No sex = there must be a problem.

[Muggymumma]

Have NCd. Please can anyone help in getting my OH to understand that if we aren't all over each other 24/7 that it doesn't mean I'm "being funny" with him or "off" with him. I don't know how to get round this problem. I can't even relax of an evening as he's so obsessed that I'm not "kissing him normally". For context, we sit next to each other, cuddling, holding hands etc, it's not like I've sat the other side of the room. This is more than enough for me generally. I don't feel the need to be kissing constantly or trying to get in the mood. Is this a case of mismatched needs? Please help!

Is there not any way of getting him to understand there honestly isn't OP, this is who he is and will cause problems in every relationship he ever has unless he does some serious work on himself in therapy. He would need to do that outside of a relationship though or patterns will just continue to repeat. He would have to really want to change, for himself not to keep you/a future partner, and be prepared to focus completely on himself for it to have a chance of working though.

I would honestly advise you to walk away, while the relationship is new and you have no ties. This man is not ready for a relationship and, if you stay, you will look back in a few months and wish to god you hadn't.

Find your inner warrior op and tell him you're not responsible for how he feels, for his insecurities, or for his constant need for attention.
It's time to stop being 'nice', OP.
Being nice and accommodating and understanding and on the defensive as you most obviously are will lead to you, is leading you to living a dangerous sort of life in terms of your physical, emotional and mental health.
Do you want that sort of a life?

Please can someone point out what about it is abusive?

It's like a worn record that's been played too many times. It's abusive because it's the early warning signs of controlling tendencies. You are expected to alter your behaviour to meet his expectations. If you don't then you are being unreasonable in his eyes. It's not his fault, it never is, it's always because he's been cheated on by some previous ex. If you comply it won't end here. He'll move on to trying to dictate other behavioural controls like what you can wear, who you can socialise with, how often you should have sex. It will always be you that's being unreasonable, never him. Get him tae fuck before he grinds you down to a shadow of your former self.

I must point out here that I did say about a month ago that he needs to seek professional help as I'm not equipped to deal with this behaviour. He's since had an appointment through and will be attending this week. But will they actually point out to him what he is doing is abusive? Or controlling?

You're meant to be his girlfriend, not his therapist or social worker. Relationships shouldn't be this hard and you'd be best getting out before you're even more invested in it. You don't need to understand why he is that way and it's not your responsibility to help him or fix him.

He insinuates you are cheating. He demands to know if you're talking on the phone and to whom. He is sexually manipulative. He's gaslighting you about his behaviour, blaming it on you and his past partners. ALL of that is abusive behaviour. Stay with him and you'll soon see how bad it will actually get.

Great he's got an appointment, but very careful that he doesn't twist the therapist's words to justify his behaviour. That's part of the script too. You need to be extremely careful about proceeding with this relationship! Especially as you have dc to consider! How do you think he will cope with you not wanting his tongue down your throat when your dc are there?

He's controlling in that he twists your 'lack' of affection so you are left reassuring him, so that you are modifying your behaviour, so that you have to defend yourself about phone use .......

He hid all this 'insecuity' from you in for the first few months, therefore he already knows his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't have been interested if he had shown you his real self immediately. There is nothing you can do or say to 'fix' him. You are not that powerful. Love and reassurance will not fix him. Don't fall into that trip because it's bloody hard to get out of.

I agree with all these comments. Leave him tonight. Not tomorrow.

Don't close your eyes to what you're seeing on this thread OP, there's a reason everyone is saying more or less the same thing. We've known this man, lots of us have been in a relationship with him and lots of us have been through hell to come out the other side. We can see who he is from your posts, we recognise him and we're trying to give you the early warning we all wish we'd had. It's not a coincidence that we're all saying the same thing, we're not biased in any way, it's just that we see him and we know what he is.

He sounds like a complete weapon. Dump him.

Another vote for leg it, quick! It's the start of a very slippery slope indeed. Great if he wants to try to help himself, he can go ahead and do that as a single man before he gets involved with someone. But no way would I stick around waiting for that sort of change as it much more than likely will never come, and all the while you'll be ground further and further down by his jealous / controlling / paranoid behaviour until you wake up one day miserable and a shadow of your former self. It's just not worth the punt. Run, and fast!

Sounds like quite textbook behaviour from a paranoid bloke. Give it a year and he will be saying your breath smells like penis, did you have someone over whilst he was out? Or getting you to FaceTime him to prove where you are.

That is exaggeration but also something that is a relatively common paranoid thought that these men seem to develop. You only have to watch a few episodes of Jeremy Kyle before you hear it. If you did watch some, You would genuinely be shocked by how few episodes you would have to watch before a pattern that was very recognisable to you emerged in the behaviour of some of the "guests".

He sounded just very odd to start off with but the stuff about using your phone and kissing different etc just made him sound like another run of the mill guy slowly amping up control as a result of his own paranoid inadequacy.

Run for the fucking hills. Don't be surprised when he tells his next girlfriend you cheated on him too....

Why am I struggling to believe this is happening? 😫

You’ve not been together long and I really hope, for your sake, that you’re not together much longer

Who wants to have sex with a needy whinger?

@muggymumma yeh it’s not good stuff to hear. I’m quite new to these forums (my wife kept reading snippets to me from things she’s seen here so I just signed up too). One thing I’ve noticed is the people on here are pretty much OP is right, she’s being abused / taken advantage of / etc etc. Mostly I disagree with them. In your case however, I think they’re absolutely on the mark and got there way before I did. It sucks, but I think you know things aren’t where they should be. Every day you stay with him your denying yourself and to a degree, himself... the opportunity of a functional relationship

This is textbook start/precurser to emotional abuse....he will continually move the goalposts (which are invisible to begin with), until youre ground down and im a state of confusion....thats when the real 'fun' will begin.

Run like the fucking wind, seriously.... Listen to the voices of the older and wiser on this one!

Run, run and run some more

Why am I struggling to believe this is happening?

Totally understandable reaction OP, you seem like a relatively 'normal' person who's probably never encountered this kind of abuse before, it will have come as a shock But you've had a fairly large number of replies all saying the same thing, recognising the same red flags and I'm not sure you can afford to ignore that. Sorry OP

Listen to a man, who tells you your partner's attitude is not normal....
Carryonpaul is dead right.

Hes putting responsibility for aspects of his emotional wellbeing that he should be taking responsibility for himself on to you. Then telling you you've failed because
You havent made him feel happy and secure. That's what is so abusive.

Op, please read this article about coercive control. This is pretty much exactly what is happening to you. It is a progressive form of abuse that will end up with you not knowing up from down. This abuse always starts in small ways, and as the abuser gains more and more control, the abuse escalates alarmingly. Your life as you know it will cease to exist. Please give your head a massive wobble and get away from this man.

www.cedarnetwork.org.uk/about/supporting-recovery/what-is-domestic-abuse/what-is-coercive-control/

@Muggymumma
Hi Hun, I've been in this situation and come out of it before X
I could give you some pointers:
This sounds like you both have been through a lot, the OH sounds like he has a hi sex drive and is frustrated and impatient because he loves you and wants to be close to you and be affectionate to you and wants you to make love more. And it sounds like it's been a bit too overwhelming and stressful for you to take on at times and a bit too demanding for you. So you are starting to feel distant and uncomfortable with being cornered with all his demands. The way he feels isn't a bad thing Hun, it's normal, but you need to sit down and talk to him openly about how you feel politely. X
The more this continues the more guilty you will feel that you aren't meeting his needs when he demands it and the more he will make you feel obligated to please him and you will feel like an object to him if he doesn't slow down with the demands and the more you won't enjoy it when you make love because you will feel you are doing it because you are obligated and because he expects it. I can empathize with this uncomfortable tiring feeling.
The solution is simple Hun. Talk to him and tell him how you feel 100% honestly. Tell him you care very deeply for him but you need enough time to unwind regularly and you can of do it out of obligation. Because in order for it to be enjoyable you both have to want to do it and it seems like when you both feel up for it the timing doesn't quite line up.
But if he respects you enough to leave you alone about the subject and let you do it in your own time then you will naturally come around independently when you are ready. I hope this helps x

Hun this behaviour is normal talk to him honestly and youre solve everything

Have i strayed onto the wrong website?
No just no. Its not normal, it wont solve anything and net huns is that way>>>>>

@hollytruelove. I'm presuming you haven't read the rest of the thread. Please read full threads before jumping in with advice that could do more harm than good!

If you have, you are seriously talking out of your arse!

@greeneggsandhamandchips love the name... but... what are you talking about??

@Aquamarine1029 I sent him the link and he's replied saying it "you know I'm not doing any of that intentionally but it does sound like what is happening. I'm sorry for that". So is this another classic sign or is he genuinely admitting he's got a problem. Thank you to everyone for your support x

@muggymumma I am a believer that someone needs to own their own problems. He’s not owning his.