DH blames my past trauma for everything that goes wrong, HELP, pls!

[AgentScarlett]

Been together with DH for 15 years, we've had our ups and lots of downs. We sleep in separate rooms, he wants to make it work, and keeps telling me to just try because I will never meet anyone better, who will want to be with someone like me. I had a hard life as a child with trauma. I have had 7 years of weekly therapy, and despite the problems I suffered I have never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, it has not stopped me from having a good education, I have a great job, and fabulous social life. He has anxiety, and social anxiety, hardly any friends, and is very shy/introverted. In fact he had addict parents, who he says have not affected his adult life!

Anyway, he says all the problems in our relationship are because of my past, my past affected me so much that I am unable to have healthy relationships, but he is willing to put up with me, in a way someone else would not. He actually said if anyone knew about your past they would run a mile. I know these comments are utterly twatish.

I can't understand why he seems to believe that when we have a relationship issue its to do with us or him, not my past. Example, I tell him to make dc's dinner, as I'm working late, I come home they have not eaten, I get annoyed with him, he says I am like this because of my past. He colonises all my frustrations to my past, not accepting any role in it. This is what he has always done, he is driving me mad!

Any advice you lovely lot....?

Yes I’ve discussed this with my therapist, she asked me to bring him along to some sessions, which he did. She was astonished by him, the conclusion was that my feelings towards him are a reflection of how he has treated me, that I am allowing myself to be retraumatised by being in this dysfunctional relationship. Obviously he totally disagreed, and tried to change his behaviour to be nicer, but it didn’t last long.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and/or do the Freedom Programme as a PP suggested.

Discuss it with your therapist too (especially if you haven't yet done so).

Oh cross post

His desire for a 4th child is to keep you there. Barefoot and pregnant and all that.

please leave this person, he is abusing you. As above poster said the 4th child is to keep you pregnant and beholden.

I think he's probably projecting onto you.. he's too afraid to deal with his own childhood issues maybe so blames yours. I don't know him obviously but I doubt it's deliberate. Sounds like he needs a massive wake up call though!

He has never been physically abusive
But has shouted at me, though not recently, but it was aggressive in the past, and unreasonable. I always stood up for myself I think he realises he could not control me with his shouting.
But has managed to in other ways, which I had not fully realised.

It doesn't really matter if it's deliberate or not - the effect on the OP is the same. Intention isn't magic.

These comments he is willing to put up with me, in a way someone else would not and if anyone knew about your past they would run a mile are textbook abuser phrases.

I'm afraid I think he's doing it on purpose. It's on script. "No one else would have you", and "you're so (insert insult here) that you're lucky to have me" - these are the daily diet of millions of abusive relationships.

Plus he uses this script to get out of behaving like a responsible parent or treating you as a loved equal. So it's a strategy that meets his needs.

I can see why you don't want to break up your family because of the DC, but it's a very unhealthy situation.

Perhaps raise this with your therapist over several sessions. And start to coolly and politely challenge his assumptions, every time he says any of this nonsense.

There are people here who know far better than me how to tackle this issue, but please believe that it's not you that's the problem.

Sorry, cross posted re therapist.

Please, please don't believe the bollocks that nobody else would want you and he's doing you a favour by staying with you. You're not a mangy pup in the dogs' home.

You deserve so much more than this gaslighting arsehole who's projecting his shortcomings into you.

Constantly turning it around and blaming you for his wrongdoings is unacceptable. But then bringing up your past trauma and using it as a 'reason' for your 'behaviour' is fucking sick and twisted!

Tell him if he ever mentions it again the relationship is over. And mean it.

Op, he's the one with the problem here, not you. I don't think you should stay with him.

Your therapist told you exactly what has been/is happening yet you've ignored it and stayed with him?

You are fooling yourself that staying is best for your children. They are seeing everything. Don't let them think this is the norm. Your mental health is vital. Imag8ne how happy you would be without dealing with his bullshit every day.

I personally don’t think he is abusing you (people are so quick to shout abuse on this site) I think he is self reflecting when really he is the one who feels he cannot have a healthy relationship because of his past. Maybe he frustrated with himself so he’s taking it out on you.

🙄

Maybe he frustrated with himself so he’s taking it out on you

Erm yeh, that's abusive

Your husband is abusive and what he does to you and in turn his kids works for him. He sees you as a challenge to bring down to his base level.

Staying for the children is a mistake here, they are not going to say thanks mum to you for doing that to them. It also shows me that you are afraid of change.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons. Do not do your bit here further to pass that onto your children. They need to be taught healthy lessons about relationships, what are you both teaching them here. A shedload of crap relationship lessons that is what along with showing them that a loveless relationship is their norm too.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

There’s a question for you to think on.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
You are right, I am afraid of the big change that ending it will bring, and worried about how he will react, if he will support us.
What do I get out of the relationship right now, nothing emotionally or intimate, I get financial security and support for the family, and I get some coparenting.
I know that sounds terrible.
I’m so scared to rock the boat, things have got so convenient.

Strangely, and I don’t know what he is trying to achieve by this, but he encourages me to drink alcohol every day. I am not really a drinker, but he always pours me a glass, or says he’s bought me a bottle of something special, and says it’s okay if you have a drink every day. As I don’t like alcohol I have not gone down this route. But it’s very odd to encourage it.

he always pours me a glass, or says he’s bought me a bottle of something special, and says it’s okay if you have a drink every day.

So he can say that you're a useless drunk and can't be left alone with the children?

You really get nothing out of this relationship at all unsurprisingly and staying solely for the kids is not a good enough reason to be with him now.

Would you want this sort of relationship for your kids to emulate as adults, no you would not want this for them. It’s not good enough for you either.

Your kids also pick up on all the vibes at home and they certainly pick up on the antipathy between their dad and you.

He will in all likelihood make the process of separation from you as long and protracted as possible as punishment to you for you having the gall in his eyes to leave him. The freedom from him in your day to day lives will be worth it.

And as for him playing you with alcohol each evening, he is being an arse about that too. He really does want to portray you as an unfit mother.

Reading that again -

run

Use the resources of women’s aid to get away from this man. I would also suggest you seek legal advice ASAP re separation from your abuser. Knowledge here is power.

It's not odd, it's planning. You're starting to wise up to his shit so he's orchestrating another rod to beat you with. Prepare for the 'you're an unfit mother/partner because you drink too much'. He's determined to drag you down. To make you feel so small, so insecure, so unworthy that he can abuse you with out fear that you'll leave.

If he's doing all this deliberately or inherently, it doesn't really matter - the end result is the same: to make you feel so shit you're grateful that he 'wants' to be with you.

You managed to survive your past. You're a fecking strong capable woman. Don't let him persuade you otherwise. Don't allow him to take that from you.