Husband resents new baby

[Wafflecone]

Hi everyone, first time posting here and I hope someone out there has some helpful advice. My DH and I had our first baby 7 weeks ago and pretty much since we got home after the birth he developed a resentment for our son. He has little patience with his crying and typical newborn behaviour to the point of getting really angry with him. Until recently he has been outright angry with our son almost to the point that I was sometimes afraid to leave them alone together. His anger has calmed now but he still shows his frustration by calling our son a "little shit" and a "little crap", which I hate. My DH says he needs an outlet for his frustrations, which is why he uses these words. He says he doesn't really mean it and I should grow a thicker skin. I have tried to be patient and tolerant as I know we've both been through a lot in becoming new parents and sleep deprivation would make anyone half-crazed, but it's got to the point that I've started to really resent my DH for the things he says and the way he behaves towards our little one. We've talked about the issue a few times and each time we end in a stalemate, so I am reluctant to bring it up again without knowing what to suggest to make things better.

For context, we both wanted to become parents and it was a mutual decision - my DH wanted children more than me in fact. He has been baby-obsessed since we got married, loves kids and is extremely kind and patient with our friends babies. He is usually a kind and loving person, which is why this sudden resentful and angry side of him has shaken me even more than it might otherwise.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or have any advice?
I don't know if this will get better with time or whether it's something we need to deal with now, maybe with counselling or finding someone impartial to talk to. (Though having said that I don't know how open my DH would be to talking to a counsellor).

Oh OPthis isn’t right.... you shouldn’t have to grow thicker skin love, his behaviour is wrong on so many levels

Please remember that you baby will subconsciously be picking up on his resentment and aggression. I know it seems daft to think like that, but babies do take on board these things and will know it’s negative behaviour from their df.

He needs to be taking drastic action to sort his behaviour and move out until he’s sorted it out

He needs professional help. He is not coping with all the changes. I would be asking him to get some counselling. This is a not a good way of bonding as a Dad. Did he have a good childhood? So sorry you have to deal with this op

I read your post late last night, Wafflecone, and woke up thinking about you. Especially this:

Until recently he has been outright angry with our son almost to the point that I was sometimes afraid to leave them alone together. His anger has calmed now but he still shows his frustration by calling our son a "little shit" and a "little crap".

This sounds like an emergency to me. I would have been terrified if my DH had been like this with our DC.

This is how babies die or are maimed. Your DH represents a potential threat to your son. I would be removing my baby from this situation, whether your DH leaves or you do. Please don't dither. This could end tragically.

I agree he needs professional help. This is not ok and could be a slippery slope.
He might have had a troublesome upbringing which is making parenting difficult? I would get your health visitor involved and find out about what help is available.
In the mental health service I work in we prioritise parents of babies - so a shorter waiting time - your local services might be the same.

He's abusing your baby. Get him out before it becomes physical.

I have an 11 week old baby myself, our third. I get how hard it is, I really do, but there is no excuse for his behaviour. Please arrange to speak to your health visitor as a matter of urgency, and social services.

OP is long gone isn’t she?

Some good advice though. Sounds like possible postnatal depression. I’d be expecting him to seek psychological help ASAP as a condition of remaining in the family home for now.

they aren't ltb responses as in leave the bastard. they are ptb responses - protect the baby.

That makes him a big shit then, doesn't it?

He's showing anger towards a newborn infant... his own newborn.

RED FLAG ALERT.

He's not a nice man, OP, and that's probably really hard to admit to when you've just had a child together. But when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

You need to get out NOW so your baby is safe. Seriously. And report him. There is no way this man should ever be allowed near this baby unsupervised, as if you do leave, his anger will grow in intensity.

He MAY be suffering PND, however if he is he needs to accept he's ill and move out. He's a danger to the baby.

He may have PND as others have said, this is a possibility but when he knew his comments were upsetting he also said OP needs to grow a thicker skin. That doesn't sound remorseful in any way.

So as people have said, is he accepting that his actions are wrong.

Calling a baby a little crap makes him a danger to the baby, Jesus Christ some of you couldn't work in social care or similar, the care system would be overrun. OP I know you've flounced, no wonder due to the hysterical outcries in response to what is a much more common occurrence than people care to admit, but if you're reading this please just speak to your HV. Only you know your DH, hopefully this is something you can resolve together but you may need some outside help.

Userisi, the OP wrote that her DH has been outright angry with our son almost to the point that I was sometimes afraid to leave them alone together.

That would serve as a description of all the immature or abusive men who kill or maim their babies. He may not do so, but in her shoes I wouldn't be taking any chances. It's far too serious.

I don't think that's a "hysterical" (nice spot of misogyny there) reaction. If my DH had reacted like OP's I'd have been terrified.

@Userisi I hope you don’t work in any sort of care setting. You’re minimising the behaviour of a potentially dangerous and abusive man. OP I hope you’ve taken these comments on board.

I'm sure most people have felt a moment of anger or desperation caring for a crying newborn . I have, and I probably said something not nice.

The difference is, however, that this would have been very very rare, a peak moment of exasperation and really not how I treated my children 99% of the time. I would also feel terrible afterwards. It seems here that the OP's husband has started acting like this pretty much as a default, and isn't sorry or intending to change his behaviour.

It's this inability to see what he's doing is abusive (in a few months the baby will be saying first words!) that is so incredibly worrying.

People do call their children 'little shits', I've heard them doing it in the street and feel immensely sorry for children in that situation, it is just heart-breaking all round.

Do talk to your HV and consider getting away from this man, he might have PND but surely anyway he would realise you can't call a baby these names?