What’s it called when ‘D’H.........

[FrontRowSeat]

is in a mood/sulking about an unknown issue, but he tries to make out it’s because of something you’ve said/done (even though it clearly isn’t and he was sulking before your ‘misdemeanour’)? Then he does some low level ‘goading’ as if he is trying to provoke you into an argument?

Sorry I’m not explaining this very well - It’s quite difficult to put into writing. I don’t think it’s gaslighting but I’m sure there’s a name for it.

Displacement and passive aggression. Together they make for a borderline personality trait. Has he ever been treated for mental health problems?

'Yes' to the children will internalise the dynamics between you and DH, but you mustn't berate yourself for that, it's all too common for so many of us. If he can see sense and change he can help turn things around, but if not you'd have to think seriously about striking out on your own and sparing yourself and the children the misperception that his behaviour is acceptable.

The kids are learning that it's not acceptable to take up emotional space: that's Daddy's province. It's ok to be with someone who sulks and stonewalls instead of communicating: that's how Daddy and Mummy did it. I'm sure he's lovely sometimes but if this is his base state you'll all be happier out of it.

My H is not prepared to admit that, so sadly I am making plans to leave. I understand about the DC, it is tearing me apart too

I've been reading some of your thread. Please try not to be torn apart - sounds like you have tried EVERYTHING to make this work, but it takes two. This is your H's doing, not yours

Is he pissed off that's it's Mother's day?

Now, there's a thought! It often comes out on what should be a special occasion, especially if that special occasion is for you in particular (as opposed to Christmas, for instance).

There is another side to the so called passive aggressive. I have a temper that I normally keep under control. I also have a v nasty tpunge, that I also try to keep under control. In some arguements/disagreements with people I love, I will sometimes walk away and seem to sulk. What I'm actually trying to do is to get over my hurt feelings and not respond to MY hurt feelinsituatiin respond to their hurt feelings. It sometimes takes some time. But I'm honestly not doing it to hurt the other person. I'm taking myself away in order to try to understand them, so I can apologize appropriately or to explain myself and my hurt in language that doesn't inflame the situation

psychological projection (Thank you Freud :) or splitting )- often found in people with borderline personality disorder

There's the difference.

Certainly in my case, H claims he is avoiding inflaming the conflict (which incidentally I don't know anything about) BUT crucially, never comes back to either apologize, explain, or esolve the conflict afterwards.

So he has "calmed himself down" but the conflict is nowhere near resolved and will pop up again the future.

Is this true for you OP? Or will your partner apologize or explain afterwards?

@user1471453601

What you are doing is different, you are walking away to calm down, process your feelings, then if appropriate apologise.

What some men/women do is go silent to punish.

I do think men have more of a tendency to withdraw when something is wrong.
Often they'll go out when things start to get a bit heated.

@user1471453601, but why are you so angry, that it takes you so long to cool down. Does it not disturb you when you see a loved one hurt? This is what snaps me out of a mood or irritability, knowing that I could hurt the people I love.

Also did you see this behaviour modelled when you were growing up?

Op, the implications for the DC is that they will think Dads feelings are valid and attribute blame to either themselves or you. This is what started to happen with my DC, I wasn't aware of the extent of it until I left. Read the Verbally Abusive Relsionship by Patricia Evans as it will highlight what is happening.

You’re all being so supportive. Thank you.

Aidel - yes 95% of the time he is lovely and a hands-on dad - is the other 5% that lets him down.

Reenchantment - no he's never been treated for MH issues (although sometimes I think he’s depressed).

Jamaica - best of luck to you. You sound brave and you’ve obviously tried so hard.

Attila - im in a bit of shock as you suggested looking at my own upbringing - my parents were always screaming at each other and irritable. Now my brother and I are ridiculously compliant to the extent we’ve followed paths we didn’t want to follow just so we didn’t ‘anger’ our parents. I can’t believe I’ve only just made the connection so thank you.

It's called codependence.
These things often follow a pattern, even though both parties may not realise it.
Or possibly may..

Lifebegins50 - I will get that book. Do you mind me asking whether your DC seemed to blame you or themselves? It’s heartbreaking to think children (and my DC) are blaming themselves.

Blaming. Inability to take responsibility for his own actions.

I stayed with my ex for over 20 yrs, despite knowing he was like this....and more. I thought staying together as a family was better than not having a dad around for them. I tried all sorts, including speaking very bluntly to him, giving him a set amount of time to make an effort etc. Once it got to GCSE and A Level stages for the DC it never seemed the right time to split up.

The thing is, he also never put the effort in with our kids either, and as they grew older they could see it for themselves. The effect this had on them manifested itself in certain ways. I always told him if he treated the kids the same way he treated me I’d leave him...and he did. He tried blaming DD1 for the reason he started smoking for example.

In the end it was DD who was saying we should split up and she didn’t want anything to do with her dad. Years later, they have no relationship with him, and have no plans to as they realise the extent to which he tries to mess with peoples’ heads - all those close to him.

Looking back, would I have done it differently given the chance again - yes I would. He only brought negatives to their lives.

OP I’m in no way saying LTB to you - have never and hopefully will never say that on MN, because everyone’s relationship is different. All I can say is I was mistaken in hoping my ex would change. Sometimes having someone EA around, even if he is a parent, is the wrong thing to do simply because he is a parent.

@aidelmaidel

yy re emotional space!

His emotions trump yours.

The dc are learning that daddy’s emotions are paramount. That it’s your job and theirs to dance to his (silent) tune.

They think he is in charge. And he is!

They risk replicating this dynamic in their adult relationships.

Keep posting on here, OP. The advice and support you’ll get is second to none.

People who are suggesting he is showing traits of personality disorder are over-egging it though. He isn’t that special. He’s a common or garden entitled man. There are thousands of them about.

Do read up on co-dependency.

Have maybe have a chat to a solicitor about how things might look if you had a future without him dragging you all down.

His behaviour is called 'fulfilling criteria for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour', I would have thought?
Your DCs will be much better out of the situation, as will you, OP.

It's called 'best only endured for ten minutes at most either end of Every Other Weekend'.

user1471etc - I think it is different, what you do, than what the OP's husband is doing.
Walking away so you can calm down, come back and apologise = fine (although the walking away bit can be seen as inflammatory by some).

Walking away, refusing to talk, refusing to engage and never apologising = coercive control, emotional abuse, bullying etc. because it puts the other person on the back foot - the other person will then tippytoe around, making sure that they don't further upset the silent one, trying to bring them round by being compliant.

Massive difference.

He tried blaming DD1 for the reason he started smoking for example

Just when I think I've heard it all. No wonder the kids didn't want him in their lives eventually.

is in a mood/sulking about an unknown issue

This is key and why it's different to others who may need some space to cool off and come back ready to talk. You weren't even arguing by the sound of it. It's just like one day he wakes up and feels like a sulk in order to control you all. As you say, he would snap out of it in a jiffy if friends/relatives came round. So the feelings don't go deep, it's all about controlling you.

This is certainly true for my H.

He can snap out of while there are others around and go right back to it afterwards. And I have no idea where the mood/sulk has come from - he likes to get me to play a guessing game afterwards because "I know" what I've done.

I played that game for years and felt guilty, I'm not going to do it anymore.

How are you today OP?

Being a twat - I divorced my husband for it. Creating an atmosphere all over the place. DD (aged 7 at the time) was so much happier and more care-free (once she got over being sad about the split) as we no longer have to tip-toe round Mr. grouch.

Op, I tended to be the target, when we separated he started on the DC but it helped that I validated their feelings so now as they are older they say "he is just so unreasonable". Younger children who don't have someone to validate their experiences will blame themselves.

Ex can control his moods. I recall asking him a question and he spat his answer to me, full of contempt. DC entered the room and asked the same question and got a totally different response. It stunned me.
It is about control and it's very complex to unravel. Ex did acknowledge PA behaviour and even went to counselling for a year, it just made the aggression overt since his issue was his entitlement and his thought processes.

STBXH?