Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband resents new baby

92 replies

Wafflecone · 30/03/2019 15:36

Hi everyone, first time posting here and I hope someone out there has some helpful advice. My DH and I had our first baby 7 weeks ago and pretty much since we got home after the birth he developed a resentment for our son. He has little patience with his crying and typical newborn behaviour to the point of getting really angry with him. Until recently he has been outright angry with our son almost to the point that I was sometimes afraid to leave them alone together. His anger has calmed now but he still shows his frustration by calling our son a "little shit" and a "little crap", which I hate. My DH says he needs an outlet for his frustrations, which is why he uses these words. He says he doesn't really mean it and I should grow a thicker skin. I have tried to be patient and tolerant as I know we've both been through a lot in becoming new parents and sleep deprivation would make anyone half-crazed, but it's got to the point that I've started to really resent my DH for the things he says and the way he behaves towards our little one. We've talked about the issue a few times and each time we end in a stalemate, so I am reluctant to bring it up again without knowing what to suggest to make things better.

For context, we both wanted to become parents and it was a mutual decision - my DH wanted children more than me in fact. He has been baby-obsessed since we got married, loves kids and is extremely kind and patient with our friends babies. He is usually a kind and loving person, which is why this sudden resentful and angry side of him has shaken me even more than it might otherwise.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or have any advice?
I don't know if this will get better with time or whether it's something we need to deal with now, maybe with counselling or finding someone impartial to talk to. (Though having said that I don't know how open my DH would be to talking to a counsellor).

OP posts:
Ilovemysleepthief · 30/03/2019 16:24

I would be leaving if at all possible

gothicsprout · 30/03/2019 16:24

OP, do you think it’s possible he could have postnatal depression? It doesn’t only affect mums. You could encourage him to talk to the GP and/or HV if this might be an issue.

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/dads-and-partners/postnatal-depression-dads-10-things-you-should-know

FizzyGreenWater · 30/03/2019 16:27

He needs to go.

This isn't ok, or safe, or acceptable.

gothicsprout · 30/03/2019 16:28

I suggest it because I’ve heard mums with PND say some pretty awful stuff about their babies, particularly when the PND wasn’t picked up or didn’t develop for a while, and the feelings of sheer frustration and anger at not knowing what to do or thinking the baby is deliberately being difficult sound familiar.

TemporaryPermanent · 30/03/2019 16:28

He knows that the baby is listening now, yes?

He knows the baby will be talking in around a year's time?

If the baby's first word is 'shit' how would he feel? When the child hits other children at the nursery and is asked to leave, how would he feel?

He DOES NOT need an 'outlet' for these feelings. He needs to control them, develop patience and deal with them. THAT'S WHAT GROWN UPS DO.

if he needs to find ways of managing frustrations, new parent classics would be taking up running, or a weekly boxing class. in the moment, he needs to find instant strategies. Like replacement phrases 'oh you're having a moment', put the baby down safely, walk away for 2 minutes. Ways to improve how he feels overall.

But newsflash, he will ALWAYS feel flashes of intense frustration and anger with his child. Parenting is difficult. Other people don't say these things to their children not because they aren't feeling intense and terrifying anger, but because they have learned to control themselves. one of his jobs is to teach his child how to control their feelings, and that starts on day 1.

Thatnovembernight · 30/03/2019 16:30

I was also thinking possible PND. Though that doesn’t excuse it ONE BIT and he needs to stop it NOW. Parenthood brings out things that you’d never know were there if you didn’t have children. Please tell someone in real life before this becomes your normal.

droningtraffic · 30/03/2019 16:45

You need to throw him out, now.

If you don't, you are as guilty as him by allowing him to treat your son like this.

You're the mother, the buck stops with you. Your first responsibility is to protect your child.

Throw him out. Seriously.

crazymare20 · 30/03/2019 17:06

Sorry your going through this, newborn baby’s are hard work. If this behaviour is not how your husband usually is I would maybe suggest visiting his doctor to see if their is anything they can do to help your husband manage his emotions.
Your first child can be an extremely big shock to the system and they change your whole way of life and some people struggle with the transition. I would continue to remind husband his behaviour isn’t acceptable and ensure baby isn’t left alone with him until he’s feeling better in himself. Good luck

crumbseverywhere · 30/03/2019 17:17

I'm not excusing his behaviour but sleep deprivation does affect people differently. When my son was born my husband was really affected by the sleep deprivation and his normally loving and patient personality changed.
Things got better when I basically stopped him doing night duties on a regular basis and made him get out and get some exercise. It was hard because I was also extremely tired however I wasn't having to go to work and I was able to manage it better than him.
Having said that, if you are genuinely worried for your child's safety you need to speak to someone, it may be that he needs some professional support.

SwingoutSisterSledge · 30/03/2019 17:25

I would seriously ask him to leave . His behaviour is disgusting . You must be stressed to death.

EmrysAtticus · 30/03/2019 17:30

Not acceptable! DH resented DS when he was a newborn (as did I) as he had colic and reflux and didn't sleep and just cried all the time. However he never once said anything like that to him. When I felt myself getting frustrated I would put DS somewhere safe and breathe deeply and count to 10. DS is 3 now and we both utterly adore him.

Userisi · 30/03/2019 17:35

I think some of the responses are quite harsh tbh. A baby is a HUGE lifestyle change that can cause PND in both mothers and fathers, I'm not trying to scape goat his behaviour but I think as his partner you should first and foremost be supporting him through this transition as we'd expect a father to do with a mother. You are a team and should face this together. I would suggest he goes and speaks to someone for help, he needs somewhere safe to talk about his feelings. I have to say I felt quite similar about my son when he was born, of course it passed, as most things do with babies and children, had my husband of chastised me for my feelings I would have felt even more isolated than I did already. If he doesn't seek help and his attitude doesn't improve then obviously firmer action is needed, but right now he sounds like a man who needs help.

HisBetterHalf · 30/03/2019 17:36

he still shows his frustration by calling our son a "little shit" and a "little crap", which I hate.

At 7 weeks old thats plain wrong

MumUndone · 30/03/2019 17:37

This is horrible, poor you and your poor baby. Sleep deprivation is absolutely horrible and the name calling is one thing, but getting angry to the extent you are afraid to leave your baby with your DH us very concerning. Please trust your instincts and do not leave your baby alone with him. Could you go and stay with family?

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/03/2019 17:43

Oh god OP at the very least you can never never leave them alone. It only needs his temper to snap once for your baby to be seriously injured or even killed. He sounds like he is really unable to control his emotions and does not feel protective or caring towards baby at all. That's really worrying.

SleepingBeautyonwheels · 30/03/2019 18:14

OP do you feel safe to leave your tiny and helpless ds with your dh? If the answer is no, then he needs to leave and get help. Babies are tiny and vulnerable and completely helpless to abuse if their father/ other carer picks them up and shakes them. One shake can cause brain damage or death. Your h is showing anger towards a tiny newborn, that is not normal and not an emotion that should be around a baby!

Whether the op’s H has depression or not is irrelevant, the fact is that the op has a duty to protect her ds and the only way to do that is to remove the danger immediately. The op can choose to support her dh as he seeks counselling and works out what is triggering this. She can also choose not to be in a relationship with a man who is verbally abusing her tiny baby!

NoShoeShops · 30/03/2019 18:17

His behaviour is not ok. It’s really not ok.

Having a baby is exhausting of course but calling your baby a little shit? Nope. You need to keep him safe.

Kungfupanda67 · 30/03/2019 18:26

Omg you’re all so dramatic! It’s a huge change having a baby, it’s hard, and if this was a mum posting ‘ i feel so depressed and stressed and tired, baby was crying for ages today and I told her to stop being a little shit’ I’m sure the responses would be very different. Dads struggle too, have a chat with him, see what bits he’s struggling with and come up with a plan - my husband felt really helpless when our third child was born, told me he regretted having her and was really stressed and depressed for a couple of months, he said he wanted to bond with her but didn’t feel like he could settle her and she was never happy with him.

Give him a break, like he would hopefully give you if it was the other way around. He was desperate for a baby, it’s probably just not living up to his expectations and he’s struggling to adjust. Talk to him. Your marriage must be worth a bit of effort to fix the problem, rather than the immediate LTB response you always seem to get on here

OrchidInTheSun · 30/03/2019 18:39

If a new mum was so angry with her newborn that her husband was afraid to leave them alone with him, I'd either insist she went to the GP or take the baby away too.

This is not acceptable- whatever the sex of the parent

Farmerswifey12 · 30/03/2019 18:45

Hello,

Dad's can suffer from post natal depression too, could it be this? If this is out of character and he is struggling to cope I'd advise encouraging him to see his GP

fc301 · 30/03/2019 18:55

Christ don't minimise this. He needs to go.

He needs to sort his own issues out. Don't let him deflect this by blaming your reaction FFS. It's not your job to help him or fix him. It's your job to protect your child.
This reads like another headline. I'm so sorry 💐

Userisi · 30/03/2019 19:01

What would the replies be like if it was the mum? Would they be saying the dad needed to LTB taking the baby?

pointythings · 30/03/2019 19:03

Userisi my reply would be the same - that the mum needed to address this, that she needed counselling/treatment/anger management and that her behaviour was not acceptable in any way.

Bythebeach · 30/03/2019 19:04

If my DH repeatedly called my newborn a little shit, I would leave. That is completely unacceptable. I might forgive a one off if he had been up with a small child all night for many nights in a row, or reached the end of his tether, said it and shocked himself and ensured he never did it again.

Toomanystorieslost · 30/03/2019 19:05

Im not saying he should leave but I do think he should speak to his GP about make PND if this carries on and telling you it's an outlet is not okay.

Swipe left for the next trending thread