Fiancée said ‘I love you’ to another woman

[LucyR86]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting and I guess I’m just after some advise / support as I can’t speak to anyone else about this.

I have been with my fiancée since school, we are 23 now so around 10yrs. We live together in a rented flat. No kids.

Throughout the relationship there have been numerous occasions I have found him texting other women. In fact so many I can’t count them all it usually ends up in a huge argument / short break up and then we get back together.

During one of these arguments I slept with someone else, mainly driven by anger to be honest. This was about 4 years ago and to this day my parter still uses that as an excuse for this constant cheating.

The most recent time was the worst, there were approx a month worth of messages on his phone to a girl, a lot younger than us. He was telling her that he loved her! Arranging to meet up, texting pretty much constantly.

He denies that he ever actually met her in person and it was all just texts, although I don’t see how you can say I love you to someone you haven’t met?!

I don’t trust him, I’m beginning to resent him and everything he does. I don’t really know what I’m asking. I know what I need to do but I’m finding it so difficult because this is all I’ve known for 10 years.

Help!!

I married at 24 and regret it! Finally divorced the evil man three years ago. Have two kids with him, almost 9 and 11. Now engaged to a lovely man who has no kids of his own but now I'm 38 and we're not well off it is too late really to have one together. I wish I'd have left him much earlier, I wasted so much time.

You are vey young, Dont waste another second with this loser
Dump him immediately

Wow thank you everyone for the replies I didn’t expect so many.

I no the right thing to do is leave, I think it’s more habit and comfort than anything else at the moment.

I’m not at all saying I behaved perfectly by sleeping with someone but at 19 years old and having just found out my boyfriend was cheating yet again I was not thinking the most clearly. I would never do it again.

I have 6 months left on the lease, I can just about afford the flat on my own, he would not be able to. Now I’ve just got to figure out how to get him to leave as I no he will refuse!!

Check your lease for a break clause?

Is he on the lease ? if not, it's easy

For goodness sake! If you were on Jeremy Kyle we would all be yelling at the TV and saying leave him. Where is the happiness? Where's the wanting to be together? Being pleased to see each other? Where is the love?

Lucy glad you’ve come to the conclusion you’re going to leave. You deserve a much better relationship. I went out with someone from just 17 to 22. I lived with him and thought “this is my life” whilst at the same time wondering why I didn’t feel happy.

Do look at your lease, if he isn’t on it he has to leave. If he is on it give him an ultimatum, either he leaves and you carry in paying the rent or you will leave and he will have to pay the rent. When he realises he can’t afford it, he will go.

Actually I feel sorry for both of you.
You are each others "habit" obviously grown up in different directions. He wants to play the field, as there is much he obviously hasn't got out of his system as you have been tied to each other for so long.
You need to spread your wings (you both do) and explore life.
You are obviously not destined to be together forever.
Give each other freedom and space.
Don't treat it as "dumping" as such but setting each other free, you both need to find out what you need, which at this moment in time is not each other.

Ah op you've been together since you were kids and neither of you have had the chance to date or do anything other teenagers and young adults are doing!

If he won't leave then can you remove yourself from the lease and move?

You’ve been together since 13yo,it’s your 1st love and all that
However you’ve both outgrown each other and are unhappy
On a practical level,give him adavance notice you’ll not resign as joint tenants
Adequate time for him to seek alternative accommodation and move out

You both had a significant relationship that’s run it’s course.and that’s ok
Not ok is limping along,hurting each other being unhappy because it’s a hassle to split up

The old "we've been together since we were teenagers and I don't know anything but him" break up. Most of us have been through it at some point, OP. Please, don't be one of those people who stays in a bad relationship (which yours certainly is) just because of familiarity.

The ironic thing is that as difficult as breaking up is, usually after these relationships end, you go through a wonderful period of self-discovery! Getting to know who you are without this other person attached, spending time on your own, going out with friends, the freedom and the levity of not having this difficult relationship on your shoulders!

And you will find someone better, 100%. How many people do you think break up with their first love, and then 10 years later are desperately regretting it and wanting to go back? I'll give you a clue: it's almost none! Most have met other people, learned from their experiences and so have better, happier relationships.

Just tell him this relationship doesn't work for me I would like us to go separate ways. If he asks why then say you are not a teen anymore and see things differently now. Also make some plans. Maybe tell him you're going to study or something. Just tell him you're young and you would like to move on. You also wish him to move on and have fun before he gets married.

I'm not sure it's ever a good idea, to marry a man who hasn't been around the block. I have a theory, that most men who marry their first girlfriend, realise at around 35-40 years old, that they haven't sowed their wild oats.

This is around the stage that children have come along, life seems stable and boring, he's been having sex with the same woman for 15 years and has never slept with anyone else. Wife is knackered and doing most of the grunt work at home with the kids, is often too tired for lots of sex. Meanwhile, at the office there are some "fun" 25 year old's with perky tits, no kids....his eye starts to wander.....seen it a gazillion times, sadly. And of course, it's all the wife's fault, because she's no longer any fun. Well, yeah, cos she's often picking up all of the slack at home.

I'm not sure there's an answer, because if you're young and in love, you wouldn't walk away, just in case this happened.

But anyway, back to you, you say the relationship is comfortable....but it's not, is it? How can it be comfortable, when you know he's trying to get in to other women's knickers? You must be on high alert, constantly. That is the polar opposite of comfortable.

If he's thinking with his dick so much, and disrespecting you now, imagine his behaviour when his mid-life crisis hits? I imagine he'll feel justified at wanting sample an array of vagina, to make up for lost time. And somehow or other, it will be all your fault. Because if he's doing this now, when you are 23, young & beautiful with lots of time to devote to him, what will he be like, when you're 40+, knackered, looking after a few kids, working full time, possible caring for older relatives and generally trying to hold it all together? Your young self isn't enough for him, so how will things get better as you age and have more responsibility, ergo less time for him??

I think it's time to move on. You've perhaps grown up and grown apart. Accept he's a cheat and won't change and you deserve better x

Why are you with him? This isn't love.... you're both just too comfortable to end it. Don't flog a dead horse love.

You're still so young, you rent, and you have no children. There is NOTHING keeping you with this man. He sounds awful, please LTB and see what wonderful and supportive partners are really like, because he isn't one!

End it he's a serial cheat. How old is the latest one?

You would have to be bonkers to marry him.