I'm a parasite to life and I want this to end

[user57424]

After various relationships throughout my twenties and into my thirties, I am still alone. Nothing ever seems to fit.

I've done it all. Dated, been open minded, joined clubs, travelled. And I'm fucking fed up of smiling at the sidelines while people get married, have kids, buy houses together. I don't think I can actually do it anymore.

I'm the odd one out. My parents are happily married, my younger sibling is marrying this year. My parents can't wait to be grandparents and that's all they've talked about all day.

My life is fucking meaningless. I have a job, a home, friends and LITERALLY NOTHING fills the void of wanting a family life. Having a child alone is not what I want and makes me feel so frustrated when people suggest it (I know they are trying to help).

Despite having gone down the career route, deep down, the real me is cooking, cleaning, running a home (I know that isn't for everyone and Im not at all saying it is a woman's 'role.' But it is a role I personally want.

I've started feeling angry about it this weekend. it doesn't seem fair. I don't want to live my life like this. im sick of suggestions that I haven't got out there and haven't given people a chance or im too picky. I have tried, I just haven't found the right out. If I could leave this world right now, I would. I feel so low and useless and like my life is an endless fake show of getting up and going to work all for me. I'm bored of it. I have had enough now.

I don't know why I am posting really. I haven't felt this low in a long time. is there a way out of this that doesn't end with some patronising suggestion that ive done something wrong to be living my life alone.

Oh lovely. I'm sorry you're feeling this low

I wish I had a partner and children. Heck, I wish I had a house and a well paid job.

I'm not going to say anything to minimise how you're feeling. I just want to say I'm here, and I'm listening.

Hey, I've definitely have been in your situation before, not in regards to relationship but feeling low and worthless and useless, especially since I'm the daughter with the failed marriage whereas my younger sister are happily married.
Look, I just want to say that everyone has their own battles, it could be an illness, a divorce or anything for that matter. I don't think there's anyone out there that's 100% happy with their lives. You need to understand that this is your path in life, I believe that what is meant for you will come whether you like it or not. I'm not telling you to accept that this is going to be your life forever, but please appreciate the things you do have and start enjoying life itself, maybe go on a spiritual journey, I don't know. But do not compare your life to others as you are not them and your time will come.

These posts have made me cry. thank you. thank you for even acknowledging my self pitying post, let alone offering such kind words.

I am so low today and feel like my life it worthless.

I would do anything - I would even give up my home in a second! - to be deep in child sick and sleep depravation. I know that has all its challenges, but my I would swap everything I had for that

I have chosen 2 very unsuitable men to father both my DDs because I wanted this very life that you are describing and I thought they could both give me that life.
Never give up hope OP that person is just around the corner for you I'm hoping.

Mondeo I wish I had done that, I really do. I would love children more than anything.

have you met anyone new?

You are not worthless lovely, it is this stupid society we live in. I guarantee that if you were in some remote village, back to simple things, without social media and expectations, it would feel easier.
I know how it is to feel like that because I have, many times.
Suggestions? Right now, to take it a minute at a time, and to know that people care, even strangers through the web

Oh I have been there! When I was 30 I had a bit of a crisis and decided I had to make a change so I quit my job and moved 4hrs away to stay with some friends and get some head space! Within 2 months I had met my current partner, we've been together for 6y and have 2 kids!
I was honestly feeling like I'd hit rick bottom after having a really rotten time but now I know if I hadn't gone through the shit I wouldn't have made the decision to make changes and wouldn't have my family! So my point is you don't know what's around the corner!

I can guarantee you that at least 6 of my friends are absolutely trapped in shitty marriages with complete bellends for husbands.
I also massively regret doing some of things that you yearn for so don't always think the grass is always greener in other people's lives

Be easier on yourself, keep posting if it helps x

I can feel the despair seeping out of your post and want to acknowledge it and tell you I hear you. I can do nothing to help you, but I feel for you, you sound like a good person and I am rooting for you to feel better about your gifts and your challenges.

I just feel so sad. I might not be worthless but my life is. nobody who needs me, my money is just for me, my food is for me, my house is for me.

canny that is lovely to hear and I am glad you are happy

I've been exactly where you are and have an inkling that most women get this feeling at some point.

As I remember, the hurt was totally engulfing.

I'm sorry, I dont have anything to offer on that point. But I will say one thing. Don't let this feeling lead you to make the wrong choice and settle for someone with enough red flags to make coronation bunting. Too many of us have fallen into that trap. And I can assure you - if there is one feeling more gut wrenching painful than wanting the family you dont have yet, it is handing your baby over to a bad man half the time. That is indescribable.

Please dont let this feeling lead you to the wrong choice. Breathe, take your time, make good choices. It will be worth it.

Facebook is fiction.
I could tell you some stories behind those "love these guys" heart eyes, I really could.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. It's an awful feeling. Please know that you're not alone, you have a whole community of women right here next to you.

Do you have money for a holiday? If so, let us know how much you can afford and we'll find you a great singles holiday. You will have something to look forward to and you will have a great time. You need to be amongst others who are in the same boat.

I am behind though pics

I know it isn't a race but it is time I cant look back on with memories with that special person.

whilst I have done ALL the wonderful things a single woman can do, hell, I even bought a bloody mulberry handbag yesterday out of the blue because I could... one thing is for sure and that's that I will NEVER look back fondly on these lonely few years. theres been bits of happiness but actually mostly just longing and sadness.

of course I cant truly say what parenting and family life would be like, having not done it. but what I do know is that I will never fill that void with anything else.

Sorry you are feeling so low.

My friend was an a similar situation to you-she watched all her friends get married, have kids (and now start getting divorced) and despite having a great career, place of her own, friends, etc, all she ever wanted was a family of her own.
She tried online dating for years but never met anyone special and then one day when she had decided to stop looking, she met someone on a training course who she admired she would have never swiped right on and although it’s a little late for her to start her own family now (she is 41 and her partner is older and has 2 children), she is so happy and is starting a new life with him and his children.

Life isn’t always how we imagined it would be (I have the kids who I adore but never intended to be a single parent) but we all have he ability to make the most of what we have and make what changes we can. Things can change in a second x

I've been married twice User57, the second one I thought was the love of my life.
First for 8 years 2nd for almost 20 and both let me down horrible, spent all the money, were vile to me, left me while I was ill and always put me second.
I choose not to live with a man now because I've given my all to them to get a slap in the face in return and I no longer trust men.
You need to take off your rose tinted glasses. There is nobody out there who can fulfil you, only you can do that as I've learnt.
I live a perfectly happy life now.

hollow I do have a holiday planned which is happening in may. it's meant to be incredible. the truth? it is a distraction from the fact I don't have a husband or a child or anyone to come home to.

and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: I don't really give a fuck about holidays or travel or handbags or nights out and my career. all just distractions. I wish I could swap all of it.

madcat I am sorry you were let down. that sounds horrible.

I disagree that nobody can fulfil you. when I have been in relationships (two of significance), my life was far more fulfilling. for me, living just for myself will never be enough and I have worked to have the perfect life - and from the outside I do - but not in my heart.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. I'm not going to minimise or dismiss your feelings for one moment - you want whet you want, and no well-meaning platitude will help with that longing, but I wonder if it's worth re-evaluating the things that are within your power at the moment to make changes to? What sort of work do you do? Is the "career route" that you've gone down rewarding in financial terms only or does it fulfil you in other ways? Could you look for meaning through other employment or voluntary activities? I know that's not the complete answer that you're looking for right now, but if you feel this profound lack in your life at the moment, something that takes you in another direction might offer you some solace and might open doors you didn't know existed.

cynara my career is fulfilling in other ways other than money. I like it. it just feels pointless. I want to share my ambitions and goals to do right by m family. the success really is meaningless when it is just for you.

What do you think has been lacking in your previous relationships? How fid they end?

Have you been able to form other significant relationships..friendships,family?

No I haven't met anyone new, single now and I have a 13 year old and 4 year old.
It's hard work and if I meet someone else it'll be a blessing but I'm not expecting to. I'm almost 47 now.

in the past I put my career before relationships.

I don't do that now and the last one ended because it simply wasn't right. family and friends I have good relationships with.

I don't have trouble finding dates (all internet). I just haven't seemed to find the right one and I am so low about it today.

Madcatlady is spot on. It took me a wasted decade with a total berk to finally realise that you find the right person for you when you are also the right person for you. You need to find yourself enough, and not need someone else to "complete" you, to make the right choices.

That right person needs to bookend your life, not be it.

What you have, OP, is endless possibility. Your life is an open book. So many of us would envy you your limitless possibilities. This isn't to minimise your hurt at all, but to remind you that where you may covet our lives, we may look on your possibility (and lack of coparent/monster) with longing.

pics I do see what you mean. and I get it. I suppose everyone wants what they don't have in moments where they feel bad.

I just cannot see a time where Iwill not long for a family. I have felt it since a teenager. I know me and I know that wont change. I just not sure how many more weekends I can take celebrating things that just never seem to happen for me, it is so hard. I laughed all of today with my sibling with the engagement and cried all the way home. im happy for her, I truly am. but it is hard.