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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband resents new baby

92 replies

Wafflecone · 30/03/2019 15:36

Hi everyone, first time posting here and I hope someone out there has some helpful advice. My DH and I had our first baby 7 weeks ago and pretty much since we got home after the birth he developed a resentment for our son. He has little patience with his crying and typical newborn behaviour to the point of getting really angry with him. Until recently he has been outright angry with our son almost to the point that I was sometimes afraid to leave them alone together. His anger has calmed now but he still shows his frustration by calling our son a "little shit" and a "little crap", which I hate. My DH says he needs an outlet for his frustrations, which is why he uses these words. He says he doesn't really mean it and I should grow a thicker skin. I have tried to be patient and tolerant as I know we've both been through a lot in becoming new parents and sleep deprivation would make anyone half-crazed, but it's got to the point that I've started to really resent my DH for the things he says and the way he behaves towards our little one. We've talked about the issue a few times and each time we end in a stalemate, so I am reluctant to bring it up again without knowing what to suggest to make things better.

For context, we both wanted to become parents and it was a mutual decision - my DH wanted children more than me in fact. He has been baby-obsessed since we got married, loves kids and is extremely kind and patient with our friends babies. He is usually a kind and loving person, which is why this sudden resentful and angry side of him has shaken me even more than it might otherwise.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or have any advice?
I don't know if this will get better with time or whether it's something we need to deal with now, maybe with counselling or finding someone impartial to talk to. (Though having said that I don't know how open my DH would be to talking to a counsellor).

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 30/03/2019 15:38

OMG . I couldn't stay with someone who talked about my baby like that ! So sorry. This should be the happiest time in your life x

MIA12 · 30/03/2019 15:43

I’m afraid the only way I’d be dealing with a partner who called our newborn a ‘little shit’ would be kicking him out.

pointythings · 30/03/2019 15:45

This isn't acceptable and your H needs to stop talking to his son like that at once. He needs counselling/anger ,management or he needs to leave. Having a young baby is hugely stressful, but he knew he was going to be a parent. If he's like this now, how is he going to handle the toddler stage? The teenage stage? You have to stand firm with him now and make him deal.

LadyRoughDiamond · 30/03/2019 15:51

My DH is a GP - he did a SS referral this week because a father was calling a baby exactly those sorts of names. This is NOT acceptable and cannot go unchallenged.

Beclaboo · 30/03/2019 15:51

Is he perhaps jealous now your attention has been turned? Have you always been quite focused on him in the past? And he is taking it out on your poor son? Seems odd to me how he really wanted a baby and has spent time with other babies, how did he expect a newborn to act?

Shazafied · 30/03/2019 15:51

I have a 15mo and am 35w pregnant with no 2. Having a baby is HARD. Having a toddler is HARD. The sleep deprivation will go on for a while. There is no way I’d tolerate my DH speaking to or about my innocent little baby like this. Babies do not ask to be born.

If I was in your shoes I would kick off massively and tell him he needs to grow up, shut up, help .... or fuck off.

What’s he going to be like with toddler tantrums if he can’t cope with normal baby crying ?!!!

Allways123 · 30/03/2019 15:51

Wow. How can he speak about his own baby like that. I wouldn't feel safe leaving the baby with him. Why does he feel so stressed anyway. His reaction is not normal and way off the scale. How can he change so rapididly if he really wanted to be a parent. He's verbally abusive toward an innocent baby. His own. He obviously wants it to make you upset as well and that's why he's saying it in front of you to see your reaction. If this is how he is then he's not safe for you or the baby in my opinion . I would view this as a child protection issue too. He is obviously abusive. Don't leave the baby with him if that's his behaviour in front of you.How dare he tell you to have a thick skin. Your a mother and someone is abusing your baby and that someone is it's father.

Shazafied · 30/03/2019 15:52

Honestly OP it’s not on at all. I’d be very very close to kicking him out if I were you.

WhiteWine4TheLady · 30/03/2019 15:53

There is just no excuse for a grown man to behave like this towards a tiny baby. It’s very very worrying and in your situation, If be asking him to leave. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/03/2019 15:55

He needs to be gone from your lives as of right now.

There is nothing you can do or say to make this better and your only real option is to remove your son and your own self entirely.

This abusive man is now totally put out because all your emphasis is now rightly on your son, this defenceless child rather than he. His position as the number 1/the Big I am has been usurped and this is his way of showing his power and control over you and in turn your son now. My guess as well is that he has not treated you too dissimilarly either and you have also walked on eggshells around him. What he showed you before was an act, this side of him was
well hidden and with his friends children he could give them back.
What do you know about his family background, that will also give you clues here.

Do not stand for this at all, this is your child and he is being verbally abused by his dad already. He is not cut out to be a father and he is not a decent husband to you either now. You need to leave your abuser asap and make a life for yourself and your son without him in it day to day. You cannot stand by and do nothing.

No to any form of joint counselling nor anger management; neither works with abusive men. I would think he does not have an anger management problem because he can and does control himself around other people and does not act like this in the outside world. It is at home that his true abusive and bullying nature emerges.

Nowordsleft · 30/03/2019 15:55

No agree with pp to be firm now. Tell him it’s unacceptable. Tbh I would personally leave.

There is a horrible story in the news today where a man has shaken his baby in anger. I bet it started with him calling the baby names.

ScarletBitch · 30/03/2019 15:55

Omg you need to leave him before I report him myself..

Seniorschoolmum · 30/03/2019 15:56

I couldn’t trust someone like that with my child. I understand your concern. Can you talk to his parents or a GP. I think you need to get him some help quickly.

Original poster

Wafflecone · 30/03/2019 15:57

SS referral?

OP posts:

Chocolate35 · 30/03/2019 15:58

No no no! This is not ok. You need to make it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and you need to keep a log of it. If my perfect man was horrible to my kids he would be gone. The beginning IS hard but so are the toddler years and the teen years. It’s all hard but it’s also amazing and someone with an uncontrollable temper that you don’t even feel safe leaving your baby alone with is not the sort of person you want to bring your child up with. Don’t wait until it’s he’s gone that one step too far.

Allways123 · 30/03/2019 16:00

Mothers instinct is to protect your own baby. Don't let him shut off your own instinct of what is right and wrong. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks his behaviour is wrong. I think he's abusive and testing to see what will put up with it now that you have got a baby for him. He feels that your more vulnerable and dependent on him. It's funny how he changed so quickly once the baby is born. Don't be scared to walk away for your safety and that of your son if you really need to.

Figgygal · 30/03/2019 16:00

SS = Social services op

He's totally out of order and needs to sort his shit out

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/03/2019 16:00

I would start opening up to other people like your parent, GP and your health visitor too about what is happening at home re your H. Their support could also be invaluable to you but ultimately OP you need to leave your H. Your son at a mere 7 weeks of age is already being verbally abused and there is no justification for this. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

The only person the OP can help ultimately is her own self and her son.

MrsTeaspoon · 30/03/2019 16:01

Oh lovely, this is not acceptable and I think you know it’s not. It’s easy to seem patient/gentle with other people’s children as you get to give them back, your husband is allowing anger to control his behaviour with your defenceless baby and this is inexcusable and very concerning as he seems to think it’s ok to and it’s not!! Please don’t downplay it. I would immediately take my baby away to a completely safe environment or tell husband to leave. I would also inform the HV so they know you are being transparent with them - at the end of the day your vulnerable baby needs you to put him before this man’s selfish ego and abusive manner. Good luck. Talk calmly but firmly - there is NO excuse for such cruel behaviour.

ScarletBitch · 30/03/2019 16:09

Yes OP, he is being abusive towards a 7 week old baby, please please listen to us. This is a Child Protection issue and you are right to be concerned.

warriorprincessandwidowed · 30/03/2019 16:12

Surprised your still with him.

Toomanystorieslost · 30/03/2019 16:12

This is definitely not okay.
Calling your baby names likr that is not an acceptable outlet that he gets to say well I'm doing in because it stops him being frustrated.

If he starts doing this regularly now do you honestly think ita going to stop when baby is one or two?

Do you really want your child to ve old enough to understand this anger and resentment?

Like someone said above it's easy not to behave like this with someone else's child who you can give back.

babba2014 · 30/03/2019 16:13

Having a new baby is hard. However normally the cuteness of the baby gets you through the early stages which is the hardest. He is out of order.
His words are foul and he needs to sort himself out.
Sadly I remember from my birth board many men upping and leaving. They give up so easily. He needs to fix his head and be the dad he needs to be. It's harder being the mother going through the birth and all the hormones and body changes after!

Toomanystorieslost · 30/03/2019 16:13

Apologies for awful spelling. My phone screen is knackered.

Bagpuss5 · 30/03/2019 16:18

Sounds like he is totally out of his depth, doesn't know how to cope with a baby.
What was his childhood like? Why was he so desperate to have a baby?
There is probably some background issues.
HV is a good start - I would think she will be out sharpish if you tell her your concerns. He needs to change smartish or you will have to keep baby from him.

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