Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What’s it called when ‘D’H.........

79 replies

FrontRowSeat · 31/03/2019 15:59

is in a mood/sulking about an unknown issue, but he tries to make out it’s because of something you’ve said/done (even though it clearly isn’t and he was sulking before your ‘misdemeanour’)? Then he does some low level ‘goading’ as if he is trying to provoke you into an argument?

Sorry I’m not explaining this very well - It’s quite difficult to put into writing. I don’t think it’s gaslighting but I’m sure there’s a name for it.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/03/2019 16:37

Emotionally abusive arsehole, is what I'd call it.
And yes, trying to provoke you into a row so he can blame you for it.

Best response is to completely ignore it - look up "grey rock" and that's what you want to do - it confuses the hell out of them! pisses them off too, but they don't want to be the one who breaks first, otherwise they look too much like the "bad guy". They WANT to shout at you, but you need to start it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/03/2019 16:38

Whoops - pressed send too soon -
So DON'T start it. Let him stew. Ignore, carry on with your day and wait it out.

timeisnotaline · 31/03/2019 16:42

But the dc will learn to accommodate it. If you really MUST stay (which you really don’t have to do, and shouldn’t) , you have to model behaviours that they can learn to deal with. ‘Daddy’s in a mood so let’s leave him alone but we can still have a great night, shall we watch a movie/ go for a walk/ make pancakes , and if daddy cheers up he can join. But If he tent cheered up he wont cone because he doesn’t want to spoil our fun too! Always brightly. You have to teach them coping mechanisms to retain a healthy sense of self worth.

Original poster
FrontRowSeat · 31/03/2019 16:45

Thank you everyone. Very helpful. I hadn’t even thought about the kids picking up on it. Will start working my way through the linksFlowers

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 31/03/2019 16:45

You can do all of those things, but where is the fun in doing it with tears in your eyes and a fake smile plastered on?

Its a horrible, horrible feeling.

81Byerley · 31/03/2019 16:48

Do you know the book "I Will Never Not Ever Eat a Tomato" ? Well change the title: I Will Never Not Ever stay with my twat of a husband for the sake of the children. It harms the children more for you to stay than to go.

Original poster
FrontRowSeat · 31/03/2019 16:55

81 we have that tomato book!!! I’ll never read it in the same light again. Oh god I have a lot of thinking to do now!

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 31/03/2019 16:58

I know it’s hard when you have kids, but honestly, they’re not stupid no matter how old they are. Children are happier with separated parents than unhappily still together parents.

OldAndWornOut · 31/03/2019 17:01

It's a regularly insidious way of bullying, I think.
It ensures that slowly everything revolves around him and his moods, which can change in the blink of an eye.

PicsInRed · 31/03/2019 17:02

Try giving him no reaction to his attempts to wind you up. Just be totally cool.

I bet you find that he becomes quite angry.

I tried this test and that was how I confirmed that my twat had been deliberately winding me up for years, using me and my reaction as a conduit through which to vent his own - considerable - rage.

PicsInRed · 31/03/2019 17:04

In other words, he would deliberately make me angry, and witnessing my anger made his own anger dissipate. Like I was his rage lightening rod. If I didn't get angry on his behalf his anger would boil over.

Bastard. Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 17:05

FrontRowSeat

You indeed have a lot of thinking to do now. I would also consider what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

re your comment:-
"I would happily walk away and get a divorce if it wasn’t for the DC. They’re not old enough to understand splitting up but young enough to be hurt and confused".

Do not use these children as the reason for you staying with their dad. It is precisely because of these children that you should leave him and they should not be used as the glue here. You cannot and must not use your kids as a reason to stay with their dad; you cannot be so afraid of change or the unknown.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?.

They are indeed seeing all this and your reactions to it both spoken and unspoken. They are both hurt and confused by it; they cannot express what is going on so act in other ways. You may find already that they are modifying their behaviour around their dad by being super responsible and or compliant so as to try to not set him off. This sort of thing can and does affect people, its already triggering you and it will also affect them. Its already affecting them.

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2019 17:08

He's in a bad mood. That's what it is called. So he's trying to provoke an argument because of his mood, and doesn't wish to admit he's in one so trying to make it your fault, because, well, he's in a bad mood. And no one can do right when he's in a bad mood.

RandomMess · 31/03/2019 17:11

It's actually an abuse and control tactic.

Good luck with deciding to leave Thanks

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 31/03/2019 17:12

The childish behaviour of these men never fail to amaze me.They just cant adult..thy can;t converse a problem and sort it out...they think the world owes them something cos they are so special and so right...yet they are so wrong! and there appears to be thousands of these men about...they are all sadly lacking...I just dont understand it at all...are they born like this? are they brought up like this? or is it learned behaviour?I would really love to know if anyone can shed any light on this genuinely...where does it come from?

OldAndWornOut · 31/03/2019 17:16

I don't think there is an exact formula, but usually dysfunctional upbringing features a lot.
Possibly one parent of a similar ilk?

Then a lot of them have other problems like addictions of some kind..
Its quite complex.

JaneEyre07 · 31/03/2019 17:16

I firmly believe that people only behave in ways that they are enabled to.... you are thinking of the DC so you tiptoe around these moods and he then thinks it's working on you. So you're creating a vicious circle.

Life's really too short to live with such a twat. Honestly. Set yourself free. Don't think your DC will thank you for staying, because they won't.

longtimelurkerhelen · 31/03/2019 17:17

My dh used to do this at the start of our relationship. I stood it a few times but it was unbearable. I told him I don't mind having an argument but the silent treatment has to stop or we would split. He stopped.

I have since found out that his father did this (and still does), so maybe it is a learned behavior.

CitrusDreams · 31/03/2019 17:17

Gaslighting / projection ?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 31/03/2019 17:22

Is he pissed off that's it's Mother's day?

oneforthepain · 31/03/2019 17:22

Coercive control.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Teaching your children that this is an acceptable way to be treated and modelling this toxic environment as their healthy relationships baseline will screw up their whole future.

You're doing the opposite of protecting them by staying.

jamaisjedors · 31/03/2019 17:23

God yes, read my threads (quoted above - sulking DH), and you will see that staying or just putting up with it will not make it go away.

I have had 12 years of this, (married longer but the behaviour stepped up after second DC).

I begged h to go to counseling either alone or with me, and he wouldn't.

At Christmas I said I wanted to leave. He asked me to stay and get counseling for 6 months.

We are 3 months in and there is absolutely no change despite his behaviour being pointed out by the therapist.

This doesn't mean your H won't change, but he will need to admit that this behaviour is corrosive and is not a healthy way to resolve conflict. My H is not prepared to admit that, so sadly I am making plans to leave.

I understand about the DC, it is tearing me apart too. Sad

jamaisjedors · 31/03/2019 17:24

Keep posting, I have has some totally amazing advice and support from people on here.

OldAndWornOut · 31/03/2019 17:25

For me it all felt like such a waste to let what was sometimes so wonderful get worn away.