No sex = there must be a problem.

[Muggymumma]

Have NCd. Please can anyone help in getting my OH to understand that if we aren't all over each other 24/7 that it doesn't mean I'm "being funny" with him or "off" with him. I don't know how to get round this problem. I can't even relax of an evening as he's so obsessed that I'm not "kissing him normally". For context, we sit next to each other, cuddling, holding hands etc, it's not like I've sat the other side of the room. This is more than enough for me generally. I don't feel the need to be kissing constantly or trying to get in the mood. Is this a case of mismatched needs? Please help!

How long have you been together?

That must be very, very tiresome. Honestly, his badgering an attitude would put me right off him. Has he always been this insecure?

Sex is an important component of a relationship for some people. I believe lack of sex is actually acceptable ‘unreasonable behaviour’ for divorce reasons. If one partner is into sex and the other is not, the relationship won’t last. That’s the hard truth. You guys should probably go your own ways before it ends up with one being unfaithful to the other.

We haven't been together that long. He wasn't like this for the first couple of months. Then all of a sudden because I wasn't "kissing like I used to" or didn't seem that into him, paranoia has kicked in. I'm having to constantly reassure, remind and do everything I can to show him that I'm not looking at other men and that how I feel about him hasn't changed. Nothing works. I feel like I can't kiss him how I'd like because he'll take it as a come on. Or if I just want to sit and relax, then it's a problem. In turn, this constant need for reassurance is making me low so I'm not feeling into all that although I have done it regardless. I just don't know how to get through to him.

You won’t be able to. If you’re sexually incompatible it’s game over. It’s good that you’ve not been together long.

@CarryOnPaul I think the constant need for reassurance and paranoid behaviour is probably contributing to the fact I'm not feeling it as much. I have had sex with him every night bar a couple of occasions. It doesn't matter if we've had sex the previous day, he just wants to be all over me, kissing me and things all the time. Am i really supposed to believe that this is what everyone else's life is like?!

I just don't know how to get through to him.

You don't because you can't. This is very alarming behaviour and the red flags are waving high and bright. He is being controlling and manipulative and I promise it will only get worse.

Run for your life and never look back.

This is going to be a very slippery slope to controlling wanker. He's basically saying your kisses have changed because you're cheating or going to cheat.. You've already started modifying your behaviour to reassure him you're not looking at other men. This is who he is, there is nothing you can do to convince him you're not going to cheat. You could pluck your own eyes out and he'll still think you're looking at other men. He's insecure, paranoid and a sex pest. You need to run!!

It definitely would make sense that his constant needs puts you off, so it will come to be a self fulfilling prophecy that you’ll want even more sex. I still think that something is out of balance here. Sex shouldn’t be difficult or forced, it should be natural and wanted. The point stands though that there’s an imbalance. You shouldn’t be having sex every night if you don’t want to, nor should he have a lot less sex than he needs to satisfy yoir needs. Sex is a weird one because it’s so difficult to find a working compromise on, unlike who takes the bins or or cleans the bathroom.

I think that it’s unfair to call him needy or underconfident, etc. Just different people have different sex drives. There are plenty of other wowen out there with insatiable sex drives, and men out there who might never want it. It’s a question of compatibilty.

@CarryOnPaul he's told me himself that he's not very confident. His previous girlfriend cheated on him which is what he is putting his behaviour down to. He says himself that he's fed up of feeling suspicious and worried that we aren't good. I don't like the fact that he relies on me and my behaviour to feel confident in himself. I've never given him a reason to feel otherwise and he even tells me that.

I cannot even pick up my phone without him wanting to know every single thing I'm doing. We were shopping yesterday, he went off to fetch something and came back and said who were you on the phone to? I was like I didn't even have my phone it's been in my pocket the whole time! So now he's imagining seeing me have my phone to my ear. It's not just the affection that's the problem but I really wanted just to get views on that alone, rather than all of this other stuff.

Are you actually considering staying with him? He is an abusive bully.

Take notice of these red flags.
The quicker you take notice and take action the easier it will be to get out and move on.

Red flags. Run for the hills.

He sounds exactly like a friends ex was, started as needing lots of attention, ended in him being emotionally and on occasion physically abusive and accusing her of cheating, her being unable to see other friends and family without constantly checking in with him!

Dump and block!!! Red flags all over the place!

But the affection issue is very tightly wrapped up with the other 'stuff'. You can't separate them. He is basically convinced that if you're not actually having sex with him then you're wanting to cheat or physically cheating. The paranoia, insecurity, sex and acquisitions are all part of the same delusion. That you, as a woman, will cheat and can't be trusted.

Blaming his behaviour on the 'cheating' ex is part of the script. As is saying he doesn't want to be like this - unless he has actually tried to get professional help then he's perfectly fine with how he is, he just wants you to think he's not. The making you responsible for his insecurities and happiness is also script talk.

Unless he is willing to get professional help immediately then this is only going to get worse.

I apologise for being so naive to this. Please can someone point out what about it is abusive? I'm so conflicted because of the person I thought he was and the person he is showing me now. He's not like it all the time, when he thinks things are good there is no worries about it. I'm a single parent, I work full time. I have a house to run too like most other people and sometimes frankly I'm just knackered!! Is there not any way of getting him to understand that when I'm not so full on with him, it doesn't mean I feel any differently?
Thank you for your replies though I really need people to talk to about this x

@Thingsdogetbetter I must point out here that I did say about a month ago that he needs to seek professional help as I'm not equipped to deal with this behaviour. He's since had an appointment through and will be attending this week. But will they actually point out to him what he is doing is abusive? Or controlling?

There is no way you should stay in this relationship, he sounds like an absolute nut job.

This is not about his sex drive, he is starting to control you/ gaslight!

You need to own this right now.
When he asks who was on the phone, say nobody, but can you tell me why you need to know, either we are together and you trust me, or you let your ex rule your life.
But really I do think you need to look and see if you want this to be your life from now on.

@muggymumma yeh I was jumping to his defence, but actually I’ll join the chorus that he’s going to be more trouble than he’s worth. He doesn’t own you. Different sex drives is one thing, but feeling anxious if you pick up your phone is a bit too much.

You can’t reason with abusive men, they don’t suddenly “see the light”. This relationship is too much of a risk to continue with, especially when you have DC to consider.

This isn't going to end well. Best leave him before you get sucked into it further.

@mummmy2017 thank you for that. I will try that and see what happens. I guess I feel like I will be giving him a reason to be suspicious if I say nothing or no one so want to prove I have nothing to hide. It's so shit. We were on the phone morning, lunch and night on the days we were not together too and it was becoming too much. I felt like I had no space and that hasn't seemed to have helped things.

@CarryOnPaul thanks I appreciate that. I do understand about people having their needs met, but it doesn't sit right with me. It feels like it's more than that. And before all this happened and we were in the "honeymoon phase" I was feeling it much more. Now I feel like I'm sinking into a deep depression trying to keep the peace.