and will have a baby straight away

I'd tell him to crack on with it quite frankly.

It's like he thinks he's some kind of martyr for being with you. Of all the billions of men on thus earth, he thinks he's the only one who would want you! He's quite simply deluded.

I'd reinforce that you aren't changing your mind about a physical relationship and to that end, he can make a choice. Although I would also say as you've decided you aren't sleeping with him, you could also make a decision about the future of your marriage because it's not healthy at the moment.

Don't for one minute let him erode your self esteem.

Acis · 04/04/2019 07:49

Talk to a lawyer about your financial situation if you split up, including in particular his liability for child maintenance. I suspect that once you know where you are on that account you will feel more secure about getting this nonsense out of your life.

category12 · 04/04/2019 12:20

Honestly the more you say about your relationship, the worse it sounds. You're really strong to have come this far without being crushed under by him, but you would be so much better off, your kids too, ending the relationship.

StormTreader · 04/04/2019 12:35

"keeps telling me to just try because I will never meet anyone better, who will want to be with someone like me."

Anyone who says this is 100% wrong, always, and for a simple reason: this is saying "I don't think you are good enough to get anyone else".
Anyone that is worth being with will ALWAYS be able to see that you are a person with value and worth that deserves love and to be loved. Its better to be with no-one than with someone who doesn't value you simply because of who you are.

It sounds like what he is really saying is "I won't get anyone else" and hes trying really really hard to smash you down so low with the insults and alcohol that you'll be too weak to ever leave him. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the damage to your self-esteem from your trauma that wasn't a part of what attracted him in the first place.

sprouts21 · 04/04/2019 18:05

I also know that he reads most of activity on the WiFi, because he once told me he did, years ago, because he felt suspicious of me. And I can spot a change in his mood/presentation when I’ve sent a message about him to a friend

Is this actually possible? I think you need to have your devices checked out for spyware.

Dragongirl10 · 04/04/2019 18:09

Oh op he is abusive and frankly the alcohol thing is truly scary, run

billybagpuss · 04/04/2019 18:15

Its irrelevant as to whether 'anyone else would put up with you' (which I'm sure they absolutely would) you don't need anyone else. You have a good education, job and social life, you clearly haven't had a close relationship with him for a long time. You don't need him and that scares him.

You do however deserve to be treated with respect and to be happy.

How are your ducks, do you own the house together and finances etc?

And if you are reading this Mr. Scarlett, you're an idiot and don't deserve her.

TowelNumber42 · 04/04/2019 18:26

Given that you feel trapped in an unhappy marriage where your children are learning bad models then I'd say this is you fooling yourself:

It’s weird, unhealthy and controlling. It never stopped me from doing what I want, or going where I want.

You are not doing what you want. Far from it.

iklboo · 04/04/2019 19:21

Ex told me nobody would put up with me either. I've been with DH longer than I ever was with that wanker. Not to mention a damn sight happier.

Original poster
AgentScarlett · 04/04/2019 20:34

TowelNumber42
You are right, I’ve been in denial, until I LTB I am not doing what I want. I just want to be happy.

BillyBagPuss
Yes we own the house together!
He earns four times more than me.

Iklboo what was your life like after you LTB?

OP posts:
iklboo · 04/04/2019 21:35

Agent - honestly? Bloody marvellous- although I didn't have DC. I actually 'found' myself, if that doesn't seem trite. I could listen to the music I wanted, wear what I wanted, eat what I wanted. I went out with friends and had fun.

I joined a hobby group for one of my real interests that I hadn't been 'allowed' to do before. And that's where I met DH. He encouraged me even more to be myself and have fun. We've been married 15 years this year.

billybagpuss · 05/04/2019 06:50

How are you this morning OP? you are right you do need to LTB and I can’t imagine what it does to you being reminded of a past trauma every day.