No sex = there must be a problem.

[Muggymumma]

Have NCd. Please can anyone help in getting my OH to understand that if we aren't all over each other 24/7 that it doesn't mean I'm "being funny" with him or "off" with him. I don't know how to get round this problem. I can't even relax of an evening as he's so obsessed that I'm not "kissing him normally". For context, we sit next to each other, cuddling, holding hands etc, it's not like I've sat the other side of the room. This is more than enough for me generally. I don't feel the need to be kissing constantly or trying to get in the mood. Is this a case of mismatched needs? Please help!

Things don't change over night... But please don't go down the he gets you pregnant, or married you to tie you too him.

Why would you send him that link? Stop empowering your abuser! I'm sure he's "sorry." Now he'll try to turn on the charm and be on his best behaviour, until he starts the abuse all over again, of course. Which he will.

He doesn't seem particularly surprised or horrified at this. Rather accepting actually. Does this indicate that he's been told this before?

The reason I sent it to him because all we ever seem to do is talk about the issues, why they happen and what can be done. I always tell him that it's not right the way he's behaving and it's controlling so I thought sending him that would get him to realise what he's doing. How am I supposed to know that it's empowering the abuse?!

Also yes I do agree he does sound accepting of it. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to stop this happening and stop him from doing it but I probably won't be able to. I'm finding it hard to accept that this is reality.

You're with an abuser. You have children, for goodness sake come to your senses and get this man gone. It doesn't matter if he knows he's abusing you or not!

@muggymumma what’s the problem here? What is it that you’re afraid of losing by leaving him? What’s the fear that’s holding you back?

I'm with aquamarine; why on earth would you send him the link? Would you tell a thief you left your front door open???

You have multiple posters on here male and female telling you that this behaviour is abusive yet you're choosing to consult the person who in your own words has made you "ground down" and "depressed"

Stop. Stop. Stop. YOU do not have the power to fix him. You do not have the power to make him change. You will NEVER find the right words to stop this. You've been together a short time and it's been consumed by his behaviour. You should be in honeymoon phase of getting to know each other and having fun, instead you are having constant conversations about his behaviour, trying to fix him, trying to find the magical words. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. No relationship is worth this shite.

Woah. You've not been together long yet he's paranoid and all you ever do is talk about your relationship issues? Sounds shit, and you'd be better apart OP.

I wasn't consulting him at all! All I did was send the link. Trying to show him that his behaviour is wrong. I didnt know that I shouldn't have done that. At least if he knows he could do something about it and hopefully not be a cunt to his next girlfriend. Or maybe he is intentionally like that and he knows full well what he's doing.
I don't live with him. I'm not and my DC are not at any risk of harm in the immediate future and I have no plan to see him. It's just hard for me to digest. I have been in abusive relationship before but it wasn't like this so probably why I didn't want to acknowledge how bad things were.

Hi OP, please read what happened to me.

Met ex-H. The love bombing was astonishing. Exactly as you describe. No matter how much sex, it was never enough, if I said I didn't want to see him one night (tired, busy, just wanted to be on my own), he'd be all disappointed and ring and ring and text and ring continuously. He "loved me like no other" after about 2 weeks. He proposed within a few months. What did I do? I only went and married the twat, within a year. Then when I didn't want sex every day, I was "frigid", I was accused of cheating (I didn't once cheat on him), he'd send hundreds of pounds of bouquets to my work. Oh my God it was so OTT. He couldn't fathom that I might want some space occasionally. He'd grope me in front of family and friends, even his parents. He'd have sex with me in my sleep. He could not behave appropriately, ever. The irony of all of this? He was a prolific cheat, which eventually came to pass, a gaslighting, controlling, emotionally abusive prick. He left me for OW who has repeatedly accused me of "failing him" within our marriage and blaming me for him having an affair. I hope she enjoys the fallout when it happens to her. Because it will.

My advice? Please get rid of this man. End it. You're early in the relationship, this will get worse, not better. He is what he is and he won't change. I can't express this enough. You and your DC are worth a million times more. I am so damaged by what happened to me that nearly 6 years on, I remain single and trust nobody. It's horrible. We had a baby 11 years into our marriage (another story of control, coersion and abuse) and unfortunately I have to have contact with him because of DS. Please don't make my mistakes. He's telling you what he is...LISTEN TO HIM!! Good luck

The lion and the snake look different and hunt differently but they are both predators in their own right...

In other words not all abusers wear the same mask or use the same tactic, but the end result is the same - you're left as a shell of your former self wondering what the fuck just happened!

Wipe the dogshit from your shoe and concentrate on adjusting your boundaries, not on trying to 'enlighten' this bellend!

@Closetbeanmuncher (great name!)...you've nailed it. So many people believe that abuse is from fists. The insidious nature of coercive control and abuse means that people like the OP (and me!) have no idea what they're walking into. It's like realising you've stepped into quicksand far far too late. I think I found the shock of realising what had happened to me the most difficult to recover from. I considered myself a strong, able, independent, intelligent, educated woman. He sucked the life and soul out of me. Never again.

@TheFormidableMrsC I have previously described to him that I felt like I was in quicksand. After the last abusive twat I promised myself I wouldn't put up with it again. And I'm not going to. I'm shocked that it's happened without me realising to a point. I'm very sorry to hear what's happened to you. stupid thing is I was more than happy on my own before he came along. I think the love bombing too has played a big part and perhaps I fell in love with what he was telling me and all our future plans, not the actual person. He still bring me flowers and chocolate and says he loves me multiple times a day. I did think it was a bit OTT and too good to be true. I guess I just thought this was my one.

This must be a shock for you OP. Take your time and digest what people are trying to tell you. It's almost certainly true that he doesn't know he's doing it and that it isn't intentional. The reason for that is the same reason it is close to impossible for abusers to change. Their behaviour is instinctive, hard-coded into their personality. You might as well try turning a shark vegan. You might manage to get him to reign it in if he thinks he's losing you but once he feels secure again he will almost certainly revert to type.

You're possibly also confused because for many people abuse means shouting, aggression or physical violence. Sometimes it does but it comes in other forms as well including emotional abuse, financial abuse and controlling abuse. The latter are every bit as destructive to the victim as the former. It's the long-term errosion of confidence and self-esteem that does the most psychological damage and the deeper into that hole you get the harder it is to climb out.

@TooTrueToBeGood thank you. And thank you for giving me an insight into why he thinks it isn't intentional. I need some time to relax and process everything. X

cheated on him which is what he is putting his behaviour down to

Rather than assuming responsibility for his own actions, he is finding someone to blame.

Run.

when he thinks things are good there is no worries about it

Anyone can be nice when things are going well. What matters is how he is when things are not going well. That's when you see who he is.

So is this another classic sign or is he genuinely admitting he's got a problem.

Honestly, what does it matter? Get away from him, nothing good will come of this. Don't let yourself get stuck, trapped tied to him with financial commitments and a family.

Just fun.

Never let anyone obligate or force you into anything. Look after yourself and say No! If you are unhappy in your relationship it would be wrong for both of you to stay in it. Look after yourself and don't stay unless your heart is in it x

Have you read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft

It’s a real eye opener

I read it after seeing being recommended on here. It made me cry

I left my emotionally abusive husband almost 4 years ago. He still hasn’t forgiven me. He is still trying to control aspects of my life

Please leave this man. It will all end in tears otherwise

Run!

You haven't been with him long and he's making you unhappy. That should be enough.

But you want to help and fix and support.

Nopeity nope nope. Your job isn't to sort his life out. It's to keep your life happy and healthy and the same for your kids. He can sort himself out.

@Mistybee no I'd never heard of it before. I have spent some time reading snippets of it and have now ordered the full book. Thank you for this recommendation. I'm sorry to hear of your bad experience

The best thing to do with men who ever you are with is be very direct and decisive with what you do want from the start and with what you don't want and make them aware of it. This is what I do.:
If a man is interested in me and wants to date me I say openly from the start: IF YOU WANT ME FOR MY BODY THEN BUGGER OFF NOW! BUT IF YOU ARE GENUINELY INTERESTED IN GETTING TO KNOW ME FOR THE RIGHT REASONS THEN I WILL ENJOY TAKING THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW YOU.

IF ALL THEY WANT AND TALK ABOUT IS SEX THEN EVIDENTLY THAT IS ALL THEY WANT YOU FOR. ITS NOT YOU THEY ARE INTERESTED IN ITS YOUR BODY. IN THIS CASE YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A MEANINGLESS DISPOSABLE OBJECT TO THEM AND THEY ARE ONLY KEEPING YOU FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE UNTIL THEY HAVE RUN OUT OF USE FOR YOU. THEN THEY WILL DISPOSE OF YOU CARELESSLY. WHICH IS HORRIBLE. THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS STAY AWAY FROM MEN LIKE THIS AND ONLY ACCEPT MEN THAT WANT YOU TO BE IN THEIR LIVES AND GET TO KNOW YOU FOR THE RIGHT REASONS AND UNLESS THEY CAN MEET YOUR NEEDS AND CAPABLY TREAT YOU RIGHT (LIKE A LADY) THEN THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOU. X

If you are direct and decisive and open with them about what you will and won't accept in a relationship men don't push their luck if they know what they cannot get away with. So they don't mess you about if you tell them from the start.

@Thingsdogetbetter 18:25
Before you have the cheek to undermine others make sure your advice is plausible and if you are educated in civilised behaviour take a look in the mirror and perfect yourself before assuming you can find faults in people you have never met instead of disrespecting other people who post in a forum. Don't patronise me. You are not in a position to comment on the level of my knowledge and experience as you know nothing about me. My advice is not and has never been harmful it's insightful. It is in everyone's best interests so do not presume to tell me what I am or should be doing.
Thank you for your cooperation.