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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband resents new baby

92 replies

Wafflecone · 30/03/2019 15:36

Hi everyone, first time posting here and I hope someone out there has some helpful advice. My DH and I had our first baby 7 weeks ago and pretty much since we got home after the birth he developed a resentment for our son. He has little patience with his crying and typical newborn behaviour to the point of getting really angry with him. Until recently he has been outright angry with our son almost to the point that I was sometimes afraid to leave them alone together. His anger has calmed now but he still shows his frustration by calling our son a "little shit" and a "little crap", which I hate. My DH says he needs an outlet for his frustrations, which is why he uses these words. He says he doesn't really mean it and I should grow a thicker skin. I have tried to be patient and tolerant as I know we've both been through a lot in becoming new parents and sleep deprivation would make anyone half-crazed, but it's got to the point that I've started to really resent my DH for the things he says and the way he behaves towards our little one. We've talked about the issue a few times and each time we end in a stalemate, so I am reluctant to bring it up again without knowing what to suggest to make things better.

For context, we both wanted to become parents and it was a mutual decision - my DH wanted children more than me in fact. He has been baby-obsessed since we got married, loves kids and is extremely kind and patient with our friends babies. He is usually a kind and loving person, which is why this sudden resentful and angry side of him has shaken me even more than it might otherwise.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or have any advice?
I don't know if this will get better with time or whether it's something we need to deal with now, maybe with counselling or finding someone impartial to talk to. (Though having said that I don't know how open my DH would be to talking to a counsellor).

OP posts:
Toomanystorieslost · 30/03/2019 19:05

*male
I hate my phone...

Userisi · 30/03/2019 19:06

Yep he needs help, I mean more the "red flag LTB" end of story replies. He sounds like a man in need of help to me, not necessarily an abuser, though I appreciate we've been given limited information.

MaverickSnoopy · 30/03/2019 19:28

I'm really surprised there are so many ltb responses vs PND responses. In this modern day and age when we're all trying to forster education about mental health issues, is it so hard to believe that a new father who has a previous good character might have PND?

OP, you know him best. Looking back were there abusive regards flags? Is this the only thing he's doing? How is he towards you? Does he seem down in other ways?

He was a kind man who was keen to become a dad. I think that we must give him the benefit of the doubt but that the OP does need to act. OP I would first show him this thread so that he can see that other people think this is not acceptable and not just you. Make sure you are safe though, maybe have someone else in the house. I think you also need to speak to your HV and say you think he has PND and ask what support there is for new dad's. I also think that you need to not leave them alone together until you have worked this out one way or the other.

This isn't normal behaviour and it sounds horrible for everyone involved. A new baby is a shock and some people deal with it differently to others. His outbursts aren't acceptable though and depending on how he responds to your suggestions will help you to decide what to do next.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/03/2019 19:57

I'm really surprised there are so many ltb responses vs PND responses.

He may indeed have PND, but the point is he is showing aggression towards the baby.

It only takes a moment for that venom to escalate in a flash of anger into shaking.

OP is already afraid to leave the baby with him.

And she gave birth, not him. The order of needs is - the baby, her - then him. The last thing either her or the baby need is to be living with the threat of an angry man.

He needs to be out of the house and then the cause of this can be explored, but firstly the baby and she need a secure, peaceful home.

BrendasUmbrella · 30/03/2019 20:04

If you're afraid to leave them alone together something needs to be done. You are afraid your DH will harm your baby.

Speak to your health visitor. It's easy to say "just leave" but if you just walk out without any proof of your concerns he will be able to have unsupervised access, even if only a few hours. Especially as it sounds like you will have people queuing up to say how lovely he is with their babies.

A social services referral may not be the worst thing? At best it could shock him into seeing how terribly he is acting and seeking help. And if you do leave then the relevant authorities will know it was out of concern for your child.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 30/03/2019 20:24

Extremely worrying behaviour.
Utterly unacceptable.
I couldn't bear to be in the same house with a man like that.

Worried2019 · 30/03/2019 23:15

PLEASE LEAVE NOW

GCAcademic · 30/03/2019 23:24

Here is a story about a new dad who got angry with his child’s crying, shouted at her to shut up, and called her names. It didn’t end well:

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/11/06/fatherconvicted-murdering-18-month-old-adopted-daughter/

Weenurse · 30/03/2019 23:32

Ask him to see GP for assessment for PND

Allways123 · 30/03/2019 23:36

This is a shocking story. And I don't think that guy has PND either. I think OP should leave.

MsDogLady · 30/03/2019 23:40

You’ve “talked about” his anger but are “reluctant” to bring it up again.
He says he needs an outlet for his frustrations.
He says I should grow a thicker skin.

Is the baby supposed to grow a thicker skin?

This is horrifying. Do you not understand the danger here? You are allowing this brute to abuse your defenseless little baby. He will feel terror and you must protect him.

If he is terrorizing the baby when you are present, can you imagine what happens when you leave?

Have you ever seen a child with Shaken Baby Syndrome? A psychologically mistreated child with attachment, developmental, educational and behavioral problems? I have and there are no words.

I would not stay with this man for one more minute. You will not be able to talk him out of abusing your son. Tell the doctor. Protect your baby and get out.

RainbowMum11 · 31/03/2019 00:00

Babies have no idea at all what's going on, the only way they can communicate is by crying - yes it can be frustrating and exhausting, but that is life with a baby - if he can't handle it, he needs to get help or leave.
When they are toddlers, they have a bit more awareness but are also completely self focused (understandably) and have different ways of getting attention and communicating which is very rarely in line with how an adult would respond (in your H's situation though, I'd disagree).
Please speak to someone about this because if I were you, I wouldn't want him in the same house as my baby.

aidelmaidel · 31/03/2019 00:18

I called DD a little shit more than once, but I did try to do it where she couldn't hear me. New babies are hard. What saved us was a run of sessions with a couples counselor--we actually got that as part of social services, which I'm still grateful for. Helped us get a lot of things into perspective.

Blondebakingmumma · 31/03/2019 05:02

Tell him to leave the house and don’t come back until he has an attitude adjustment. I could not tolerate that behaviour

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/03/2019 05:10

Would he call him these names in front of his parents? At the GP Surgery? In the queue at Tesco? If the answer is no then deep down he knows that he’s wrong and his excuse about needing an outlet is ridiculous.

I think you need to encourage him to have a chat to his GP. Men can get postnatal depression too. It doesn’t sound like he’s coping at all well with having a new baby.

StormcloakNord · 31/03/2019 05:20

If a mother came on here saying she has been struggling with a newborn and she's scared at how angry she gets and she finds herself saying things about her baby that are awful, every single person would send "flowers" and "hugs" and tell her to get to the GP/HV asap for a PND diagnosis.

Who am I kidding tho we are on mumsnet, men are dogs and you should definitely kick him out because it's completely unacceptable and he is a twat. Hmm

PhillipeFellope · 31/03/2019 05:54

But he's not scared of how angry he gets StormcloakNord ( unless I've missed that) he thinks op needs to grow a thicker skin and accept him being angry and calling a newborn baby sweary names. It is not OK. I would not be leaving him alone with my baby, ever.

Tavannach · 31/03/2019 06:07

Consider calling Women's Aid. They may be able to suggest agencies which can help your DH, and offer advice on your situation. In the meantime make it clear that you don't need a thicker skin. If he feels like calling the baby a little shit he must leave the house immediately until he's able to control himself.

Nowordsleft · 31/03/2019 07:42

It’s very early days for him to be finding his anger hard to control. I would be very concerned.

MumUndone · 31/03/2019 08:01

To those implying it's not that big of a deal, have you read the whole of OP's first post?? It's not so much the name calling that's worrying (if distasteful) it's the fact OP is worried about leaving her baby alone with her DH! Yes, he needs help but it is also very, very concerning.

madcatladyforever · 31/03/2019 08:09

Never leave them alone together. It would only take one outburst of anger and one shaking incident.
He doesn't sound very stable.

Yogagirl123 · 31/03/2019 08:20

You must be so worried OP Flowers

Never leave him alone with baby. Have you spoken to your HV about this?

Is it jealousy? Is he resentful that understandably baby has to come first.

Do you have anyones support in RL. That could look after baby, while you have a serious talk with your partner. This situation really can’t carry on, it’s completely unacceptable OP.

Wishing you lots of luck OP, keep yourself and baby safe, their is no shame, it’s not your fault why he’s behaving this way, please get some help in RL.

NoShoeShops · 31/03/2019 08:24

Have you ever seen a child with Shaken Baby Syndrome

Yes, I’ve seen babies who have been shaken. With various outcomes. It’s horrific.

sparkling123 · 31/03/2019 08:41

This must be incredibly stressful for you OP but you must get some help immediately, talk to someone, the midwife or your gp.
This isn't normal behaviour and has all the signs that it could get worse, from an outsiders point of view it sounds like your baby could be in danger. Please get help and don't leave your husband with the baby. And please don't hang on hoping he changes.

flyings0l0 · 31/03/2019 08:52

My DH says he needs an outlet for his frustrations

what frustrations? and why does he have to take them out on a newborn? There are so many other ways to let of steam. He may have some kind of PND (I had PND and I was never abusive to my DC though). he may just be an abuser who is completely unfit to parent.

I would also ask him to remove himself from the family home whilst he is getting help to address his issues.

Hope you are ok, OP Flowers