I'm a parasite to life and I want this to end

[user57424]

After various relationships throughout my twenties and into my thirties, I am still alone. Nothing ever seems to fit.

I've done it all. Dated, been open minded, joined clubs, travelled. And I'm fucking fed up of smiling at the sidelines while people get married, have kids, buy houses together. I don't think I can actually do it anymore.

I'm the odd one out. My parents are happily married, my younger sibling is marrying this year. My parents can't wait to be grandparents and that's all they've talked about all day.

My life is fucking meaningless. I have a job, a home, friends and LITERALLY NOTHING fills the void of wanting a family life. Having a child alone is not what I want and makes me feel so frustrated when people suggest it (I know they are trying to help).

Despite having gone down the career route, deep down, the real me is cooking, cleaning, running a home (I know that isn't for everyone and Im not at all saying it is a woman's 'role.' But it is a role I personally want.

I've started feeling angry about it this weekend. it doesn't seem fair. I don't want to live my life like this. im sick of suggestions that I haven't got out there and haven't given people a chance or im too picky. I have tried, I just haven't found the right out. If I could leave this world right now, I would. I feel so low and useless and like my life is an endless fake show of getting up and going to work all for me. I'm bored of it. I have had enough now.

I don't know why I am posting really. I haven't felt this low in a long time. is there a way out of this that doesn't end with some patronising suggestion that ive done something wrong to be living my life alone.

Op it sounds like you have friends and family that love you very much. Don't lose sight of that, you are important.

Do you know why you are against going it alone with a baby? If you got pregnant accidentally tomorrow from a one night stand what would you do? If your answer is go ahead than you really need to give this more thought. I know it's not what you planned but sounds like you are at rock bottom and something needs to change. It is in your power to try to have a child and it sounds like you have a supportive family. And there's nothing to say you won't meet someone down the line.

I wish you well , please talk to someone about how your feeling

Hello

I just wanted to add my perspective. You know sometimes you could have had a relationship with someone, had a child and then who knows been unhappy later on down the line.

I wish sometimes i had waited a bit longer ( been married 16 years) and enjoyed my single life.

Dont ever think you are useless or your life is pointless, we all have something special to offer. Keep an open mind (and heart) i am sure you will find that person.

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this OP. Have you confided in any of your real-life friends and family that you feel like this? It's not self pity; you're having a rough time and you need support.

My friend looked for a partner for a long time and eventually decided to have a baby alone at 43. She's currently enjoying a year of maternity leave and has no regrets about the small family she has created.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”

I think we all tend to put our happiness off to the future, “I’ll be happy when I get married, I’ll be happy when I have kids then I’ll be happy when my kids start school and I’ll get more free time then I’ll be happy when I have another I’ll be happy when I retire” it goes on and on. But who knows if you would be happier married with children? You 100% don’t know if that would be true you just think that you would be. Sometimes life doesn’t play out in the timeline we imagine in our fantasy world but even when it does we still find a way to put happiness in the future. And everyone around you who you think are happy are probably also doing this and people probably wishing they had your life without so much stress. Ultimately our mind isn’t designed to make us happy it’s designed to find everything wrong in our lives and it’s so sad to see people wanting to end their beautiful lives because things aren’t living up to the world they created in their own head.

I think you should be working on your mindset around your life and just let everything unfold at its natural pace for you. I read an amazing booked called Loving What Is by Byron Katie and it changed my life and my whole outlook also another great booked called The Untethered Soul.

I hope this helps somehow.

OP I have no advice but just wanted to say you are not alone...my sister and several friends are single and childless in their early forties with no obvious reason why.
I also know lots of women in unhappy marriages. It's as if there are not enough decent men to go round.

I know this is not the same thing, and maybe you just want to vent, in which case ignore the rest of this message!

If the void you’re experiencing is a nurturing and caring role, have you thought about becoming a “Big Sister” type mentor to a vulnerable youth? Or else sponsoring a refugee family? I have a few friends and family members who sponsor refugees, and help them set up bank accounts, find and furnish a flat, sign up for English courses, and help their kids adjust to school/library/activities etc. They have found this HUGELY fulfilling volunteering and in some cases forged life-long friendships. This might be an immediate way of scratching some of the itch you’re feeling, while making a world of difference to people who are struggling.

@Lostandconfused240 I love the idea of living with friends in that kind of way. What a great idea.

Op, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. All I can add is that sometimes it's worth considering the unconventional. Dp was in no way my perfect man on paper and I initially called it a day after one date, but we stayed friends and later went on another date - when the chemistry suddenly kicked in.

A friend in her late 30s went about finding a husband by a recruitment process - she shortlisted online and then organised short coffee dates. It worked and she's been very happy for several years.

I can totally see why you want what you want but can you break it down a bit to work out what it is you really want.

If you found a partner but he didn't want children, would that be OK?

If you were a single mum but therefore had to work, would that be OK?

Would you be happy with a partner and child if you had to work full/part time to make ends meet?

Or will only the full package -partner, child, home-maker - do? Cause that really cuts the pool of possibilities down.

Just checking in to see how you're doing in case you're awake late at night. Xx

thank you so much for the kind messages. kept me going!!

it is just so hard and I jhad the invite yesterday to another engagement party...I just feel alone. another event where I am single and where people feel it is ok to ask you why.

thank you so much for all the posts they have made such a difference.

Hi OP. People can be so socially stupid!!!
I have a friend in your kind of boat. Someone asked her “can I ask you why you don’t have children?”, so she replied by asking “can I ask why don’t you have a second child?”. Love it. Especially coming from her as she is well known and a seeet and kind girl 😆

Hi @user57424
i could have written your post, we are in the same boat. I have come to the realisation that if i want a partner, children, home/ work life balance that i need to go and find it. Where to start tho? Online dating is a mare and i can't seem to find a decent single bloke (before i get flamed, i know they exist!) My job takes up a lot of time and i enjoy going home to my wee house and doing not a lot. Not ideal when I want to do not a lot with someone. It will happen for you OP, when you least expect it. Or so i keep being reminded

Hi @user57424

I read your original post and all your subsequent posts and it felt like you'd reached into my head and written down all my feelings.

I feel exactly the same way you do. I always envisaged that I would have children in a relationship and I can't see past that. People find it really easy to say get a speed donor or adopt, but that's not the way I wanted to have a family.

More and more frequently I think what is the point? I have friends, hobbies, a big family, a social life but when you come home and close the door it's the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that hits you like a freight train.

I don't have any advice sadly, I just wanted to say you are not the only one. I hope that today is a better day. X

User,

you sound like a really lovely person, sometimes life just isn't fair.

Just think.. every party is a possible chance to meet someone new. Even am engagement party! Don’t give up..

I know a few women in your position and I can see how tough it is and just how unfair it feels. All they can do is keep plodding on and finding joy where they can, but it is very clear that the are not living the life they want. Of course that can be said of a great many of us, but it's often because 'the dream' didn't live up to itself (failed marriage, struggling at motherhood etc), rather not even getting a 'go'. Equally hard, just in a very different way.

Have you looked up Gateway Women OP?

but it is very clear that the are not living the life they want. Of course that can be said of a great many of us, but it's often because 'the dream' didn't live up to itself (failed marriage, struggling at motherhood etc), rather not even getting a 'go'. Equally hard, just in a very different way.

Isn't that a key point though here?

OP has rose coloured glasses on and thinks that what she is missing out on is a cookie cutter perfect life with a white picket fence and 2.2 cute children with an adorable smudge of chocolate on their button noses.

It's easier to get focussed on and resentful of that because you feel you never had your turn.

The reality is that the odds of that great cookie cutter life are really low.

The vast majority of people married with children are unhappy in one way or another and if they aren't now, they will be shortly. You just have to look at the posts on this board.

• he was perfect, love bombed me but then turned into a controlling abusive arsehole

-I''m in a worse position than a single mother because he gives me not help and I have to look after him too.

• I've just found text messages from the beautiful younger brilliant colleague he has admitted he wants to have sex with.
• I've found a box of condoms and I'm on the pill
• My teenage son called me a cunt
• We've been married for 20 years, I thought he was my soul mate but he's just left and moved in with his best friend's daughter who is 25

on and on and on.

You have no idea what your life would be like and the fact is that a single life where you are completely in control of your finances and your choices may be a million times better than what is on offer elsewhere.

That's not to say no one with children are very happy - but that life is not perfect and it's much easier to be resentful and depressed if you feel that you never got a shot.

But it's far worse to feel resentful and depressed if you are in a situation not of your own making with children you are stuck with (in the sense that you have to look after for them until they are 18 and you can't send back) when you planned on a a family life but don't end up with that.

The lesser of these two evils is totally being single.

OP.

I was you in my early/mid-30’s and it felt like purgatory :( I said everything you have, pretty much word for word to my family and best friend.

I decided that at 35 I was going to go it alone and have fertility treatment. I figured having a child was the most important thing in the world to me and hopefully a nice partner would follow at some point. I had two rescue cats too, so thought i’d create my own home with a beating heart.

As it happens I met my DH at 35. And had my DS at 39 (after several miscarriages). Currently trying for dc 2 at 41/42 without success but we’ll see.

Anyway, I was lucky. I just scraped in there at the eleventh hour. But it was okay if I didn’t because I had my own plan. I’d also thought that if fertility treatment failed, i’d pursue adoption.

I really think you should plan your own family without a man. I would also recommend getting a pet or two - they are brilliant company, give you a sense of purpose, and make a house feel like a home. Take the pressure off meeting a man. You’ll then have the rest of your life to meet him.

I really do know how you feel. Lots of women will. You aren’t alone.

Xx

Ps, having a child is really tough yes, but bloody brilliant. I think it’s patronising for those who have them to say the grass isn’t greener. If you want a family, you want a family - that’s a primal urge and the reason the vast majority of us do it - you’re no different. Hugs x

OP stop looking & start living. You won’t find anyone until you are happy with you- it’s inside you. Enjoy your life & Mr right will fall into your lap/ you will trip over him. Make a plan, what do you enjoy because that’s what the like minded will be doing- good luck

OP you do not need a partner to make your life complete, you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

Op I have been thinking about you and echo what a poster above says. If you were to go it alone and have a child you have all the time in the world to meet someone. The years up to 3 are hard work on your own but after that it is so much easier. I would happily go on holiday, days out and for dinner with my young dc. They are great company.

I haven't read the full thread. I feel upset reading your posts, I totally get what you're saying. Have you considered a counsellor? He/she may be able to help you find some peace and perhaps acceptance of your current situation.

Also have you considered getting a pet? Maybe a dog? They are so loving and loyal and ready companions. Not as a substitute for what you are craving, but as a panacea.

if I answer the above question honestly...if I KNEW there wouldn't be a future with a family, I wouldn't want to be here. what matters to me is doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, supporting a husband with working life...I do not mean any of this in a disrespectful way to career women (I am one of those right now!!!)...but it isn't what I want. In my heart I want to run a home and have a family. it matters to me more than anything. I could never admit this in real life, in all this detail. I feel ashamed because I am so far from having any of it. a failure.

What if you meet the right man but he doesn't want a wife who runs the house while he works? Or a man who doesn't earn enough to support you and potential children? What if you meet a man who does, and then six months in you find that you desperately long for your career?

My point is, you are dreaming. You have idealised the idea of family life to something that may not necessarily be practical or achievable.

The 'right' man is one who will respect you, treat you as an equal, be loyal, loving and kind, and stand by you in difficult times.

Anything else is a bonus.

Having already decided in your head exactly how your future life with someone that you haven't yet met is going to roll is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Keep online dating. (That's how I met my husband, I was 36 and had been single for 10 years.) But focus on a realistic set of criteria, not a preconceived idea of a fairytale that likely doesn't exist.

Sending a big hug. I felt just like you. It's ok to be disappointed, just don't let it consume you. It will happen, keep putting yourself out there. Can you please do two things for me, first unfollow everyone on Facebook, you don't need to look at happy family pics. Second, I want you to enjoy this time being single. Before you know it you will be planning a wedding and be elbow deep in washing, and while you will love every second of it, you will look back fondly on your single girl days. So please enjoy your time now, and appreciate it.