I'm a parasite to life and I want this to end

[user57424]

After various relationships throughout my twenties and into my thirties, I am still alone. Nothing ever seems to fit.

I've done it all. Dated, been open minded, joined clubs, travelled. And I'm fucking fed up of smiling at the sidelines while people get married, have kids, buy houses together. I don't think I can actually do it anymore.

I'm the odd one out. My parents are happily married, my younger sibling is marrying this year. My parents can't wait to be grandparents and that's all they've talked about all day.

My life is fucking meaningless. I have a job, a home, friends and LITERALLY NOTHING fills the void of wanting a family life. Having a child alone is not what I want and makes me feel so frustrated when people suggest it (I know they are trying to help).

Despite having gone down the career route, deep down, the real me is cooking, cleaning, running a home (I know that isn't for everyone and Im not at all saying it is a woman's 'role.' But it is a role I personally want.

I've started feeling angry about it this weekend. it doesn't seem fair. I don't want to live my life like this. im sick of suggestions that I haven't got out there and haven't given people a chance or im too picky. I have tried, I just haven't found the right out. If I could leave this world right now, I would. I feel so low and useless and like my life is an endless fake show of getting up and going to work all for me. I'm bored of it. I have had enough now.

I don't know why I am posting really. I haven't felt this low in a long time. is there a way out of this that doesn't end with some patronising suggestion that ive done something wrong to be living my life alone.

No answers here but just to say I have been where you are and I really feel your pain.

You are not worthless OP. You are low at the moment and Im not going to minimise how awful you feel at the moment but you are absolutely not worthless. You are someone just as deserving of love as anyone else. and a handhold from me x

Really sorry to read how low you are. I have a couple of friends who went through this in their mid thirties. Both of them took sabbaticals and did some travelling - basically did the kind of stuff that is much harder to do when you are tied down with family life. Both stopped looking for partners too and focused on making new friends/ meeting new people and on making some different memories. They were sick of "watching from the sidelines" too and said their lives were boring and monotonous. It got them out of a rut and both met people on their travels. Neither came back to the UK and both work abroad now although they probably will come back one day. Would you be up for doing something like that?

OP have you had any counselling about all of this, to try and get some support and have a warm supportive person to be there for you and just listen? I think that could really help you.
Something you said about putting your career ahead of relationships in the past caught my eye and I wonder if you subconsciously or overtly blame yourself for that and are feeling a lot of anger towards yourself for the choices you made in the past? (Even though you are doing all the right things now.) The fact that you are feeling like you don't want to be here is a real concern, and I'd urge you to go to your GP and tell them how you are feeling, they will hopefully be able to help you bear this better.
Lots of love to you.

Life is so unfair sometimes. You sound lovely OP sorry I don’t have anything to add on top of what PP have all said.

Not everyone gets everything they want in life. In fact I would say very few people do. And I don’t mean that in a shitty way. I’m in the same boat as you.
I thought very hard about going it alone and decided against it.
You need to talk all this through with someone. Really dig down deep.

It’s shit. I’m not saying otherwise. But you haven’t said how old you are.

If you got pregnant by accident would you keep it and be a single mum. If you think you would, then I would seriously consider a sperm donor. If you can afford it

if I answer the above question honestly...if I KNEW there wouldn't be a future with a family, I wouldn't want to be here

I think you missed the point of what I was trying to say.

Imagine you know there isn't a future with a family but you have to be here...then what would you do differently? what different choices woudl you make today, tomorrow?

What I was trying to get at it is that we sometimes get overly focussed on what might happen and wanting something that might never happen that we don't actually focus on enjoying today.

Put it another way, if Fate told you, you will get what you want but it won't be it won't be for 6 years and 2 months and 5 days so don't waste your time pining for it now, it will happen but nothing you can do can bring it earlier, what would change about how you seek fulfillment? what would you do differently for yourself to make yourself happy?

I get where you are coming from when you want to feel a part of a family and it makes you feel whole. I get that.

The rest I don't. The changing nappies etc is looking through rose tinted glasses. It gets tiring day in and day out. It becomes repetitive. You stop recognising yourself when you turn into a shouty mother and always imagined being that calm, cool and collected mother you see in movies. People hide this side of them very well!

I remember being in hour position but also my life was terrible when it came to work, relationships with family and friends etc too. On top of that I didn't feel like partner material at all and still don't. However even then, things change when you least expect it. I'd say I'm just really lucky I've been blessed with a partner when I don't deserve anyone. I remember the years before that I was really depressed and felt I shouldn't be a part of this world but suicide was never an option.
You do need to find your purpose in life. Just search for meaning of life on YouTube and see what comes up.
When I look back I think of all the things I could have done when I had so much free time. Learning to sew. Gardening (amazing for depression and feeling low). Many other things that could help for post family life. I wasted time not enjoying these things or attaining skills to help me now.
The truth is, things turn around when we least expect it. It is taking longer than you want yes but one of my closest friends married and had children in her late 30s/early 40s and gave up her career, home, everything. So it does happen even when nothing worked out before.
You just have to believe one day it will change for you and keep that light on.
For me, knowing this life is temporary and there is an afterlife puts things into perspective when I'm at my lowest. Heck even the last 8 years have been really hard and I'm in a position you say your give everything up for but it was tough having children with no support system and in a terrible area. I've come out of it stronger but I had to keep believing there was a way out of it for it to happen eventually. It is tough but don't give up.

I hear you OP - slightly different in that I never wanted children, but I totally get the all encompassing loneliness of always coming home on your own to an empty flat, always waking up on your own, year in year out. Yes, you do things with friends but it isn't the same. I too have followed all the usual advice - tried different dating sites, joined different clubs, tried new things, gone on an adventure, stopped looking. Nine years on and nothing. I rarely go on holidays because I want someone to share things with. I haven't had a date in over 7 years. I'm 45 and I'm sorry but I've come to the end of the line of "you never know what's around the corner now" after that long. I could quite easily see myself pulling the plug before too much longer. Yes I have a job, yes I have interests, yes I have friends. But it's not enough for me. I can't explain it, it just isn't.

I have a friend who did want kids and is now 42. She won't go it alone. But she's been single 11 years now, bar three very short-lived things. She's just about hanging in there too.

So I hear you, OP. And while people mean well with the cliches, they actually don't help. Because there's nothing worse than a married friend saying things like "Oh make the most of being single, I fucking loved being single". I turned that back on a friend who came out with that shit once and asked when she was getting a divorce then, if the single life was so great? She went quite for some time and then apologised realising what a patronising thing it was to say.

No questions, no cliches, just I get it OP.

Hi OP, im so sorry to read about how you feel. I’m curious to know how old you are too? Maybe there is still plenty of time to stay positive and keep looking (and try and enjoy the process 😊) and even if you don’t have biological children, you may find someone who has their own kids or you could adopt or foster etc? Elton John adopted at a much later age! I liked the suggestion about looking at dating sites for farmers.
It was interesting reading all the posts. I have been anxious and perhaps a little depressed as I love my partner but he doesn’t meet all my needs (eg emotional/connection stuff) and now that I am pregnant I am suddenly worrying a lot about it and struggling to stay positive! I just wanted to say that when we all know more about eachothers’ honest feelings and worries, it put things into perspective. Like your story made me feel more grateful for the things I do have and makes me feel like if I can shift my mindset I can be happy. I am just going through a negatuve phase. And I hope my story can make you feel some positivity that at least you aren’t experiencing relationship anxiety while pregnant which isn’t fun! I hope that you can remember that these negative feelings will pass someday, like everything does (I love the Buddhist philosophy of impermanence) and there is potential for you to feel happy and grateful in life again- even if now you feel so low. Knowing that everyone has their issues and sadness seems to help! Enjoy some exercise, sunshine and honest talks with friends today if you can. Best wishes x

One thing I have to add is, although it won't make a difference to what you want or whether you can have it, one thing for certain is that you are not useless or a parasite. You're a productive member of society, you hold down a good job, things you do make other people's lives better. If you do decide to top yourself you will be missed. There are some people in this world who have a partner and children yet are the biggest wastes of space going (that's the original meaning of "proletariat", incidentally - those who have nothing to offer society but their ability to breed - obviously it doesn't mean that now). Sadly they will often bring up the next generation to be equally pointless drains on the world's resources. That's not meant as benefit bashing btw. I'm talking about attitude of mind, not employment status.

You may be lonely, you may feel unfulfilled (one of the dirty tricks Nature plays on us). But one thing you are totally not is useless.

OP, a couple of things.motherhood is not like on instagram and Facebook. It can be utterly soul destroying but the moments of happiness do make up for that, but the grass is green but not that lush most of the time!!

Not everyone is lucky enough to meet their soul mate early days and lots of people just settle for something that looks good in photographs and on paper but is not even slightly fulfilling, please don't believe the bullshit. The most beautiful perfect facebook couple I know, have both been arrested for assaulting each other and their children have witnessed so much aggression followed by extravagant parties and social photo opps that their heads must be spinning.

I didn't meet who I consider to be my right other half until I was 43, but I've always felt more whole in relationships and being a woman who enjoys cooking and being homely as well as everything else I understand exactly where you're coming from. There's no shame in wanting that, but please, please don't give up, if anything I admire your patience in not selling for you just anyone, many women do and then end up on here, surprised that they're having a shit time.

Just keep swimming 🐠

You sound depressed, I know it's probably partly due to your unhappiness with your current relationship/life situation, but it seems like getting help for the depression is important as a first port of call.

After that; if you haven't and aren't meeting a potential partner in the current circles in which you move, you're going to have to expand and change those circles, and keep doing so, indefatigably, until you meet potentials.

Whether that involves a move within the country of abroad, taking up hobbies & activities that you've never tried before (important that they are not female dominated and that they allow for sustained, repeated contact and done socialising, not minimal interaction and everyone legging it afterward as done hobbies/sports tend to be).

Keep in mind other females can be a route to a social scene where you could meet their male relative or a man who's not their cup of tea bug could be yours. All socialising, all networking is worth a go.

Have you got a dog or would you like one? They're said to be a good way of starting conversations and you could go to dig related events.

I have a feeling you're around 30/35 and are suffering from being surrounded by the lemming off a cliff marriage and pregnancy thing that happens then, don't panic, hold steady, be positive, enjoy things - aside from anything else desperation and unhappiness come across to most people and are counter productive to meeting someone for a good relationship.

*dog not dig

You're also massively idealising motherhood and sahm- hood. I'm not saying you shouldn't want to do it and I don't understand why you don't want to miss out (I do understand) but it's worth keeping things in perspective - it can be very very hard and looking after kids and housework is still valued very poorly.

You are most definitely NOT a parasite to life. A fundamental tenet of life is that it is not fair. Sometimes people do not get what they want regardless of how nice or deserving they are. It is the way of the world. A few things that come to mind:

• Plenty of people have what you are craving but are not really happy. Just look at the relationships board! There is infidelity, abuse, violence, theft etc. I know there are happy relationships too but it is worth remembering that there are plenty of miserable, awful relationships. People can tick the married with children box so to speak but not be truly happy.

• The same with children....there is an idealised version of parenthood for sure and people do have that. But there are also many complex realities, for example a child who has special or additional needs, mental health issues etc. By the way I am not saying this as to discredit the experience of parenting a child with additional needs, just to say that the reality of being a parent can be far harder and difficult to understand from the outside.

• I really agree with the poster who said if fate intervened and said that what you wanted was not going to be your fate BUT you had to stay here, what would you do? Could you foster, adopt, volunteer, get pets? Is there a place you could channel this energy. If we only live once then whether you have kids or not, marry or not, none of it really matters! If so, what could you do to make this life as happy for you as it possibly can be?

• Remember most people look to other things for happiness. Just as you want the married/family life, someone else is wishing they could be single and free.

I understand how hard it is to want something so much and see that others have it, but you don't. Please to kind to yourself, you are not a waste. Life rarely takes the form we expect, but you can still make this a worthwhile life. Are there women/men in a similar situation that you find inspiring?

Also remember, you never know what may be around the corner. There are no guarantees for sure, but you cannot give up until the fat lady sings! If you're alive, there's a chance.

Hi op. So sorry you are feeling like this, it is shit. I totally get the desire to be part of a family of your own, I do. However, what you see of other people's lives is rarely the full story. Social media is full of lies and half truths and for every image of a wonderful family life you see, who knows what is actually going on.

The other thing is that for all of us the grass can appear greener on the other side. I have 3 kids who I love to bits but fucking hell... I often really, really envy my child free friends. This is not to minimise your pain, though.

thank you for the posts. I just feel so lost. I know that children wouldn't suddenly mean that every momemt of my day I was fulfilled and happy...probably there would be days where I thought what the hell have I done!

but I am not part of anything real. I am a member of clubs and activities, but honestly, a walking group or tennis team is NOT the same as a coming home to a real everyday life that you are part of with someone else. there is nothing that can replace it. everytime I leave my friends' houses, it's a home, with a beating heart full of love and plans. that does not exist when you are single. what I am trying to say is that nothing will ever be enough to fill that void for me and I am so sad about it.

the grass of course isn't always greener, but to live your life as part of something, part of your child's life, your husband/wife's life, that matters to me more than anything. I would rather be married with kids and divorced than single and childless.

I am frustrated I guess and this si the first time ever I have felt anger/self pity about it. it is not a nice feeling. in the past I have brushed this off very well but it is too much to cope with now. my sibling is 4 years younger than me and getting married. all of my friends are married or in relationships. it is lonely.

what people don't understand about being alone in your thirties is that it is sometimes quite scary. my whole life is down to me to support myself, even financially, I don't have another team member to pay the mortgage. I KNOW married people have money worries, but they share them with someone. it is different.

I hate living like this and after being positive and upbeat for so long, hoping one day it would change, I have now just given up. I hate all of this. I don't want to go to work and be paid good money just for me. who the fuck wants that. it is a sad and lonely life. im done pretending I am happy about it

Mate don't call yourself or anyone else a parasite. Your friends, family, colleagues and community all value you highly. I'm really sorry you're feeling so shit and I do hope it changes for you, but no way are you a drain on anyone. Far from it. People like you are supporting the economy and the present and future of our world. We need you.

OP, it's telling what you say about wanting a home with a beating heart. My partners mother had three children and was divorced. All her children now live in different countries. She lives with two female friends in a lovely little house. They are all older women, one never had children but travels, the other had one child (who also lives overseas). It is not a conventional setup, but it definitely has a heartbeat. The three are always coming and going, eat together etc, they share responsibility for a dog.

I know it is not the same as having a husband or children, but there are less conventional setups that are possible these days which might help with some of the lonely feeling. Other options might be opening a room for rent or letting OS students stay. These aren't intended to be a cure for how you feel, just options to experiment with.

Just remember you are not alone and many feel how you do. You are not wrong for feeling how you do, and have been strong and positive for a long time.

Also, it sounds like what you are seeking (and missing) in part at least, is feeling valued. Having consistency in sharing life with someone and feeling validated by that. Can you think of other ways that you can find value outside of family life? This is not to replace family life, but just to help to take the edge/sting off of the feeling.

A very inspirational woman I know in her 80s never married or had kids. She used to volunteer for elephants and found it immensely rewarding. She was part of a community of people, lived out there and seemed very content. Again not saying this is for you, but just that there are many ways to skin a cat so to speak.

I had this in my early 30s and so did many friends (i didn’t ever have the SAHM fantasy - though am currently doing that for this year, but did desperately want the right man and kids). As it happened I got together with my now husband and had kids, and so did my friends - some of them getting partners a bit later, with kids coming in their early 40s. It’s very hard and makes you feel like an idiot Bridget Jones figure (well it did me).

However, what helped me was to reclaim my life on my terms. I decided I needed to feel that if I didn’t have kids I would still have a good life. I did a whole bunch of stuff, volunteering, travelling world on my own, studies, I even took up extreme sports. In retrospect it was a time of real growth for me and had some wonderful upsides. There’s loss as well as gain in having children - and I have been one of the lucky ones so far, with easy kids without health problems etc. There are also beautiful things in a single life - even if it isn’t your preference

So sorry you are feeling like this OP. The thing is, so few people really have the life you're after. Many are in unhappy marriages, or are left to be single parents etc etc.

I think you should seriously consider having a child on your own. It would fulfill your need for having someone to work for, to look after etc. And being a single parent won't preclude you from meeting someone.

I'm seriously thinking instead of selling our home as h wants so he can divorce me easily I should set up a commune for women who just want to live without the stress of men! I don't want to be on my own either, I have a poorly paid job, my kids were my life, they are adults. Look life is pretty poor for many of us who is in?