Fiancée said ‘I love you’ to another woman

[LucyR86]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting and I guess I’m just after some advise / support as I can’t speak to anyone else about this.

I have been with my fiancée since school, we are 23 now so around 10yrs. We live together in a rented flat. No kids.

Throughout the relationship there have been numerous occasions I have found him texting other women. In fact so many I can’t count them all it usually ends up in a huge argument / short break up and then we get back together.

During one of these arguments I slept with someone else, mainly driven by anger to be honest. This was about 4 years ago and to this day my parter still uses that as an excuse for this constant cheating.

The most recent time was the worst, there were approx a month worth of messages on his phone to a girl, a lot younger than us. He was telling her that he loved her! Arranging to meet up, texting pretty much constantly.

He denies that he ever actually met her in person and it was all just texts, although I don’t see how you can say I love you to someone you haven’t met?!

I don’t trust him, I’m beginning to resent him and everything he does. I don’t really know what I’m asking. I know what I need to do but I’m finding it so difficult because this is all I’ve known for 10 years.

Help!!

Blimey, you two sound like loves young dream - err, not! Get out now, explore the world, find yourself and what you actually want out of life. Yes it will be scary - you have been together since you were children - but it will be worth it. Don't tie yourself down to this man, dont marry him and defo dont have kids with him - you will be miserable.

You’re both unhappy, you’ve both cheated. Why are you wasting your life staying in this relationship?

Sounds unhealthy and completely miserable.

Is that what you want for your life?

I think maybe you need to look at what's keeping you together.

Is it habit?

Is it fear?

Is it that you feel really attached to one another because of the age you got together and the amount of time you've been together?

I can see that there will be some discomfort in breaking away from this relationship, but I really can't see how it is healthy for either of you. Being single really isn't that bad. Perhaps it would be good to have some time on your own to work out who you are as a person without this attachment and to work out what your priorities in life are and what you need and deserve in a partner.

Get out and get out now.

It’s a toxic relationship.youre both angry and resentful.time to go
You have no kids,and as scary probably seems to you I’d say time to split up

10 years of good experience.... experience in what not to accept in your future life partner
now you have been thru all that, you can kick his lying cheatin ass to the curb and find someone who is more appreciative of you and who values you for who you are and who will remind you daily that you are worth it and who will treat you like his queen

so set your dickhead free, let him fly in the wind, let him fuck all the chippies he wants, cause he wont be your problem no more!

learn to love yourself and tell your self daily you deserve better and you wont accept anything less

Just fuck him off. Seriously, who needs this crap?!

Christ, you have wasted ten years already, don't throw away another forty or fifty on someone that is clearly in no way committed to you.

Call time now and move on to someone who truly loves you and has respect for you.

Time served isn’t a good enough reason to stay in a relationship.

X

Don't stay just because you have had 10 years together (sunk cost fallacy). You got together very young and have both changed. You are still really young. Get out now, he is not your friend and won't bring you the happiness you deserve.

Nothing worth saving here and you know it. Leave him and rebuild yourself

No children, no mortgage - you can get yourself a clean break if that’s what you want. If you want to stay with him then learn to accept him for what he is because he’s not going to change. He’s running after teenagers (I’m guessing if she’s a lot younger than you). I’d leave. Short term pain, long term gain.

You are only 23 do you want to waste any more years?

This is toxic. Just split up, you have a terrible relationship! What is the point?

It is easy. It is a rented flat and no children. Just pack your bags and walk out.

No kids, no mortgage, no marriage - what's actually keeping you there?! Because it's certainly not this dick of a man.

There is no respect there. No trust?! He will keep using you sleeping with someone else (quite legitimately btw!) as an excuse for his behaviour, forever. Why are you putting up with it??

You're only 23 years old. You have so many years to find somebody so much better. Please please please don't waste a minute longer on this waste of space!

Why are you still with this waste of space,it will hard i know,but dont waste any more time with him, dump him asap and make sure he knows its for good this time, you deserve better
Will be much harder to do if you end up with children,do it now

Just leave. Why would you stay?! There's no loyalty from him. Your self esteem must be taking a battering. You don't have to accept or settle for this.

You need to leave. You know this. The alternative is another 10, 20, 30 years of his cheating, disrespectful behaviour. He's not going to change.

You've wasted enough of your youth on him. Don't waste another minute more.

You're stuck in the sunk cost fallacy.

10 years doesn't mean much when you're only 23 and the 'relationship' presumably started at 13.
Get up pack your bags and leave. The relationship is over. There is no saving this.

Leave him, find your own way in the world. Don’t let this still be your life 30 years from now. It’s kust not worth it.

*just

There's no trust in the relationship because he is untrustworthy.

He gets away with his behaviour because you keep forgiving him and getting back together. Make your mind up as to what you want. If you're going to accept his behaviour then stop wasting energy with these faux break-ups. If you want better for yourself, and you bloody well should, then accept the reality that you are never going to get it from him and end it for good.

Yep. You need to finish this but it’s the best thing mutually and you are not the slightest bit innocent in this.

You’ve been together since you were 13 so for much of your relationship neither of you will really have had the emotional maturity to be in a serious situation and I don’t really think anybody can condemn a 14/15/16 yo for texting a few girls.

Perhaps later in your relationship you might have matured into it, but it doesn’t sound like either of you behaved in a way which would have allowed this to happen. You both need to grow up - separately.

You’re the only one who has definitely cheated too, and your attitude to that is really awful and borderline abusive because you’re blaming your partner and saying ‘Oh he made me do it’ when your behaviour is your responsibility. You’re making a big deal about his texts being cheating but you’re the one who actually fucked someone else! You should learn the lesson though, once you cheat the trust is broken and you’ll have the fear of tit for tat cheating.

Just tot it up to experience and move on.