Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Fiancée said ‘I love you’ to another woman

93 replies

LucyR86 · 03/04/2019 08:18

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting and I guess I’m just after some advise / support as I can’t speak to anyone else about this.

I have been with my fiancée since school, we are 23 now so around 10yrs. We live together in a rented flat. No kids.

Throughout the relationship there have been numerous occasions I have found him texting other women. In fact so many I can’t count them all it usually ends up in a huge argument / short break up and then we get back together.

During one of these arguments I slept with someone else, mainly driven by anger to be honest. This was about 4 years ago and to this day my parter still uses that as an excuse for this constant cheating.

The most recent time was the worst, there were approx a month worth of messages on his phone to a girl, a lot younger than us. He was telling her that he loved her! Arranging to meet up, texting pretty much constantly.

He denies that he ever actually met her in person and it was all just texts, although I don’t see how you can say I love you to someone you haven’t met?!

I don’t trust him, I’m beginning to resent him and everything he does. I don’t really know what I’m asking. I know what I need to do but I’m finding it so difficult because this is all I’ve known for 10 years.

Help!!

OP posts:

Al2O3 · 03/04/2019 09:39

Get out and see the world and then make informed choices

neveradullmoment99 · 03/04/2019 09:40

Leave him. This relationship isnt good for either of you. Trust has broken down.

AvocadoDream · 03/04/2019 09:41

It’s a no-brainer. Ditch him. He hasn’t played the field (if he was in the relationship from school) and he will badly want to do so. It will be much much worse if he marries you, then he will feel ensnared into the bargain and will do his best to get some freedom somewhere for himself. He is too young, too immature to even contemplate marriage. He needs some growing up to do.

Don’t waste any more of your time on him, you have learned from your relationship, so it has had its purpose. Time to move on. You are on vastly different pages of the book, sorry.

LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2019 09:42

Excellent advice from Crazy

*I think the steps you need to take are:

Find somewhere else to live
Tell him you're moving out and want a break from the relationship.
Ask him not to contact you for a month.
When he inevitably sends either begging or ranty messages, block him.
Spend time going out with friends, seeing your family. If you can afford it, go on holiday.
Realise how much better you feel not having to worry about which lies he's telling / checking his phone / getting angry about whichever girl he's talking to now*

spanishwife · 03/04/2019 09:42

It must be scary after all this time to imagine yourself properly single for basically the first time ever. There is a whole world out there OP - don't condemn yourself to a miserable life with a horrible man. Break free and find yourself without him. Be single for a year, enjoy it!

Btw - as 'Fiancée' is a french word, when you refer to a man it's 'Fiancé', Fiancée is when you refer to a woman. (like blonde/blond)

purplepears · 03/04/2019 09:43

You're 23 and should be having the time of your life.
Leave him. There's no happiness to be had staying with him.

honeylane · 03/04/2019 09:44

How much younger IS this girl???

There is no point to your relationship whatsoever. He's a loser and will never change you deserve so much more.

LynnAK · 03/04/2019 09:49

You know you need to leave him. I put up with a cheating partner for a very long time because I loved him and there was food as well as bad. I wish I’d got out the first time. Now tool old to have kids with anyone else. Don’t wast the best years of your life.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 03/04/2019 09:51

Sorry for your hurt OP but this surely must be one if the most straightforward problems to solve that's ever been on here. Not married. No kids = no reason to put up with this toxic relationship. Split and move on.

ScatteredMama82 · 03/04/2019 09:55

I know how hard it is to imagine leaving someone you have been with your whole adult life so far. My first boyfriend, I met when I was 16. He was 20 (and a total loser, but at 16 I couldn't see that). We got engaged when I was 19. Thankfully we never actually got married and when I was 22 we broke up. I'd broken up with him twice before that, as deep down I knew he was no good for me but I was scared! I had no experience of other men at all and he was familiar and 'safe'. Within about 3 weeks of us finally separating permanently I was SO happy and relieved to be rid of him! Do it. It will seem terrifying but you will be ok. Date, see what other people are like and you will find someone better for you. I dated a guy for about a year, a bit of fun and we had a nice time but it was never serious and it was nice to have that sort of 'casual' time. I then met my now DH and I knew it was right. xx

AryaStarkWolf · 03/04/2019 09:57

You have no kids, no mortgage together and aren't married yet, leave now when you can make a clean break. The trust is gone and the respect is gone

Ihatelife · 03/04/2019 09:58

You deserve better.

QueenBeex · 03/04/2019 09:58

Your fiancee should be your ex

Cannyhandleit · 03/04/2019 10:00

Why are you still together? You've been together since you were children, you are now adults and no doubt very different people! It's clear from your post there is nothing left, move on!

Moralitym1n1 · 03/04/2019 10:01

Wow you got together sooo young, kids really.

No doubt he's much of a fixture and habit in your life that it's very difficult to let it go, bug it sounds like you should; because he's cheating/trying to cheat pretty much constantly. That's so upsetting, stressful, self esteem destroying etc.

I think very few people, especially men, are totally suited to getting into a long-term monogamous relationship very young, they inevitably want to 'sample' what's out there, for lack of a nicer way if putting it. The unselfish thing to do would be to end the relationship with you or say he wants to be single for a while and you two could both (if available and if you wanted to) touch base later and see if you want to get back together; but he's not doing that. He's just selfishly and immorally keeping you while shopping around ) and worse by the sounds of it). Maybe he's the sort who'd be a cheater even if he wasn't in a relationship from so young.

It seriously sounds like it's best you get out and be happy, he's not going to end it, he's just going to keep on being selfish and deceitful and take the piss. (He's also probably very happy to ' sample' other people while making sure you don't get to do likewise).

You'll meet someone else if you give yourself opportunities to: you're very young at 23.

Itssosunny · 03/04/2019 10:03

You are 23 and have a whole life ahead of you. Do you really want a husband like him? Do you want children with him? Are you prepared to become a single mum one day because he will leave you for someone else?
At 23 most of young people have fun.
My friend's marriage broke up because she got married very soon after school and he got bored eventually. They spent like 12 years together.

overreactingperhaps · 03/04/2019 10:03

You're still young.
You have so much life ahead of you...
You deserve to have someone by your side who supports you, and brings you up.

I was in a similar position at your age, I moved into a friends spare room for a couple of months until I finished my uni course, then moved back to my parents before moving to a big city to start fresh.
This was perfect for me...
Living with a (single) friend whilst getting over a breakup, if possible, is amazing.
You can continue a couple'y type life.
Watching netflix together, heading out for dinner/nights out...
So you don't instantly feel lonely.

If you live in a big city, maybe look at moving into a house share, being around lots of people is a great distraction, you can always head into your room for privacy/alone time.

Focus on what you want.
Relationships like this, you stop putting yourself first.
I realised that I always wanted to move to big city. So I did.

Have you ever wanted to work abroad? Travel? Move city?
Now's your chance, start a fresh, you've got far much of your life ahead of you to spend it miserable like this!

Moralitym1n1 · 03/04/2019 10:04

As others have said - be so grateful you don't have a child/ten by him of this would be so much worse. He may never stop, but even if he does he's acted badly toward you. Many people couldn't get over that, and they'd be completely right in that (to me anyway).

125678katie · 03/04/2019 10:12

Why on earth are you together? You’re only young, stop being comfortable and move on from him. Is this really the kind of relationship you want and think you deserve?

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 03/04/2019 10:12

That is ridiculous, hurtful and humiliating.

Waaaaaaaay past time to move on.

chocorabbit · 03/04/2019 10:13

You don't need to be with anyone or even have any friends if they are not good enough. You don't live in a cultrure where you are expected to marry somebody and "settle down". It's up to you what you do any given time. So why tie yourself up with someone like him? In this day and age women can do whatever they want. You do not NEED a man in your life. If you are again genuinely attracted to someone (single) though there is nothing to stop you. You don't belong to anybody and you are free to make your own choices. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Ditch this waste of space and also take responsibility for your own behaviour.

RavenLG · 03/04/2019 10:15

It’s awful breaking up with a first love, especially when you’ve been together since school and for so long. But why would you come here to write / rant if you didn’t realise already this isn’t working? I think you know what to do.

When I was 19 my boyfriend from school (we had been together since 14) broke up with me. He was living with me and my parents at the time. I was absolutely heart wrenching, I honestly thought my world had ended, life was over, blah blah. Reality was the relationship had run it’s course. A few months later I realised how better I felt, and a few years later we ended up working together and speaking friendly. The point is life moves on, and so will you. You’ve already identified the relationship isn’t working, you just need to make the next step for you.

I will also say, things like the texting other girls etc, it’s really disrespectful and why subject yourself to a lifetime of that? A true partner doesn’t disrespect you by doing that, hurt you by telling other women he loves them. What are you getting out of this? You’ve already said you don’t trust him, and a relationship can’t survive with no trust.

BerrowHarm · 03/04/2019 10:17

You are 23 and have a whole lifetime ahead of you.

Please don’t spend any more of it with this cheater.

Huskylover1 · 03/04/2019 10:20

Uugh, he sounds just like my first boyfriend.

I actually married him, and it made no difference. The cheating/attempting to cheat, just went on, and on and on. I gave it 20 years, and then I could take no more and I left him. Thankfully, I was still in my 30's and had time to meet someone else.

I had my children with him, who, I will never regret, however, relationship wise, he was disaster.

I am now married to someone else, who is the polar opposite. He doesn't even seem to notice other women. He is utterly devoted to me, entirely transparent with phone etc. What a difference! He loves me, the way I have always deserved to be loved.

My ExH however, is still the same, and he is now 52. He cheated on the long term GF he had after me. And he is now cheating on is current partner of 4 years. It is who he is. Same as your fiance, I'd imagine.

You're only 23. So young. I think your choices are:

Stay with him, and commit yourself to a lifetime of him sexting an fucking other women. You at home with the kids, whilst he is out on yet another lads night out, trying to pull women etc.
Leave him and start afresh. Believe me, you'll meet someone far nicer who doesn't treat women like shit.

Up to you. But option 2 looks like more fun to me.

And, the best way to get over a man, is to get under another one. Trust me on that one.

fruitbrewhaha · 03/04/2019 10:25

Oh goodness, no! You really need to knock this on the head. You are clearly not right for each other. Maybe he will always be like this or maybe he is looking for a way out of the relationship. He sounds like a complete dick.

How long do you have on the tenancy agreement? Is there somewhere you can move too? Just get away from him. You are young and will find happiness.

Flip

1 2 3 4