I'm a parasite to life and I want this to end

[user57424]

After various relationships throughout my twenties and into my thirties, I am still alone. Nothing ever seems to fit.

I've done it all. Dated, been open minded, joined clubs, travelled. And I'm fucking fed up of smiling at the sidelines while people get married, have kids, buy houses together. I don't think I can actually do it anymore.

I'm the odd one out. My parents are happily married, my younger sibling is marrying this year. My parents can't wait to be grandparents and that's all they've talked about all day.

My life is fucking meaningless. I have a job, a home, friends and LITERALLY NOTHING fills the void of wanting a family life. Having a child alone is not what I want and makes me feel so frustrated when people suggest it (I know they are trying to help).

Despite having gone down the career route, deep down, the real me is cooking, cleaning, running a home (I know that isn't for everyone and Im not at all saying it is a woman's 'role.' But it is a role I personally want.

I've started feeling angry about it this weekend. it doesn't seem fair. I don't want to live my life like this. im sick of suggestions that I haven't got out there and haven't given people a chance or im too picky. I have tried, I just haven't found the right out. If I could leave this world right now, I would. I feel so low and useless and like my life is an endless fake show of getting up and going to work all for me. I'm bored of it. I have had enough now.

I don't know why I am posting really. I haven't felt this low in a long time. is there a way out of this that doesn't end with some patronising suggestion that ive done something wrong to be living my life alone.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so low, OP.

I remember feeling that all hope had run out at one dark stage in my life, it wasn't nice. And clawing myself out of it took some doing.

A lot of us have been in that place too

I think it's good that you have standards. Considering what you want long term it's best to wait for the right fit rather than settle. I know it hurts though, especially when everyone seems to have it easily.

However, I'm sure your family,friends and others either through your job or whatever don't think you're pointless or useless. You do make a difference to their lives,even if yours is not how you'd like it to be.

All I can say is, as long as you keep trying, you're still in the race.

It is humbling to see this kind of a post.

No words other than we hear you, we see you.
X

user57424 I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds as though you have just been unlucky so far and I'm not going to patronise you with "advice".

I agree with other posters though that good things may be just around the corner. I hope you find a way to feel better in the meantime, and I wish you well.

So sorry you are feeling this way User. Have you tried any of the farmer wants a wife type dating apps? You mentioned you would love a traditional wife/mother role so it could be a good fit.

We're here with you, OP. We're next to you.
You can do this, you can pick yourself back up and push forward, you've got this.

I'm sorry you are in pain.

Life changes all the time. In two years I went from devastated and heartbroken to married and pregnant. I always say I'd have enjoyed my 20s much more knowing what the future held. Boyfriends were few and far between and all around me were people in 'relationships'. I couldn't go to garden centres or M&S foodhall on a weekend because it was rammed with couples my age and I was living with my folks. My siblings were married too. The injustice was stifling. Plenty of those relationships fell by the wayside. Don't compare yourself to others, you don't know what compromises they have made to facilitate their relationship. I hope you can see the power in your decisions not to compromise.

You say you don't want to go it alone, so the only thing you have control over is you. Do everything you can to be happy and open to love, that's it. The rest is luck. But it happens all the time.

Just sending love And hugs 🤗 ❤️

OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling shit :(

I’m going to play you a magic song. I listened to my friend have this exact same problem, sat & nodded, had nothing that useful to say, just drank the wine & listened! Then when I got home I felt pretty useless so I sent her this song, which she loved, and shortly afterwards she met someone. Long story short: they are playing it at their WEDDING 😁

You see the person she met was in the same situation as her. If you think about it, you can’t possibly be the only one feeling like you feel. There’s someone somewhere looking for you.

Second thing: do something radically different. Not just handbags! (Although it does sound lovely). You know that saying, something like: if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. I read this thing about trying to shake up routines, different breakfast, brushing your teeth with the wrong hand, different route to work etc. Supposed to ward off Alzheimer’s. All well and good, you could start there, but what could you do that was radically different?

@user57424
How old are you my love?
And ~girding myself for the flaming~
any, even tiny, faith? I know a dozen pastors, vicars, priests and Imans and without exception they’d all listen and kindly advise. And they all know a slew of eligible marriageable types.

@user57274 I feel you. I really do. I feel so low tonight. Slightly different situation from you as in I have two boys but my exH left me six years ago and he has gone on to re-marry and have a new baby while I am still here holding everything together. Don’t get me wrong, there have been amazing things along the way - my own house, my boys are healthy and happy and I have got a fab job and nice holidays etc but f@*k I am lonely and sick of it.

I have dated people (that I have met ‘normally’ and online) but no one has come close to a good relationship really. I recently dated someone I really liked but unfortunate circumstances meant it had to end and I am truly gutted and my heart hurts. I just can’t take any more of this cycle of hope and disappointment... I just want someone who has my back and who is there for me.

My friends tell me how attractive I am for my age and how great a catch I am and to me, it’s all meaningless. I would happily look like a troll if it means there is a troll out there who would love me. People tell me to travel, join a club, get a hobby but I have done all that. I went on like 6-7 trips/holidays last year. Some with my children and some with my friends but I just want someone I love to share it with. I see a post like yours and I know exactly how you feel. I know people look at me and think she has children, what has she got to complain about? But it’s just not the same...

I know you are probably sick of people making suggestions - and I sympathise with that - but it is clear that you have lots of love to give and that you want to share, so can I venture just one wee idea.

Social Services foster children with special needs; and as well as long and short term foster parents, they sometimes need relief foster carers who can take a child for a weekend or a week and give the foster carers a break. What normally happens is that the child goes to the same relief carer in order to establish a relationship with them. It is a challenging task, but so worthwhile. The fact that you are single is not relevant in this situation.

I am sorry that you are feeling bleak and to be honest I would feel the same in your shoes. I hope that there will be some improvement in your life as time goes by.

I’ve been there / am there myself and understand your pain. What’s frustrating is I know where I am now is not an attractive proposition! That’s not just me running myself down. I’m being objective and would advise a female friend to run like the wind. That’s not to say I’ve lost all hope. I do think I could be a good catch but know I’m not at the moment. By the sounds of it you’ve just been unlucky. Console yourself that many of these great marriages will fail and some of those friends will be reluctantly single again but of course I can’t take pleasure from other people’s pain in reality and doesn’t make unhappy people feel better. I’d rather be divorced with a couple of kids than be in a situation where I’m single and don’t have any

@user57424 I'm so sorry that you feel so low. I've been in dark places too but for different reasons.
Something that resonates with me is "if you keep doing the same things then don't be surprised if you get the same results". For me I prioritised work over my family and it broke me. Now I don't give a stuff about my career and feel so much happier with my life.
I really hope this doesn't sound patronising (it's really not meant to!!) but whatever it is you are doing ie work,friends, hobbies-it's not bringing you into contact with the right person who could bring you the future you want.
What about doing something completely out of your comfort zone? A new sport/join a choir/amateur dramatics etc or look for a new job. All of these will expose you to new people and it only takes one!!
Also you need to be kinder to yourself. It's cliched but once you start to love yourself then you are opening yourself up to be loved.
I really really hope that you find what you are looking for and also start to enjoy the journey along the way.
Sending hugs and 💐 xxx

@user57424 I understand how you feel in terms of feeling left out as I am in the same boat. I now avoid going to gatherings because everyone else has someone except me. I put up a front and pretend it doesn't bother me but it does. For me I know it's over , I just hope I don't have to live this lonely life for a long time .
But I am hoping you find your prince soon

I'm sorry you are feeling down -that feeling will pass you know. Depression never lasts for ever the challenge is remembering that and hanging on through the dark times.

I think part of the problem in this situation is that you end up living half a life because in your head it isn't what you want.

Imagine if Fate arrived at your door and said to you
I know you want a life partner to have a family with but that is not in your future. It is not something that happens for everyone and it is not something that will happen for you in your future. Your fate is to be single forever.

What would you do differently? How would you plan your life differently?

Where would you look for fulfilment?

Would you decide to have a child as single mother? To adopt? Not to have children? To look for children in your life in other ways? (godchildren, volunteering).

Is there anything you don't do that you would do? Or anything you are putting off doing in your search for a relationship?

The answers to these questions may help you - not because this is what fate has in store for you, but thinking about it may help you analyse your own wants and needs.

The issue is if you get depressed and bitter then of course no decent potential partner wants anything to do with you and who could blame them? It’s a common thought that you should dump people with issues the early stages as it’s a different thing supporting a long held spouse or partner experiencing issues to actively getting involved with one. I’m the same. My mother has mental health issues and there’s no way I’d willingly decide to walk into thaf

Here. Reading.

Thinking - follow your bliss. Find tiny things you like, do them. Pursue every tiny happiness. The rest will find you.

Sorry you are so down at the moment user. Not sure if it helps but we hear you, and we understand

And to pps saying that happy fb posts aren't real etc. This can be true but the social media thing is just a red herring. It isn't social media that is making OP want to have a partner and kids. Pair bonding and reproducing has been a part of human biology and culture since, well before we were humans.*

If anything, in pre technology times having a husband and children was much more important for women than it is today.

• This is obviously in no way meant to insult people who don't want these things - that's also completely natural. It's just hardly suprising that many do.

It is no answer or solution, but I would have given anything for my dcs to have had a loving aunt in their lives.

thank you for all the messages.

I am struggling so much tonight. I just feel low. I know so many people who have felt this way at some point and then met someone, so why not me. it feels so unfair. I hope in real life nobody knows I feel bitter. I do laugh along and smile and talk about everyone's miletones and baby news etc. it just gets harder all the time.

if I answer the above question honestly...if I KNEW there wouldn't be a future with a family, I wouldn't want to be here. what matters to me is doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, supporting a husband with working life...I do not mean any of this in a disrespectful way to career women (I am one of those right now!!!)...but it isn't what I want. In my heart I want to run a home and have a family. it matters to me more than anything. I could never admit this in real life, in all this detail. I feel ashamed because I am so far from having any of it. a failure.

tomorrow I wil face the office in charge of numerous people making all sorts of decisions and yet all I really want is to be at home without a minute to myself changing nappies and trying to keep on top of housework at the same time. im a fake.

It's such a horrible feeling when someone you love has everything you want but don't have. Happy for them but so sad for yourself.

How old are you? DP was 36 when we met after being single for 8 years (well, dating with a few short term flings) and thinking it was never going to happen, and now we have the house, baby etc.

I agree with others who say shake it up a bit. If I were you I would go off and have an adventure. Forget about the dream you are so desperate to achieve. Take your mind off it and plan something exciting. Go and do a trek in the Himalayas, volunteer abroad for a year, go off backpacking. Just leave your life behind and have an adventure. You may meet someone, you may not. I really believe it is true that when you’re desperate for something it recedes from you. You push it away energetically. Once you relax and stop striving and pining, you open yourself to new possibilities.
I know this sounds trite . I have been where you are once and once I stopped fixating on what I didn’t have, everything fell into place.
Get yourself away from your friends and relations with their seemingly perfect lives, and the job which makes you feel there’s a huge hole in your life. If you’re doing something completely different and new and it’s absorbing your thoughts and energies, your mindset will change.
What you are seeking is seeking you, but you need to stop pulling down walls to find it, and let some light in.

Or just go to a sperm bank.