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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancée said ‘I love you’ to another woman

93 replies

LucyR86 · 03/04/2019 08:18

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting and I guess I’m just after some advise / support as I can’t speak to anyone else about this.

I have been with my fiancée since school, we are 23 now so around 10yrs. We live together in a rented flat. No kids.

Throughout the relationship there have been numerous occasions I have found him texting other women. In fact so many I can’t count them all it usually ends up in a huge argument / short break up and then we get back together.

During one of these arguments I slept with someone else, mainly driven by anger to be honest. This was about 4 years ago and to this day my parter still uses that as an excuse for this constant cheating.

The most recent time was the worst, there were approx a month worth of messages on his phone to a girl, a lot younger than us. He was telling her that he loved her! Arranging to meet up, texting pretty much constantly.

He denies that he ever actually met her in person and it was all just texts, although I don’t see how you can say I love you to someone you haven’t met?!

I don’t trust him, I’m beginning to resent him and everything he does. I don’t really know what I’m asking. I know what I need to do but I’m finding it so difficult because this is all I’ve known for 10 years.

Help!!

OP posts:
Chocolateisfab · 03/04/2019 08:22

Is there any point in you staying together? It's not much of a relationship imo.

mimibunz · 03/04/2019 08:23

This sounds like a terrible, unhealthy relationship. Do you have friends and family who would support you breaking up permanently? I’m sorry this has been your first relationship. You deserve so much better!

Bezalelle · 03/04/2019 08:23

Ten years doesn't matter. Don't waste any more of your life with him.

NameChangeNugget · 03/04/2019 08:23

What is the point of the relationship and why are you engaged?

You’ve definitely cheated, he as a minimum has emotionally cheated, it just doesn’t seem worth the aggro

Seventytwoseventythree · 03/04/2019 08:24

Sweetheart you need to leave him. He has no respect for you. I can see why you might forgive cheating once and give him a chance, but the repeated cheating shows he will never change and you will still be dealing with this in 20, 30, 40 years if you marry him.

You are young you have loads of time to start over. Please don’t worry you will be fine and you are worth more than this man!

TDMN · 03/04/2019 08:29

No real advice to offer OP but I was in a very similar situation a few years ago and this is what I would go back and tell my younger self if I could:
"Your self esteem is so low because of this idiot. He doesnt love you, he doesn't respect you, and worst of all he's not that bothered about you as a person, he's literally with you because it's the easiest option. He only fights when you leave because he cant cope with rejection from anyone, its not because YOU are trying to leave. Your friends can see he's an idiot. Your life is 95% paranoia - even when he's not texting other girls you are worrying about it. You live in constant fear.
One day you're going to break up with him and all you will feel is relief. And then a few years later you will wake up in bed next to someone who adores you and the sun is shining and the days where you spent 95% of your time paranoid are a distant memory"

Might be a bit silly. But i'd give myself a bloody good shake.

Ultimately do you think you could be happy (properly happy) in this relationship in 5 years time? How about a year? How about 6 months? Because from the sounds of it too much has happened for you to completely move past it. So all of this will be hanging over you like a black cloud forever.

Wishing you the best of luck. Its so so hard but its so worth it. You are worth more than this and he clearly cant see that.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/04/2019 08:32

You've been with him for ten years, but from what you say that's about five years too long. Don't waste any more time. This relationship has run its course and now it's poisoning your life. Plenty more fish in the sea.

You're still so young. Get out there and explore the world.

bluebell34567 · 03/04/2019 08:36

you are still very young, get out of this relationship asap.
you worth more than that and by leaving you will be creating chance to meet someone nice that you deserve.

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 03/04/2019 08:40

Oh come on. Wake up and smell the coffee.

katy78 · 03/04/2019 08:41

I know how it feels to break up with your first love. The fear you won’t ever find anyone else and the pain at the idea of living without them.
You absolutely have to end it and go no contact. You need to block him so you don’t slip back into being together.
You are at an age where you can regain your life, enjoy yourself, go out with friends, go travelling, meet new people. You will not be able to have this opportunities so easy if you stay with him, marry him and end up separating anyway later down the line. After I split up with my first love I couldn’t believe after I got over the pain, how free I felt. It allowed me to meet my next boyfriend who was 10 times the person my ex was.
This is how your future looks with this guy: constant monitoring him and checking his phone. Repeatedly finding women he is inappropriately communicating and meeting with. Never feeling secure. Never feeling content. I promise you it does not have to be like this. Use this opportunity to leave and improve your life.

2cats2many · 03/04/2019 08:41

Don't waste any more of your life on this loser.

missmartini · 03/04/2019 08:43

I think for both your sakes and and both your own mental health you need to split and not get back together.

PaintingOwls · 03/04/2019 08:46

Throughout the relationship there have been numerous occasions I have found him texting other women.

Dump him.

VictoriaBun · 03/04/2019 08:47

I met someone when I was young (17) ,we married at 19 , had kids etc. Over the years we obviously grew up and realised we were not the same people we were back then . People change, even more so when you are 15 - 25/30. You become an adult. He doesn't sound like he is the person for you, especially by still wanting to play the field and wanting other gf 's . Time to leave and get on with your life.

GinUnicorn · 03/04/2019 08:51

I think it’s really tough with your first love to let it go. Unfortunately from everything you say it sounds like this relationship ran it’s course a while ago. You are still so young with no ties so it won’t be as bad as you think to end things.

Sometimes no matter how much you care about someone it’s just not meant to be. I wish you lots of fun and happiness Flowers

needsahouseboy · 03/04/2019 08:55

Dump him!! He’s a total dickhead!!
Also how much younger is this girl? What age? School age?? Sounds like he’s grooming a young girl!

CrazyBaubles · 03/04/2019 08:56

You know you need to leave. This is all you've known for 10 years - but if you don't do something, you'll be 50 and this will be all you've knows for 40 years.

Practicality wise, are you able to move out? Afford a flat / house-share? Back to parents? If the answer is yes, do it. Even if you only think of it as a temporary break for 6 months, take it and use the 6 months to move forward.

I think the steps you need to take are:

  1. Find somewhere else to live
  2. Tell him you're moving out and want a break from the relationship.
  3. Ask him not to contact you for a month.
  4. When he inevitably sends either begging or ranty messages, block him.
  5. Spend time going out with friends, seeing your family. If you can afford it, go on holiday.
  6. Realise how much better you feel not having to worry about which lies he's telling / checking his phone / getting angry about whichever girl he's talking to now.

The reality is that he can't be trusted. You doubt everything he says because you know he's a liar. That's no way to live is it?

Ellabella989 · 03/04/2019 08:58

It sounds toxic and you still have so much of your life ahead of you where you could have fun being single or meet someone else who makes you feel happy and secure. Start taking the necessary steps to leave him and maybe seek some therapy to help you to not go back to him. Good luck!

BorsetshireBlew · 03/04/2019 09:00

You've outgrown him. You were literal children when you got together. Time to grow up and learn who you really are! Life is great, don't tie yourself to some cheating loser just because you are too scared to grow up on your own.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/04/2019 09:05

Thank goodness you have no children, OP. Leave now, the world and a better relationship is out there waiting for you.

AceOfSpades123 · 03/04/2019 09:07

You should have got out of this relationship years ago. It’s stagnant, it’s over, it’s awful. Don’t you deserve better than a guy who obviously wants to be with other women? You deserve the chance to meet somebody better than this. Do it. Rent your own place. Change everything around. Go travelling, get a new job, go back to college. At your age the world is your oyster. Give yourself the opportunity to meet new people.

mindutopia · 03/04/2019 09:07

You definitely shouldn’t be getting married. Neither of you are ready for that. But you’re 23, go live your life, have an amazing time, think about settling down in another 10 years or so when you meet someone who is a better fit for you.

RhubarbTea · 03/04/2019 09:08

Good god, why are you giving him any of your time? What is the point?

gilchrist168 · 03/04/2019 09:11

Time to move on I think. This is not a healthy relationship for either of you .

JemSynergy · 03/04/2019 09:11

Don't waste anymore of your youth on him because before you know it another 10 years will have passed you by and you'll still be in this mess potentially with kids involved and then it will be even harder to leave. You're still very young and there is a big wide world out there to enjoy!

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